Excuse Chart

[Verve]

Did y'all see the news article about the guy who created a spreadsheet with dates and if there was sex or not?

If you haven't here's the link.

Husband creates spreadsheet detailing wife's 'excuses' for turning down sex - Health & Families - Life and Style - The Independent

For the link phobic the excuse chart:

What did y'all think of this? It actually created an interesting conversation between my co-workers about the listed excuse vs what she may have meant.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Man, my list went viral! I really need to stop posting things like that on the Internet.

 

[ValleyGal]

I wonder if she initiated on the days that he never wrote about.

 

[WolfGate]

I wonder if she initiated on the days that he never wrote about.

Unlikely I would think.

In general my thought was this marriage has problems. For him to passively/aggressively email her the list at the start of a long business trip, for her to do the same by posting the list and insulting the husband both indicate that the amount of sex in the marriage is not their biggest problem. Neither one shows any respect or love for the other.

 

[bluegreysky]

Did y'all see the news article about the guy who created a spreadsheet with dates and if there was sex or not?

If you haven't here's the link.

Husband creates spreadsheet detailing wife's 'excuses' for turning down sex - Health & Families - Life and Style - The Independent

For the link phobic the excuse chart:

What did y'all think of this? It actually created an interesting conversation between my co-workers about the listed excuse vs what she may have meant.

I lul'd

 

[bluegreysky]

I lul'd because that won't work with my husband, he needs attention waaaaay more than once a week. If I were to say "I need a shower, sorry" then we would get the shower and then after he'd keep persisting. You can't tell him no.

 

[dysert]

What did y'all think of this? It actually created an interesting conversation between my co-workers about the listed excuse vs what she may have meant.

What I think is that she doesn't want to have sex. Unfortunately, I don't find the spreadsheet all that surprising.

 

[akmom]

What does it matter what the reasons are? She doesn't want to. Although a list like that might be an indication it's a big deal to him, and maybe she could acquiesce more.

 

[DZoolander]

How many husbands wouldn't find that a big deal, though?

 

[DZoolander]

A relationship w/o sex is a friend...and you certainly don't need to be living with, pledging fidelity to, supporting, etc...a friend. Friends are people you hang out with while looking for someone you want to spend your life with that wants to have sex with you, too.

 

[Thunder Peel]

That guy is going to be sleeping on the couch for months after this.

 

[akmom]

Three times a month is not exactly celibacy.

 

[sdmsanjose]

The guy that made the spreadsheet may be a jerk and should not expect much sex when he is very drunk. However, three times having sex in two months for a healthy couple that is not on Medicare seems like trouble to me.

Any healthy married couple younger than 70 that restrict sex to three times in TWO months is probably headed for real trouble, heck I would not be surprised if the 70 year olds have sex more than 3 times in two months!


We can all make a case for the woman or the man but the bottom line is that young and middle aged couples that want sex more than 3 times in two months is reasonable. If I had to bet I would always bet that if this 3x2months situation continues that there will be a separation, divorce, or infidelity, by either the man or the woman.

I think that I heard that sex was the number one reason for divorces. Maybe it is number two or three but one thing is for sure, sex is very important in a healthy marriage for most couples. To make unreasonable excuses for reasonable sex is a surer way to have real trouble in a marriage. IMO

 

[akmom]

It's a 27-day period. Let's just assume that 5+ days involve menstruation, so really you're looking at about 14% success rate for that particular month. It's not the end of the world.

 

[sdmsanjose]

It's a 27-day period. Let's just assume that 5+ days involve menstruation, so really you're looking at about 14% success rate for that particular month. It's not the end of the world.

Did the article say 27 days or 2 months?

It is not the end of the world but it will be the end of some marriages if the sex stays at 3 times in a 60 day period.

My guess is that some women and men may be alright with the sex 3x60 days but more will not. IMO

I do not have that problem so it is no skin off my back but do you really think that sex three times in 60 days is not going to cause real problems?

 

[MessianicMommy]

do you really think that sex three times in 60 days is not going to cause real problems?

Yes.

Some people have low drives. Some have middle, and others have high. It is all about trust in your partner, talking things out and considering the other person's needs.

There are dry spells and that's normal. It's coming back from those dry spells with dignity and respect that is the main thing.

 

[WolfGate]

It's a 27-day period. Let's just assume that 5+ days involve menstruation, so really you're looking at about 14% success rate for that particular month. It's not the end of the world.

It's June 3rd through July 27th (as she was leaving on a business trip) so 54 days, close to 2 months.

Again, their biggest problem isn't sexual frequency. How they deal with each other is clearly a bigger problem and there are likely others.

I don't really have a problem with the spreadsheet approach if that was a device he had used to have a conversation with her about their mismatched desires. I do find it inexcusable the way he presented it after she left and then cut off contact. Not at all productive.

Some couples may settle on 3 times every 54 days and that is OK. However when the higher drive spouse is only getting fulfillment 3 out of 27 requests, that is not a healthy balance in a marriage. Being declined the last 3 times before she left for an extended trip seems unhealthy to me as well.

Yes, marriages have thrived with one spouse having a higher drive than the other. They thrive because the couples work out how to love each other - not because one is a gatekeeper or the other gets to demand.

 

[.chrys.]

How does a couple settle on a number, on a frequency, on a duration, on...anything statistically tangible when it concerns sex? Also, what does it mean if a number is settled on, say 3 times a week...does it not become a chore?

 

[WolfGate]

How does a couple settle on a number, on a frequency, on a duration, on...anything statistically tangible when it concerns sex? Also, what does it mean if a number is settled on, say 3 times a week...does it not become a chore?

Every couple is different. For some scheduling would be a chore, for others it builds anticipation. The point is, like all needs in a relationship, to make the needs of your spouse a priority. To treat each other lovingly and respectfully and sacrafically.

 

[Odetta]

As a woman, I have found that I can't just turn on sexual drive on a dime like my husband can. It takes me a while to get in the mood for it. And frankly there are things that interrupt that mood building time - having a too busy life, or demanding children/job/etc. The time in our marriage where we had the least sex - and I used all of those excuses - I was also suicidally depressed. Telling me I should just acquiesce to take care of my husband's higher needs was not the answer.

I am happy to say that those issues have been resolved, and sex is more frequent. But it's still maybe once a week - twice in a good week - because of all the demands from job, family, etc. on our time and energy. We even joke about it when we manage to both be in the mood more than once a week. The point is, we can communicate healthily about and set a schedule that works for us both. He's also had to face the fact that my drive simply isn't as high as his. And telling me that I should just put out to meet his needs makes me feel used and pretty much like a prostitute that doesn't get paid.

There is probably much more going on in the marriage to make the woman so disinterested in sex. If she has a husband that pulls this kind of stunt, he's obviously not doing to much to facilitate her being in the mood, and is just expecting her to put out simply because he wants it. At least that's what I see. The fact that she shared it on the internet tells me she's incredibly resentful of that. Not healthy on both their parts.