Embarassing question.

[lilyy]

Hello, I've lurked here on and off but never posted. I am a christian but have fallen alot this year. I have a boyfriend of 6months who isn't necesarily born again, but he believes in God. To get to the point. I ask you please don't judge me,I know I made a mistake. I went over to my bf place couple nights ago, and we had an intense make-out session. We had never had sex before, but we have done other things, and we both came to a mutual agreement that we should have condoms just in case we were overtaken by temptation. Ive had too many friends that say they wanted to remain virgins, but ended up giving in and a few ended up pg, i didn't want to be one of those stats. Anyway it starts to get to that next level,i was battling in my mind,my flesh wanted to, but i knew i shouldnt be going that far.Without getting too descriptive, he entered me and I started to freak saying that he needed a condom. He told me not to worry,he'd take care of itand pull out. i told him to stop and he kept going. Is this considered rape, I mean I did give him mixed signals. Afterwards he apologized and said he got carried away. I told him I was mad,upset,hurt etc and left. Part of me feels disrespected because he didn't listen but part of me understand that the hormones were high that night, and i probably would have let him had he had a condom. I know its wrong. I just need someone to help me sort out my feelings on this.

 

[Cecilia]

It is date rape, sweetheart. You need to talk to someone about it, maybe your minister. Someone needs to know. If you tell him audibly to stop, then he has to stop or he crosses the line. I'm praying for you so hard right now. I love you *hug*. If you need someone to talk to, please PM me, ok? I won't judge you. I've been there, I know what it feels like.

 

[Hediru]

I'm praying too, hun. That is date rape, no question about it. It is not your fault. If he truly loved and respected you, he would have waited like you wanted to. And it doesn't matter what your hormones were saying. Your heart, and more importantly, your mouth, said "No!" and no means no! If you haven't already, go see someone, a doctor, a minister, a counselor, or SOMEONE who can help you out. Also, don't forget to get tested for pregnancy and/or any STD's. Also, I would not suggest seeing the guy again. What he did to you was disrespectful, immoral, and not to mention, illegal. I will pray for your recovery during this time.

 

[scruffy1986]

That's awful! it is date rape!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

The two of you discussed using condoms, had them available, but he refused to use one. He's not looking too good to me, especially since you said you were freaking out and that should've been obvious to him.
Legally it is rape because you said no, and his refusing to use a condom is just so bad. I was in a similar situation with someone who I didn't know for very long, but I cannot bring myself to call it rape because I know I bear so much responsibility for being in that situation. It's a crappy way to lose your virginity though. This is a good reminder of why we should not be pushing those boundaries and placing ourselves in those situations.
I think this is your opportunity to end this relationship and never date a non-believer again. This guy has shown you how much he values his own immediate pleasure over your health and fear. Not preaching, but you mentioned that he believed in God. So does Satan. I remember saying the same thing to my mom when I came home from my first date with my ex-husband. That led to a painful marriage and two kids without a father. God has given us these guidelines and commandments for our own good. A counselor is probably a good idea and also a lot of prayer. I hope this situation will be the start of a new, stronger relationship with God.

 

[lilyy]

I still feel like I bear a brunt of the responsibility. I hate tro admit this,but towards the end I started to enjoy the feeling. I think part of me just stopped trying to fight it. I have mixed feelings about breaking up. He's been calling but I havent answered yet.

 

[shortaug]

Okay, I'm not goign to say it wasn't 'date-rape', but from what I can tell, there are a lot of significant variables that are being left out simply because they can't be effectively communicated on these message boards. Variables that both of you brought to the situation.

You've gotten about all the help you can from here. To actually face-to-face talk with someone you trust is your first step. With this person, you, YOU, need to work out in your own mind what took place night. Once you have it figured out what actually took place, you'll know better where to go. Couseling on rape? Press charges? Asking forgiveness from God? Hashing it out with your BF to overcome what happened (provided it wasn't rape). So on.

Once YOU have worked out what actually took place, you'll be able to figure out a way to get through this. Right now, it sounds as if you're uncertain and are wanting other people to tell you what happened. We weren't there.

 

[lilyy]

I know what took place that night, just wanted to talk to others to see if what I'm feeling is normal. While I didn't feel scared for my life the way some rape victims do, I felt betrayed. Not too much I left out that I did't share, besides the fact that when he pulled his pants down, my first question was.."do you have a condom". He didn't respond and went about his business.I told him to stop, told him I could get pregnant, and that's when he said he would pull out. I continued to tell him to please stop, but he was in his own little world.

 

[Tashie]

im praying for you,
talk to someone face to face, like the others said, and dont be afraid or ashamed to do it.

Love xzx

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I know what took place that night, just wanted to talk to others to see if what I'm feeling is normal. While I didn't feel scared for my life the way some rape victims do, I felt betrayed. Not too much I left out that I did't share, besides the fact that when he pulled his pants down, my first question was.."do you have a condom". He didn't respond and went about his business.I told him to stop, told him I could get pregnant, and that's when he said he would pull out. I continued to tell him to please stop, but he was in his own little world.

Re-read what you have written. You told him to use a condom, you told him to stop. He ignored you. He has put you at risk of pregnancy and STD's-some are fatal or can lead to cancer. If you continue in this relationship you are going to have problems. I predict that even if you decided not to have sex with him anymore(because it's wrong outside of marriage) he will now believe it is his right as your bf since you've already started. And it's obvious that his desires come before anything that you have to say. Is that really what you want for yourself. Just another thought (one that I considered long ago)-you are a Christian and he is not. What kind of a witness are you? Do you consider that you may be a stumbling block to him coming to know Jesus? This goes for Christians also-when we engage in sex outside of marriage we are not helping our partner in their spiritual walk-we are driving a wedge between them and listening to the Holy Spirit. They will be ignoring the nudgings of the Holy Spirit and it will get harder and harder to hear after a while. That is a burden that I need to keep considering when I'm tempted.
It is absolutely foolhardy to have sex with someone who is not a virgin without being checked for STD's. That's another thread in itself though.

 

[lilyy]

Thanks for rubbing it in....I guess. Not like I had much of a choice. He actually has to get HIV testing once a year for his job, his last test was 3months ago and he's clean. Ironically he's only had two partners and they were both Virgins. I do plan on getting a regular check up at my OB, but I'm more worried about becoming pg at this point.

 

[JacobHall86]

Okay, I'm not goign to say it wasn't 'date-rape', but from what I can tell, there are a lot of significant variables that are being left out simply because they can't be effectively communicated on these message boards. Variables that both of you brought to the situation.

You've gotten about all the help you can from here. To actually face-to-face talk with someone you trust is your first step. With this person, you, YOU, need to work out in your own mind what took place night. Once you have it figured out what actually took place, you'll know better where to go. Couseling on rape? Press charges? Asking forgiveness from God? Hashing it out with your BF to overcome what happened (provided it wasn't rape). So on.

Once YOU have worked out what actually took place, you'll be able to figure out a way to get through this. Right now, it sounds as if you're uncertain and are wanting other people to tell you what happened. We weren't there.

I agree with all of that, I also want to point out that it doesnt sound like date rape. The talk of condoms and everything else leads me to think otherwise. Does what happened suck? Of course, but I dont beleive it was date-rape.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I know what took place that night, just wanted to talk to others to see if what I'm feeling is normal. While I didn't feel scared for my life the way some rape victims do, I felt betrayed. Not too much I left out that I did't share, besides the fact that when he pulled his pants down, my first question was.."do you have a condom". He didn't respond and went about his business.I told him to stop, told him I could get pregnant, and that's when he said he would pull out. I continued to tell him to please stop, but he was in his own little world.

This speaks volumes about where he and his heart are. And they're not with you.
Granted it takes two to get into this situation. But this does not excuse how he has treated you.
In your most vulnerable moment he has said through his actions that you don't really matter.

No means no. Stop means stop. Your voice should never have to worry about falling on deaf ears. Your voice should never think that it is not important or be taught that it is not important.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I still feel like I bear a brunt of the responsibility. I hate tro admit this,but towards the end I started to enjoy the feeling. I think part of me just stopped trying to fight it. I have mixed feelings about breaking up. He's been calling but I havent answered yet.

God engineered your body to enjoy sex. So it only recognizes a pleasurable stimulus. The circumstances were kinda screwed up, but to your body, it still felt good. So it's not weird that you found yourself enjoying it.
I wish the experience could have been better for you though. That was not the way it is supposed to be.

 

[California Dreamin']

I know what took place that night, just wanted to talk to others to see if what I'm feeling is normal. While I didn't feel scared for my life the way some rape victims do, I felt betrayed. Not too much I left out that I did't share, besides the fact that when he pulled his pants down, my first question was.."do you have a condom". He didn't respond and went about his business.I told him to stop, told him I could get pregnant, and that's when he said he would pull out. I continued to tell him to please stop, but he was in his own little world.

From this post in particular, it sounds like he was after the one thing and didn't really care how you felt. I understand what you mean about giving into temptation, I actually went and got on the birth control the beginning of June because the end of May my boyfriend and I did it once and then after that we were both under a lot of tension and stress, because I thought I was pregnant. It was a really difficult time because we did have plans to wait until we were married.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Thanks for rubbing it in....I guess. Not like I had much of a choice. He actually has to get HIV testing once a year for his job, his last test was 3months ago and he's clean. Ironically he's only had two partners and they were both Virgins. I do plan on getting a regular check up at my OB, but I'm more worried about becoming pg at this point.

If this is addressed to me, you misunderstood what I was saying. I know you asked him to wear a condom. the sentence about being tested for STDs is a general comment to everyone and everyone's friends.

 

[unjustwar]

Thanks for rubbing it in....I guess. Not like I had much of a choice. He actually has to get HIV testing once a year for his job, his last test was 3months ago and he's clean. Ironically he's only had two partners and they were both Virgins. I do plan on getting a regular check up at my OB, but I'm more worried about becoming pg at this point.

in the heat of the moment things do get carried away... and you probably were giving him mixed signals. its not date rape, but he should have listened to you. if he withdrew before he [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] then their still is a chance you could pregnant but I doubt it. I have no clue how HIV got brought up. Were not in Africa you know...

 

[California Dreamin']

HIV is a concern everywhere, not just Africa, that's very ignorant. It does not discriminate.

 

[zealot66]

you know what ? id wager that premarital sex is the most common trip up for 'christian kids'. We marry at a late age. Sex happens. The only way to avoid being overcome with 'sex' is to keep yourself out of the situation. If your partner cant understand that then you need to get a new boyfriend or better yet, wait for the right one who believes the same as you.

Im not condeming. I did the same thing. my now wife and I waited two years without sex. Then it happened. My only love but it just as easily could have ended after it happened. For me, having sex meant that was my girl for better or worse, I was just too dumb and irresponsible to get married at the time.

Sex happens.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

in the heat of the moment things do get carried away... and you probably were giving him mixed signals. its not date rape, but he should have listened to you. if he withdrew before he [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] then their still is a chance you could pregnant but I doubt it. I have no clue how HIV got brought up. Were not in Africa you know...

What you have said is so scary. You should go to the CDC (Center for Disease Control) website and look up sexually transmitted diseases. You will be suprised at the rates of HIV infection among young people. Scary......