Have you experienced this? How did you deal with it in the beginning stages of a relationship? What sorts of ebbs and flows have you felt in your relationships?
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Ebb and flow of relationships...
- Thread starter dluvs2trvl
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Quoth
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Have you experienced this? How did you deal with it in the beginning stages of a relationship? What sorts of ebbs and flows have you felt in your relationships?
Discuss
I'm not sure what you mean by ebb and flow, D. Do you mean emotionally? Circumstantially? Ecumenically? Grammatically? Supernaturally? Letsseehowmanymore'ly'wordsSkellcancomeupwithly?
Don't try to pronounce that last one. You'll give yerself a hernia.
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wallaby
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when im dating someone, we generally talk at least an hour or ten every day. sometimes the need for that is dire and sometimes im ok with not saying much at all. thats fairly cyclical. because of depression, i would sink in and out of apathy towards the relationship, when i was dating, but i had faith that my love transcended my current emotional state. the first time i dated, the depression was gone completely until things turned sour. i deal with the cycles by trusting my actions over my feelings and trusting in my partner to make the decisions that will bring us together and create the most satisfying life for us, both as individuals and as a couple.
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RobinRedbreast
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Love is very rarely 100% constant, and that's ok. This often confuses people in long-term relationships. They think something is wrong, they even sometimes think the relationship is ending, all because one day the relationship isn't nearly as intense as it once was, or they become confused between days of high and low points in the range of how they feel or how their partner appears to feel.
This is more of what I see as ebb and flow. Love ebbs and flows in a healthy way. One day it can be intense, and the next day you may not even notice it. Love is both a feeling and a choice, so marriages that last the longest are between people who understand when there is a low-point in the ebb and flow of love, they must choose to love their partner, rather than relying 100% on feeling it alone.
*rambles* Anyway, that is how I view it.
This is more of what I see as ebb and flow. Love ebbs and flows in a healthy way. One day it can be intense, and the next day you may not even notice it. Love is both a feeling and a choice, so marriages that last the longest are between people who understand when there is a low-point in the ebb and flow of love, they must choose to love their partner, rather than relying 100% on feeling it alone.
*rambles* Anyway, that is how I view it.
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latteda
You're not my nemesis
Yes. I just always wait it out and try not to over-analyze it. Realistically, it's just the way it is sometimes...don't worry that everything's wrong.
The frustrating thing is that usually one person tends to be more intense while the other person is more apathetic, and then it's like they switch. It's weird how that is, but I think it's pretty normal.
The frustrating thing is that usually one person tends to be more intense while the other person is more apathetic, and then it's like they switch. It's weird how that is, but I think it's pretty normal.
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Mrs. Luther073082
Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3
I thought Kirk did a pretty good job describing things in this post:
For me a lot of the trust building revolved around actually allowing myself to believe that he felt the way he said he did, he would do what he said he'd do, and that he was committed for the long run. And then to believe that he was going to stay that way.
For him I am sure it was much of the same -- he also was very insecure at first in being almost convinced I'd dump him soon after we met because that's happened to him before. He didn't want to tell man people I was coming for Thanksgiving because 2 times in the past he told his family/friends and then was embarassed when no one came after a big deal had been made about it.
^This was also a big adjustment for me. Several months before we even met we decided that we were going to commit to talking on the phone every day so that we would hopefully not feel as awkward when we met in person. This of course continued after we met. By that time it was something I looked forward to and enjoyed, but in the beginning it could be a bit overwhelming at times because I hadn't ever really been that big of a phone person and of course I was worried about all sorts of things and would overanalyze too.
Occasionally making daily time for Kirk is a bit tough with school and things going on but we always call to at least say goodnight if nothing else.
I don't have anything to add here. What he said.
luther073082 said:
For me a lot of the trust building revolved around actually allowing myself to believe that he felt the way he said he did, he would do what he said he'd do, and that he was committed for the long run. And then to believe that he was going to stay that way.
For him I am sure it was much of the same -- he also was very insecure at first in being almost convinced I'd dump him soon after we met because that's happened to him before. He didn't want to tell man people I was coming for Thanksgiving because 2 times in the past he told his family/friends and then was embarassed when no one came after a big deal had been made about it.
luther073082 said:
^This was also a big adjustment for me. Several months before we even met we decided that we were going to commit to talking on the phone every day so that we would hopefully not feel as awkward when we met in person. This of course continued after we met. By that time it was something I looked forward to and enjoyed, but in the beginning it could be a bit overwhelming at times because I hadn't ever really been that big of a phone person and of course I was worried about all sorts of things and would overanalyze too.
Occasionally making daily time for Kirk is a bit tough with school and things going on but we always call to at least say goodnight if nothing else.
luther073082 said:
I don't have anything to add here. What he said.
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latteda
You're not my nemesis
I would have to echo that. So much of it centers around trust. There are two realizations that I had to come to:
1. Here's a difference I noticed: If he doesn't consistently say a certain thing, I tend to wonder if he's changed his mind. Whereas for him, if he said it once, he tends to think I'll assume that he hasn't changed his mind unless he indicates otherwise. I pointed that out to him once. "I need to hear it regularly or I assume you've changed your mind." That's just part of the way most women are, while I think guys are the opposite. In my relationship, I sometimes just tell myself, "Just because he hasn't said/done such and such, doesn't mean his feelings for me have changed in any way." I'll try to recall to mind recent things he has said and just trust that he still means those things. Other times, if I need to hear it/see it, I'll honestly let him know. I'll ask, "Do you still think I'm beautiful?" or whatever. Don't hesitate to let him know what your needs are from time to time, but also remind yourself of the truth and choose to believe it and to trust him. If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be dating you!
2. Guys can sometimes be clueless about the romantic things that are important to us women. Again, in this area I have tried to be honest with him. "We haven't been on a nice date in awhile and I really need one" or whatever. The first conversation like that we had, I think he was totally shocked, because he just didn't realize that I was bothered by what was coming across as apathy. He didn't feel apathetic, and he didn't mean to come across that way, our expectations were just different. These are things you just have to work through and learn about each other.
Hope that helps.
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Oh Skelly - you're funny
and I mean emotionally and circumstantially Interesting perspective - thanks for sharing it with me. I especially liked the parts that I bolded. I have one question though...did you find yourself making the decisions to bring you and your partner together when your partner was going thru a more withdrawn time?
That was a very good ramble and pretty much sums up what I thinkLove is very rarely 100% constant, and that's ok. This often confuses people in long-term relationships. They think something is wrong, they even sometimes think the relationship is ending, all because one day the relationship isn't nearly as intense as it once was, or they become confused between days of high and low points in the range of how they feel or how their partner appears to feel.
This is more of what I see as ebb and flow. Love ebbs and flows in a healthy way. One day it can be intense, and the next day you may not even notice it. Love is both a feeling and a choice, so marriages that last the longest are between people who understand when there is a low-point in the ebb and flow of love, they must choose to love their partner, rather than relying 100% on feeling it alone.
*rambles* Anyway, that is how I view it.
The hard part is establishing the trust that your (or my) partner has that same point of view and will choose to stick with a relationship during a less intense time. 
I dated a guy once that felt that makes he no longer felt the same intense feelings towards me as he had when we first started dating then it must not be true love
I tried to explain that no relationship can sustain that level of intensity over time and that it changes and matures and grows but he disagreed and said that he was looking for a relationship where he always felt that overwhelming sense of love for the person no matter what happened. He's still single by the way and not dating anyone and has only dated one person (for a month) since we broke up 2 years ago - not really sure why that sort of makes me want to but it does 
Yep! I totally agree with what you said...the hard part is getting thru that first time of feeling your partner pull back and be more apathetic. It's waiting to see if they will come out of it or if it's the beginning of the end.
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Thanks for posting that Melissa! I thought he summed it up really well too! And I am realizing how much of this IS about trust. It's amazing to me that no matter how old I get and how much I think I have things figured out and am prepared for feelings I felt before, they still sort of take me by surprise and I have to work thru them all over again, in each new relationship.
It is about allowing myself to believe what he says and not second guessing it. It is about not thinking he is going to turn out like some of the other guys I have dated and say one thing but then do another. He has always done what he says he's going to do so I need to trust that and not doubt it. It is about learning a whole new person and their moods and how they react to stress and what is encouraging to them and what their hot spots are - those things that really are a negative to them even if you didn't mean it to be - all those things take time and effort to work thru and it's trusting that the other person is willing to work thru it as much as you are.
It's amazing people actually stay together
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You just totally read my mind! This is exactly one of the things that's bugging me right now and I'm feeling the same way you described that you feel. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I'm trying not to focus on what he isn't saying and focus on what he is doing instead, which is spending time with me on the phone and playing scrabble online, etc. If he didn't like me, he wouldn't have spent 2 1/2 hours with me on the phone last night
so just because he didn't say things that he usually says, doesn't mean his feelings have changed, right? That helped a lot! I think one thing I'm going to really have to work on is being ok with stating what I need and want out of the relationship. I have tended to set my needs aside and focus solely on meeting the other persons needs. I know that there are times that the other persons needs must come first because of the circumstances of life but I do need to give myself permission to ask for what I want and need too. It's a hard thing for me to do cause I'm used to helping people and not expecting or asking for the same in return.2. Guys can sometimes be clueless about the romantic things that are important to us women. Again, in this area I have tried to be honest with him. "We haven't been on a nice date in awhile and I really need one" or whatever. The first conversation like that we had, I think he was totally shocked, because he just didn't realize that I was bothered by what was coming across as apathy. He didn't feel apathetic, and he didn't mean to come across that way, our expectations were just different. These are things you just have to work through and learn about each other.
Hope that helps.
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RobinRedbreast
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That was a very good ramble and pretty much sums up what I think
It's true, and I too have struggled muchly in my life with the trust part
I've destroyed relationships with a lack of it, but I've learned from my mistakes and while I can't always guarentee my trust is 100% unwaivering in every instant (I'm simply not that stable), I at least have learned well enough to talk about it before it becomes an issue so that my partner is prepared for the future when I may not always be as stable from moment to moment.Chasing the intensity will keep a person single for life, I hope he one day figures that out. You don't need to be overwhelmed by love to have love and to know you have it
My husband wrote on my early-birthday card yesterday that he knows he doesn't always show his love as much as I show mine, but that he loves me more than he could ever say or write. I believe it
And I believe it without him having to tell me, though I absolutely adore when he does cute little things like that 
I see so many couples get to the "I need to hear you SAY it" stage. Love just isn't that narrow. We often miss many of the ways it presents, which leads many people to believe love is gone, when it actually has simply changed from time to time into something equal though different
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Thanks for your post MG! You're right, so much of it is about trust!!! I especially like the part of your post that I quoted aboveLove just isn't that narrow. We often miss many of the ways it presents, which leads many people to believe love is gone, when it actually has simply changed from time to time into something equal though different
I think we do rely to much, or I should say, I rely to much, on words instead of paying more attention to actions. I think, no - I KNOW - actions speak louder than words...so I need to trust the actions too and not just listen for the words
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latteda
You're not my nemesis
Me, too. That is really hard for me and something I'm still learning. It is extremely frustrating for the other person when they know you have needs, and they would like to meet them, but they don't know what those needs are or how to meet them. Does that make sense?
I see so many couples get to the "I need to hear you SAY it" stage. Love just isn't that narrow. We often miss many of the ways it presents, which leads many people to believe love is gone, when it actually has simply changed from time to time into something equal though different
Yeah, very true. Different people demonstrate love in much different ways, and you have to learn to recognize how your partner expresses care for you. If you start to have negative thoughts, you can counteract them by reminding yourself of the good things that he has done for you to show you that he cares. But, yes, there are times to let your needs be known...everyone should do that sometimes...just do it sensitively and not toooooo often.I think we do rely to much, or I should say, I rely to much, on words instead of paying more attention to actions. I think, no - I KNOW - actions speak louder than words...so I need to trust the actions too and not just listen for the words
Also, I think in most relationships one person tends to be more demonstrative than the other. There's nothing wrong with that. If you're the demonstrative type, don't be too discouraged if the other person can't keep up. For some it takes much more effort than for others.
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ido
Adios
Thanks for your post MG! You're right, so much of it is about trust!!! I especially like the part of your post that I quoted above
Where does words of affirmation rank for you in Love Languages? I am guessing it's pretty high - so maybe the way you can combat feeling unsure/insecure is to view his actions as words in motion. Does that make sense?
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wallaby
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i need words...when im dating someone i keep a collection of the most loving things theyve ever said and read over them when im wondering where they are and what theyre doing and need some encouragement from them. IMing and emailing are practically requirements for people i date so theres no lack of words to choose from. and theres physical letters, or things i remember from phone/in person conversations. and videos/sound clips. you get the picture...
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Yep! Makes total sense. I'm just not good at knowing at what point in the relationship is it ok to ask for what I need?
Yeah - that's a good point to remember
Words of affirmation tied at the top of the list with physical touch - so those two love languages are uber important for me. And yes, your suggestion made sense and I'm going to work on looking at things that way - thanks
Wow! Words are important to you and I think journaling things that is a good idea
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