Engaged. But thinking about another guy often.

[Fuzzy Yellow Slippers]

I have been with my boyfriend(now my fiance) for 2 years and 1 month. We have a very strong relationship and bond. People look at us and think we are the perfect couple and envy our relationship. I love my fiance very much but during our relationship especially recently I have been missing and thinking about another guy often. I dated this guy before my fiance and we stayed very good friends in the beginning of my new relationship. With him things were so different. We could talk for hours and hours about anything. Usually it would be about careers, different subjects, or new stories, news, and things we would share with eachother. We had so much to talk about and so many things in common. We could talk and talk for hours, never needing, thinking, or even wanting things like hugging, touching, etc. We never did anything like that. It was pure friendship. Deep down though I liked him very much and I know that he liked me. When I got engaged it was very heart breaking for him and he told me the true feelings he had. He also said if anything happens with me and my fiance to know that he has a place for me in his heart and will wait and always take me back. He has been single ever since and I know I could always go back. Anyhow that is not the thing. I have been missing him very much lately and thinking what things could have been like if I stayed with him. I know this is so wrong since I am engaged and all. I love my fiance with all my heart but just a tiny something does not feel right. I am very happy with my fiance right now but I don't know if I will always be happy with him. Sometimes it is hard to talk to my fiance though. Many things I like to do, he doesn't. Or he finds my hobbies or interests silly. He seems to always try to make me be someone I am not, someone more serious. I am so confused.

 

[Johnnz]

Looks to me as if you need to do some really serious thinking about these two guys. Why are you engaged to a guy with whom you have little in common when there is another guy who loves you and with whom you do have a lot in common. Marriage must be realistically based. Common interests, values and desires form the basis of a frienship than can strenghten a marriage. Having little in common, and a guy who is not too interested in who you are and what your values, ideas etc are does not look at all promising for a long term relationship.

John
NZ

 

[kiora]

I would agree , you do need to do some really serious thinking- you have promised yourself to a guy in marriage and you still have doubts about whether he is the right one for you. Just pray to God and ask him to lead you in his purpose for your life.

 

[invisiblebabe]

I am with a great guy right now.

With my most recent ex, he was a great guy too. Strong Christian, intelligent, kind, ambitious... he had all the right stuff on paper.... but personality-wise, we were on two completely different wavelengths. He didn't seem to notice a problem, but to me it was blatantly obvious. I liked him a lot.... but I didn't have that passion or whatnot for him.... and I knew something was off about it all...and I had started thinking about another guy, too. So I prayed about it quite a bit, and it was quite obvious God was leading me to break things off.

From the little you've shared about your situation, it sounds like you at least need to put a halt to the marriage plans.

I pray God would make it abundantly clear what His best for you is in this situation, and that you would have the strength and courage to listen to Him. May He bless you much!

 

[Tuffguy]

The compliment that previous gf's have always given me is "i feel like i can be myself around you". I never really knew what to make of that comment, but i guess it just proves that couples try to change each other or repress parts of each others personalities. When you have free expression of thoughts and views from both parties, a beautiful thing happens,, you really communicate. If you can't do that w/the person you are closest to then you need to find another guy. That is one of the most important things in a relationship.

 

[desi]

You should go out with this other guy and see where it leads or you will probably wish you had which will cause a festering wound in your marriage which may never truly heal, as your husband can't fight the ghost of what might have been with another in your mind. Whew, what a long sentence.

 

[nahMish]

i have been in a similar situation. my man and i were together, we broke up cos i thought the grass was greener on the other side-and i learnt the hard way that it wasnt- you always seem to think "what if" when really, all that you want is right in front of you. luckily, he took me back and we wont be breaking up ever again-God willing !

you are in this ''deep friendship'' or whatever you want to call it with this other guy cos you are like his attention, like the fact that he likes you and somehow "thrills" you in a way that your fiance cant...if you decide to stay with your fiance, you should cut this friendship off with this other guy or else you are going into marriage with one foot in and one foot our and having a ''too close'' emotional connection with someone else. you may think this is too hard, but it is VITAL to your marriage-im not saying totally diss him, but you CANT have D&M, heart to hearts all the time, its not fair to your fiance...not now or ever !

if anything, just postpone the wedding..and pray very hard...but it sounds to me as if you are looking for ways to break off the relationship ...looking for his faults...

anyway, good luck....trust your gut, but dont let fear and silly dreams get a hold on you !

take care xoxo

 

[TJMan2050]

Like Nahmish said, it seems like you are looking for ways to break off the relationship, I'll share a little about my relationship, I still sorta struggle with this but not as much. I've got a gf, and we've been going for 5 months, not too long or anything and a long ways from getting married if we get there. Well I've always been the type to take relationships very seriously, so is she, but the issue is I after about 2 and a half months started to see this relationship very seriously, I felt like I loved her and so on, and we had both communicated the fact to each other, however in my brain I still had this relatively old idea of mine that I wouldn't/shouldn't say I love you until I was sure I would marry her, so I got caught up in that, and immediately started to pull out things like you describe, we don't always have the best most amazing convos, we do obviously have a certain amount of physical, ie hugging and kissing, so yeah just stupid things, and I usually if not always found them entirely stupid or hardly the big deal that I made them out to be, stuff that was just in my head, and not in reality, it is and was really difficult, because I found it also came from a whole deal about whether God would guide me right about staying in the relationship or not, so God even came into play, however I don't think you are going quite that far. But just pray pray pray, and trust God to show you the way, remember whoever you marry is the one you need to and should love as long as you both shall live, divorce isn't an option, and you become married under God, so that man or woman is the so-called "one" at that point, not some other person who "seems" so much better. Ok, I don't know if I got anything across, but be careful of these doubts, and Pray for God's help and guidance, and once you know whether or not to stay with your fiance, pray that the doubts will go away, and that God will calm your fears etc. God bless...

 

[bliz]

I have been with my boyfriend(now my fiance) for 2 years and 1 month. We have a very strong relationship and bond. People look at us and think we are the perfect couple and envy our relationship.

Sometimes it is hard to talk to my fiance though. Many things I like to do, he doesn't. Or he finds my hobbies or interests silly. He seems to always try to make me be someone I am not, someone more serious. I am so confused.

Those two statements do not compute. If one party in a relationship is always trying to change the other, that is not a good sign at all! In fact, it is a big red flag, and his disregard for your hobbies and interests is another.

Even if there were no other guy I would be advising you to break the engagement and take a break from the relationship. At this point in a relationship this guy should find everything about you to be wonderful and fascinating! He should be thrilled to learn new things about you, not trying to alter who you are.

 

[Fuzzy Yellow Slippers]

During most of our relationship I had so many ups and downs. It's like things will be going so amazingly and then it goes down, when it goes down I think that' it I am not going to be with him anymore. But by the time I decide to do something about it things are amazing again. And I think that I was such a fool to almost let him go. So again it is perfect and I am so in love. Then again something happens and Im like ok I cannot handle it, I am going to dump him. That's how it's been for a long time now. Up and down. Up and down. When things go good again I feel horrible for having thoughts of ending it with him.

Also, I am afraid of what he might do if I end our relationship. I may have my ups and downs about him but he doesn't. He is madly in love with me. I am his life, his everything. I know it and it hurts to think about what might be. I am very afraid that he might go suicidal on me if I break it off, he could definetly do something like that(he's very emotional and I know him). I am scared to death that if he were to kill himself or become some drunkie I would never forgive myself and would take this guilt to my grave. If anything happens to him I will not be able to let it go and it will ruin me. I will always know that it was my fault. I am very close with his family too. We share alot together and I cannot imagine what kind of pain they would go through.

 

[ironford]

you need to tell your fienace

 

[bliz]

Also, I am afraid of what he might do if I end our relationship. I may have my ups and downs about him but he doesn't. He is madly in love with me. I am his life, his everything. I know it and it hurts to think about what might be. I am very afraid that he might go suicidal on me if I break it off, he could definetly do something like that(he's very emotional and I know him). I am scared to death that if he were to kill himself or become some drunkie I would never forgive myself and would take this guilt to my grave. If anything happens to him I will not be able to let it go and it will ruin me. I will always know that it was my fault. I am very close with his family too. We share alot together and I cannot imagine what kind of pain they would go through.

Honey, you need to break it off with this guy. This has nothing to do with the guy behind Door #2. You are with him out of fear of what he might do to himself. This is not love. This is no sort of healthy foundation for a marriage. He is emotionally blackmailing you and controlling you with threats - spoken or suggested - about what he might do.

If he would choose to do anything to harm himself, it would be 100% his cholice. There is no decision you can make, no action you can take that will make him harm himself. He is quite capable of making his own decisions. ANd so are you.

A guy who can't live without you... who loves you so passionatly... it's all very dramatic and romantic.. it's also a lot of garbage! You are confusing his desire for control and posession with love. Love wants what is best for you. Threatening to harm himself if you won't be his girl is not love - it's manipulation through guilt and fear. Causing someone to feel guilty and be in fear is not a sign of love.

If you stick with this guy you will regret it for the rest of your life! Darlin', I've lived a bit and I've paid attention while I was doing it. I have seen all different kinds of relationships, and just from what little you have said (and I'm confident that you are holding back a whole lot more) I can tell you that this relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. Please pay attention! I am not a man-hating wacko! I am just tired of seeing so very many young women getting sucked into sick relationships.

 

[Fatolia]

i agree with bliz

 

[bliz]

Fuzzy Yellow Slippers -

I remember now... you had some uneasiness about your boy friend several months ago and I said similiar things to what I have said here at that time and you discounted everything I had to say and, if I remember correctly, I did not understand what a wonderful love the two of you had together...

Pay attention to what your mind and heart are telling you! How long will you let the possibility that this guy might do something rash keep you tied to him? Will you hang around long enough so that your children can learn to live in fear of what Daddy might do, too?

 

[Iggster]

Bliz beat me to it................But I agree with her completely.

It'll be blunt. But it is what it is. So may be when he commits suicide the cops should really treat it a homicide because you're the cause of his death.......Give me a break. I just got out of a relationship in fear for what my ex would do if I left. But there comes a point when people must bear a responsibility for their own actions. I am relieved that I am no longer imprisoned in my own mind.

If there is one thing I hate in this world, it's the stupid mind games people play on other people for their own selfish gains. That to me is not an act of love, but more of an act to hurt someone for their own selfish reasons.

 

[tyberium]

Ask God and after that, pray some more. I hope you find what He wants for you life.

 

[Humble_Paladin]

During most of our relationship I had so many ups and downs. It's like things will be going so amazingly and then it goes down, when it goes down I think that' it I am not going to be with him anymore. But by the time I decide to do something about it things are amazing again. And I think that I was such a fool to almost let him go. So again it is perfect and I am so in love. Then again something happens and Im like ok I cannot handle it, I am going to dump him. That's how it's been for a long time now. Up and down. Up and down. When things go good again I feel horrible for having thoughts of ending it with him.

Also, I am afraid of what he might do if I end our relationship. I may have my ups and downs about him but he doesn't. He is madly in love with me. I am his life, his everything. I know it and it hurts to think about what might be. I am very afraid that he might go suicidal on me if I break it off, he could definetly do something like that(he's very emotional and I know him). I am scared to death that if he were to kill himself or become some drunkie I would never forgive myself and would take this guilt to my grave. If anything happens to him I will not be able to let it go and it will ruin me. I will always know that it was my fault. I am very close with his family too. We share alot together and I cannot imagine what kind of pain they would go through.

Take it from someone who was hurt terribly by a situation just like you're describing: Break off the wedding, take a step back, and take a deep breath. Think...

Regardless of whether you are your fiance's "everything" or not you need to be an adult about this. You need to pray for wisdom and the Lord's Will be done! You only have one opportunity to get it right the first time, get it right!

 

[Humble_Paladin]

Bliz beat me to it................But I agree with her completely.

It'll be blunt. But it is what it is. So may be when he commits suicide the cops should really treat it a homicide because you're the cause of his death.......Give me a break. I just got out of a relationship in fear for what my ex would do if I left. But there comes a point when people must bear a responsibility for their own actions. I am relieved that I am no longer imprisoned in my own mind.

If there is one thing I hate in this world, it's the stupid mind games people play on other people for their own selfish gains. That to me is not an act of love, but more of an act to hurt someone for their own selfish reasons.

EXACTLY.

 

[gillerto]

I think that you shouldnt get married until you have sorted this out in your mind although that doesnt mean breaking off the engagement. Because you are not in a relationship with this other bloke you are seeing things with him in a different light, think what you thought of your fiance before you started going out. Think and pray carefully then if you are still committed to your fiance then it may help to stop or at least cut down the contact with this other bloke. Im praying for you and im sure you will make the right decision.

Adam

 

[Singin4Him]

Let me ask you, if your relationship now drags you through a rollercoaster of emotions do you not think that your marriage will be the same? I hate to tell you but if it's like that now it will not change. Just because things can be "amazing" at times does not mean that should out weigh the bad. Along with that you should never stay with someone because you're afraid he will do something to hurt himself. I stayed with a guy entirely to long because of that reason and he was abusing me but between the abuse we had moments there were what I thought at the time "amazing". Once I finally got up the nerve to end it I realized how much the bad out weighed the good and if I would have married him my life would have been miserable.

If you can honestly look to your future with hope and believe that you can have an incredibly happy Christ centered marriage together then go for it, maybe satan is tempting you with the other guy. However, if you believe even a little bit that you will be unhappy in your future marriage do not marry him. No matter what though I believe you need to take some time to figure things out because it is not fair to him that you're having thoughts about another man which are causing you to doubt and he has not clue. You need to take some time, possibly even a break from him to pray and ask the Lord to show you what it is he wants you to do.

Even if you feel you should be with this other guy I would not advise you to break it off with your fiance and instantly run to the other guy, give yourself time. No matter who it is that you feel you should be with if they are the one God has for you they will be forever and that will not change. Do not rush into anything, be wise and take your time. Marriage is not something to take lightly!