Well, I guess for you to understand my question, I have to explain the situation.
My mother is schizophrenic and has borderline personality disorder. Even without these mental illnesses, she's got a rather arrogant, abusive personality. It was not rare for her to take a plastic vaccumm extension, board, or anything else hard, and hit us repeatedly out of anger, calling it "spanking". We often resisted, and in doing so bloody noses and bruises were also not uncommon. I once even remember a time my sister peed her pants out of fear. And now as I'm older I still cannot trust to talk to her or have a relationship because of her mental illnesses. It is not rare for her to yell and swear, tell me she wishes I was dead during one of her episodes, and continue to be completely unreasonable sometime even in her time of "normalcy" when she's not going through an episode. Despite her horrible mistakes, she loves us. Perhaps maybe hard to believe, but she does. And I know this.
I also was molested at about 4 years old by my own grandfather, my dad's father. My dad did absolutely nothing to put the bastard in jail, and has remained completely indifferent to me my entire life. I've never been hugged, never heard the words "I love you", never even felt as if he loved me or was proud of me, and certainly have never spoken to him about anything personal that I was thinking or feeling, yet, we've always lived in the same house. This created in me a very strong desire to please him. Maybe if I was better, he would love me. This attitude and behaivor is evident in most all of my relationships with others.
I didn't have friends growing up. I never let anyone in. To love is to risk loss. I'd never let myself get hurt. If I didn't' let them in, I couldn't get hurt.
The abused become the abusers. I even struggled a lot with anger, lashing out at others, and even physically harming them. Struggle some with depression.
Normally I'm good with my past. I do not feel anger or hatred. But there are still times thinking back I catch tears rolling down my face.
Does this ever stop? Or is it something people hold with them their entire lives? I don't feel as if I'm completely controlled by it, but yes it still effects me in small behavioral ways. I do someday hope to rid myself of those small bheavioral issues.... but In rehabilitating abused dogs, I've "cured" many.. but something tells me they never truly forget. Even if I rid myself of those behavioral issues, will I still occasionally find a tear rolling down my cheek when thinking back?
My mother is schizophrenic and has borderline personality disorder. Even without these mental illnesses, she's got a rather arrogant, abusive personality. It was not rare for her to take a plastic vaccumm extension, board, or anything else hard, and hit us repeatedly out of anger, calling it "spanking". We often resisted, and in doing so bloody noses and bruises were also not uncommon. I once even remember a time my sister peed her pants out of fear. And now as I'm older I still cannot trust to talk to her or have a relationship because of her mental illnesses. It is not rare for her to yell and swear, tell me she wishes I was dead during one of her episodes, and continue to be completely unreasonable sometime even in her time of "normalcy" when she's not going through an episode. Despite her horrible mistakes, she loves us. Perhaps maybe hard to believe, but she does. And I know this.
I also was molested at about 4 years old by my own grandfather, my dad's father. My dad did absolutely nothing to put the bastard in jail, and has remained completely indifferent to me my entire life. I've never been hugged, never heard the words "I love you", never even felt as if he loved me or was proud of me, and certainly have never spoken to him about anything personal that I was thinking or feeling, yet, we've always lived in the same house. This created in me a very strong desire to please him. Maybe if I was better, he would love me. This attitude and behaivor is evident in most all of my relationships with others.
I didn't have friends growing up. I never let anyone in. To love is to risk loss. I'd never let myself get hurt. If I didn't' let them in, I couldn't get hurt.
The abused become the abusers. I even struggled a lot with anger, lashing out at others, and even physically harming them. Struggle some with depression.
Normally I'm good with my past. I do not feel anger or hatred. But there are still times thinking back I catch tears rolling down my face.
Does this ever stop? Or is it something people hold with them their entire lives? I don't feel as if I'm completely controlled by it, but yes it still effects me in small behavioral ways. I do someday hope to rid myself of those small bheavioral issues.... but In rehabilitating abused dogs, I've "cured" many.. but something tells me they never truly forget. Even if I rid myself of those behavioral issues, will I still occasionally find a tear rolling down my cheek when thinking back?
