Drowning in this sea of sin.

[lala]

I've had a sexual past and have been trying my best to abstain from it. Recently, I stumbled again and had sex with my mission trip leader. Now, both of us are on the verge of being dismiss from the mission trip and many other stuff. I've been going through lotsa bumpy rides as a Christian and I feel all drained out right now. I seriously need guidance. I seriously need to know what exactly is my calling for Him.

 

[LynneClomina]

I've had a sexual past and have been trying my best to abstain from it. Recently, I stumbled again and had sex with my mission trip leader. Now, both of us are on the verge of being dismiss from the mission trip and many other stuff. I've been going through lotsa bumpy rides as a Christian and I feel all drained out right now. I seriously need guidance. I seriously need to know what exactly is my calling for Him.

hi lala!

stumbles happen, and they bring consequences. but you can choose to get down about it, or to repent, grow and learn from it and depend all the harder on Christ's strength and not your own.

how long have you been a christian? when i was a new christian, i fell a few times. since then, i've been tempted but havent fallen, and i credit Jesus for it, becuase the times i DID fall proved to me that I, in and of MYSELF, couldnt keep myself on the straight and narrow. HE had to keep me there. you know what i mean?

whatever happens about your mission trip, trust God for His plans in how it winds up, and then TRUST that the results are for your best. almost certainly one of you will have to move on... and your leader, being a leader, has the more responisibility before God than you - you are responsible for you, be a leader is responsible for themselves AND those in their care - and are accountalbe to God for it, too. but whether you are or arent dismissed, TRUST GOd that His will is being done.

ps. 103
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

micah 7
18 Who is a God like You, Pardoning iniquity And passing over the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He does not retain His anger forever, Because He delights in mercy.
19 He will again have compassion on us, And will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins Into the depths of the sea.

hebrews 8
10 For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the Lord: I will put My laws in their mind and write them on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 11 None of them shall teach his neighbor, and none his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' for all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them. 12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.

be blessed, hun.

 

[lala]

Thanks Lynne. I'm quite a new Christian but right from the start, I've already been through a lot. Even my friend, who's a 6 years old Christian, thinks so too.

I've been stumbling and falling and picking myself up but as each time goes by, I find myself getting more and more tired of all these and has even sunk into depression. Right now, I am very suicidal and I really don't know what to do.

I feel bad that I've dragged my mission trip leader down. I mean, nothing would have happened if I just kept my mouth shut and not speak to anyone about it but the guilt inside me just won't let me live it down.

I'm not one who can conform easily and the tighter a person tries to hold on to me, the faster and further I'll run. I'm known to be a rebel everywhere I go. I'm just different. Now, my ministry head indicates that I might have to change my lifestyle, my group of friends, my dressing and stuff. I don't think I can handle that.

He also suggests that I cease contact with the leader and my ex-boyfriends. I find it ridiculous. I don't know how am I gonna follow through with that. Ever.

 

[Lee Fey]

Hey lala,

Well, I can't imagine how much you are going through. I just pulled through a time where I was extremely depressed, violently so. With Christ as my guide, I could never imagine killing myself, but I have no doubt that I would have seriously thought about had I not had Him. It sounds as if you are repentant. God will forgive, that is a fact. Call for Him to catch you as you are falling, like I did. He found me, He hugged me, and I have not gone far from Him since. Truly, this all sounds like a bunch of hoo ha, I know, and in no way can I describe better to you the love God will show you if you only ask for it. "Blessed are the mourning, for they will be comforted".

Truly, with God, you can pull through this. And I do believe that on the other side, you will transformed into an image closer to what God has in mind for all of us. Please, I will pray for you lala, and you should do the same: pray. Pray for comfort, and strength, and mercy. He will give it to you, I promise you, as He has promised all of us.

 

[lala]

Thanks Curtis.

I used to look at Him as a guide when my ex-boyfriend left me because I was a Christian. We were engaged and planning to get married. He pushed me into going back to Christ then subsequently, left me cos I was a Christian. But I never regretted my choice. I held on. Stayed firm and pulled through with Him constantly by my side.

Yet now, I feel so alone. I feel the need to go back onto my anti-depressants and to get my much needed sedatives. I feel so out of place in His home. I don't know what to do anymore.

Alienation. That's what I feel I'm going through.

 

[LynneClomina]

Thanks Lynne. I'm quite a new Christian but right from the start, I've already been through a lot. Even my friend, who's a 6 years old Christian, thinks so too.

my experience was the same, too. i had so much depression and suicidal feelings and it seemed like it never got any better. but what that often means is that God has plans to use you mightily in His kingdom. the devil don't waste time on small potatoes, y'know? if you have alot of struggle, it's because you have a lot of strength. God is in ultimate control - and if it were going to break you, God wouldnt allow it. He NEVER brings us more than we can bear in Him. so many times i thought i was going to wind up dead... but i never did. and i know now, i never will. but it took like forever to get to the point where i trusted that!

I've been stumbling and falling and picking myself up but as each time goes by, I find myself getting more and more tired of all these and has even sunk into depression. Right now, I am very suicidal and I really don't know what to do.

i hear ya. one minute at a time - and keep your eyes on Jesus every minute - a minute at a time. step by step.

I feel bad that I've dragged my mission trip leader down.

no, no, no. #1, he is responsible for his own behaviour, not you. and it is very important that things dont get slid under the rug.....

I mean, nothing would have happened if I just kept my mouth shut and not speak to anyone about it but the guilt inside me just won't let me live it down.

1 John 1:7 7 But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

i believe that this means that we need to keep all things "exposed" in the light of truth and scripture and honesty, and out of darkness, lies, and coverups. it brings fellowship with fellow believers... how close can you feel to someone if you are keeping secrets? being honest with your struggles (generally) paves the way to closer relationships with people and with God. and the enemy doesnt want that, so he brings condemnation to try to make us keep secrets, which keeps us from building up and encouraging each other, which makes us stronger and stronger....

I'm not one who can conform easily and the tighter a person tries to hold on to me, the faster and further I'll run.

but if you see someone you WANT to be like? do you strive to develope those qualities that they have that you want? dont do (whatever) just becuase someone tells you, investigate the why... and if its truly God-inspired, and you can recognize that, then you will be able to "conform"... to Jesus, not to others. ppl do tend to hold on to their expectations of others pretty tightly, eh?

I'm known to be a rebel everywhere I go. I'm just different.

and that can be a good thing! if you direct it toward God, you can be a powerful mover int the Kingdom of God. so examine yourself - are you rebelling against the evil in the world, and often stuff like ppls expectations, in favor of God's way, or are you rebelling against just about anything becuase you want to be you, for yourself? against good stuff, too? depends on who is living your life - you, or Jesus. if Jesus is truly our saviour, we are indebted to Him for our very life - every last breath, and we are to submit our everything to Him - our mind, will, emotions, spirit, body... when we understand what He saved us from, we want nothing for ourselves, and everything for Him. it's not a giving up of yourself to submit becuse people told you to submit to some tyrantical leader; its passionate love for the lover of our souls, the kind where someone tastes the food of another to see if it's poisoned becuase they would gladly die rather than see the person they love die.... it's being so overwhelmed by passion for Jesus that we give all to Him. if i rebel against something He wants for me, is that passionate love for Him?.... not really. so we need to strive for a greater and greater level of "death to self" and living unto Him alone.

Now, my ministry head indicates that I might have to change my lifestyle, my group of friends, my dressing and stuff. I don't think I can handle that.

is it your ministry head? or God? if your lifestyle is leading you into tempation, you, a bride of Christ, is that not being unfaithful to the one who loved you enought to give His life for you? if you lead others into temptation, are you not also leading into temptation people that Jesus also loved so much that He died for? are you being a stumbling block for them? the scriptures tell us that that is NOT a good thing! same thing for who you hang out with - do they tempt you? should you surround yourself with things that will take you away from your first love? how you dress - you are a married woman! do you dress for other men, or do you dress for the Lover of your soul, Jesus? conforming can be a good thing - if you are conforming to the image of Christ, and not the mere dictates of men.

He also suggests that I cease contact with the leader and my ex-boyfriends. I find it ridiculous. I don't know how am I gonna follow through with that. Ever.

ex's are walking temptation machines, so to speak. if you fell once, you can fall again. guard yourself, not for the sake of other's opinions, but becuase of the One who gave Himself so that you can be free of falling into sin all the time. it's your choice.



lynne

 

[Blessed-one]

hang in there lala. The thing is that you need to get back on your feet. Accept God has forgiven you and move on, but move on with your eyes on Him and lean on His strength so that you don't stumble again. Read scriptures, memorize them and constantly roll them over on your tongue when temptation comes. I find that a very helpful method. Think of how disappointed God will be, think of His anger, think of the consequence of pain and suffering after sinning... sometimes it takes one to focus on God's righteous anger to drive one from sinning.

 

[lala]

Thanks Lynne. Thanks Blessed-one.

I've decided to leave church for a while cos I feel a deep desire to be alone for a while. That guy is treating me like a complete stranger now and I feel really upset about it. I don't know if I'm meant for greater things but I'm gonna keep my eyes on Him from now forth. But still, I need a break from things and just be alone with Him. Just to hear from Him once again.

I know it's not a good idea to be unchurched. My fellow sisters and brothers have been trying to dissuade me from leaving, even though some said that they felt it might be for the better if it's only temporary.

My church camp just ended today and I'm still feeling so lost. I feel as if everything I do is wrong and I seriously feel that I'm a catalyst for catastrophe.

 

[I'ddie4him]

I hope that you find what you are looking for and that you start to feel some of God's love and compassion for you and that you can start new.
By this I mean that you can start fresh with your walk and it also helps when we are able to forgive ourselves. My life hasn't been a walk down the narrow path either, I have quite a colorful past myself. One other thought, Stay on your meds and Take Care.
And Smile, Cause God loves you even when it seems that no one else does.
That is something I have learned over the years and have always tried to remember.

 

[lala]

I hope that you find what you are looking for and that you start to feel some of God's love and compassion for you and that you can start new.
By this I mean that you can start fresh with your walk and it also helps when we are able to forgive ourselves. My life hasn't been a walk down the narrow path either, I have quite a colorful past myself. One other thought, Stay on your meds and Take Care.
And Smile, Cause God loves you even when it seems that no one else does.
That is something I have learned over the years and have always tried to remember.

Thanks. I'll try and forgive myself though it's getting increasingly tough. I'm now officially dismissed from the team and I'm still under restraining order to not speak to my leader.

It's very hurting when I'm constantly enquiring on his well-being through my other leaders, who knew about the incident, but they will always say things like you don't have to worry how he's feeling but the thing is I do.

How am I gonna get myself out of this never-ending down spiral?

 

[I'ddie4him]

I'm not really sure what to say here, I guess the only thing that I can say is just try to hang tough for a bit and I sure that things will somehow fall into place for the right reasons.

 

[lala]

I'm not really sure what to say here, I guess the only thing that I can say is just try to hang tough for a bit and I sure that things will somehow fall into place for the right reasons.

How long more will it take before my sanity decides to leave? I feel so lost and loneliness seems to be my best companion now. People whom I talk to about this issue are often people who can never identify with the situation and I find it increasingly hard to relate to them.

With isolation on my mind, I find myself closing in on my own little world.

 

[Lee Fey]

Lala,
I love you. We all do. Your Father in Heaven does. Please remember this. I know that we can't really relate to you. But God can. I know it sounds like a far cry, but He can, I stake my life on it. Please, stay with us. I can see that the world must seem very hopeless for you now. But you must see that God does love you more than any human could possibly love you. He knows exactly what your going through, even better than you do. I've gone through some extremely painful things, I know.
I've been to eight funerals, most of them family, and one of them a very close friend. I've been through relationshal problems that dwarf any pain I've ever been through. And through it all, God has been there. Don't you get it? I know your hurting. And yes, you're right, there isn't much any of us can do. But God can help. He always can. He's the only one you can go to now. So don't go into your own reality. Instead, go to Him.

 

[LynneClomina]

How long more will it take before my sanity decides to leave? I feel so lost and loneliness seems to be my best companion now. People whom I talk to about this issue are often people who can never identify with the situation and I find it increasingly hard to relate to them.

With isolation on my mind, I find myself closing in on my own little world.

lala, i know it is hard to do, but you have to keep fighting. do not close in; do the opposite and reach out. you have ppl here you can talk to. if this forum is too slow, feel free to pm me, and i'm sure others here will say the same thing. God is with you, trust that, He will keep you afloat.

 

[Blessed-one]

i don't know.. would trying another church help? join a bible study group or something..

 

[lala]

Thanks Curtis. Thanks Lynne.

I know He's out there. I heard Him speak to me today but a barrier of fear that things might repeat or that I might face condemnation is still present. The shame lingers on.

Blessed-one, I'm considering that possibility. I don't know. In a way, I'm really attached to this church of mine. It's the only church that I felt really connected to.

 

[bgandy]

lala, i have been a christian for 15 years and have struggled with sex, drugs, depression, suicide, alcohol, just about everything. i have been in and out of institutions of all kinds and i know im saved. just because you accept christ as savior doesnt mean you are going to be rid of all your vices. guilt and shame drove me to serious suicide attempts, before i started learning about how powerless i am in myself, that is in my own strength. he allows us to fall and hurt because he is trying to get us to rely on his power. its taken me many painful years to surrender. i continue to struggle with it at times. just remember his love for you is unconditional, he knew you were going to sin before you even did it. he loves you right now as much as he did the day he saved you. emotions have nothing to do with the truth. read romans 8:1 out loud every time satan comes at you with feelings and thoughts of guilt and shame. you are free. its all about throwing up the white flag. hang in there.

 

[lala]

lala, i have been a christian for 15 years and have struggled with sex, drugs, depression, suicide, alcohol, just about everything. i have been in and out of institutions of all kinds and i know im saved. just because you accept christ as savior doesnt mean you are going to be rid of all your vices. guilt and shame drove me to serious suicide attempts, before i started learning about how powerless i am in myself, that is in my own strength. he allows us to fall and hurt because he is trying to get us to rely on his power. its taken me many painful years to surrender. i continue to struggle with it at times. just remember his love for you is unconditional, he knew you were going to sin before you even did it. he loves you right now as much as he did the day he saved you. emotions have nothing to do with the truth. read romans 8:1 out loud every time satan comes at you with feelings and thoughts of guilt and shame. you are free. its all about throwing up the white flag. hang in there.

Will I ever be able to let go of this 'control' that I've so beautifully carved out for my own kind?

I'm so afraid of getting hurt, being inflicted with pain. I just so afraid and to me, the world is dark and sinister. I'm getting very cynical and very jaded about things around me. I feel that there's no way out. No way...

 

[I'ddie4him]

Hi lala, Things will get better and if you just trust in Him, Then it will all work out.

Read Mark Chap. 12 Verses 23-24, I am sure this will help. This puts it in words that we can all understand and take to heart.

 

[Missy Baby]

Hang in there sweeti.