Enforcing a bedtime for 15 year old

[MidlifeMom]

Hi, I'm brand-new - my first posting, so hopefully I'm doing this right. It would take all morning to describe the difficulties we've faced this past year, with our oldest son who is 15 years old.

My husband and I differ a great deal on parenting (and yes, I know it's a HUGE problem, and we're in counseling - please pray for us!). Right now a couple 'hot' issues are: do we enforce a bedtime for our 15 year old, or just allow him to go downstairs to his room and go to bed (i.e. lights out, music or TV (no cable) off) at his descretion?

We've had a tremendous battle this year, including: our son defying us, cursing & threatening us, huge anger problems, running away, pot usage, truancy, and various visits to the Juvenile Justice Center for these things. He is one ANGRY kid. We are trying various counseling, mostly being resisted by him. He has been labeled having Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

My view is that, since we are currently on a good streak - he has stopped cursing us, he is going to school (WOW - 4 days in a row!), and is actually helping a little around the house, etc.-that we should allow him to set his bedtime and see if he can then be mature enough to get up each day for school. We have removed the TV from his room before due to this very problem.

Over Thanksgiving break I tried very hard to give him a big dose of unconditional love and positive affirmation. He seems to have really responded to it. My husband, on the other hand, barely talks to him and believes until Nick follows the rules, he doesn't deserve anything. And since Nick is our oldest, it is hard to know how and when to let go of certain things for Nick to control. Nick was allowed to be almost in full control about 2 years ago due to my husband and mine's major differences in our marriage & through my depression. We began trying to regain control when we found out about the pot usage. It's been a battlefield with Nick as our opponent ever since.

So, should we concentrate only on our major battles - truancy & disrespectful language - or go after every issue that bothers my husband? I'm the flexible, lenient one who is in a Parenting Class for Boundaries with Teens. So I have a hard time making those calls.

Sorry this is so long, but really wanted godly advice and just found this forum. Thanks!

 

[pmcleanj]

Oh dear! Have you ever got a difficult situation on your hands! It's so much easier dealing with mentoring a teenager, when you don't have a great many problems to UN-do first; but you can hardly go back and re-tread the past, so you've got to cope where you are.

The bottom line is, you can't enforce anything on a fifteen-year-old. By old-testament scriptural standards he's Bar Mitzvah -- an adult responsible for himself -- and has been since he was thirteen. Something as personal as his own bodily functions (to whit, sleep) are really his own business.

BUT -- you do have a responsiblity to control your own environment. If you need private time for yourself and your husband, if you want the lights out and the house quiet at a certain time --> for your own sake <-- explain that politely to your son, and let him figure out how to meet your need for quiet and privacy in the evenings. Then, what he does in his own room as long as it's legal non-threatening, is his business.

I think you'll go on finding, as you have already found, that the more you make him responsible for himself the better you will relate. The boundaries you need to set are YOUR boundaries -- the ones you're entitled to to let you feel secure and comfortable in your own home. Dealing with teenagers adult-to-adult, without giving up your own rights as an adult, is an empowering strategy for both of you.

 

[icbeckyc]

My rule is in room at 10:00pm. No phones or computers. They can read, listen to music, do a crossword puzzle or sudko, but they have to be in bed doors closed at that point. I just want a little quiet time to relax and be alone with my DH before I go to sleep. And they need downtime too.

 

[MidlifeMom]

I have never thought about the Old Testament bar mitzvah as relating to our contemporary teenagers. I guess that would make sense, though. Are there other O.T. scripture that deal with teens or older children?

I have tried to allow him the ability to control his bedtime at as long as he's not disturbing us; my husband thinks we need to control this.

 

[rocklife]

I was a teenager like your son. I'm almost 30 now and have repented. I have to point out, your husband's idea of not giving your son any love and attention until "he deserves it" is probably going to make it worse. My dad did that kind of thing, and I just gave up ever trying to make him happy. I just found the love I craved in other people (there are many predators, drug dealers out there ready to take young people). You might be able to help your son without your husband's help. Just don't copy that, and your son will probably hate him for it (or at least not trust him). It isn't healthy what is going on there, but you probably can't change your husband, just yourself

From my experience, being an ex-pot user and seller, kids who do drugs don't have enough supportive adults spending time and guiding them along. probably has too much unsupervised time. unfortunately unsupervised time can even be at school. some drug dealers are teens, and they go to school too (some of them anyway)

one other tip, if you force your son in his room at 10, and ignore him in his room, he will probably start sneaking out. I used to do it, and so do lot of other people.

I think giving young people as many positive healthy opportunities to make choices is a great thing, but they need adults to help and support them and give them wisdom and discipline. some choices they need an adult to tell them more why it isn't so good, and from the heart, not just bossing around. it's a hard balance, I'll be praying for you

 

[MidlifeMom]

I appreciate you sharing your story. I know that our son has a lot of unsupervised free time,and hasn't really found his way in school clubs, sports, etc. I homeschooled him when he was younger, so he entered school at middle school age. I have offered suggestions but he doesn't want to get involved (may lack confidence).

I know our son has sneaked out at night before, but right now he's under 'house arrest' so he knows he can't. I know pot must be available everywhere. He tested 'clean' right before Thanksgiving, and if that continues I won't force him into a treatment outpatient center. He is so resistent of everything we want - it has only been this past week that he is starting to open up to me, I know due to many people at church and in my Boundaries support group praying, and I think my trying to be very positive about his parent/teacher conferences (he's truant many times - so he's of course failing). I told him the most positive thing I could take out of those conferences: that the teachers said when he is in school, he is doing the work, and if he keeps it up he can pass the semester. I think it touched him at least unconsciously.

I know he's chosen some friends with lower moral values, and over time it has really taken him down. You're right - he had an empty relational hole that he filled with whoever/whatever would give him the attention and affection he needed.

We are starting counseling with a court-ordered service next week - pray that it will open up the hurts our family has in a way that my son, my husband, and I can see what's behind all this and be guided to change. My husband avoids dealing with painful things, so it will be hardest on him.

As far as positive adults, I've asked the teachers to step up the praise,if possible. Nick rarely attends church with us, but we have a Christian counselor he "says" he will go back to seeing. Please pray.

 

[icbeckyc]

 

[indagroove]

He naturally want's to resist everything you expect from him. It is very important that you and your husband to love him and let him know that you love him, and are forgiving. We all screw up in live. But if he thinks he has screwed up and now you reject him, he will lose any incentive to change.

Our younger girl is labeled having "Oppositional Defiance Disorder" . But no matter the disorder, it is not a pass for bad behaviour. We had to change some ways to present structure to her, and make sure we are consistant with discipline. We make sure all the girls understand their responsibilities, and the consequences for not doing what they are supposed to. The hardest part was for us to do our job. It's much easier to sit on the couch watching tv then to be chasing the kids around, and issuing consequenses for bad behaviour. As soon as we change our model, they came around.

Just last night we had to have a family meeting with the youngest 7,8, & 8 year olds. Reading them scripture regarding their tongue, and the words coming out of their mouths. They were starting the backtalk again. We started to ignore it, and then it turned into defiance.

You have a lot to deal with there. Unconditional love and support is good. Try not to take the attacks personal. Our 15yo daughter can have some real swings, but she is a good kid.

We do not impose a bed time. Except to say, she must be in the house. She can stay up, but she is also responsible for getting herself up and ready for school. Missing the school bus still costs her $5. We started that when she was 14. She rarely misses the bus, and the last time, we didn't charge her. We still hear her sometimes at midnight in the kitchen looking for a snack, but she gets up in the morning, and her mood is usually good.

She will lose the tv for other reasons though. Blantantly breaking a rule, and disrespect. When they get that old, our punishment is to take away the phone,tv, no rides to the store, no guests over, etc... If we are consistant with the dicipline, and stick to our guns, then she plays by the rules for the most part.

You husband is right that he needs to earn things, except for his love. Dad should be there with love and attention, unconditionaly. Dad holding back his love and affection will cause your son to respond negatively.

The big thing to realize is hormonal changes that can affect your son. That's the bigest reason not to take things personally.

Do not be afraid to take everything away. Phones, tv, remove everything for their room, from the house. We have been there. I have cut the cable to the house before. I hurt me too ...it was a day I wanted to watch the Colledge B-ball tornaments But I went right out side and cut the wire. No tv, no computer internet. No house phone. All the same wire. Kids had to stjust read books for three days. That changed a lot of attitudes. They now realize I really am crazy, and will cut the cable when I treathen to.

After all my rambling, what I really should have said is, Pray a lot about it. Kids need tight structure, and discipline for not living by the rules. While they reject rules up front, they really do behave better when there is structure. Make them feel secure by your unconditional love. Your husband needs to work on this. He needs to humble himself, and no matter how bad the child is, we must love them, and forgive them. If Jesus can forgive us with his blood, who are we to think we do not need to be forgiving to each other?

Hug him, just don't do it in front of his friends

God Bless.

 

[bliz]

So, should we concentrate only on our major battles -

Yes, only, as I see it, the major battle is not with your son, but with your husband. By withholding his love, your husband is provoking your son to wrath, something the Bible specifically admonishes parents not to do.

If your son feels loved by his father, he will try and please him, he will respect his judgements and he will accept discipling from him.

Time is running out. You husband needs to get his act together fast.

 

[DaffodillysDad]

So, should we concentrate only on our major battles - truancy & disrespectful language - or go after every issue that bothers my husband?

My wife and I just have 1 child and she's always been pretty easy to live with, but even so if we went after every issue that bothers us we'd be on her back all the time.

At 15 you've only got a few years of real influence left.
In your place, I'd put 100% of my effort on heart issues, and let things like bedtime, clothing or hair styles, etc. slide.

Bedtime is one of the first things we let go. We expect DD to be quiet and considerate if she stays up later than us, but as long as she's up and at the breakfast table on time in the morning we let her decide when she's ready for bed.

 

[Determinedheart]

This bedtime thing is not a big deal I let my son (14) stay up I just tell him to be quiet( please )while the rest of the house is sleeping and he always gets up in the morning by himself I think we as parents need to let go a little, give these children some freedom with guidance. I think we are so busy trying to mold them into what we think they should be and then we don't appreciate who they actually are and they do become very angry and try to escape and rebel. I think we have to much demand on kids today(and some parents not enough) I think we are so busy trying to make them into proper,perfect children and It is backfiring on us. I think from my own experience when I would tell my son all the time what he should and shouldn't be doing he started to get angry and rebellious and when I let him relax a bit more and be who God created him to be he is much nicer and happier, sure he has his moments he is a teenager But, I really believe in picking your battles and not trying to control every move they make. Try it and I know you will see a difference and keep up the possitive affirmation this makes a huge difference.

And yes children need rules,guidance and discipline. But I often think of how blessed we are with our merciful, loving, patient and full of grace Father we all have, and know that this is also something our children need.

I often question do we as parents reflect that character with our children ? do I ? not always, but I am constantly trying to

 

[tp65]

Unfortunately, you can't change your dh and that is where much of this battle stems. I, too, would require him to be quiet and respectful of others but would allow him to fall asleep when he can. Kids are on a different schedule than we are so sometimes they simply can't fall asleep. However, if he fails to get up in the morning I would start to enforce some kind of schedule. Tell him you will allow him to decide when to go to bed as long as he is up and ready for school in the mornings. Also, remember to praise him for the progress he is making, tell him you are proud!

As for the rest of it, maybe sit down with him and ask him what he hopes for his future. Then ask how you can help. He must have dreams and he is probably smart enough to know those dreams won't be fulfilled by what he is doing now. Tell him that you respect his dreams (and mean it...why do we tell our kids they can do anything then if they want to be a mechanic we tell them they can do better?) and want to help him reach them...make a plan together. Admit that you and your dh have made mistakes but you are trying to learn from them.

One more idea, find some time to spend alone with your dh...work on your relationship with one another then work together on your son.

Praying for you all.

 

[Rejoice37]

Kids need lots of love, affection, structure and boundaries. My heart goes out to you in this situation because parenting teenagers (I am learning) is VERY difficult. I have found myself truly relying on the Lord for wisdom and guidance more and more!

My son is 15 and we still have a 10:00 p.m. bedtime for him on school nights. Fridays and Saturdays it's midnight. The reason for this is that 1. Kids get up so early in the morning for school and truly need rest to be able to focus and concentrate. 2. Late nights without supervision can lead to problems. I worry about late night TV shows, late night computer etc....there is just too much out there that satan has to offer. Now when he turns 16 we plan to move it to 11:00 p.m. on school nights.


Now in the beginning, he was not thrilled with the bedtime, but I told him that he would thank me later when the school days/homework load, after school activities began to take it's toll. And sure enough, HE has started to go to bed even earlier than 10:00 on his own some nights because he's so tired.

What works for me may not work for you. I am learning that every teenager is different. What works for one kid may not work for the other. Each child is different. My daughter is 13 and believe you me....she is a lot more work than my son has been so far!!! WHEW!!!! She is my baby girl...love her to death...but BOY OH BOY is she a challenge!LOL! Parenting teeangers is hard...we do not know all the answers and we sure find that out don't we? But I am thankful that we have a GOD that DOES have all the answers and we must trust HIM to guide us as parents and give us wisdom and to watch over our kids and bring them through.

I'm praying for you sister!

Rejoice