Do you think it's strange...

[Hope_0004]

That we aren't engaged?

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year, and I didn't think that I would be ready for marriage any time soon... but now I'm wondering if we're just playing around. He's 24 and I'm 23. I know we are young, and I get on to the very young around here all the time for jumping into the marriage relationship.

But lately, I've been having a hard time seeing him "go" at night... not sexually, just that I would like him to be around more... like in the morning, at dinner, more family stuff, etc... "married people" stuff. It's surprising the you-know-what out of me, but... it's happened.

Anyway, I was just wondering if you think it's strange that we haven't seriously talked marriage yet. I mean, he says "I want to marry you" "I want to have kids with you" "when we're married" etc., but it's all very abstract. And I've always been one for so-called long engagements too, like a year.

Was anyone proactive? I sure wouldn't want to rush things, but I do want him to know that I think of him as my partner and a potential husband... I don't know, just wondering what others' experiences were. I used to NEVER want to marry or have kids, so I'm just kinda freakin'!

 

[f U z ! o N]

nah i think you love him and finally realized he is the one for you.

 

[Hope_0004]

So should I tell him this or just let things happen naturally? I feel like he thinks we are so young... which we are, but at the same time, everyone around us our age is married and starting families... I don't want to be on the fast track, but I would like to know if he really does see us there in any way other than "the distance".

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

It doesn't sound to me like he is ready yet. When he is he will become more proactive, at least more than likely, in wanting to get married; and possibly even help planning the wedding. So many people say people are to young. Have heard it myself pleanty of times, and I'm younger. They don't know you! If they do then listen to their concerns, and if they are legitimate then think and pray about it. Otherwise, you are an adult. Once he's ready he'll start showing more signs! Feel free to PM me.

 

[MagicStar723]

So should I tell him this or just let things happen naturally? I feel like he thinks we are so young... which we are, but at the same time, everyone around us our age is married and starting families... I don't want to be on the fast track, but I would like to know if he really does see us there in any way other than "the distance".

You have to be careful how you go about this, you know how men get skeered! (lol) but I definitely think you should discuss it, after being together for a year I would think you would be comfortable enough together to talk about serious issues. Just be careful and don't rush it!

 

[invisiblebabe]

*laugh* Mark and I had a wedding date set, 18 days after we met...

 

[plum]

*laugh* Mark and I had a wedding date set, 18 days after we met...

well i wouldn't call THAT normal

anyway, Hope_004, I would say... be gentle with this subject. You could always ask him if he has any idea when you two will be married... or maybe ask him what he thinks about marriage. he sounds like he uses those abstract phrases already, so it shouldn't be too out of the blue i hope... but i do reccomend talking to him, just not expecting that one talk to have a wedding date at the end of it

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Don't have the conversation at an inconvenient time though, like a half hour lunch break from work or the 15 minutes between classes or what ever is in your life that is short and inconvenient Make an evening out of it, plan a long date-night together and just.. talk about it

~ ~

I totally agree w/ this! Make sure you aren't rushed! Very important. My bf and I have discussed this on a few different occations, but not on a half hour lunch break, more like at least 2 hours. Not to freak you out or anything....

 

[Leanna]

I think you're safe to bring it up, in a non confrontational way. I don't think its odd you haven't talked a lot about marriage after one year, if you asked me after 2 years then I might think it was strange. Sounds like its time to think more about it, you're not too young....

 

[Solitaire]

I don't think its odd that this hasn't come up.

However I really don't like how some people are insinuating that a woman is not allowed to discuss the future of a relationship with her partner for fear of scaring him. She is just a much a part of it as he is, and there is nothing wrong with her taking the initiative. If it turns out a guy does make for the door at the first sign of further committment, then obviously there are other major issues in the relationship.

Hope, I think it is a positive sign that he has already stated he intends to marry you, albeit in rather abstract terms. I'd say that a good discussion about where you guys are headed is in line. This doesn't mean that you're pressuring him ... its all about the two of you getting on the same page and at this point, maybe establishing a timeline for stuff to happen.

 

[Hope_0004]

Thanks for the advice so far, ladies (and one gentleman, I believe). I agree that it's okay for me to bring it up... but I think I'll sit on it for awhile and get comfortable with my own feelings about this before bringing it up. We had been having some problems at the 6/7 month time... just little things, but it made me shelf any ideas except for the "present", you know. Anyway, lately we have made a verbal commitment to always tell each other the truth, to work together, to share... and I just feel rejuvenated. I think I better give myself a little time to make sure it's not just an energy boost but the real thing... but I really think it is.

I just have this idea that the guy is supposed to bring this up, but my girlfriends who are married almost unanimously tell me that they actually brought up marriage. Do you all think that is accurate?

 

[Leanna]

Hmmmm..... I wasn't meaning that she shouldn't be confrontational to not "scare him" but just because this is a big decision and a big topic and man or woman this should be approached carefully.... that's all

 

[Solitaire]

Ah, Leanna I don't think I was talking about your post. Don't worry I agree whoever should tread carefully, but a woman should not have to conform to the stereotype of having to hide her feelings just for fear of scaring her man.

Hope, in response to your second question, my husband was the one who brought it up first for us (after we had been going out only weeks ... eek!). That's how we knew it was serious and where we were ultimately heading. However when it came to a serious time and starting to establish a timeline, I was the one who brought it up. However I did not have to say much, as it turned out that great minds think alike

 

[Hope_0004]

Thanks Leanna.

As I said, I think I'm going to sit on this for awhile... I'm not in a "rush" per se, just want to know that my feelings are ultimately requited.

I don't really need him to be my husband in the sense that I need someone to take care of me... that's already done (by me). I just want him to be there, to be an everyday presence in my life and to honestly live together... I just want him around most of the time.

 

[Inperfected]

The guy the girl, it doesn't really matter who bridges the idea of the topic, but allow him to show whether it's moving forward or not, ie proposing.

I specifically told my fiance that i would go out with him, but not witht he intent of marriage at that stage (i wanted to marry a guy like him, but wasn't 100% comfy about it) however then 3ish weeks later, i brought the topic up, then 1.5 months after he asked me out we were saying "i can't wait's" and 2.5 months, we were engaged. Rushed and probly too fast for most, but just touch on the idea, without pushing it too hard.

 

[InTheFlame]

Hope, when you do bring up the topic, maybe it's an idea to talk about stuff you two can do to work out if marriage is a good step for you? It sounds as though you're pretty sensible about this so I'm not saying 'be wary!!!!' ... but sometimes things move too fast between a couple working out that they'd LIKE to get married, and actually planning the big day, if you know what I mean? And if he's feeling unsure about the timing, it might be reassuring for him to know that you're wanting to tread carefully and not rush into anything...? Make sense?

 

[Hope_0004]

Thanks, InTheFlame. I agree. There are things that we both probably need to discuss before we move from "maybe" to "I do"... completely agree with that. For example, it kind of bothers me that he's never lived by himself... always with roommates and the like. I don't know why, but I just think someone should have that time in their life... maybe not. And I'd like to know that he feels he has dated enough... I know it is kind of a strange concept around here, as a lot of people only seem to date each other and then marry (and that's great, not knocking it) but I've dated several guys and want to make sure he feels like we are equally yolked in that department as well...

I'm not sure. And until I'm sure would never rush things. However, after ten months, I feel we should be either moving forward or completely aware that we're not? You know?

Thanks girls.

 

[Inperfected]

I totally understand what you mean hope

The things about living by himself, could be an issue or not... He could have just been saving money by living with others (you decide i have NO idea).

 

[Hope_0004]

Yeah, I know. I just kind of wonder... can he be alone? I think I may be nitpicking now.

 

[GingerMadison]

wow i totally know how you feel,and i am sorry that you are in so much suspense!
I would just sit down and spend some serious prayer time talking to God about how you feel. At the same time it wouldn't kill to drop a few hints here and there lol,but i'll leave creative ideas up to you. I'm prayin for ya girl!
Feel free to pm me and let me know what happens. Relationships are one of my favorite topics.