Don't get stuck and don't settle

[memoriesbymichelle]

Sure we all think we know ourselves a little better after finding ourselves single in these later years. Some of us make lists, and some of us refuse to settle.

I choose neither.

There are traits that I am more comfortable with in a man, but I am not going to try to fit some guy into a box of my making. I didn't do that the first time around so why should I now?

I also will not "settle" for someone that is not for me. It's not fair to me, and it is especially not fair to him.

What about you? Do you think you might be too much of a list maker or too afraid to settle for someone that might just be perfect for you?

 

[dayhiker]

I don't think I have a very long list of what I want in a woman. Basically she just has to want to namg out with me ... OK, a couple more things!

 

[Texas101]

I try to measure things on a continuum. At one end are the show stoppers. Moving to the middle are strong to weaker preferences. At the other end is the don't care either way. As long as there are no show stoppers and most of the stronger preferences are met I'll give them further consideration.

 

[LastSeven]

I guarantee if I had a chance to do it all over again I would be a lot more picky than I was.

 

[dayhiker]

Last ... that might be why I have no interest in getting married again.

 

[LastSeven]

I hear ya.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I guarantee if I had a chance to do it all over again I would be a lot more picky than I was.

just curious. By your avatar it has the marriage symbol saying you are married. Are you?

 

[LastSeven]

I am married, but not exactly happy. Turns out we have nothing in common. Who knew?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I am married, but not exactly happy. Turns out we have nothing in common. Who knew?

that's so sad to hear. Of course nothing we can say would change your situation.

 

[LastSeven]

That's the thing with making a commitment. God would never break his commitment to me, so I can't break my commitment to my wife either. For better or worse.

 

[dayhiker]

LastSeven ... Sorry to hear that about your marriage.

So I'm curious as to how old you are and how long you have been married?

 

[LastSeven]

42 and 18 years.

 

[dayhiker]

A nice long marriage.
How is your communication? Like could you have a talk, saying we don't have anything in common. I'd like to build a new dimension onto our relationship. Can we spend some time talking to find a new activity that we both would enjoy. Go out together to try it out and see if we can have fun doing it.

Could you two have a conversation something like that and then work on it together?

 

[LastSeven]

That's pretty much the conversation we've been having for the last few weeks. I know I can love her again if she makes an effort to be lovable, but if she continues to shut down the way she has then there is not much to love.

Every activity I suggest she rejects. White water rafting? No! Bike riding? No! Movie? No! Home workout? No! Hockey game? No! So I end up going out for wings with my buddies and hockey games with my daughter and bike riding by myself and then she complains that I spend more time with the dog than I do with her and accuses me of being unfaithful because why else would I be so concerned with my own appearance? sigh.

The fact is I'm getting older and I realize that I have to work harder than ever in order to stay healthy. Rather than be proud of me and support me she takes it as an insult because, according to her, by worrying about my own weight, I must be hinting her about hers. I'm not.

Anyway, I've convinced her to go out with me tonight. Dinner and a movie. I only pray we can have enjoyable conversation.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Oh I hope you do LastSeven! And maybe you could ask her to pick something instead of shooting down all your ideas. What would you like to do honey? kind of thing.

 

[dayhiker]

I prayed that you would have a good conversation on your date.

Does sound like your asking her to do things you are apt to be more interested in than she would be. Dinner and a movie does sound good to me ... do ask for her input on which movie to see tho.

An other thought is she active or sitting around? Wondering if she might be depressed? Is she engaged with people and things she is interested in? What are they?

 

[LastSeven]

When I ask her what she wants to do she has no answers. She doesn't like to do anything really other than go to the mall and talk on the phone. And this bugs me because before we got married she was eager to do everything with me. I realize now that wasn't real.

 

[dayhiker]

That is very common ... women doing what the guy wants to do while dating because that they just want to be with the guy they love. So its real, its where their emotions want them to be, but of course it doesn't tell the guy who she is. As much as some people like to say love will mean someone can do that forever. My observation is that that just isn't true for most people.

Ya, the mall and phone doesn't give you much to build on.

So I'm back to there is a need to find a new interest that you both can get into and do together. Like tracing your ancestry. Walking trails in your area. Geo-cashing. The trick of course is finding it.

Do you know what she likes to talk about on the phone?

 

[LastSeven]

She mostly uses Skype to talk to her family in Trinidad and they talk about other family members.

Apart from the fact that I'm finding it difficult to enjoy time with her, what's worse is that she gave her heart to Jesus when we first started dating, but I learned too late that she has no idea what that means.

She grew up in a home that was "Muslim" but not in practice, in name only. And I think this is part of the problem. Not that her childhood home was Muslim but that she believes labeling a home as being of a certain religion means something. One day after we married we had met some new friends and started talking. My wife explained that when we met she became Christian, so that she and I could both be of the same religion because "otherwise what would our children be?" as though they would come out of the womb with a mixture of religions running through their veins.

That's when I realized she thought our children would automatically be "Christian" because of their parents and she has no clue what it really means to be Christian. At the time we got married I was pretty weak in my faith so I never saw the importance of the signs, but now it's a real issue for me.

I've tried to talk to her about it but she is absolutely not interested. I study the scriptures and when I get excited about something I've learned I want to share it with somebody but she doesn't even look up from her computer screen. It's so discouraging that I can not even share my faith with her. Sigh.

Clearly, I rushed into this marriage. It was partially because after we had been dating for a year I needed to move to another city for work. Since we didn't want to lose each other we decided to marry and move together.

Anyway, I just realized this is the singles forum so let me just wrap this up with some advice to you singles out there. Don't do what I did!!!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks for sharing your story, and honestly we don't mind if you still want to post here. We are kind of laid back.