Down the road with questions

[MrOreo]

Well, it's been a bit since I've been on here, but I'm back. My girlfriend and I have been dating just over 7 months. Our dating right now is not the long term problem. Recently I have learned of my graduation date from college. I will be getting my bachelors in the fall of 2008. Following this, I started thinking about getting my masters degree. I found out it would take me until the summer of 2009 to get my masters (If all goes as planned) Now where does this leave me? At that point, my girl and I would be going out for 3 years at that point. She let me know that if I wanted to go for my masters, she supports it. She also said that we should separate after I get my bachelors because dating too long can be bad for a relationship. I feel like I have an ultimatum before me and she tells me to listen to God.

I can A. Get my bachelors I will have to get a job, and find a place to live on my own and not continue my college and ask her to marry me.

or B. Get my bachelors, separate from her, get my masters, and get back together with her.

She received this advice from her pastors wife. After consulting my dad he suggested getting married after getting my bachelors and getting my masters while I'm married. I feel like I wouldn't be focusing on her as much as I'd like to. And I really want to feel secure in a job so I really want my masters.

I am going to continue praying but any advice is great!

 

[ImperialPhantom]

That pastor's wife gave her possibly the worse advice possible. If your girlfriend is seriously considering that course of action, then dude, she's just not that interested anymore. At that point, she's ready to see other guys while you get your masters. Sorry dude, but that's how it looks to me.

 

[MrOreo]

That pastor's wife gave her possibly the worse advice possible. If your girlfriend is seriously considering that course of action, then dude, she's just not that interested anymore. At that point, she's ready to see other guys while you get your masters. Sorry dude, but that's how it looks to me.

Thanks, I have had advice from a few people that I trust that goes against what my girlfriend told me. I think she either mis interpreted what her pastors wife said, or something is completely wrong with her advice. I'm hoping for the misinterpretation. I talked to my dad, a Marriage Counselor, and he told me that longer period of dating brings a closer relationship. If you can last longer then you will know for sure that you can last in marriage.

He gave me an example of someone in the bible who had to wait to get married. Jacob in Genesis 29, had to wait 14 years to marry Rachel, Laban's daughter. I just really can't see how waiting 3 years of dating is any worse than waiting 2 years. What is one more year in the long run?

 

[Blank123]

yeah, i gotta say it sounds strange for someone to say that dating 'too long' is bad for the relationship, what constitutes too long anyhow? A relationship works because both people put that effort into making it work, it'll be the exact same after marriage as before in that regard Did she say why, aside from the advice she received of course, she believes it bad for the relationship to be dating that long?

Sounds like you two really need to sit down and talk this out. No its not fair for her to give you an ultimatum, but is it based on some deeper fear that the two of you may never marry? Find out where its really coming from before you make any decisions.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I'm going to take a wild guess that the pastor and his wife dated for a short time and married rather quickly - I'm guessing less than two years between dating and marriage. Because this is what personally worked for the pastor's wife, she is making the mistake of thinking that this is the best advice in general, for anyone's situation.

 

[RebornSinner]

Dating too long is never a bad thing. I can see how being engaged for an extended period of time would cause some issues. But you should really ask your g/f to weigh that advice she got with what God is telling her. She needs to pray and ask God to guide her, and give her wisdom and discernment. Same goes for you though too. Ask God to grant you insight into His plan and for the wisdom, and strength to act on it. Trust that God will work things out for the good for both of you. I know I do.

 

[Bunnymedic]

I dont know about all this....
The whole separating for a while deal sounds like bad news.
Theres no way I would want to separate from my boyfriend because we might date 'too long'.
It sounds like she wants to break up if you're not going to marry her before you get your Masters degree.
I may be wrong,but thats just the way it sounds.
I think you should really talk about this some more,as a couple.

 

[Assisi]

Hi MrOreo

My husband and I were dating and engaged for just over four years and as a married couple we have one of the strongest relationships of anyone I know (of approx the same age).
You can spend the next couple of years preparing really solidly for marriage:
1. We were able to spend our time going to many courses and retreats, and reading many books and devotionals together. We were ultra super mega prepared for marriage - this is a good thing to be.
2. It will be a sacrifice to remain pure, and to remain apart in other ways for the good of your future marriage BUT this sacrifice will give you a taste of married life. We are called to sacrifice our immediate desires and comforts for the good of our marriage our family and each other on a daily basis.
3. It takes 18 months for the initial feeling of love to wear down into everyday life. This feeling is boosted up again when you get engaged and get married. You will have ample opportunity to spend time together in everyday ordinary life. Time to be together when there's not something new and exciting every day. Picture a couple who get engaged at ten months and married at eighteen months - At six months into the marriage comes the first experience of everyday life as a couple. People start to feel that their relationship has 'lost' some of its spark, but the reality is that they have never had practice being together in this way. Trust me, you want practice for this, most people don't have problems because of this time frame - but it can mean the difference between a good marriage and a great marriage.
4. As a dating/engaged couple you will be able to be an example of purity to your peers which you could never be if you were married, you are able to serve God through academia and the church in a way that married people can't. You won't have to skip out on some ministries because of your obligations at home like you will sometimes need to when you are married.

Look at this as an opportunity to dedicate your lives to Christ, to prepare thoroughly for what he is calling you to do together, and to set down a firm and unshakable foundation for your marriage.

The only issue I think you may have with choosing a 3 year preparation for marriage is when to get engaged (officially). My husband and I were engaged to marry each other for three years before we made that public and bought a ring etc. We were then engaged officially for one year while we prepared the wedding. Honestly I found it very difficult not having a public statement of our intention to marry (we told our family of course) especially in the light of all the people who chose to live together. We had decided it was best to do it this way, but if I could go back I would have gotten officially engaged much sooner. I would carefully think about this, because an official engagement can and does change the way people treat you as a couple. There are advantages and disadvantages to both ways of doing it, and if it isn't emotionally hard to wait to make it public, then I still think it's the better way to go...

Good luck with your relationship! I hope that you and your girlfriend are able to work something out which works for you both.

 

[MrOreo]

Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate all the sides and information that you have put before me. I found out more on the situation why the pastors wife said what she said. Apparently she believes (some of it I can see if not treated properly), A couple should wait to date until a year before they want to get married. She said something about emotional attachments becoming too strong, which could cause problems, but I believe that a relationship needs to have the attachment to grow close, so we can grow together in a relationship. She also said that the physical barriers that we would have to face would be difficult in the long term. My girlfriend and I waited 6 months to even kiss on the lips. We have very strong boundaries and we wont kiss more than 5 seconds unless it's a special occasion such as 6 month/year anniversaries and valentines day. We also live about 200 miles from each other, so we are not facing a lot of issues on the physical side most couples do.

Overall, I don't believe in separating until a later time. No matter if it is good intentions or not, I don't think separation is a good idea at all. I don't even want separation as an option. We are trying to work things out together, but it is definitely going to take time.

Another issue I have been facing is she has not had the family support and structure that I have. She is much more insecure, and it shows. I had to learn with her how to Listen to her. This has been the biggest challenge in our relationship. The moment I don't listen to her emotions instead of trying to fix it, she feels like she has to defend herself. This causes her to feel insecure and she absolutely doesn't want that in our relationship. I have had trouble listening to her, because it is natural for me to just want to pick out the facts and put aside the emotions as most guys do. Any advice on the topic of listening would be great!

 

[angel7brokenheart]

It sounds like you enjoyed all of the relpief because it is what you wanted to hear. If you really wanted good advice you shold have had your fiancee write in as well. Your way allows only you to be heard

 

[California Dreamin']

I'm just going to echo everyone else here and say that the separation idea is BAD news. It sounds like you really want to get your Masters degree and if you have the opportunity to do so, go for it. If you don't, you will probably regret it later...

 

[white dove]

Well, it's been a bit since I've been on here, but I'm back. My girlfriend and I have been dating just over 7 months. Our dating right now is not the long term problem. Recently I have learned of my graduation date from college. I will be getting my bachelors in the fall of 2008. Following this, I started thinking about getting my masters degree. I found out it would take me until the summer of 2009 to get my masters (If all goes as planned) Now where does this leave me? At that point, my girl and I would be going out for 3 years at that point. She let me know that if I wanted to go for my masters, she supports it. She also said that we should separate after I get my bachelors because dating too long can be bad for a relationship. I feel like I have an ultimatum before me and she tells me to listen to God.

I can A. Get my bachelors I will have to get a job, and find a place to live on my own and not continue my college and ask her to marry me.

or B. Get my bachelors, separate from her, get my masters, and get back together with her.

She received this advice from her pastors wife. After consulting my dad he suggested getting married after getting my bachelors and getting my masters while I'm married. I feel like I wouldn't be focusing on her as much as I'd like to. And I really want to feel secure in a job so I really want my masters.

I am going to continue praying but any advice is great!

Which is most important to you? Building a relationship with her or going on and finishing your education (which will -apparently- only take you a year to complete?)


To sound tired & cliche (b/c I'm both right now), relationships are hard work. Sometimes, we are called to give it a rest in other areas and focus on our relationships... but in your case, you've only been dating for 7 months and your girlfriend already seems to think she will be dating you for the next 7 years. She also sounds like she is the type to need extra attention (I don't mean this in a bad way, just trying to be realistic - she sounds very sensitive) You have to figure out what you're willing to sacrifice and what you are willing to give to God. Hand it over to Him and see what He's got figured out.