Doc's Latest Chuckles

[thecountrydoc]

Be sure to scroll down for the latest chuckle!


Today's Chuckles

1. Paddy Had An Accident
2. Paying Taxes

------------------------------

Paddy Had An Accident

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was Questioning
Paddy. "Did you not say, Paddy, at the scene of the
accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer."

Paddy responded, "Aye, an I'll be tellin' ye about that.
I had just loaded me favorite ol' mule, Bessie, into the.."

"I did not ask you for any details, the lawyer Interrupted.
Just answer the question. Did you not say, At the scene
of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Paddy said, "Aye, I had just got Bessie into da' pick-up
an I was drivin' down da' road to County Cork when ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's
Answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he
has to say about his favorite ol' mule, Bessie."

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Aye, as I was
tellin' ye, I had jus loaded Bessie, me favorite ol' mule,
into da' pick-up an was driving down da' highway to
County Cork, when dis Huge semi-truck an trailer ran da'
stop sign an smacked my truck right in da' side. I was
trown into a ditch an Bessie was trown into da' utter one.
I was hurtin' real bad an didn't want to move.

But, I could hear ol' Bessie moanin' an groanin'. I Knew
she was in turrible shape jus by her groanin'. Shortly
after dat da' Minnesota Highway Patrolman came upon
da' scene. He could ear ol' Bessie moanin' an groanin'
so he goes orr to her. After he look at her, an saw her
fatal condition, he take out his gun an shot her right
'tween da' eyes.

Den da' Patrolman he come across da' road, gun still
in hand, he look at me an say, "How are ye feelin'?''
"Now I ask ye Judge, what would Ye say?"

- from Ann F.

------------------------------

If you're not using your smile, you're like a man with a
million dollars in the bank and no checkbook. - Les Giblin

------------------------------

Paying Taxes

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS
auditor who had come to review his records. At one point
the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be
allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have
an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly
pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were
going to want cash."

- from ArcaMax Jokes
============================================
Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[thecountrydoc]

Valuing Mom

My three young children love to get up early and watch out the window for the garbage truck. They take great delight in watching the waste hauler empty the can, then work the lever that causes the truck to compact the trash.

On the morning of my thirty-fifth birthday, my husband said to the children with a smile, "Kids, do you know what makes today so special?"

It should have been no surprise to us when our five-year-old rushed past my outstretched arms to the window and replied, "It's garbage day!"

—Sheri B., Portage, Michigan, "Life in Our House," Christian Parenting Today (March/April 2000)
=====================================================
Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[Idol Breaker]

Let me know if you've heard this one.

Biochemist is talking to God.

"God, we don't need you any more. We can create life ourselves now."

"Oh really?" Replies God. "Show me."

The Biochemist reaches down and picks up a handful of dirt and starts to mold it into the shape of a man.

"Stop." God says.

"What's the matter?" Asks the Biochemist.

God replies. "Make your own dirt."

 

[brakelite]

Hey Doc, I used to know Paddy when he was growing up on the streets of New York. I remember he loved Broadway and had high hopes of being in vaudeville. He just loved to dance. He often told me of his ambition of tap-dancing one day in a broadway show and seeing his name in lights.

I lost touch with him over the years but bumped into him not long before he had that accident I think. I asked him if he ever made it into broadway, and whether he fulfilled his dreams of being a tap-dancer. "No," he sadly replied. "I just couldn't get da hang o' it. I kept fallin' in da sink".

 

[honorthesabbath]

Caution... They walk among us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk among us!***


*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

***They walk among us!!***

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They walk among us!!!!***

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had a 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.

***They walk among us! ***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot...

***They walk among us!!!!!***

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

***They walk among us!!!!!!***

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They walk among us!!!!!!! ***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

***They walk among us!!!!!!!!***

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, they walk among us !!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!

 

[honorthesabbath]

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?


For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

 

[honorthesabbath]

Al, Bill & Barrack in Heaven:


Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your
will that I did not serve And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I know I have sinned, and hope I
will be forgiven. I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope
no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at
my right.''

Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?"

He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."

 

[thecountrydoc]

Flying on Obama's private plane.

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Michelle added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-Pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

If you're one of those 56 million, pass this on!!!
========================================================
Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[thecountrydoc]

Today's Chuckles

1. Eye Exams
2. You Know You're in a Small Town When ...

------------------------------
Eye Exams

Eye-examination charts vary according to the manufacturer,
but one thing they have in common is that they don't spell
anything.

One day a patient came into my office for an
ophthalmological exam. I asked him to read the 20/40 line of
the eye chart, but obviously the letters FZBDE were mostly a
blur to him. Finally he ventured a guess.

"I can't pronounce his name," the man said, "but I think he
played football for Notre Dame."

Received from Ed.
------------------------------

The world is good-natured to people who are good natured.
-- William Makepeace Thackeray

------------------------------
You Know You're in a Small Town When ...

The city limits sign is printed on both sides of the same
post.

You plug in your electric razor in a motel and the street
lights dim.

The town square is actually a phone booth.

The sheriff, the deputy, and the street cop are all the same
person and can be seen on Wednesdays only.

The Walmart, the local grocery, and UPS all have the same
telephone number.

The local doctor, the veterinarian (same person) still makes
house calls.

Received from Steven Wells.
=================

Have a great day!
Doc

 

[honorthesabbath]

For some good fun--try singing along with Julus!! It's a blast!

YouTube - Julus La Rosa - Eh Cumpari

 

[djconklin]

Baggage
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained.
Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
---
Shopping
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
---
Bathroom
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"

 

[thecountrydoc]

OUT of the MOUTHS of BABES

Children's Grace

My friend Bob was trying to teach his daughter, Jenny, how to say grace before meals. After a few weeks of coaching, Bob decided Jenny was ready to say grace all by herself.

Jenny started out fine, thanking God for her mommy and daddy and brother and sister and for the rolls and the salad, etc. She ended with a big, "Thank you, God, for the spaghetti!" and lifted her head.

The tradition in Bob's house, though, was to end each prayer with "In Jesus' name, Amen." So Bob prompted Jenny, "In … "

At first, Jenny seemed confused. Then she proudly exclaimed, "In tomato sauce. Amen."

—Barbara J. Doll, Upper Saddle River, N.J. "Kids of the Kingdom," Christian Reader

Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[honorthesabbath]

YouTube - FILTHY HIPPIES EVERYWHERE! (Crowder Does UCBerkeley)

 

[honorthesabbath]

YouTube - Mugshot Fail

 

[honorthesabbath]

YouTube - Number of States Fail

 

[honorthesabbath]

YouTube - Singing Fail

 

[djconklin]

>YouTube - FILTHY HIPPIES EVERYWHERE! (Crowder Does UCBerkeley)

ROFL!

I loved the part about all that federal funding for specific ideas--NOT! Or the part about given the bias of the profs what else would you think? How about independently?

He could have gone to HS and gotten the same results.

Or, pull a Jay Leno and go out on the streets. "How many stars are there on the flag?" (picture showing it blowing in the wind) And the young lady says that its blowing around too much to count them!!!!

 

[honorthesabbath]

I love Crowders stuff. He comes out with a new video every Thursday on YouTube and PJTV>

 

[thecountrydoc]

FREE KITTENS

Little Mary had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It's President Obama.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.. "Kittens" Little Mary says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet." "What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "Democrats," says Little Mary.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, President. Obama called his Press Manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens. The next day, little Mary is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX News for some reason.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, President. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary. "Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Mary said, "They are all REPUBLICAN kittens." Taken by surprise, President Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Mary says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
=======================================================

Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[honorthesabbath]

Good one Doc!!!!!!!!!!! rofl