Empty promises.... Please advice

[LadyAngel]

im a 22 years female who is growing day by day spiritaully in the Lord. For the past six years i have always fallen in love with the wrong guys. even the ones in the church that are supposedly christians.
I met this 30 year old guy in my church and the first day i met him there was a verry stong connection which i cannot explain.
Weeks past and we started to get really close we would pray over the phone together and discuss things about God.

He started saying that he is in love with me and that he is sooo proud of me and that im like his soul mate. He was just like my best friend i could tell him anything. he was really concerned about my well being

I ld my mum about him later on and she TOLD ME CALMELY THAT I CAN neva go out with a 30year man that he is too old for me and that he would be controlling me and i wouldnt be happy.

so i told him and he was soo upset by wat my mum had said

One day he invited me over to his mums house and i said it fine i dint think that anything would happen cos his mum was there.
Little did i no i was wrong. his mum said she was going for a nap so it was just me and the guy that i really liked in the living room. before i knew it we were kissing and he was touching me in places that was not supposed to be touched. of course i was enjoying it and i never told him to stop. This happened on 3 occassions. I would say i would not do it agin but it happened. we Did not have sexual intercourse becuase i was tooo scared to have full sex but he was touching private places.
i told him we must stop becuase everytime i went to church i felt so guilty and ashamed. and he agreed.

then one day i noticed a sudden change he was as interested as he used to be in me. He stopped telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. so i told him that i had noticed a big change in him and he siad that the excitement is not there anymore that the excitement has left him. He also said that we should just be friends cos he knows that things will not work out becuase of my mum.
i was soooooooo devastated i gave my heart out to a guy that does not care about me i feel soo betrayed becuase he left me with empty promises. i feel soo down with myself cos i just keep thinkin how comes guys treat me this way. im not a bad person.

please if anyone is out there please could they advice me on what to do becuase he says that he still wants to be a friend to me. but i dont want to be his friend no more cos im thinking that if he does find someon else i would be soo hurt. he still calls and texts me everyday but i dont know how to say that he should leave me alone

 

[Bootstrap]

I think it's important that he understand how you feel, and that it's important for you to feel good and right about any relationship you are in before God.

Suppose he doesn't apologize and show signs that he understands this is a problem, and acts like he's mostly just frustrated you would not sleep with him and he's just not interested in you if you won't. If that's what happens, you don't need him even as a friend.

Suppose he says he loves you, but this is difficult for him. It's tough for a lot of guys, and not just for guys. If that happens, I'd tell him I understand that it's difficult, and you're sorry you can't make it easier, but you really need him to see how important it is to you to have integrity before God on this issue. And find some gentle way to say that if he only loves you if he can have sex with you, that's just not going to fly.

Suppose he apologizes and understands, but he also doesn't want to date you. You have some feelings you need to talk through, and I'd discuss this with friends too. If you can work through these feelings, you may well be able to be friends. But you'll have a lot to work through emotionally to get to that point. And if he's not willing to do the emotional work, this ain't gonna happen.

Does that help?

Jonathan

 

[Bootstrap]

By the way, Cloud and Townsend have a bunch of books on dating that have good information on how to find the right kind of guys. I'm most familiar with their "Boundaries in Dating", but they also have a book called "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping". Based on what I read in "Boundaries in Dating", I think it might be worth checking out.

Jonathan

 

[LadyAngel]

but i find it quite hard as well cos we are both in the same church and i wonder if it was ever true love

 

[Bootstrap]

but i find it quite hard as well cos we are both in the same church and i wonder if it was ever true love

It's hard to be in the same church with someone who has hurt you. But a lot of us have spent plenty of time in that situation, God gives grace.

Was it true love? I think true love is something you build, not just a feeling, and true love is defined in 1 Corinthians 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Was this love patient and kind? Was it rude and self seeking? Did it seek the truth? Did it protect?


Nobody's love is perfect, and it takes time to build, but if it doesn't meet the above criteria, it's not true love. Now matter how much the hormones are flowing.


The kind of love you need for marriage is the same kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13, adding in chemistry. If the chemistry isn't there, you've got a loving friendship.



Jonathan

 

[LadyAngel]

he said the excitement left him becuase of my mum but i dont beleive him.. i think there is more to it and he is not saying it.. he also says he cant explain it but hes just not interested

 

[Bootstrap]

he said the excitement left him becuase of my mum but i dont beleive him.. i think there is more to it and he is not saying it.. he also says he cant explain it but hes just not interested

Well, if he wants to be your friend, he's gonna have to explain it, so you can start working things through.

Friendship requires work. If he's not interested in doing that work ... well, draw your own conclusions.

Jonathan

 

[LadyAngel]

thanks Bootstrap