Don't know what to do..

[FindingaWay]

I've been cutting a lot the last couple of months. And, it helps - I know it's wrong, but, a lot of nights it's the only way I can calm down enough to sleep. A lot of things have gone wrong, and the little self confidence I had has been severely knocked.
But now my husband has found out. He was very angry, he shouted and raved a lot, and called me a loony.
Then last night I went to where I had hidden things.. and he had found them and taken them away. And, I suppose that is good really, but - I feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I;m afraid.. scared I'll get to a point where I really hurt myself. I just want to stop - I want to find myself again, I want to be normal, but everything hurts so much. I feel rejected and lonely, and I don't know where to turn.
I don't know why I'm typing all this - I just feel so hopeless right now. And putting words on paper - or on screen - helps somehow.
But I want so much to punish myself...

 

[BlessEwe]

You are not a loony, but a women who needs support and direction. Just like drugs and alcohol were my way to calm things down, cutting has been this way for you.
There are support groups and lots of help out there for you. There is Hope, and you are not alone even though this disease tries to isolate and make us feel we are the only one in the world with this.
I have found many online support groups: Look under Emotional Anonymous online meetings and support, I am sure there are groups and professional doctors who work with this as well.
Your husband doesn't understand and there are groups for him as well.

 

[FindingaWay]

I am having therapy.... doesn't seem to help, but I guess it takes time.
My husband doesn't do 'groups', or admitting to anyone that there is a problem. He thinks Christians don't need that kind of thing. I agree, in theory, but I do!
I bought another knife, I'll have to find a better hiding place.
At the moment I feel like giving up, I hate myself, and I am afraid of hurting people. I know in my head that God loves me and will take care of me, but it seems so unreal.
I just want someone I can talk to, someone who will listen and not condemn me. I don't talk any more, to anyone except my children. I'm afraid to open my mouth in case it all comes tumbling out and people see what a mess I am. I think he'd kill me if that happened. Not literally - but , I couldn't deal with his anger.
Ugh. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. But I have to keep going for the kids.

 

[icarusforde]

I am having therapy.... doesn't seem to help, but I guess it takes time.
My husband doesn't do 'groups', or admitting to anyone that there is a problem. He thinks Christians don't need that kind of thing. I agree, in theory, but I do!
I bought another knife, I'll have to find a better hiding place.
At the moment I feel like giving up, I hate myself, and I am afraid of hurting people. I know in my head that God loves me and will take care of me, but it seems so unreal.
I just want someone I can talk to, someone who will listen and not condemn me. I don't talk any more, to anyone except my children. I'm afraid to open my mouth in case it all comes tumbling out and people see what a mess I am. I think he'd kill me if that happened. Not literally - but , I couldn't deal with his anger.
Ugh. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. But I have to keep going for the kids.

Hey there....

You say you brought a new knife - here's something that would be really awesome to do. Take the knife, and chuck it in the trash, ok? Its hard, i know it will be, but its the best thing for you and your kids....

Never give up - never. God is always at your side - there is a song, you can see it HERE if you want, that states something really cool. The song is called Wrapped in Your Arms - its about being in God's hands, in His peace, His love, His forgiveness. And its true - i never thought i would be here. Not once. Now now, not never... But only cause of his grace, i am.

If you need to talk, openly, honestly, I'm here. The person above your last post, BlessEwe, is here. The rest of the recovery team - they are here for you. We, as a team, are here for you. We dont know your name, we dont know your circumstances. But we are here to talk, to help you through this, to help you start to recover if you want us to help.

And remember one thing when you feel like cutting - God loves you. You may feel its just empty words, but pray it out. 'God loves me, God loves me, God loves me'... Because He does. I promise you that.

God Bless,
Andrew

 

[BlessEwe]

I am having therapy.... doesn't seem to help, but I guess it takes time.
My husband doesn't do 'groups', or admitting to anyone that there is a problem. He thinks Christians don't need that kind of thing. I agree, in theory, but I do!
I bought another knife, I'll have to find a better hiding place.
At the moment I feel like giving up, I hate myself, and I am afraid of hurting people. I know in my head that God loves me and will take care of me, but it seems so unreal.
I just want someone I can talk to, someone who will listen and not condemn me. I don't talk any more, to anyone except my children. I'm afraid to open my mouth in case it all comes tumbling out and people see what a mess I am. I think he'd kill me if that happened. Not literally - but , I couldn't deal with his anger.
Ugh. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. But I have to keep going for the kids.

If you do nothing to help yourself, nothing will change.

So you bought a new knife, I agree with icarusforde Throw it away!

It is very normal for family members to deny that we have a problem ( especially if we are a christian) emotional Anonymous works the same way as Alcohol Anonymous. Just because your husband doesn't do groups, you do the groups. and perhaps you need to look into addiction groups as well, as I said there are many online ones

You buying a new knife is like a alcoholic/Drug addict buying our next fix Christian or not it is going to kill us, and the next time we use/cut is perhaps the last time we do see our loved ones. Or the path God really intended for us.

You have a choice now

Perhaps a online meeting or support group forum, they are out there>> Find some meetings here..Look to the left for the meeting schedule Step Chat - Welcome to Step Chat

Forum>>
Christian Recovery Social Network Discussion Forums - Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help/Support

Emotions Anonymous
The Twelve Steps of EA


1. We admitted we were powerless over our emotions — that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

[bubblefish]

Thinking of you Hun. Hate to hear it is so hard at the moment Miss talking to you!

I know you - you are an amazing woman - caring, kind, smart Don't give up. You can get through it.

If you ever need to talk I am always here Please don't forget that.

And I promise you that our letter and package is coming - I will definitely write it tonight at work