Do you get resentful?

[jazzbird]

I find myself really struggling with general feelings of resentment. I have a hard time hearing a woman who has never experienced a single miscarriage and hasn't had infertility issues talk about how "normal" miscarriage is, or worse, give me advice about it. It's hard to deal with people ignoring me because (I guess) my situation makes them uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. One of the most hurtful things is to be avoided when you need support the most. Is it so difficult to just ask "How are you feeling? Do you need anything right now?" instead of pretending like none of this has happened. I have a hard time listening to pregnant women complain about their aches and pains. I know it's not fair of me. I know pregnancy can be very uncomfortable, but I feel like saying, how can you complain when you are able to carry a baby to term. I can hardly stand thinking about all the crack addict moms, or even teenage mothers, who are blessed with babies. Why does God allow women who can't even take care of themselves to have a child? It's so unfair!! I even feel resentful when a married woman who isn't "ready" to have kids, has a pregnancy scare, and is all freaked out and worried about how bad it will be if she is pregnant. I know that is sooo wrong, and I don't mean to offend anyone who might fall into any of these categories. This is just how I am feeling right now. You can take my complaints with a grain of salt. I'm just hurting. I don't want to direct my negative feelings on other people who don't deserve it. I am thankful at least that in general I can feel happy for my friends who are pregnant or have babies. I am thankful that I can usually enjoy holding their children. But I am having a hard time dealing with some of these things. I guess I just needed a place to get that out.

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

You stated EXACTLY how i felt before i got pregnant this time. I was very resentful. Your feeling are normal. Im so sorry you expierenced another loss. I cant imagine.....

 

[Hisrosebud]

Jazzbird,
I am confused, missed a post somewhere---- did you just loose a baby? Since your attached parenting post???

Jane

 

[jazzbird]

Jazzbird,
I am confused, missed a post somewhere---- did you just loose a baby? Since your attached parenting post???

Jane

Yes, I'm sorry to be confusing. We found out last week that my current pregnancy isn't viable. Though I haven't started to miscarry this one yet, unless God intervenes with a miracles, we are losing our third one.

I have some threads posted in the parenting forum as a learning tool for me, but we don't have any children with us yet.

 

[Hisrosebud]

I am very sorry for you. Is this pregnancy a blighted ovum? My first one was a blighted ovum. I had to wait for the miscarriage to happen, it took a few weeks. I am truely very sorry for your loss.

I remember when I first got married, I really believed that I was going to get pregnant on my honeymoon. What a shocker that was. After only 2 months I went to my obgyn because I thought something was "wrong" with me. I had a baby at 19 without trying and here I was over 30 thinking I needed fertility help. They told me that I had to wait a full year..... they did test my husband just in case..... I got pregnant in the 11th month. It was a blighted ovum...

It is an absolutely terrible experience. Before walking through it I never thought so. I was one of those people who thought, "you can get pregnant again or there must have been something really wrong- so be thankful." Those thoughts never pass my mind anymore....

I got pregnant within 3 months, my son Caleb was diagnosed with microcephaly. After another year of trying; I got pregnant again. That baby was not a blighted ovum and at about 4 months gestation I started to bleed. Couldn't believe it. Saw her heartbeat. Still can not believe it. The miscarriage was more like a mini labor--and they wanted the baby for the lab to conduct tests....they really believed that I had a autoimmune disorder that my body was rejecting female babies---then before that test, I got pregnant with Hannah.

Sorry this is long---didn't mean to make this about me and my experience. It is odd how when you hear someone is loosing a baby you are brought back to that experience as if you are standing in it. I am really sorry about your loss. I wish I had words that could compfort but I know only too well how most well wishes sound cliche.


OH and it is not that you sounded confusing so don't apologize; I just wanted to make sure that you were the same person. Did you change your avatar? I am new to this computer stuff...

Jane

 

[Hisrosebud]

an oh Jazzybird,

about those feelings of resentment. Yes, I know what you mean. With my first miscarriage I was working for the Department of Social Services (welfare). I would watch unwanted pregnancy after unwanted pregnancy (ok there really wasn't that many but it FELT like it then) come in. The worse client that I wanted to kill was a mother who was rushing me to grant her medical for a late term abortion. She was 5 months pregnant. The doctors found a loophole to give her a late term abortion. She was addicted and already had (GET THIS) 11 children lost to the foster care system.

It was in those moments that I would look at God and say, "are you there? are you for real? what have I done to you, Lord"......

yet if you were to ask me, I would tell you that I truely believe that God is still in charge of life and death. He still decides who lives and who doesn't.

contradiction, right? That's why I had to really be careful. My next logic was that if God is in control and he is choosing not to give me a child then he must be angry with me or not love me....

and that is not true.

Sometimes I resign myself simply to "that is why you are God and I am not, because I don't know all the answers."

and to be honest with you, I feel a pull to go find children like those 11 and bring them into my arms of love. We believe that we have a call to foster and adopt those very types of children. I am not saying this is for you, so please don't hear that in between the lines. Adopting is not the same as wanting that very baby that was just taken from you...

I just think for us, it is ironic that we have that call, we experience difficult fertility issues, miscarriages and I was a foster child....
in those very places Jesus is going to build us up.

Love you, will pray if it is ok with you?

Jane

 

[jazzbird]

Jane, yes I did change my avatar recently.

I guess it would be considered a blighted ovum. At seven weeks there was only a little speck on the ultrasound. I know a blighted ovum means the sac is empty, so I'm not sure if that is what it is this time. On Tuesday we go back for another ultrasound - a week and a half since the last one. I know there is something you can apply to the cervix to get things going, so I think I'll ask about that. My others happened on their own, and I don't like this waiting. It is so horrible. I just want to get it over with. The waiting also puts me somewhat in denial. Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe everything is okay. I would like to start moving on.

Thank you for sharing. It helps to know that others know what I'm going through, even though I wouldn't wish the pain of a miscarriage on anyone. I am glad I am not alone, and I am sorry for everything that you have had to go through.

I totally hear what you are saying about the God stuff. I suppose most of us will question why and get angry that he allows so many children to be born into horrible environments. But, you are right; he is sovereign and he has a beautiful plan. This is not a chaotic mess, even if it sometimes seems like it when walking through it.

I think it is awesome that you are able to take children into your home, and interesting that you yourself experienced what these children you are helping experience. That is pretty cool.

Thanks for understanding and identifying with my circumstances.

 

[jazzbird]

And no, I wouldn't mind if you prayed for me. Thank you for asking.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

Jane, yes I did change my avatar recently.

I guess it would be considered a blighted ovum. At seven weeks there was only a little speck on the ultrasound. I know a blighted ovum means the sac is empty, so I'm not sure if that is what it is this time. On Tuesday we go back for another ultrasound - a week and a half since the last one. I know there is something you can apply to the cervix to get things going, so I think I'll ask about that. My others happened on their own, and I don't like this waiting. It is so horrible. I just want to get it over with. The waiting also puts me somewhat in denial. Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe everything is okay. I would like to start moving on.

Thank you for sharing. It helps to know that others know what I'm going through, even though I wouldn't wish the pain of a miscarriage on anyone. I am glad I am not alone, and I am sorry for everything that you have had to go through.

I totally hear what you are saying about the God stuff. I suppose most of us will question why and get angry that he allows so many children to be born into horrible environments. But, you are right; he is sovereign and he has a beautiful plan. This is not a chaotic mess, even if it sometimes seems like it when walking through it.

I think it is awesome that you are able to take children into your home, and interesting that you yourself experienced what these children you are helping experience. That is pretty cool.

Thanks for understanding and identifying with my circumstances.

I love you girl! I just love you! {((((((((jazz))))))))}

 

[Manders2]

I have felt resentful towards women who can have baby after baby after baby with out a care in the world. It makes me so mad!!! I hated seeing pregnant women and new mommies right after I lost Mikey. Now I am one of them with Tony and I always feel so bad...I know I deserve my baby boy Tony but so do most women who lose them. Whenever I see a women look at me I feel bad because I wonder if she is looking at me with resentment because she just lost her baby. Whenever I would look at women after I lost Mikey and see them pregnant or with a new baby I would always tell myself that maybe they lost a baby and this is that is there rainbow baby. (A rainbow baby is your first baby after a loss Tony is my rainbow baby...got that from my loss support group I talk on on the net) . Now I just feel resentment towards familys with 2 children knowing that should be us with Mikey and Tony. Especially if they are 2 years apart like Mikey and Tony are. I feel resentment towards people who give birth to a baby and have there baby here to show off. I hated the fact that I still had to give birth but yet I had no baby to prove that I was pregnant. I had the heartache, the aching arms, the emotional scar and the c-section scar but no baby to prove that I WAS and AM a Mommy. I just felt like people thought I was lying when I said I was pregnant because they didnt have a baby to see. I wasnt lying though they will see him when they get to Heaven!!!

 

[bexs390]

Oh my yes! I lost 2 babies and had 3 preemies. I used to hate to hear "it was for the best" "these things happen, you can always have another" and the endless list of other things people say. I will never know what it is like to carry a baby to term. To wish the baby would get out already. I don't begrudge the mothers who have "normal" pregnancies, I just hate to hear the words of wisdom coming from those who have never been thru the pain of miscarriage or prematurity. Until you have been told you lost the baby, or until you see your 4 lb baby hooked up to machines that make them breath, you can't truly imagine what it feels like.

 

[SetFreeOne]

I find myself really struggling with general feelings of resentment. I have a hard time hearing a woman who has never experienced a single miscarriage and hasn't had infertility issues talk about how "normal" miscarriage is, or worse, give me advice about it. It's hard to deal with people ignoring me because (I guess) my situation makes them uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. One of the most hurtful things is to be avoided when you need support the most. Is it so difficult to just ask "How are you feeling? Do you need anything right now?" instead of pretending like none of this has happened. I have a hard time listening to pregnant women complain about their aches and pains. I know it's not fair of me. I know pregnancy can be very uncomfortable, but I feel like saying, how can you complain when you are able to carry a baby to term. I can hardly stand thinking about all the crack addict moms, or even teenage mothers, who are blessed with babies. Why does God allow women who can't even take care of themselves to have a child? It's so unfair!! I even feel resentful when a married woman who isn't "ready" to have kids, has a pregnancy scare, and is all freaked out and worried about how bad it will be if she is pregnant. I know that is sooo wrong, and I don't mean to offend anyone who might fall into any of these categories. This is just how I am feeling right now. You can take my complaints with a grain of salt. I'm just hurting. I don't want to direct my negative feelings on other people who don't deserve it. I am thankful at least that in general I can feel happy for my friends who are pregnant or have babies. I am thankful that I can usually enjoy holding their children. But I am having a hard time dealing with some of these things. I guess I just needed a place to get that out.

I still feel resentment when I think of my husbands son and how he has every child his seed produced. Like when his girlfriend got pregnant both times abortion wasnt the first thing to cross his lips, like it was when his dad and I got pregnant with James. I still feel a bit of resentment toward the doctor for not telling me birth control lets women get pregnant then kills their babies, like it killed Carmen. And my mother, for telling me I shouldnt have mourned Carmen like I did, telling me that baby didnt belong here, on this earth. It still hurts a bit that I am just now mourning her, ten years later. Jesus takes those feelings, though, every time I give them to Him. And He helps me with the grief I feel for Carmen too. I know He healed my heart of the pain and guilt of aborting James. He is a wonderful Lord. Just cup your hands, put all your resentments in them, then pray the Lord take them, and toss your hands in the air. Its a physical manifestation of what you are doing on the inside each time you give your feelings to Him.

 

[SetFreeOne]

[font=Times New Roman, Times, serif][size=+2]
Just like a child[/size][/font]

To those who have been hurt, a little poem with a lot of hope.
[font=Times New Roman, Times, serif]
When I'm so broken,
Lost and hurting,
looking for somewhere
to run and hide.
Sometimes it hurts so bad,
it leaves me empty and sad.
And then I come to Him
just like a child.

When I'm dreaming
all those cherished things,
wishing I could have
what I desire.
Sometimes I yearn so deep,
and they wont come true it seems.
And then I run to Him
just like a child.

And He holds me,
just like a child.
He soothes away the pain,
and He fills me up inside.
And He gives me the strength
to go on again.
And He holds me
just like a child.


by Ivbnsetfree

Author's Comments:
"Have you ever experienced Gods embrace? I encourage you to run to Him just like a child."




[/font]

 

[InTheFlame]

I'm reading this thread with tears in my eyes. Not for my own loss so much as for you others... because I know what it's like. Maybe it's more a feeling of shared pain. Maybe God feels like this. I firmly believe he feels our pain and shares in it... cries when we cry, laugh when we laugh. What a huge amount of pain he must carry in his heart.

 

[bornagain-053184]

Sweetie i feel your pain and that is how i feel about it too. i have been told i cant have children since i was 15 iam now 21. mind u iam not in a relationship and iam not ready to have a baby but just knowing that i cant is hard enught. when i was 19 and in a seriouse relationship sexually with my partner Adam (hint this is b4 i became christian) i got pregnant it was a miracle to me *my thread about it all is my dearest little one ..on this thread* anywyas, i feel very resentful for the stress that he and his new gf had put me threw and that had lead to the misscaraige to be told i cant have children then to become pregnant was a HUGE miracle for me. and i was devestated to find out i lost the baby.now i find myself be angry towords ppl who have children who are not ready who can not afford to take care of this baby physically or finacially and just unwanted pregnancys and have abortions iam furriouse with this why is ppl who dont want children can have them and ppl who want to have them more then anything cant? i feel ur pain and fully understand you.

 

[Hisrosebud]

Bexs390-

Did you loose your preemie babies or are you still raising them?

Are you pregnant now? because you said,"to wish the baby to get out already."-
or were you referring to women who are waiting for their babies?

Jane

 

[bexs390]

I have 3 children. All 3 were born around 10 weeks premature. (Thank God they are healthy with only minor effects from their early arrival) My biggest baby was almost 5 lbs, my smallest came home from the NICU just under 4lbs. I also lost 2 baby girls at around 4 months. When I said "I will never know what it is like to carry a baby to term. To wish the baby would get out already" That is what I was talking about. I have heard so many woman talk about how tired they are of being pregnant. How they wish the baby will come already because it's past their due date. I had to have a total hysterectomy 3 years ago so I have no more chance of carrying a baby to term.

 

[dews]

I'm so sorry jazzbird. I have miscarriages too- 3 and also a stillbirth. It is so hard to watch the HCG go down when you are hoping for it to go up. It is also hard to watch other parents, married or unmarried, being rough with their kids in the mall or yelling at them. I used to think "they don't know how lucky they are". After I lost our first daughter, Leah (she was born at 24 weeks) the doctor did some testing to find out why I was miscarrying. It turns out that I had a septum dividing my uterus in half. After a sucessful surgery,we now have 3 beautiful kids- 2 girls and a boy. It was very hard and frusterating. I know how you feel. My prayers go out to you.

 

[Hisrosebud]

bexs390-

thankyou.
I know that for me, I wanted to feel labor without pitocin. My first son was 2 weeks late; I broke my waters and nothing. After being induced, I delivered a 9lbs, 12oz whopper. The second child; 2 weeks early (not really at 38 weeks)- again, broke my waters. nothing. After being induced delivered in less than 10 minutes my son Caleb.

The last baby, well at 41 weeks went breech. Why she turned that late, I don't know. At the stress test, her heart was going down. They did an epidural and tried to turn her. (you should have seen the bruises!) and then took her by c-section. I was being prepped for it as my husband and obgyn were watching the lunar eclipse start. she is the total eclipse of my heart.

anyway, always wondered what "real labor contractions" would be like. Of course nothing as serious as what you went through-- just sharing my thoughts.

we haven't totally decided we are done yet, although the closer I get to 40 the tireder I feel at the thought of getting pregnant again.

Jane

 

[Hisrosebud]

and oh-

if it helps any, I think that most of us complain, "i wish my baby would get out already" never really thought about the fact that people have been through what you have.

I know for me, it is because I am so anxious to meet my baby and want to see them already- that and in the last month they put on the most weight. With my first son, I had to lay down in the tub to pee because of the way he was sitting on my bladder. My feet were swollen- my body ached, I couldn't get good sleep because the belly was so huge and no matter what way I turned, and again, you just want to see your baby.

I can certainly say that if I get pregnant again, I will pay attention not to say that around anyone.

It is good to get a new perspective.

Jane