Emotional affair

[AlwaysHaveAlwaysWill]

I have been married for 17 years and my husband told me about 4 months ago that he was very unhappy. I have been controlling and disrespectful and although I KNOW I'm not the only one to blame, I do take responsibility for the pain I've caused. In the past month and 1/2 or so my husband has said that things aren't changing and that he is 'done'. He's not leaving our 3 kids nor me. He has said divorce is an "option" but he's not acting on that. With all the conversations we've had I feel like we are making small progress, but if you push him he'd say he's still 'done', but he's acting like that less and less.
We are not physically intimate and I do not believe, for several good reasons, that he is NOT having physical affair. However, he admits to talking to women that are "just friends". One woman in particular is a former friend of mine and I've always suspected that she LIKES my husband. she is going through abuse and a divorce and she has confided in my husband. He insists that she is just a friend who needs his help. He has always had female friends but this woman and another woman that I noticed a couple texts from include information about our marriage problems. His other female friends and coworkers, in the past, were always friendly with me and I trusted him completely.
The problem?? I know that if I asked him to stop communicating with these women he would say "fine, then we're done. You don't trust me and they are just friends." If it were physical I would be okay with that, but at this point I truly don't think he realizes how damaging this is to our marriage or any possibility of repairing it. And more importantly, at this point and time he doesn't care. Should I set these boundaries and see what happens? Or should I give it more time and pray that someone else will knock some sense into him? If he hears it from others that his "friendships" are dangerous to his marriage, will he listen? He just thinks I'm jealous of her and any female friendship.

Please understand that I do not want this marriage to end. I am willing to work as hard as I need to to keep this family together. We are making progress with our relationship in small steps.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Your feelings should be more important to him than his friendships with other women, especially now when your marriage is in a fragile state. He should not be devoting time and energy to any woman who is not you.

I don't know if hearing it from someone else would help him see that it's inappropriate. You know better whether that would work or not. Have you tried counseling? Perhaps a therapist could help. Have you told him that it makes you uncomfortable when he confides in other women about your marriage issues? How does he respond? If he's completely unwilling to talk about it, then it doesn't seem like he is working as hard as you are to keep your family together. If you do press the issue, he might react harshly and decide he is "done".

I hope God restores and strengthens your marriage. The fact that you are willing to work as hard as necessary shows that there is hope, but he has to be just as willing.

 

[archer75]

What has your relationship been like over the past ten years or so? You say nothing physical, has there been any emotional anything? Or have you been pretty estranged?

 

[AlwaysHaveAlwaysWill]

We have been raising our kids, he's worked a lot, we have been "fine" but I wouldn't say we were GREAT. No physical or other affairs that I'm aware of. He says he's been feeling disrespected by me for quite a few years and has "tried" to tell me. I am a strong personality and he's much quieter.

 

[gym_class_hero]

women need love, men need respect. It's hard for a woman to understand, but a man wont give love if he's feeling disrespected. Little things, like insulting or challenging his place in front of others has a crippling effect. I heard a great message about this recently, if I can recall it I will post it here. Id suggest going to a Christian counselor.

heres a good article on the subject.

Love and Respect: Basics for Marriage | Desiring God

God bless your family!

 

[AlwaysHaveAlwaysWill]

women need love, men need respect. It's hard for a woman to understand, but a man wont give love if he's feeling disrespected. Little things, like insulting or challenging his place in front of others has a crippling effect. I heard a great message about this recently, if I can recall it I will post it here. Id suggest going to a Christian counselor.

That is exactly what I have been learning about and have been applying. It is working slowly because it had just gotten to the point where he doesn't believe I can change. I just don't know if I should confront the emotional affair more than I have or just work on what I can on my end...

Love and Respect by Eggerts and I STRONGLY recommend www.peacefulwife.com for lots of good information about this!!!

 

[gym_class_hero]

work on yourself. If you can change with Gods help, it will most likely work out. He sounds like a decent guy, works hard, loves his kids. If he gets steak at home, he wont go out for hamburger.

 

[PollyJetix]

We have been raising our kids, he's worked a lot, we have been "fine" but I wouldn't say we were GREAT. No physical or other affairs that I'm aware of. He says he's been feeling disrespected by me for quite a few years and has "tried" to tell me. I am a strong personality and he's much quieter.

You know, it might be really important to try to quiet yourself, and learn to listen to him. Tell yourself it's more important to hear what he's saying, than for him to hear what you have to say. Don't react quickly to anything he says. Don't even respond... just mirror first what he says. Repeat back to him what you think he is saying. And let what he says have as much weight as you want your words to have weight to him. And give your opinion only if he asks for it... and make sure you speak more slowly, and more quietly, so as not to overwhelm him.

In other words... learn to be loving. Not romantic. Not expecting him to love you back.
But just learn to take care of the person he is. Provide a safe place for him to come to.

In the meantime, pull away a bit from looking to him to provide your identity and worth.
Find time to become grounded, just you by yourself, in God. You will need this strength, for the days ahead. I promise.

The only way to win friends (and spouses back) is to give them a place where they feel valued, respected, wanted.
You chase anyone with your own needs or desires, or demands... they will run away only faster.
Especially straying spouses.

It might be too late... but this is the only way you could ever save your marriage from certain eventual divorce.

 

[AlwaysHaveAlwaysWill]

Thank you everyone. You are mirroring back to me what I have been trying to do. My current mantra is "Be still". This situation is testing me. I am trying really hard to learn more about him and his moods and RESPECT those moods. It's hard not to want to control the situation in some way, but I have to truly give it to God. He has made me stronger and now He has told me to get out of the way and let him work on my husband. Thank you all for confirming what I think I already knew in my heart. I am so glad that I didn't get any "just divorce" him comments. In my heart, I feel he's just hurting an finding someway out of the hurt--temporary as it may be. Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you!

 

[*LILAC]

It sounds to me like he is keeping his "options open" when it comes to the other women. So when he thinks he's through fighting for his marriage, he may have someone to fall back on. The fact that you're not physically intimate anymore sends a very red flag in a marriage. Physical intimacy is a huge deal and needs to be addressed. I hope he can see the damage that he is doing as well, instead of blame-shifting onto you even when you admit your flaws. Does he have any man friends he can confide in instead of other female friends?

 

[archer75]

It sounds to me like he is keeping his "options open" when it comes to the other women. So when he thinks he's through fighting for his marriage, he may have someone to fall back on. The fact that you're not physically intimate anymore sends a very red flag in a marriage. Physical intimacy is a huge deal and needs to be addressed. I hope he can see the damage that he is doing as well, instead of blame-shifting onto you even when you admit your flaws. Does he have any man friends he can confide in instead of other female friends?

I'm not sure if I have anything to contribute to this thread, but I would like to say that for some men, it just doesn't work out to "confide in man friends." A lot of men just can't really "hear" that sort of thing, so even if you say it to them, it's just humiliating or like they didn't even hear it. I have several good long-term (many years) male friends and it's pointless to talk to them about relationship problems. I don't really talk to female friends about that stuff much, either, but for different reasons.

I say this not because your husband is necessarily in the same situation as I am in terms of male friends, but he very well may be, and I think some women do not know that this situation is possible.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

The issue of "friends" is a VERY hard one. If you push to much it can lead to angry resentment from him that could ruin the marriage and cause a split. But if you push to little and someone is "more" then friends then it could also damage the marriage because you were to lenient. Sadly theres no magic answer really. Not for now.

I know my wife knows most of my friends are women. She also knows I always found it easier to talk to women growing up more then guys. She knows I am as loyal as you can get. She has no jealousy or anything. Though to be fair there only one or two I would talk to about my marriage. Only because they may have wisdom on things I do not since I've only been married almost 5 years. Doesn't mean I like the women or anything in terms of more then just friends. They are just sisters in Christ.

I will say you seem like you are fine if he has female friends as long as they act like just friends. So if you feel this woman may want more you could always ask her privately. I mean that may cause issues with your husband and of course she may lie if she is more then friends. Again its not an easy thing to deal with.

With all this said, does he believe in privacy when it comes to his phone, email, facebook....etc? This is a REAL red flag. I've always said there is no reason to keep any of that from a spouse. In 95% of cases I've seen, someone who wants privacy turns out to be doing something wrong.

 

[archer75]

Another note: you mentioned that he keeps saying he is "done" but appears not to be leaving. There is not a whole lot of leverage in a marriage for a man who is not willing to behave very poorly (throwing tables, screaming with enough force to paralyze everyone with fear, and so on). I know women on the thread may disagree here, but at least from the man's perspective, if the woman behaves poorly, you pretty much have to give in, because you know there won't be any social support for you anyway. It sounds like your husband doesn't do this stuff. He may be saying this to get your attention (which doesn't mean he doesn't also mean it in some way).

 

[WolfGate]

It sounds to me like he is keeping his "options open" when it comes to the other women. So when he thinks he's through fighting for his marriage, he may have someone to fall back on. The fact that you're not physically intimate anymore sends a very red flag in a marriage. Physical intimacy is a huge deal and needs to be addressed. I hope he can see the damage that he is doing as well, instead of blame-shifting onto you even when you admit your flaws. Does he have any man friends he can confide in instead of other female friends?

This was kind of my concern as well. Is it his desire that you not be physically intimate? Or does he wish to but you are not?

FWIW, friendship with the opposite sex and emotional affairs are two very different things. However, an unhappy marriage can certainly make it easier for friends to become too emotionally close.