Does divorce make people happy?

[sarah marie]

Are you considering divorce, because you are not happy in your marriage?
Have you recently counseled someone who is unhappily marriage to divorce?

Here's an article to read to counteract the "If I'm not happy, why stay?" myth: http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy.html

On a related note:

My husband's grandmother told me how her and her husband stayed happily married (she passed on just short of their 69th wedding anniversary). She said they stuck it through all the times they weren't happy and all the times they were less than fond of each other. They endured through all the ups and downs.

The beginning of our marriage was all downhill. I was beginning to wonder how much more we would have to endure after three years of pure misery. God pulled us through it. The trials we endured have glorified God and have become a testimony to God's faithfulness and the importance of the promises we made to Him. The vows were not to each other, they were to God.
What are you willing to endure to keep a promise made to God?

 

[Tami]

Divorce may make some people happier, like if they're getting the tar beat out of them every day. I believe it certainly doesn't make the children happier in most instances. My parents' divorce certainly didn't make me a happier child. I was very bitter growing up and was afraid if I married that I'd probably get divorced, too. I believe that people should try their hardest to stick it out and really get to know the person before you marry them. I've seen too many marriages break up just because the people never took the time to get to know each other first. I do think it's wise try to stick it out for the sake of the children even though that goes against the grain of what our society says. Divorce didn't do a thing to help me as a kid. It turned my world upside down and made my life miserable. Kids are not as resilient as we think they are. Even when there are no children involved, you still made vows to each other before God. We should honor those vows as much as it is in our power.

 

[bkg]

Divorce sucks. I'm less happy now than I was when married. Perhaps that's because I didnt' want the divorce? Or perhaps it's because I really love my wife? Or perhaps it's because I can look back now and really appreciate all of the amazing things about her and the amazing times we had, and I realize that the reasons for divorce were incredibly petty (on both of our sides).

I have yet to see a person TRULY happier after divorce.

 

[Svt4Him]

Makes some happier. My sister lives with us now, and if you hear her laugh, you can tell she's changed. And she has said herself she enjoys live now.

Now it's not easy, but she's doing much better.

 

[Archivist]

I don't think that you can generalize about a question such as this. I have a number of friends who were extremely happy following their divorces. I know other who were devastated. In some ways the fact that divorces are more readily available in America today is a good thing. I have two female friends who got out of abusive marriages--half a century ago thay would have been stuck in those situations.

 

[sarah marie]

Did anyone read the article?

 

[bkg]

Did anyone read the article?

Read it and agree. The problem these days, if I may generalize, is that we are an instant gratification society. We have no dedication to the future, just to now. I agree 100% with the comments that people will go through rough times and generally work them out for the better.

My ex said she didn't want to be unhappy the rest of her life. I don't blame her for that at all! The unfortunate issue with that thinking is that we, as a society of divorcers, think that tomorrow will be no better than today. And therefore, we must have married the wrong person... We look at the sliver in the other persons eyes and blame them for our marrital issues and personal unhappiness. Or we personify "the marriage" as though it's something outside of us as individuals (evidence by the use of "the marriage failed.... We didnt' fail, the marriage failed").

Anyway, the point is this: Marriage takes a lot of effort. It will have bad times, and often those times will last weeks or months. But we committed to God and to our spouse: "for better or for WORSE, 'til DEATH do us part." Seems to me that our society (especially my generation) would prefer to say "For better... 'til you **** me off do us part."

It's sad, really... We just have no concept of fixing anything in this "if it's broken, get a new one" society.

 

[LadyDJ]

Speaking as one of the happily divorced due to an abuse situation, I've learned over the years that if I can't be happy with who I am and like the person I see in the mirror, then no ring on my finger or lack thereof is going to change how happy/unhappy I am. Besides, if it weren't for my divorce from the ex...I'd probably have never found my way to accepting and loving the Lord.

(Note: I didn't read the article, my work computer "chooses" to firewall some of the most unexpected things)

 

[sarah marie]

The purpose of the thread was to discuss the article, so for those who have trouble with the link, here are two excerpts:


Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.2

The study's findings are consistent with other research demonstrating the powerful effects of marital commitment on marital happiness. A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together. They also help couples form happier bonds. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce. "In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage," notes research team member Scott Stanley.



Endnotes:
2. Spouses were asked to rate their overall marital happiness on a 7-point scale, with 1 being the least happy and 7 the most happy. Those who rated their marriage as a 1 or 2 were considered to be very unhappy in their marriages. Almost 8 out of 10 adults who rated their marriage as a 1 or 2 gave that same marriage a 5 or more when asked to rate their marriage five years later.

Maybe we can start there.

By the way, the question wasn't whether a person has a right to defend themselves by extracting themselves from a situation where they are in physical harm.

I have noted that there are many quick to recommend divorce, when the complaint is some form of unhappiness. While, we should not be surprised to hear this quickness to bail recommendation coming from the secular world, it's disturbing to hear it come from within the body of Christ.

 

[mpshiel]

I read the article - but I think the data just highlights the reasons people get divorced. Those who are still willing to work on things, or to stay together are saying that the relationship is more important than them individually, or rather that they are willing to negotiate. But you really need two people to do that. I know couples where they were intractable, they were unwilling to negotiate in the slightest. In fact after two marriages and divorces, one woman refuses to marry, and I can't really disagree. As she is, marriage may not be the best thing for her.

On the other side, I know plenty of "Good Christians" who may live together, but are not married. They may hate each other, live seperate lives in seperate parts of the house but are holding on "till death do us part." My grandparents are like that. When my grandfather went to the hospital his comment was, "Great, I'm tired of grandma's cooking." While her comment was, "He's not coming back, right?" (said with hope).

Yeah, it seems that divorce sucks, because you have to throw your previous life away and start over (with bleeding wounds) but for some people, that is better than staying in a dead or worse relationship.

 

[bkg]

I have noted that there are many quick to recommend divorce, when the complaint is some form of unhappiness. While, we should not be surprised to hear this quickness to bail recommendation coming from the secular world, it's disturbing to hear it come from within the body of Christ.

:golf clap: :golf clap:

We saw a "Christian" marriage counselor. He was also a youth or adult ministries pastor at a church I used to attend (but a professional shrink). He said after about 8 sessions; "You two come in here with the same problem every week. You'll never be happy together. You need to get a divorce."

***?!?! After 8 or 10 sessions he knew us well enough to say we'd never be happy together? Oh.. our issue? I wasn't able to communicate in a way she understood how much i love her. She wasn't able to communicate in a way that I understood how much she accepted and respected me. I have to forgive him, but I'm extremely, extremely unhappy with that person. So much for being a "Christian" who wants to save marriages, eh?

 

[sarah marie]

I'm sorry to say that your counselor was trying to help you from the secular view. God does amazing things that the secular world just cannot grasp. He breaths life into things that are dead.

 

[bkg]

I'm sorry to say that your counselor was trying to help you from the secular view. God does amazing things that the secular world just cannot grasp. He breaths life into things that are dead.

I agree. Sorry if my last post was a "vent"... just boggles the mind that Christian counsel so often violates the Word of God...