Ever Wonder if...

[justanobserver]

maybe your past is such that you may not be desirable or "wantable" for a relationship?

I was talking with a friend the other day and while we was talking about things in our pasts that although one has moved progressed/advanced/recovered/rehabilitated/etc beyond it, the "stigma" of that past may be red flags to others. Such as alcholism, addictions, married more than once (while as a non christian), jail/prison, etc whatever one could have in their past.

In our quest for a relationship or wondering of that chance would ever happen, do we shoot down our options by being honest in revealing who and what we were and now are?

can we become such "damaged goods" in our past personal ives that make us unattractive to someone else today?

Am just wondering after my friend at church mentioned about it, he even tossed in that the older we get, the more stringent the red flags become. So, am just curious if this is so.

May not be able to get back on line for a couple days to read any comments.

 

[Inkachu]

I think that, if a person carefully weighs your background, balances it against what they know of you today, and decides it's best not to engage in a relationship with you, then their decision is well-informed and should be respected.

However, if someone dismisses you simply based on something they've heard about your past, or without getting to know the person you are now, that MIGHT be considered hasty and shallow.

You've got to be careful in things like this. A woman with a child, like myself for example, might hear that a man was imprisoned in the past, and decide based solely upon that, that she isn't going to get involved. I don't think you can call her unkind or unjustified for that, as her duty is to protect not only herself but her children. And while it is true that a man with a sordid past may be completely rehabilitated or repentant, there is always the chance that he ISN'T.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

maybe your past is such that you may not be desirable or "wantable" for a relationship?

I was talking with a friend the other day and while we was talking about things in our pasts that although one has moved progressed/advanced/recovered/rehabilitated/etc beyond it, the "stigma" of that past may be red flags to others. Such as alcholism, addictions, married more than once (while as a non christian), jail/prison, etc whatever one could have in their past.

In our quest for a relationship or wondering of that chance would ever happen, do we shoot down our options by being honest in revealing who and what we were and now are?

can we become such "damaged goods" in our past personal ives that make us unattractive to someone else today?

Am just wondering after my friend at church mentioned about it, he even tossed in that the older we get, the more stringent the red flags become. So, am just curious if this is so.

May not be able to get back on line for a couple days to read any comments.

I think it's a natural question to ask, irrespective of what the issues in your past are. Some are worried about whether kids are a red flag, whether their lack of (or too much) sexual experience is a problem, so it's not just limited to the larger issues you mention.

Consider also that you really do need to reveal yourself, warts and all, in a relationship. If you don't tell the other person something about your past and it comes up later, or they hear about it from another person, that might be the end of the relationship - - even if it's not something which would otherwise be a dealbreaker for him/her.

The question, though, is when do you tell the other person about your past?

We all have things in our past, for better or worse, that define us and inform our worldview. We all have baggage that needs to be dealt with. Some will be able to deal with your issues, others won't. I don't know that you can make a blanket statement about whether your past is a problem.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Heard a great line in a movie: I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.

While there are some that won't go near someone with certain 'pasts' there are always some that will. One person might know full well that it would be unhealthy for them to be with certain types and run from them... others will know that they can deal with that kind of baggage.

Even if we've a big red flag in our pasts... God can and does heal. So we can be completely different now, and using that very thing as a ministry to win souls for Christ.

 

[Jenster]

^^ What she said.

I just heard about two people who got married in their 40s. Both are recovering alcoholics. They understand the path they've both been on.

Your past is your past, and nothing will change that. What does matter is how you are living today differently than you lived before and whether you have "safeguards" built in to keep you from giving in to temptation (if that is the issue).

Someone I dated had a sexual history that I felt uncomfortable with and had lived with a girlfriend. I accepted him, however, because he said he had changed. But what came out in our relationship is that he had not really safeguarded himself after all, and he endedup resorting to some old habits. His present lifestyle, not his past, was what torpedoed the relationship. I think that's usually the concern people have -- is this person going to fall off the wagon, is this person going to run me into debt, is this person going to harm me in some way?

But I try to remember: There but for the grace of God go I. It could have been me going down that path, so I try not to judge someone's past.

 

[ido]

The question, though, is when do you tell the other person about your past?

This is a key point, I think. If it all comes out on the first date, it's certain death before the relationship has even started. If it doesn't come out until much later - or is forced out by circumstances - then it appears deceitful.

I believe in telling the truth in love and in stages when it comes to our pasts. It comes out pretty quickly that I am divorced and have kids. However, I am pretty tight-lipped about the problems that I have with my ex. I don't want a "crazy ex" to scare some guy off - at least not until I've had the chance to prove that I am functioning normally and am healthy, despite my ex and his shenanigans. If a guy sticks around even after he finds out that my ex can be difficult, then I would know that I've shown him that my ex has very little impact on my day to day life. If I tell too much about my ex too soon, I might not get the chance to prove that.

 

[GritsnGrace]

can we become such "damaged goods" in our past personal ives that make us unattractive to someone else today?

I have often felt like damaged goods over the years. Not so much now, but, often is hard to figure just exactly who you underneath it all.

 

[country woman]

I was raised in a Christian home but I walked away cause I was involved with a man that was not following the Lord. I got into trouble but I reakized that I was unhappy so I came back, and turned my life around.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I have some suggestions as to timing. In the past when I've seen profiles that indicated people were recovered alcoholics or drug users, I think I immediately ruled them out. The guy in my life did not give any such information in his profile and he contacted me based on me wanting a Christian even though I had no pic posted (I was impressed). After we talked on the phone he gave me his email address which had the word sober in it. For some reason this didn't scare me off. On our second date which put us at about 7 hours of in person conversation, he asked me what else I wanted to know and I said everything. I could tell he was worried, but he told me about his 10 years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol and how meetings were a part of his life.

Had he told me this stuff on the phone before we ever met, I doubt I would've gone out with him. But, because of all of the other stuff I learned about him in those hours of conversation I chose to proceed getting to know him. He still can't believe he's dating such a "normie", but I think I've been prepared because of issues with my ex and dating someone who had a DUI, still drank, but stated they didn't have a problem. I think a 10 years sober person is a much better bet than someone still drinking despite there being some real negative aspects to their alcohol consumption.

It also didn't hurt that someone at work heard me talking about how I'd met this guy and came to find out she knew him and had great things to say about him.

I tend to think if both parties are praying for a spouse, then God will prepare the right person to accept your past. I come with some baggage that has been a deal breaker for one guy. It's not a problem for the guy I'm dating now.

So, chemistry, God, past experiences..... I think they all come together and mold us into someone who would be a good fit for someone.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

I agree with those that have said that it's all about the timing of telling someone your past. I think that if they have a chance to know who you are now and the type of person you are before you tell them then they can better evaluate their thoughts when they do find out about your past.

Now, if someone point blank asks you right away then I think you have no choice but to be honest and if that turns them off then they weren't the person for you.

I belive that God is a God of redemption and restoration. If a person has made some bad choices in their past and has turned their life around then they should be proud of that accomplishment!!!

 

[ChooseTheRight]

I believe fully, that our past has an effect on how others see us. Although i am partly shaped by my past. It isnt who i am today. I agree, that it is hard when to tell someone about these things. If im asked outright, i will be honest. However, i wont say anything if im not.

 

[Bridgit]

I think it is best not to wait too long in a relationship to let the other person know about things you did in your past that might be a problem for them. It is less painful to break up a relationship early. It is also more beneficial if the other person accept our "baggage". The relationship will then be strengthened.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

I think it is best not to wait too long in a relationship to let the other person know about things you did in your past that might be a problem for them. It is less painful to break up a relationship early. It is also more beneficial if the other person accept our "baggage". The relationship will then be strengthened.

I understand what you're saying but I guess my line of thinking is that if you bring up things from your past to early in the relationship you are asking the other person to make a decision based on limited information...If they haven't had a chance to get to know you as you are today and to see how you live your life now...how could you expect them to make any other decision than to leave? Of course, it would be dependent on the "baggage" you are telling them about...but if it is something serious as mentioned in the OP - I would think if you brought it up to early it would do nothing but scare the person away...

JMHO

 

[country woman]

I will date a man with a past, cause every one has a past whether good or bad. I would like a man who is a Christian though

 

[Bridgit]

I understand what you're saying but I guess my line of thinking is that if you bring up things from your past to early in the relationship you are asking the other person to make a decision based on limited information...If they haven't had a chance to get to know you as you are today and to see how you live your life now...how could you expect them to make any other decision than to leave? Of course, it would be dependent on the "baggage" you are telling them about...but if it is something serious as mentioned in the OP - I would think if you brought it up to early it would do nothing but scare the person away...

JMHO

I agree. Telling the person right away would probably close all the doors for a relationship.

 

[country woman]

I won't tell any one about my past until I feel comfortable with them

 

[ChooseTheRight]

I won't tell any one about my past until I feel comfortable with them

This is my way of thinking too.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

My ex-bf had a few things about his past that I had to look beyond......but as we continued seeing each other and feelings were growing stronger.......little things kept coming out that he wasn't so forward with, in the beginning. I don't think he was TRYING to lie to me, but I do think he was trying to be someone he wasn't. So, in the end......keeping things from me hurt our relationship more that it helped.

So, I need to know everything, in the beginning so I can make a 'clear choice' about continuing a relationship......if I figure out things are being kept from me, then things will go 'downhill' fast.

 

[Bridgit]

I need to know everything, in the beginning so I can make a 'clear choice' about continuing a relationship......if I figure out things are being kept from me, then things will go 'downhill' fast.

That's how I feel.

 

[justanobserver]

appreciate the responces. Was just curious as I see daily how folks with a past such as mine are accepted/not accepted just simply as a fellow christian by fellow christians let alone as a person of possible romantic interest.