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do people with aspergers have trouble with love?

fairygailie

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is there a reason people with aspergers have difficulty committing to one person?

my son's friend seems to think life is nothing but one bit party and has trouble committing to someone who loves him with all her heart. it's very heartbreaking for her, to say the least. he loves her, but seems to have trouble not totally committing.

being good looking, extremely outgoing, and always happy has alot of girls liking him (i would imagine) and i'm wondering if he craves all that attention, which he would lose should he commit to one person. and why does he crave all that attention anyways? is he really very insecure? does he have a deep seated fear of rejection?

this person also has trouble with keeping a job also. it's like life has no rules and jobs are too confining.

he's a real cutie and as this incredible warmth, acceptance of others, and charisma about him, but then there are these other traits that i don't understand.

how is he ever gonna make it in life if he can't commit to anything and just wants to have fun all the time???
 

dayhiker

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Hi fairygailie,
Its hard to tell. quite a few of your comments about this guy as for the reason behind his actions. I think most of those things are personal to him. What his motivation is. Its not a trait that is central to AS.
Now some AS miss the clues that others are giving them. So he maybe not able to distinguish between those that like observing him in action .. his charismatic personally and carefree lifestyle and those that love really him. Ya, this will cause him a lot of problems in life if he doesn't learn to return love.
I'd say see if you can get him alone and ask him what he things about some of your observations. Don't do it in a confrontational way. But be bold and ask him. He's the one, if he knows himself, who can give you the real scoop.
 
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ToHoldNothing

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As an aspie, I can't say I have trouble with committment as I understand it. The bigger problem is that I'm in a long distance relationship, so part of the difficulty is still maintaining connection. I've taken to sending letters to try to consistently communicate my feelings. Which reminds me, I should be writing a letter right now, I haven't sent one in weeks, if only because I'm a cheapskate, even when it comes to stamps. To say aspies are less likely to get married or find a partner might be true, but that's not the same as saying they have problems understanding romance with time
 
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Sabertooth

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The person described in the OP sounds too socially fluent to have AS. Most of us desire intimacy, just like everyone else. The problem comes in the great difficulty in reading the object of our affection. I have been really interested in past girlfriends and came off as a "stalker" or was met with "I just want to be friends." Other times, it seemed like the girl might have been interested, but I couldn't be sure and was hesitant, based on previous misreads.

Finally, I stopped trying to "date" and decided to leave it in the Lord's hands. I still hung out with Christian singles to have something to do. From that, my [now DW] & I started growing closer to each other just from hanging out. We never went on an official just-the-two-of-us date until after we were married. We were pretty happily married in the earlier years, but she gradually started to get depression (apparently independently of my AS) until it got so bad that she refuses to even share a bedroom with me. If not for her medicine, she would have divorced me by now. Her medicine only makes her tolerate me and I am just as clueless what to do about that as when I was (so-called) "dating." I am committed to her, before the Lord, "...in sickness and in health, until death do us part," but should she ever decide to leave, I think I will limit my pool of possibilities to Christian Aspies... :sigh:
 
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ToHoldNothing

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Edit: So this only makes the conversation trickier in terms of Aspies affiliated with religions besides Xianity who still have ideas of "love", even if they are different from Xianity in other beliefs. Am I wrong?
 
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fairygailie

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thanks for answering. i appreciate. well, i don't know. i don't hang with the kid alot, because he's only 18. lol he's most def not christian tho. he's very sexually active and doesn't see anything wrong with it. :(

my son said he does have trouble understanding sarcasm, he doesn't know if your serious or joking.

anyways... even at 18, the kid has alot of growing up to do, and is in no rush. maybe he just has a very mild case of it. don't know.

thanks though! :)
 
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ToHoldNothing

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Not every Aspie is necessarily introverted completely, but they are more self focused, which could manifest in either generally egocentric behavior or simply being more withdrawn, like myself. From what your describing, it does seem like a case, but the severity is uncertain.
<staff edit>
 
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Sabertooth

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So this only makes the conversation trickier in terms of Aspies affiliated with religions besides Xianity that still have ideas of "love", am I wrong?
You exhibit a very unenlightened view of Christianity.

Jesus said that no one is able to see ("get," process) the Kingdom of God unless they are born again (John 3:3).
 
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ToHoldNothing

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That's a moot point in terms of love. Love in Christianity is not absolutely different from love in Buddhism except ontologically, for primary consideration. You love people because it has a reciprocal value and also because it is in human nature, regardless of if you believe you are created in God's image, or are a generation of karmic constituents, among other options.

I misspoke. I didn't say love was a bad thing, though the phrasing might communicate that idea. Love, imho, is something aspies find in different ways, so Xianity might be one of many ways an Aspie discovers how to express and follow through with feelings of love
 
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Sabertooth

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That's a moot point in terms of love. Love in Christianity is not absolutely different from love in Buddhism except ontologically, for primary consideration. You love people because it has a reciprocal value and also because it is in human nature, regardless of if you believe you are created in God's image, or are a generation of karmic constituents, among other options...
That is not the Biblical model of love, just a common, worldly, unenlightened one.
 
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Sabertooth

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Then the whole point of this is moot: you think you know what love is in and of itself, I approach love differently. Does that mean I don't love and only you and your ilk do? I find that hard to believe
I still don't know what love is. I know Love...
 
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C-Man

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Love for me can be broken down into three kinds.
The love for a parent, a brother, an aunt or uncle, any family, is easy and automatic for me. I do it without thinking. So it's pretty much the same as an NT for me.

The love of Jesus Christ for me and mine for Him is more difficult to quantify, but still automatic. Just don't ask me to explain it in words.

Now the love for someone else, the kind that may lead to marriage, largely eludes me. This is why I didn't have a single date in high school. :D Unless a lady is plain and direct with her feelings toward me -- which women seldom seem to be -- I will not pursue her for fear of rejection.

Hope that helps. :)
 
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Sabertooth

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You said it better than I did.

That is what I meant to say...

But once I got married, daily love for my wife was more automatic, just like the love for other family members, with the option of acting on romantic feelings. It is just the starting (or restarting, as the case may be) of such a relationship that seems to be the most difficult for me.
 
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ToHoldNothing

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I still don't know what love is. I know Love...

Love in the Platonic form sense? Then all you know are imitations of the original perfect form of love, which you only believe in by an axiom, nay, practically by faith in that you think it's the only way love makes sense, if it has a fixed identity beyond our using words to identify love.
 
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ToHoldNothing

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You said it better than I did.

That is what I meant to say...

But once I got married, daily love for my wife was more automatic, just like the love for other family members, with the option of acting on romantic feelings. It is just the starting (or restarting, as the case may be) of such a relationship that seems to be the most difficult for me.

So basically, Aspies might have more easy adjustment to love of family and friends, albeit justifying it differently. Aspies don't necessarily understand those feelings initially.

Love of a romantic sense is even more perplexing, so this would take more time to adjust and understand in some way through practice, etc.

And this agape esque love of Jesus you speak of would merely require a shift of perspective, one might say. But is every Aspie able to change their perspective so radically?
 
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ToHoldNothing

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When you start personifying concepts, you start going to excess, seems to me. Consciousness and personality do not embody concepts that require consciousness and personality to appreciate them. They exist in an interrelation with our consciousness and personality. I feel happy because I respond as such, not because I'm in conformity with some avatar of happiness, no more than I feel varying forms of love because I'm in communion in some way with the ultimate representation of love.

Like I said, Aspies can differ in many ways (like philosophies). Not all of us are even remotely outgoing and are more introverted. But like gay people, the stereotypical idea can color our understanding of it. Aspies might at the very least have problems understanding love in all its varied forms, but not necessarily in understanding love overall in some sense.
 
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