Ending my Worthless Life

Some of you know my story, the tragedies in my life, and how I passionately sought God understanding some things, but feeling stuck and hopeless I dwelt in sorrow which led into sin. We all sin in our ways. That I have always had a passion for learning, and it took me to many places including science and the occult. That I am with God 100% now and have a good deal of arguments on his behalf based on my experiences.

Well despite my best efforts all I get from people is judgmentalism, rejection, and condemnation. You know who you are. You are the same people who stoned the prophets rather then debate with them, you are the same people who crucified Christ. You people make me sick. You can't deal with the points I make, no all you do is condemn with your one sentence replies and blasphemous words.

Recently I did my best to objectively deal with some arguments, and what did I get for my efforts? A woman came to tell me that I am the reason she hates this forum, and used Ghandi to say that I am without God and that all westerners don't know God. Gee, reading the entire sermon on the mount, apparently most of us who read the Bible don't do that.

Well I could say, that by saying "Thou Fool" implying one is without God, both this woman and Ghandi are in danger of hellfire, but I like Ghandi so I guess I am just going to have to accept that I am without God.

I mean what the hell, it's not like westerners have a completely different situation to deal with cause of technology or anything.

I don't see my life getting better, the world is at an all time low, and people are as rotten as ever. The Christians who kind of welcome me do so under obligation, it feels totally fake.

Rejection has always been a way of life for me, and always will be. So that's it, I give up. What's the point? Nobody want's me and God has no plan for my life, nor has he ever had one.

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So I'll do you all a favor and shut up and go back to barely existing. That's what you all really want anyway. This woman really hurt me and now I have lost all motivation to do anything for anyone.

Maybe I'm just deceiving myself to think God loves me. He isn't obligated to love me, and since nobody loves me, especially not authority figures, let alone the king of all kings, I'd might as well throw myself away like the human garbage that I am.

There's even things I hate about the Bible. I hate the way Jacob and many others had a ridiculous number of wives. I hate that they had more then one wife. I hate that they passed on their wives to their brothers and I especially hate the ridiculous question that was asked onto Jesus concerning 7 of them.

I hate that woman had no rights at all, and I hate that now it is basically the other way around. Scoff if you'd like, but there is no such thing as an undesired woman, and if I were female I would have a ridiculous number of horny male friends being nice and hoping to make friendly. I know, because I'm a man, I know how we think and I know how we are.

I hate your society, I hate your laws, and I hate your culture. I hate your programs upon programs, I hate your needlessly technical and confusing systems, I hate your narrowmindedness, I hate your obsession with work and money, and I especially hate that God's only solution is to let this world become as terrible as the times of Noah and then burn it to the ground.

Life is pointless for me. I quit, I resign. theres nothing more for me here. Put me on the cross and take my blood upon your hands.

Oh but I can't. As much as I hate this woman's guts right now, and everyone like her, I don't want to risk God taking vengeance on them because of me. Not that I would assume he cares enough about me to do that, but I cannot in good conscience risk it.

No, the right thing for me to do is to forgive and try to move on. To what I don't know, but I guess I'll stick around. I don't much feel like it, but what's right is often not what feels right.

Hmm, apparantly I have been blessed. You know I do believe you're right, I have always been proud of my super sensitivity, but it does generate a lot of anguish from time to time. It's funny, but I really do feel uplifted now.

During my journey I played a lot of games and eventually started using a forum name called Phaedron. I didn't think much of it at the time, but Phaedron is an angel name.

My account was synthesized because I was using two accounts at the time, Catharsis and Despair.

So the name Phaedron began to be associated with the angel who discovers deep contentment and Catharsis hidden within deep despair. Now I don't want to become the "joy of hell" of course, but I am going to meditate on this name to help me draw strength for dealing with the challenges and unfortunately setbacks in this world.

Jesus says in Mathew I believe, that the righteous shall be as angels in heaven. I cannot in all humility assume such a level of righteousness unless it is granted me after death by the most high.

The main issue I having with Christianity, it seems, is that I am too much of a free thinker to just follow along with the crowd. All of my free thinking has lead back to Jesus, for which I am grateful, but whether or not any of it is actually helpful is another story.

The ideal Christian is to me:

1) perfectly tranquil at all times. Not having any fear or worries
2) Perfeectly happy at all times. Being blessed with a good family situation
3) perfectly righteous at all times, denying himself and praising the lord

It just seems like my qualities of strong emotions, free thinking, imagination, and individuality do not lend themselves well to enduring persecution, being patient with others, and going with the herd.

One thing that does stick with me is the notion we are all here to learn lessons in life, and to grow beyond our normal abilities.

Of course it's easy for others to seem perfect and well off, but I know that everyone struggles with trials and tribulations throughout their lives, and that no one is perfect. We all sin in different ways, thus it is a trap to get too upset over some and lose sight of others. It helps to think of sin as inner errors that need to be corrected and resolved.

So while I find certain behaviors to inexcusable I am no saint, nor am I perfect. I tend to be blunt, crude, clueless, I have a blind spot, and often do not find the most appropriate ways to express myself or do something.

I forgive her. I know that God is always watching so I have a habit of allowing these things to be seen, even if they are blunders. In school I was the class clown, and I know my life has provided some entertainment to God and those watching.

I don't think that is a bad thing though. As I thoroughly enjoy these deep tales of human drama.

I am getting a bit scared though, of the whole angel thing. Angelic Ascension. Over 1000 Advanced Energy Workshops for Physical and Spiritual Evolution.

Now I have never studied energy fields, auras, angel energies, the higher self, or even the third eye, but I seem to be feeling a good deal of this on my own.

I only want to serve the lord and be one of his children. While I am trying to embrace righteousness I know that I am a sinner and that Jesus is the only way.

Under Phaedron I just kept making posts and coming to different conclusions. Part of me has always been growing in a good way, but my life has altogether been too much thinking, too much dreaming, and not enough taking action.

The Christian life has always been what I really wanted, but could never find.

Yeah, I guess I'm still working out some issues in places like this. When I meet people in the real world I like to be a bit more.... competent

Very good points. I'm learning a lot here so I at least know I'm where I need to be.

As for brilliance. I have monumental creative talents. I was born to be a reigning king of all things imagination. My skills in this area are so refined that I can sit down with anyone anytime and create a custom tailored unique adventure campaign for them out of nothing that I would later wind up turning into a full blown novel.

This would be king, however, abdicates his would be throne, trading all his would-be wealth for God's wealth. Had I gotten what I wanted I would be rich, but I still wouldn't be righteous or saved. If it goes to my head now, how much more if I were rich?

I like the scriptures you used in your signature Jasper. A winning combination indeed.

Those passages really cheered me up Aibrean. I especially like scriptures that show God talking to people in modern times. Here's a very brief review of my life:

Stage 1: Paradise

My memories begin at age 5. I was creative from the very start imagining myself to be a secret agent on a planet that was half desert half snow and my life consisted of fighting against my evil twin brother and his agents.

In school the teachers put my desk facing to the wall away from other students. A psychologist told me I had a face only a mother could love. People were mean to me, though I didn't see it, I however was more interested in pretending and make believe.

My family life was good. I was raised by my grandparents and then my real father came into my life. I had a few friends, there was even a girl I liked. We were supposed to be together, but our families had some kind of feud. Once, when we prayed together, I felt great warmth come over my hands.

Stage 2: Cursed

Age 13 I was transferred against my will to a new school. At the same time I was feeling a lot of deep emotions, including love, but had somehow lost the courage I used to have. For a used to be a free spirited class clown. My father came to live with us full time, and he was getting into occult studies. It was here that I was taught a great many bad ideas.

Age 15, autumn of 96' I got a flu and took it home to everyone. We kept circulating the sickness for quite a long time. There were voices and men in black. My father committed suicide and I was given three obvious warnings, but somehow I just didn't get it. So I blamed myself. My grandmother who had survived 7 years with Ovarian cancer immediately went to the hospital, lost the will to live, and died.

Thanks to my father was mind was full of conspiracy theories and it always felt like the end of the world was just around the corner. My stepfather filled my head with constant complaints about Arizona, and the people here. Between all this everything I wanted to do felt completely hopeless.

Stage 3: Sorrow

Alone, cut off, and filled with self-blame I began to forsake the things I really wanted: Love, happiness, family, and a good relationship with God. At 16 my best friend got me into weed and acid. I began stealing booze through a torn inner pocket in my fathers trenchcoat, because frankly I felt that my life had been stolen from me. My life consisted of lamenting myself, living in the past, feeling rejected, and drowning my sorrows in drugs, booze, video games, tv, etc.

At 17 I had a relationship for a months that didn't work out. Only seeing each other at high school made it hard, and she was in a group home. They eventually decided to transfer her far away so she broke it off. I was crushed and settled into despair.

Stage 4: Sloth

We moved again, I went to yet another highschool. Nothing eventful happened there, I graduated, but I had no focus for my life whatsoever. I was just me and my stepgrandfather. He worked at printing company, I went to work with him for a little bit. Then he retired. I went to learn some skills with computers, which I wound up goofing off, and machinist class, which was fun until I seriously hurt myself.

After that I descended deeper into sloth. I was alone all the time. I still hung out with some friends and played D&D, I studied various things, appreciated many new games and entertainment. This lasted from 18 to 27. At some point we mysteriously ran into Sarah's mother (my childhood sweetheart) and I was told she was getting married. This was literally out of nowhere, at a supermarket, by coincidence, and I hadn't spoken with either of them for at least 10 years.

Stage 5: Falling Away

Autumn of 2008, I was now 27. I started reading more into new-age stuff, including reincarnation and came to believe it was the original plan, but due to lucifers rebellion, Christ was required and a ressurection. I didn't have a bible anymore, I lost most of my things either through being messy or during the five times we moved, and I was still dealing with divination, and talking to psychics.

I joined an online dating site and met a woman. She was wiccan, and came to live with me for a year. I didn't think my grandfather would understand, being that we argued all the time, and so I hid everything. I had said in the past if I ever found love I would really get it together, but alas the relationship didn't go well. She was an overweight feminist yet I had to pay for everything and would be the only one to work.

Then she left in 2010, which was a horrible year full of sorrow. It was a year for synthesis and really reflecting on my life. At the end of this year I realized how far I had strayed from God, and how by accepting these other ideas I felt I didn't deserve to be saved and actually allowed my salvation to slip away. After my first experience with shrooms I saw demons, came to my senses, and renounced drugs.

Stage 6: Finally back with God

Deep repentence, fasting, learning, and now here I am. I asked for God to help me identify my sins and remove these aspects of me he didn't like. I then saw everything that I couldn't face about myself before. I was also worried because I had always believed something massive or bad would happen in 2012 and here it's already 2011.

I also realized that I had been blaming myself, living in the past, and that at some level I really hated myself. My sins felt inevitable, and served to further desecrate me. Obviously I can't love my neighbor as myself if I don't love myself. So now I am trying to accept God's mercy, his love, and his forgiveness. I praise him and pray daily.

The sad thing is that I realize how empty my life has been, and how great it could have been if only I followed after God with all my heart and soul, not being satisfied with this prison of gold where I can't get anywhere and keep accumulating expense for my retired grandfather. It literally seemed like there was no way out of sin. I had been taught many false things about the Bible, about church, about people, and my sense of rejection wouldn't allow me to pursue anything.

So I've just been judging myself, trying to make up for the past, apologize to people I've hurt and who have hurt me, and change my life for the better. I have a lot to make up for, so I hope the lord will help me find opportunities to serve in abundance.

Truth, sister.

However Jesus tells to be perfect, just as our father in heaven is perfect. AT THE VERY LEAST WE HAVE TO TRY.

What I have realized, though, is that what I have really struggled with my whole life has been self-love, and that my blaming myself lead me deep into the ways of self-hate.

Secretly, all sin is derived from self-hate. See my post on lest they turn and be forgiven.

Moreover, righteousness actually comes easy when you love yourself properly. There is a content so strong that sin is seen for what it really is.

God saw that he was dealing with a bunch of rebelious children, so he proclaimed he would harden their hearts, thus making it possible for them to find him through rebellion. yet they continued in their ways of hatred.

Yes the forum is brutal, but it's also a great place to practice forgiveness. For if we desire to be forgiven, then surely we must be tried to see if we can forgive others.