dumb & dirty & lies

Been made to feel so cheap, dirty & nasty.


hide away all my tears of shame.



don't know how to get through this, life sucks sometimes.

got so afraid of people, of being me...and now this.....

...this thing, creeps upon me...I hate being this way.....

just hate the way I am. Need to change, be someone different.

why, oh why, oh why do I get like this ??

Sorry......I'm rambling......aint easy talking bout things.....

Just really needing to say what's been hidden in my heart for a long time & not doing a very good job of it.

I'm hurting so much & don't know how to deal with it, so it aint a problem any more.

I got abused real bad & feel bad and think I am bad.

Got into hurting myself too; feel so ashamed about that. Need to cry but nothing happens. Feel numb inside, like a big iceberg.

Feel totally shut off inside. Lost my baby through rape & violence too...my precious Baby.

Sorry if this upsets anyone. Don't mean for that at all.
I'm wanting to be rid of these awful feelings. Hope you understand.

Don't read on if you're upset.

Keep safe. I'm trying too....

I get moments when I find life really hard and the memories/feelings cause me such pain. Get so depressed. Don't want to lose hope like I did in the past.

Used to feel angry towards my Abusers but knew I needed to forgive. Been doing that.

I've made lots of mistakes because of how I felt about myself and having low self-esteen. I get fearful at times and want to be free.

I get so up and down emotionally, just like on a roller-coaster at times.

Pray God sorts me out. thanks

Just don't know how long I can go on feeling like this.

I've never seen a Counsellor. Find it hard to open up and trust, thought coming here would be a good, first step?

I'm not sure if I could face talking about what's inside every week. Find it easier just to mention how I am when it happens. Buried things for so long, got used to it - then wham, I fall flat on my face and need some advice on coping - just like today.

The rest of the time I try to deny it ever happened - but doing that doesn't seem to be working anymore.
For some reason I thought I was recovered without having to have Counselling - I blocked things out so well and learnt to live with the effects of it. Thought I'd gotten over it. Even though the effects are disabling at times. Then for no reason at all I get tearful, down etc and denying my past isn't working.

I tried to get help from a church leader and got involved with them for a few years. I was told to forget the abuse and I'd be OK.If I lived a life of giving to others and serving this Christian Community I would automatically be healed by God over time. I "escaped" as my whole life was being controlled by this place. I lived with them in a community house and had to give up all my money etc. I got so screwed up and confused. It was scary to leave as I thought I'd let God down if I did. No radio, no TV, endless Christian meetings. But gosh, endless attention of how much I was needed and loved and every thing I wanted to do had to be checked out first. Seemed OK the friendliness and caring at first but then I felt trapped by it. Visits to family were only allowed if it didn't clash with something the Community was doing...life with them is another story.....

so I learnt to think that I would get over the past by helping & loving others & leaving it to God, hence how I am so confused as to why I'm still like I am
and why I've never seen a Counsellor.

Hi again,

Thanks for your support. I'm really grateful.

Already today, for the first time in ages I feel at peace talking about it. Guess it's the right thing to do and I'm beleiving God bought me here.

You mentioned spiritual abuse. Seems you could be right there. I had to try and get over so much false guilt with them and was quite confused over living the Christian way. It was just like ,when I left I had to start all over with God again. Something I'm still learning to do.

The trust issue is something that is real hard for me but not impossible. Already after asking for prayer I'm feeling more positive.

I'm needing the Lord to give me the courage to seek out a Counsellor which after talking with you I can see I would benefit from. Do they have to be Christian? Just wondering re the spiritual abuse issue? I suppose Christian would be better. Need God to guide me here as to who to go to.What about on-line Counselling?

Thanks for all you help. I really do feel better knowing I don't face this alone. Today is a better day. But I need Jesus to free me from the fear of the future - again a trust issue.

Regarding it being a Cult I don't know. There's divided opinion on that. They operate here in the UK as The Jesus Army. Have you heard about them?

Thanks again Fishstix - I'll get back to you with how I'm doing.

Blessings
Gentle-Heart

Hi again

Thanks for reply Debi. I'm so sorry what you went through but really glad you found hope & strength in Jesus.

You are so right in what you say. Sometimes the truth needs to reach me on my feelings level from my head. So I keep reminding myself of who I am in Jesus when the enemy would bring negative thoughts to me. Which I battled with on my first post here. Feeling Dirty, Dumb etc.

Of course not true. But I was really struggling then.

Been much better since the Lord bought me here. I don't feel so alone with it all.

One side-effect of the abuse, if I can call it that is severe depression. And later on after a really violent Marriage it developed much worse and I got psychotic and suicidal.

Eventually I divorced and was diagnosed with Schizo-Affective Disorder. Not the schizophrenia with Bi-Polar but schizophrenia with depression.

I sought help as I said from a church leader but that Community didn't help long term.And I left.

Several years later I sought refuge in a Baptist Church but was "abandoned" when admitted to Psychiatric Hospital.

My then Husband who was a Christian was attending this Church with me and getting help for his sexual addiction, seeing Prostitutes, having Affairs etc.Really awful.

It was heart-breaking. I couldn't cope after waiting 5 years for him to change and put away this lifestyle. It all got too much for me and I attempted suicide many times. It wasn't just the unfaithfulness, it was the violence, the verbal abuse that knocked every ounce of self-esteem in me.

So I was "sectioned" and in Hospital for a very long time. A lonely, distressing experience.But what hurt the most was I received no visits, no get well cards from Church. It was an evangelical,charismatic, baptist Church. OK I reasoned maybe they don't like these places but I cried for Christian support and didn't get any.I just longed to have someone pray with me when I had my better, more lucid days. But it didn't happen. I clung onto Jesus like a limpet and to this day He has never let me go.

I went into staffed Care Homes on release from Hospital and during this time we divorced. I have not seen any of my Christian friends from Church from when I was first admitted to Hospital. That was in 1996.And I haven't had any Christian friends since.

I haven't been to a Church at all since then. I'm too scared of rejection. I've been hurt so much by comments of ignorant Christians who are well-meaning, but don't know the full facts about Mental Illness.Which were said to me during the time before I went into Hospital.I doubt very much I'll have the courage to go to a Church again.

To be honest I don't want to. I've had enough of put-downs, and saying I haven't enough faith, I'm hiding sin. That sort of thing.Yes, it's been a long, hard, lonely road. Still is but we have to move on and keep looking to Jesus. I know I have forgiven them for their misunderstanding so the hurt, the pain can be healed.

With recently having Internet access the Lord answered prayer and bought me here. So good to fellowship, find support, prayer etc I drink it in & thank God for all of you.

It feels safer here than going to an outside Church. If anything "bad" happens then I can quietly slip away, unnoticed. But be so sad for me though that.

Hope all is well with you Debi.And of course Fishstix.

Oh, and Mr Cheese thanks for the hug. Bless you.

I'll be back later,
Gentle-Heart

Debi thankyou for mentioning about the Chapel. What a wonderful place to go to, to rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.
Stained glass is so beautiful.

I'm in need of sleep. Tiredness is not helping me to cope with negative thoughts that I have been battling with today. This afternoon was particulary bad. I rang the CMHT and found talking to them helped to calm me. Then with being more relaxed I could focus on Jesus better. Such a relief to feel myself becoming more calm and less anxious as I had an awful headache. Being more relaxed meant it didn't last as long.

Bless you so much for all the kindness you have shown to me -
Much peace
Gentle-Heart

Thanks for your prayers Fishstix.

By the way where did you get your info on Jesus Army?

Sorry cant type much today. I'm suffering RSI symptoms in my right hand and wrist. Thats repetitive strain injury due to being on computer using mouse. I'm using my left hand at the moment.Appreciate prayer for pain and swelling to go down and full recovery.

Facing homelessness at the moment as LandLord is selling. Getting help from CPN etc with that. So feel better to find a counsellor when I'm not under this other stress. talking about other distressing issues and facing having to move home I don't think is wise.So I'm leaving it all with the Lords timing and asking His peace.

Meanwhile I'll keep popping back here to offer my prayers and receive support when needed.

Much peace to you, I'm praying about your job interview. See my reply in your thread on that.
God bless
Gentle-Heart

Hi again,

Been feeling down on and off as I couldn't get on Computer due to pain in my wrist.
Do use Mousemat with gel pad for wrist Fishstix but my posture was wrong which explained other aches. Am going to get my Computer work area changed. And my wrist is much better than it was, just a bit sore.Going to make sure I take regular breaks. I was spending too much time on Computer in one go.

Though during the down times I prayed and sought the Lord then felt His peace and my mood lifted.

Again as soon as I felt down did the same. Been doing this for a couple of days and this evening, after a stressful day;( had a panic attack but got it under control.) must admit I now feel quite peaceful and relaxed, but tired with all the "fighting" - spiritual & mental. I'm resting in the Lord to recover and He has calmed and quieted my soul, so all that stress I can feel being washed away.

Appreciate prayer so much.

Been thinking Fishstix about a Counsellor. Though I face a house move and didn't think I would cope with underlying issues that bought me here & a move as well. I'm going to pray and not shut the door in my mind about that. As if the Lord opens the door to a Counsellor, they could help me cope with stress of moving as I share the other things. And I don't know when move will be. LandLord has to give 2 months notice when this place is sold. Though has been alot of interest already.

Please pray the right Buyer comes along and the eventual move goes smoothly. That God will provide a House with Garden, minimum of 2 Bedrooms & I get to keep my pet dog, who really is a "support" dog due to my anxiety/agorophobia, and is a real asset/blessing in helping my recovery when I go out.
2 Bedrooms minimum ( 3 is preferable as Mum can stay as well as christian student ) the third one want to use for the Lord, as a free space for Bible College Students who train locally for Christian ministry.Garden will be therapeutic to grow own veg/flowers & want to use it as a quiet place for others to come, fellowship/pray/relax.

Facing house move hasn't been easy, especially with all the people coming in to view. Could refuse that but If I was in that situation I would appreciate Tenant(s) letting me view. Makes it easier to decide if place is right for you if you see inside.

Debi & Eddi4Him thanks for your support to.

Debi it's fine if you've been busy with someone else - good you can help them.We're all here for each other.

The Lord gave me this verse today -
"But thou ,O Lord, art a shield for me:my glory & the lifter up of mine head" Psalm 3 verse 3

Just really spoke to my heart of how God shields me from harm and lifts me up, so I have no need to feel worthless anymore - but that I am His precious Child and so special. Gave me a beautiful warm, safe feeling inside.

I'm gonna keep on finding out who I am in Jesus and use that when the enemy comes against me with his lies.Pray I stay strong & keep doing that. As I've not been too good with that all of the time.

Thanks, much peace, be back later,
Gentle-Heart