Exhausted and still fighting, literally haunted...

[Eternum]

I have been fighting for and with God for a long time. I've been bullied for my particular religion, abused within the family thru childhood, and persecuted for being ethical at all. I am used to being alone, ostracized, a scapegoat. I am used to many different kinds of psychological warfare, mind games, and "battlefields" that pose as innocent places. Like a workplace, or a home.

I got close a number of times to taking my life, and one time I was going to succeed. Had a really personal spiritual experience that took me a huge step away from that path. Over time, I reached a point where I wanted to live, no matter the misery, and have promised God not to take my own life. Tho sometimes that means that I may just decide some days that I'm done with life for the moment and I'm not getting out of bed. But then the will to fight always comes back.

I find joy in music, anime, video games, etc and I don't see myself as being too old to have fun. Sense of humor, dark as it might be sometimes, gets me through. I can handle nearly anything at this point, though I am still single in my mid-30s for a reason. No one can really handle it with me.

And I'm here for something that my non-religious friends really don't understand: being haunted. I had PTSD before hauntings from human trauma. Now I have PTSD from this. I've dealt with that "alone" too, by that I mean me and God. I tried going to someone within my religion for help and wasn't listened to. I have learned to fight on a totally different kind of battlefield, me and the might of heaven vs. the gaping jaws of hell.

But all of my battlefields leave their marks. And this one has been taking its toll since I can't talk about it. My house isn't haunted. I'm not even haunted most of the time. It started when I grew enough as a person to stop taking the psychological abuse from my narcissistic stepdad and stand up to him. I have been the only person who ever has, debilitating chronic illness and all. His circle and the folks in my church took his side. Flattery is more appealing than honesty. I had to leave with only a suitcase and a laptop.

Now, every so often I get harassed with the stupid menacing "I want to kill you" presence, certain kind of nightmares, or stuff getting knocked off my walls whenever my stepdad and other "religious" people get away with something that I've been pushing people in my religion to wake up and deal with. It gets quiet for awhile, cleaned out after I've called on Jesus and we've fought together, months sometimes, and then boom. I don't know if I'll ever be done with this special treatment.

I may not even be believed here. I don't fully understand it all, the connections or what I've stumbled into. I just know I've been the only one stepping forward and saying all the inconvenient truths, and these things happen as a direct correlation.

I would really appreciate anyone willing to speak up and just say "Yeah, seen the black things with the orange eyes, too" or who have some handy scriptures for the weary paladin. I would REALLY love to know how I can obtain some actual rest, tho I do accept the fact that choosing to do the right thing is choosing to be in this war against evil. So if there is no rest for the living? Ok. I definitely have plenty of fight left in me.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

I deal with things like that, the most revolutionary thought I've had recently (though it's not that recent anymore) is to discern the sin around me and confess it as my own in relation to a 1 John 1:9 application.

 

[BioLeap]

I have been fighting for and with God for a long time. I've been bullied for my particular religion, abused within the family thru childhood, and persecuted for being ethical at all. I am used to being alone, ostracized, a scapegoat. I am used to many different kinds of psychological warfare, mind games, and "battlefields" that pose as innocent places. Like a workplace, or a home.

I got close a number of times to taking my life, and one time I was going to succeed. Had a really personal spiritual experience that took me a huge step away from that path. Over time, I reached a point where I wanted to live, no matter the misery, and have promised God not to take my own life. Tho sometimes that means that I may just decide some days that I'm done with life for the moment and I'm not getting out of bed. But then the will to fight always comes back.

I find joy in music, anime, video games, etc and I don't see myself as being too old to have fun. Sense of humor, dark as it might be sometimes, gets me through. I can handle nearly anything at this point, though I am still single in my mid-30s for a reason. No one can really handle it with me.

And I'm here for something that my non-religious friends really don't understand: being haunted. I had PTSD before hauntings from human trauma. Now I have PTSD from this. I've dealt with that "alone" too, by that I mean me and God. I tried going to someone within my religion for help and wasn't listened to. I have learned to fight on a totally different kind of battlefield, me and the might of heaven vs. the gaping jaws of hell.

But all of my battlefields leave their marks. And this one has been taking its toll since I can't talk about it. My house isn't haunted. I'm not even haunted most of the time. It started when I grew enough as a person to stop taking the psychological abuse from my narcissistic stepdad and stand up to him. I have been the only person who ever has, debilitating chronic illness and all. His circle and the folks in my church took his side. Flattery is more appealing than honesty. I had to leave with only a suitcase and a laptop.

Now, every so often I get harassed with the stupid menacing "I want to kill you" presence, certain kind of nightmares, or stuff getting knocked off my walls whenever my stepdad and other "religious" people get away with something that I've been pushing people in my religion to wake up and deal with. It gets quiet for awhile, cleaned out after I've called on Jesus and we've fought together, months sometimes, and then boom. I don't know if I'll ever be done with this special treatment.

I may not even be believed here. I don't fully understand it all, the connections or what I've stumbled into. I just know I've been the only one stepping forward and saying all the inconvenient truths, and these things happen as a direct correlation.

I would really appreciate anyone willing to speak up and just say "Yeah, seen the black things with the orange eyes, too" or who have some handy scriptures for the weary paladin. I would REALLY love to know how I can obtain some actual rest, tho I do accept the fact that choosing to do the right thing is choosing to be in this war against evil. So if there is no rest for the living? Ok. I definitely have plenty of fight left in me.

I had an experience once too. I was a young man at the time, and for some reason I ended up passing from this world into the light. I never saw Jehovah, or Jesus, or Buddha, or Allah, or the Hindu God's there. There was nothing in this place of light but me.

 

[Mel333]

At the beginning of my walk, yes, there was a lot of that dark stuff going on. Once saw this smokey looking dark thing (looked like something out of harry potter), terrorized at night by fear, had the covers of my bed move and was suicidal all the time.

Overtime however, in coming to understand what Christ did for us and being baptised properly, all those issues went away.

Studying Romans 5 helped me and being properly baptised and understanding the gospel.

Will pray for you now.

Prayer is good to help you rest. Being still before God and just taking care of yourself and loving others.

Exercising, eating well etc... These also help.

There is a lot of healing and forgiveness needed from the trauma that has happened in your past.

But yeh, all easier said then done (to type advice to another)! Takes a lot of time, healing and forgiving people who have hurt us badly in the past.

This is what holds people back. The hauntings of those who have hurt us in the past...

 

[BioLeap]

At the beginning of my walk, yes, there was a lot of that dark stuff going on. Once saw this smokey looking dark thing (looked like something out of harry potter), terrorized at night by fear, had the covers of my bed move and was suicidal all the time.

Overtime however, in coming to understand what Christ did for us and being baptised properly, all those issues went away.

Studying Romans 5 helped me and being properly baptised and understanding the gospel.

Will pray for you now.

Prayer is good to help you rest. Being still before God and just taking care of yourself and loving others.

Exercising, eating well etc... These also help.

There is a lot of healing and forgiveness needed from the trauma that has happened in your past.

But yeh, all easier said then done (to type advice to another)! Takes a lot of time, healing and forgiving people who have hurt us badly in the past.

This is what holds people back. The hauntings of those who have hurt us in the past...

And I'll pray for you too, in the way I do.

 

[Eternum]

The kindness of strangers. I've been dealing with this for years and never had people be so understanding around me like this.

I deal with things like that, the most revolutionary thought I've had recently (though it's not that recent anymore) is to discern the sin around me and confess it as my own in relation to a 1 John 1:9 application.

Duuuuuuude. So, at first I was going to ask you to elaborate but then I was like, "No, ok, this is pretty clear. I'll try it."

All my life people have been hoisting the responsibility on me, placing the blame and the sin on my shoulders, so I've spent my adult life learning boundaries, leaving behind abuse, learning how to communicate properly, etc. The idea of *choosing* to accept responsibility for sin around me that may not be mine and go to my Savior, who has already paid the price for all of our sins... that took a new level of vulnerability and trust in an area I've been heavily wounded in. The prayer itself was miraculous.

I will definitely need to practice this, I could tell. But that was a huge breakthrough in learning another area of our Savior's great sacrifice for us. Thank you.

Overtime however, in coming to understand what Christ did for us and being baptised properly, all those issues went away.

Studying Romans 5 helped me and being properly baptised and understanding the gospel.

Will pray for you now.

You are very sweet, thank you.

It's amazing how you and Michael were inspired and echoed each other in many ways. It really is about coming to understand Christ and the gospel more and more, learning as many of these aspects in detail as possible.

I noticed you edited out the part about the Spirit of Murder. I wish you hadn't since that was more inspired than you think. I am unfamiliar with these sorts of things. I've been looking it up this morning on other Christian sites and it's giving me a lot of peace to see how this is all fitting together. I understand why you did edit that out since I can see where you want me to focus. I am just the sort of person who finds peace in finding out the why.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

The kindness of strangers. I've been dealing with this for years and never had people be so understanding around me like this.

Duuuuuuude. So, at first I was going to ask you to elaborate but then I was like, "No, ok, this is pretty clear. I'll try it."

All my life people have been hoisting the responsibility on me, placing the blame and the sin on my shoulders, so I've spent my adult life learning boundaries, leaving behind abuse, learning how to communicate properly, etc. The idea of *choosing* to accept responsibility for sin around me that may not be mine and go to my Savior, who has already paid the price for all of our sins... that took a new level of vulnerability and trust in an area I've been heavily wounded in. The prayer itself was miraculous.

I will definitely need to practice this, I could tell. But that was a huge breakthrough in learning another area of our Savior's great sacrifice for us. Thank you.

I'm glad I could help.

Sometimes I wonder what it would look like if everyone did that. In terms of vulnerability I am reminded of 2nd Corinthians Chapter 12 there's a mention of boasting of our weaknesses so Christ's power can rest on us.

In the same way surrender is a maturity of trust, boasting of weaknesses seems to be another maturity level of vulnerability.

 

[Mel333]

oh haha you saw the spirit of murder bit...

It makes sense because it's a spirit of death. So it's function would go around telling everyone who listens to it to kill themselves.

There was this great website called:

Different Kinds of Demonic Spirits

I found it helpful seeing what sort of stuff I had that I picked up from my traumatic past and just sitting in prayer with the Lord and closing the doors to all of them and also prayed for everyone I knew around me to close their doors to evil too.

I renounced the ties with each I had let enter my life... particularly the spirit of murder one as I used to be suicidal all the time thinking about death everyday. It was just terrible. (It was like an eagle with claws sitting on my head).

(people default say, "go to the doctor", but no doctor/drugs/tablets other than Jesus could permanently fix this...

Anyway, God through his son gave us a spirit of love, a spirit of a sound mind and a spirit of power. So I've just been praying for those things to enter my life and closing the doors to the evil ones. Particularly the spirit of fear. It says somewhere in the bible that God didn't give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7)

Understanding what the blood of Christ is and baptism (full immersion) was the cure to whatever I had. People just call you mentally ill.

Re: "All my life people have been hoisting the responsibility on me, placing the blame and the sin on my shoulders"

This is called the scapegoat. In the bible the sins of the family were placed on the animal and exiled. I think families do this due to shame and not being able to love.

It is interesting that Christ is the ultimate scapegoat for all people's sins and is our scapegoat. That because God forgave our sins through his son's blood, that we may be reconciled to him. In this, we are able to forgive those that fall short of being able to love us.

It is hard though forgiving people who have hurt us, in particularly family. So it takes a lot of time and healing...

You are on the right path. Also forgive yourself. You are not responsible for the sins of others. Only responsible for standing firm in accepting what Christ thinks of you. That you are loved and accepted. (Then you can love God, love others as yourself). So you also have a responsibility to take care of yourself. ie eating well, exercising and just having a good time while battling life.

Hope this helps you!

 

[Eternum]

I renounced the ties with each I had let enter my life... particularly the spirit of murder one as I used to be suicidal all the time thinking about death everyday. It was just terrible. (It was like an eagle with claws sitting on my head).

Ugh, this might be a necro but as I was going through some of the past things you'd written and saw this, I realized that I didn't understand this bit until this past week. For me, renouncing my ties is taking some drastic life changes, but they are necessary and freeing.

Also, your description of the eagle is a powerful mental image I can relate to.

You're right, I've been a scapegoat, and I told myself what ties I had to those who made me a scapegoat were "insignificant." That was how I left myself vulnerable. Nah. This week is all about the purge.

And guess what? The more I break from that, the more everything calms down everywhere.

Forgiveness is interesting. Instead of getting mad at what everyone else is doing, it's like, "Ok, you did that. You made that choice. I accept you did that and had this impact on my life. Now I will make choices about my life and go from here."

You're right about Christ being the true scapegoat. Someone once told me that it would be like if Christ came up to me and said, "I know this person hurt you. I paid for their sins. Can you forgive me?"

How could I not? So I will trust Him in all the matters. That also means not accepting bad treatment from others. He wants us to love each other, not abuse each other.

 

[Mea_kākau]

I got close a number of times to taking my life, and one time I was going to succeed. Had a really personal spiritual experience that took me a huge step away from that path.

Interesting. This is how I accepted Jesus into my life as my Lord and Savior. I was close to taking my life and at the last minute I called this minister. He led me to the Lord over the phone. A life changing experience which I'll never forget. February 16, 1991.

I would really appreciate anyone willing to speak up and just say "Yeah, seen the black things with the orange eyes, too" ...tho I do accept the fact that choosing to do the right thing is choosing to be in this war against evil. So if there is no rest for the living? Ok. I definitely have plenty of fight left in me.

Years ago after becoming born again, I attended a spiritual warfare class because I knew that was part of my calling. I knew I understood the battle of good versus evil in a way not many Christians do.

My abuse involved seeing into the face of evil since I was at least one and half years old. My father was the essence of evil. Anytime I met someone like him as an adult I knew right away that they were like my father and had done what he had done, specifically murder people. It was so uncanny how I knew this.