Hi Legionwrex,
My heart goes totally out to you. And you deserve a lot more than a simple answer. Any Christian who is honest will let you know that we have all faced doubts during our lives. And sometimes we can go for years without finding the answer that we are looking for. That does not mean that the answers aren't there, it simply means that we can struggle, sometimes silently about something and without talking about the issue we end up burying it.
The difference in your life is that you are willing to face the issue head on. Not to get too technical there are different ways that people look at life and truth. As Christians we learn to see God working, at times invisible to everyone but Himself, within us and those around us. Yet there are so many who have absolutely no idea of God or even of His existence. For them, as you said, life is a sick joke played on mankind by the universe in which he lives.
One of the major issues for us as Christians is authenticity. Whenever we face the question of the reality of our beliefs, we tend to look at all the 'negative' ones. These are the beliefs that we know that we are suppose to believe but for some reason we simply aren't that sure about. And we have a choice about how we 'work' through them.
As you have done, in a very courageous way I might add, you have identified these issues very clearly. Many would simply bury them and try to pretend that they don't exist.
One aspect that I think underlays your questions is the matter of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in your life, along with a spiritual/rational conviction of His vibrant activity within you. The things that we think regeneration and sanctification 'should' look like.
One thing to think about is that while the gate unto salvation is narrow, only through belief in our Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ, once we are in Him it is up to Him to continue to live and work within us. This is His work of grace, the free giving of His life and righteousness for you and within you.
What this means is that in believing in Christ, God has taken away all of His condemnation against you. This is what happened when Christ died for your (and mine, and all other believers) sin. The slate has been completely wiped clean. And now God is actively creating your new life in Him.
This does not mean that we lose our awareness of sin, usually it means that we become even more aware of it. And when we see it we see it in terms of its being condemned. It tells us that of our selves there is no reason on our part that God should forgive us. But Jesus has taken away that condemnation. And God has forgiven and is forgiving us. He has done, and is doing the same for you.
Many times when we learn our memory verses we focus on a single verse outside of its immediate context. One of the most common ones against sin is , For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
But notice how it reads in context:
Romans 3:21-24,
"But now the righteousness of God apart form the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,"
now verse 24 continues from verse 23,
"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,"
and Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord"
This tells us that in regard to sin, we are sinners, yet we are sinners who have been redeemed, set free from sin, who by God's free gift of eternal life in Christ Jesus, have been made new.
But how do we know that God has indeed forgiven us? He has given us the 'earnest', the guarantee, that the Holy Spirit is at work in us.
I know that we like to see miraculous changes right away. Yet God starts only with a seed. In fact a very small seed, smaller than a grain of sand, a mustard seed. The mustard seed of faith. And it takes time for this seed to grow. And it will grow, in fact it is growing, and if you read Psalm 1 you will see that simply in delighting in understanding God's Word that seed will become a tree that will bring fruit, not right away, but in its time, its season.
Many times we might only see tiny hints that God is working in us, and many times we won't even notice it, the changes can be that small, so insignificant that we may ask, how could that have been God working in us? We can ask, maybe I'm just simply getting older or growing up a little. We might not even realize that God is at work. And this is important,
Many times God works when the pieces in our lives just don't fit. He works when we can't pray, when we think we can't believe, when we sin intentionally. In other words He is working within us to understand what the rest of the world faces every single minute of every single day.
In time the emptiness you feel will help you to find the love and compassion to help a lost and dying world. Because you know what it is like, and how miserable and hopeless it can be. (I know that now this is small comfort) But you are not hopeless, and God is working within you, otherwise you would not even be aware of these issues.
On our part we need to pray for you, that God will fill that emptiness, that you will know the joy that He brings into your life, and you will know the strength and courage that He provides. That you will find the true answers for the yearnings of your heart. That God's reality is so clear and so real in your life, that your knowledge of Him will be sure and constant, that in all your struggles, His grace, love, peace, mercy and joy will fill your heart, strengthening you each and every day.
I pray that God will give you the answers that you need.