Don't like my step-son. HELP!

[mom_to_angels]

I am new, here, and desperate! Quick senario: I came into our blended family with 2 girls (now 15 and 13). He came in with 1 boy (now 10). We have one boy together (now 4). The problem is his 10 year old.
In the 5 years that we have been a family, this child has looked us in the eye and lied, stolen over 60 items from everybody in the house but his father, and even physically hurt the other children. The worst was when he was riding his bike and intentionally hit his 1 year old brother. He struck him with such force that the baby spun up in the air, bounced off the pavement, and struck pavement again! After that, I will NOT leave this child alone with the others.
I don't trust this child. I don't feel safe around this child. I don't even like this child. It took quite a while, but I laid my cards on the table and told his father my feelings. It did nothing! He says it's all in the past and we need to move on. Everytime I turn around, "Dad" has left him alone with the other kids while I run a quick errand - even though I keep asking him not to leave this kid alone with the others.
The problem is exasperated by boy's parents. Mom thinks her child is just wonderful and would never do these things. Dad is starting to believe that the boy does this stuff, but doesn't act on it. We have been to 4 different therapists. But the child, I feel, is the one that needs therapy - not us as a couple.
It has gotten so I dread the days when we have him. (He goes to mom's for 2 days, then is at our house for 2 days.) This is ripping our family apart. Not only that, what kind of monster will we be unleashing into society if somebody doesn't help this kid???
I am DESPERATE and begging : HELP!!!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I am new, here, and desperate! Quick senario: I came into our blended family with 2 girls (now 15 and 13). He came in with 1 boy (now 10). We have one boy together (now 4). The problem is his 10 year old.
In the 5 years that we have been a family, this child has looked us in the eye and lied, stolen over 60 items from everybody in the house but his father, and even physically hurt the other children. The worst was when he was riding his bike and intentionally hit his 1 year old brother. He struck him with such force that the baby spun up in the air, bounced off the pavement, and struck pavement again! After that, I will NOT leave this child alone with the others.
I don't trust this child. I don't feel safe around this child. I don't even like this child. It took quite a while, but I laid my cards on the table and told his father my feelings. It did nothing! He says it's all in the past and we need to move on. Everytime I turn around, "Dad" has left him alone with the other kids while I run a quick errand - even though I keep asking him not to leave this kid alone with the others.
The problem is exasperated by boy's parents. Mom thinks her child is just wonderful and would never do these things. Dad is starting to believe that the boy does this stuff, but doesn't act on it. We have been to 4 different therapists. But the child, I feel, is the one that needs therapy - not us as a couple.
It has gotten so I dread the days when we have him. (He goes to mom's for 2 days, then is at our house for 2 days.) This is ripping our family apart. Not only that, what kind of monster will we be unleashing into society if somebody doesn't help this kid???
I am DESPERATE and begging : HELP!!!

If dad won't let the kid get counseling because he doesn't believe there is a problem then videotape it.

And the whole family or at least you and your husband will probably need counseling in order to best deal with the situation.

 

[Niffer]

As a child from a blended family of 5 kids, I understand the scenerio.
First of all, how is the discipline?? When he steals/lies/hurts, what are the punishments, if any?
He's 10, so taking away toys/games/computer time works pretty well..
By your post he seems to think he can "get away with" acting like a little horror..but it doesn't seem that any of the other kids have this issue, which is why I'm asking about discipline.

My other thought, is that young kids will act out because they desire attention. He's young, but not /that/ young. He may notice you don't like him, or don't spend the time/attention on him you do the other children (esp the 1 year old).
I'm not judging here - I'm sure it would be difficult to find that soft spot for him, espically after his horrid behaviour.
But he's also the only one moving back and forth to his Mum's...which means he probably feels that he's not really a part of your full-time family unit. You, Dad, the girls and the baby.
It's hard to feel left out when you're only 10 and foolishly thinking that by acting naughty he'll get the attention he craves...

It's hard to tell without really seeing him.

I hope it works out for you though.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[SharonL]

After raising 2 step children I can understand what you are going through. There is no easy answer. I got my step-son at age 4 - there was no mother interferance - she deserted her children. He would lie, steal, did badly in school, always trying to harm our younger children. The daughter was 7 - also had problems - the doctor said she wanted to be an only child - wow - how do you handle that.

We got called into counsel at school - they were ready to turn us over to child care because the daughter told them she only got to eat every other day - told our neighbors the same - we had neighbors bring us food before we knew why.

They are doing it for attention and no matter how much attention you give them, it never is enough or what they want. I've had 52 years of trying to fill the void the mother left - I receive no respect from either of them. We had a good home life and my daughter was in her teens before she knew that the other daughter was a half sister - there was no difference in the way they were treated.

It is a battle that some win - I never did. But you have to keep the other children safe and the only way to do it is to not leave them with him no matter what. It is not something that you can heal over night and may not be able to heal at all. Just don't beat yourself up over it - if the husband won't help - you have to work around it and protect the other children. It is a never ending battle without any benefits - a step mom or dad is the most thankless job in the world. Whatever you do - you will look like the bad guy.

Praying for you.

 

[Niffer]

It is a never ending battle without any benefits - a step mom or dad is the most thankless job in the world. Whatever you do - you will look like the bad guy.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible expierence with your step-children. My mother married my step-father only after a year of being divorced, to a man who wasn't horrible or abusive, just lazy.
When she married I was 12, my brother was 9 and my sister was 16.
He brought into the mix another 12 year old girl and a 15 year old boy.

Even though I'm his "step-child" I've never felt like it. He's my Father in every sense but biological and all of us (bro and sis) adore him.
He was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

I never thought of him as the 'bad guy' and I think we've given him enough thanks - it's not always as bleak as you made step-parenting out to be.

Peace,
- Niff

 

[Finn88]

Hey! It must be realy hard to deal with that kind of behaviour. Scary and stressfull, and i really do feel for your situation!

Try to put yourself in his shoes. Does he have other siblings on his mums side, or is he an only child there? I think niffer may have a point about him feeling like he dosn't really belong either place when he's moving back and forth all the time. Continuity is really important for kids especially when they are very young and am i right in thinking this has been the situation since he was five? How is communication with his mum? Is there anything he normally does there which you could emulate at your house to make him feel more at home? Does he have his own room at your house?

When he's with you he's one of a few kids so is (innapropriately) screaming out for attention. I imagine its pretty exhausting, but it is understandable! Remember, he is ONLY 10, he's just a wee boy! You could try spending some time just with him. Give him some one to one time, get to know him and how he's feeling. This might not work out the first time you try it but if he sees that you value him as a member of your family he's more likely to see you and your kids like they are part of his! Does he get one to one with his Dad? Its worth considering that this may be a factor as well. He's having to share HIS dad with all these other kids, thats really hard to deal with when your 10!

I hope that what I have said is helpfull and dosn't come across as critisism, and I pray that the situation improves. Your probably right that the boy would benefit from councelling too, but if your struggling to prove that there is a problem, dont give up hope of being able to improve it!

feona x

 

[homeofmew]

The answer is quite simple he doesn't like you or the other kids either.
Once one side starts liking the other side everything will end.
One way to try to get off on good terms with the kid is find out what he likes and spend a day with him, maybe only him and go to di, like a park, amusement park, whatever.

Sounds like he needs attention, especially with the bike incident, babies usually get a TON of attention, and the second to youngest, others may have issues with that.
Not surre the thought process behind it, hurting the baby would result in the parents being more protective of it. But this is 10 yr old logic here.

As for the theft, since there is other children now I think he's trying to "compete" for other toys or items. Sometimes kids just won't share that "cool new toy".

I am not sure if he has had this behavior or not, but this can happen with new marriages.

 

[lisah]

(He goes to mom's for 2 days, then is at our house for 2 days.)

That's so sad.
Sounds like he needs a real home, not shuffled between homes like that.
So sad.

Why is it set up that way?

 

[susie1979]

This isn't just the boy's problem. It the whole family problem. Ill share with u my situation. I come frm a father that abused me in every way possible and my mom let it happen. And I tried to hav a relationship with my parents caus I loved my mom bt now it happened to my son. He was having troubles dealing with the anger hurtind me and my other children. I didn't know what to do so I called social services they had me plc him in foster care for a bit to get him help. And im dealing with my issues frm the past and parenting classes. There has to be underline issues or maybe mental behavior health issues. And do u talk to ur husband about is son to where he can hear u? Caus he may feel u thtmat liking him can make it worse. Prayn for u!

 

[Grace51]

"My other thought, is that young kids will act out because they desire attention. He's young, but not /that/ young. He may notice you don't like him, or don't spend the time/attention on him you do the other children (esp the 1 year old).
I'm not judging here - I'm sure it would be difficult to find that soft spot for him, espically after his horrid behaviour.
But he's also the only one moving back and forth to his Mum's...which means he probably feels that he's not really a part of your full-time family unit. You, Dad, the girls and the baby.
It's hard to feel left out when you're only 10 and foolishly thinking that by acting naughty he'll get the attention he craves...

It's hard to tell without really seeing him.

I hope it works out for you though. "


i agree with above comment... i know how difficult it must be for you. and none of us know why he's acting this way... but sometimes when a stepkids feel their step parent dont like them or dont want to make effort to see him in the same way as other kids, this could cause resentment on their part. Again, not trying to judge, you should certainly keep your other kids safe, and if worst come to the worst, his mother might have to take him.

But i suggest while you are doing what i have said above, trying to do some soul searching through prayers, and ask God if you have a part to play in this. i mean for us christian, we should try to make an effort to bond with other step children like they are our own.

 

[Forgiven828]

Mom_to_angels
First I would like to say welcome to CF! I'm glad that you're here.

The first thing I would do is have him get a physical and make sure there are no medical issues and that he is healthy. Is he sleeping and eating well? That kind of thing.

Many others already noted the same thoughts that went through my head as I read your post. The part about him moving back and forth every 2 days has to be extremely stressful for him as well as you. It definitely seems he is craving attention.

Two things I would suggest apart from counseling which I think is most important for the family as a whole. First is to find out what is going on at his Moms house. Is the environment there stressful for him as well? Is he also in a situation there like at your home where he is the "non-constant"? How does Mom handle any behaviors that he exhibits there? Secondly, I would ask if he has a space and items (toys etc) of his own in your home. If there is something there that he feels is his, where he can feel special and loved. Even if he can't have a room that is his own maybe make up a play space for just him so that he feels this is his home also not just a place to visit.

Oh and one more thought. Try (this one is really hard) to ignore "bad" behavior and reward good behavior. Kids respond wonderfully to this. They want attention, so only give it to them in a positive way.

May God bless you and your family and lead you to the wisdom and strength that you need to move through this difficult time.