Do I need closure?

[Ginger34]

I hope this isn't too long...
I was married to my first husband for 4 years and we dated for 4 years prior, so we were together for 8 years total. We were young. He was the nicest person, until after we got married. I became a Christian about a year after we got married, he didn't. This caused problems for us, of course. He became verbally abusive, would make fun of me in front of his friends, would belittle me, etc. A few months before we split, he started coming home later in the evenings after work, would stay out late on the weekends, and when he did come home he seemed like he hated me. He would give me bad looks all the time, never laughed with me. We couldn't go anywhere unless he brought a friend with him. Eventually I got where I wouldn't go anywhere with him because of that. Every time I turned around someone would be at our house. We'd rent a movie and someone would show up to watch it with us. At first I didn't mind it but it became a every weekend thing. On 2 different occassions, out of the blue, he told me he could kill me and get away with it, this freaked me out. One evening he came in early from work (which shocked me) and told me he wanted a divorce. The rest is a very long story but he did divorce me. I found out he was cheating on me, even though he denied it but come on, I'm not stupid. Just a couple of weeks afterwards I called him and a woman answered the phone. He told me he was seeing her and to beat it all, she was his friend's ex wife and she was and him would see each other at his cousin's house WHILE me and him were still married! Him and his cousin worked together and would take turns carpooling.
So fast forward to today. It's been 6 years since we divorced, and I'm married to a great guy, we have our moments like everyone does, but we have great communication and appreciate each other and love each other very much. But for some reason, I will still think about my ex, and I even have dreams about him. He was my first love and I was his, so I know that's part of it. I remember that love me and my ex had before things went sour, which I'd never felt with anyone and it makes me feel bad cause I don't have that with my husband now. So I don't know if I'm needing closure from my 1st husband or if it's something else.

 

[yourinnervoice]

You will always compare any future relationships with your first one - That is inevitable. Only because it was YOUR FIRST and it becomes a benchmark. (Unfortunate, but true)

You do need closure. There is something that is still bridging you to the memories of him. There's nothing wrong with remembering the past - It's how much value you give you past. Don't live in the past, learn from it.

I pray you can find a way to move on and thank God for bringing you to where you are today!

 

[Ginger34]

I try not to compare but I don't think anyone can help that sometimes. My husband is a 360 from my ex which is GREAT. I have learned alot from it, much wiser now. I have always felt like everything I went through was God's plan to get me to where I am now. I have a wonderful husband who truly cares about me. Last thing I told my ex was "mark my word, one day this will come back to you cause God doesn't let the unjust get away with it. You can't get away with treating me like you did." I often wonder how his life has turned out since then and I don't know why I even care. I can't even begin to tell all the things my ex did, things he did and said were awful. I'm thankful we live in seperate states. One of the first things I did after the divorce, was getting annointed from a broken heart. That helped me more than anything. I felt The Holy Ghost leading me to do that. I felt I had let go of the pain from the divorce and I still feel that way but I can't help but think of some things about my ex, our marriage. I haven't spoken to him since we got divorced. We didn't have any kids which I'm very thankful about. Every time he'd mention it wanting a baby, I would think seriously about it and I would break down crying hysterically cause the Holy Ghost was on me so heavy NOT to have kids. It was like I couldn't do it even if I wanted to, now I know why.
Thank you for the help, I guess this is something I will have to deal with, after him being my first love. Like you said it's inevitable.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Its okay to leave the past in the dusty recesses of time. You are in the bright clear present where your life is much better now. Just be thankful the faded days are gone forever.

 

[deliciousBass]

This post makes me sad...

What did you do during your separation and after your divorce to heal? Did you go to counseling or group therapy or anything like that?

The fact that you actually posted your story on the forums is in itself (IIMHO anyway), a cry for help. So to answer your question: Yes, you do sound like you have some unresolved issues and need some closure.

 

[Ginger34]

Well, here's what happened. My ex came in one day from work early like I said. Standing in the kitchen he told me he wanted a divorce. In a way I had a feeling it was coming but didn't think it would either. We lived another state away from my family. He said he wanted a week to himself to sort things out and see if he'd miss me and how he really felt about me. I didn't want to but did it anyway. I went to my parents. Mind you, I didn't have a drivers license at this time and didn't drive. He took me to my parents and left me there, 8 hours away. 2 days later he called me and said he was going the next day to file for divorce and he did. I lost everything I had to him because he filed in another state and I couldn't do anything about it cause I was in another state. I couldn't get a lawyer... I never got any money, he took EVERYTHING, all the furniture, cars, even some of my artwork. My parents are poor people and couldn't help me. Everybody around me has always told me at least he's out of my life and I'd have more now than I had with him some day. It's not the fact of loosing it all, it's the fact that someone would do that to me.
So after he filed, we talked back and forth on the phone a few times to try and be civilized. I sent him a list of the things I wanted and my brother-in-law went and got it for me. No one would let me go with him though. He didn't send half the stuff I wanted that he agreed to. After me calling one day and the other woman answering the phone, he got very mean toward me and she did to. The divorce wasn't final at the time either. Our income tax refund came to me and he found out about it and he was all nice to me again and actually wanted me to send it to him so he could sign it...lol.. so I wrote him and told him what I thought. That other woman was snappy with me and actually sent me a letter with my letter ripped up and told me to frame that check and hang it on the wall, and I got mad and burned the check and took a pic of it and sent it to them and said "here's your precious check now hang this pic on YOUR wall". Might've been mean but oh well. I stopped talking to him altogether after that. I started staying with my sister alot and going to church as much as possible, talking to family, etc. Mainly just healing for the next few months. I started getting VERY lonely, not having a companion anymore to talk to or anything. I so much wanted to get on with my life. I wanted to find a "friend" and maybe eventually finding someone again to fall in love with. I sat down one night and wrote God a letter of what I was feeling and if it's meant for me to have someone again, I wanted someone who will treat me like a good husband should. It was very detail and heartfelt. I put it under my pillow and slept on it every night. 2 weeks after that I met my husband. So I've always felt God answered my prayer and my letter. We dated about 3 years before we got married. We took our time and did not rush into it. He'd been hurt badly before to.

 

[deliciousBass]

Hmm... so your divorce was less than amicable. It doesn't sound like you have any feelings for him... This solitary sentence really stood out:

It's not the fact of loosing it all, it's the fact that someone would do that to me.

That kind of disappointment is hard to overcome. I wonder if you carry the fear of that happening again? Anyway, I'm no psychologist, but I wouldn't say that your problem is really that severe. It sounds almost like you want vindication... or an apology. An acknowledgment of your suffering. Anything.

My biological father was very abusive to my mother and she left him 22 years ago and we lost all contact with him... when I was 15 or so, he out of the blue called my mom and apologized for being such an abusive husband. My mom has since told me that really helped her a lot and gave her some much needed closure.

Anyway, you might not ever get the same closure that my mom got.. but what do YOU think it would take to obtain it? This might be worth talking to a counselor about..

 

[Ginger34]

I doubt I'll ever get an apology or anything. I would like to know why he did the things he did. My mom said he hadn't grown up, he was wanting to have fun and didn't want to be married anymore. For the 4 years we dated we loved each other very much, our love was very passionate. Everything changed after we got married and I got baptized and saved. I guess you just can't live a life with a non-believer. When he took everything I had it hurt and made me mad cause those were MY things. But afterwards, I looked at it as being material things and it hurt me more knowing that someone I loved so much for so long could and would do that to me, just literally leave me like that. He never told me WHY, only that he didn't think he loved me anymore. I would like to know what made him fall out of love with me and do the things he did. That's what I want to know. The one thing he said that always stood out in my mind was when he said in the kitchen he wanted a divorce "I hope God forgives me for this."

 

[tryingtobeagain]

You need closure on why he did the things he did to you, not on your feelings for him. I hate to say this but you may never have that closure. There are some things in this world we may never understand but believe that God had a reason for it.

I've really wnated closure on why my husband pretended to be something that he wasn't in order to get me to marry him but I know I will never have the answers to that. I have come to terms with the fact that whatever I have gone through has made me into a stronger and better person so for whatever reason it had to be done. If you ever wnat to talk feel free to pm me.

 

[Ginger34]

It's like that's one part of my life that has this huge question mark. I can't understand how 2 people who loved each other as much as we did and all I did for him, how he could do what he did to me in the end. I have no answers why, because he never gave me any. So, ever since I've always wondered was it something I did or didn't do. There has to be reasons why he did that. I tried to get him to go to counseling with me or anything and he wouldn't. I did see a counselor a couple of times after he left me and she said it sounded like he was on drugs, because he had mood swings, etc. I know he told me once a guy he worked with offered him cocaine but he refused. I know I wasn't always the best person to live with, I got very sick once and became grouchy toward him. That was because I felt he didn't care about me, cause one night I was running a high fever and was alone, he was out at his uncle's house and didn't come in til nearly 3am. I was so sick, I was hallucinating, I had shingles and had to sleep on the couch for a month. Thankfully I called the ER and my doctor was on call, he told me what to do and it helped. During my sickness my ex acted like he couldn't stand to be around me. And when he first took me to the dr. he didn't say one word the whole way there. We didn't have insurance at that time. He didn't want me to go because of that. He didn't even go in with me, he sit in the car and waited on me. One time he had an accident at work and had part of his thumb cut off, I never left his side. I took care of him. I would clean it and bandage it up twice a day for him and did anything I could for him.
I love my husband today, it's just hard for me to love him THAT deeply like I did my first. I care for my husband, and would do anything I can for him but he rarely ever says he loves me, even though I know he does. I can't give him that deep of a love like I did my first. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. My husband is not a romantic person at all, I am. I would love to be very romantic with him but I can't, because I was like that with my first and look what happened.

 

[deliciousBass]

You do need closure but now I see that it's more than that... I don't believe that you have healed completely from your divorce. Which is understandable since he showed quite a lack of compassion throughout your marriage and from what you say, you were very kind and loyal to him. This is not unlike the children of alcoholic fathers - they tend to be loyal to a fault.

Now what bothers me is:

I can't give him that deep of a love like I did my first.

That's a trust issue and to be frank it sounds like you have a bit of love tucked away for someone else. Unless you do something about it, it will gnaw away and really start to affect your mind, body, and spirit...

Personally, I think your problem is more serious than you let it on to be. I really hope you do what you can to try and gain some understanding of your issues and get some help.

Something else I wanted to ask is are you and your husband having "problems"? Have you expressed to him that you would like for him to say "I love you" more often?

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I think Irv is right. I also think you need to let go of those feelings and focus on your relationship with your current husband. Really loving someone is about beign free to express yourself as you are naturally and being accepted in return. Don't hold yourself back because of what has happened in the past. Let go and let love happen.

 

[Ginger34]

I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and had surgery a couple of years ago. That is a VERY physical painful thing to have, my husband has Epilepsy and may be looking at surgery soon, we're just waiting on the doc. My illness has made it very hard for us to be intimate with each other. His illness, and all the meds he has to take is hard on him. He is so sleepy and drowsy and hardly ever feels good. I am finally getting better thanks to God and my parents for praying for me so much. BUT I can no longer take birth control and am always afraid of getting pregnant, we don't want kids. We have few disagreements, never fight. We sleep in seperate beds because he snores SOO bad and I'm a light sleeper. Since his meds had increased over a year ago I can't sleep with him cause he's got so much worse with his snoring and he knows it. I've tried using earplugs, they don't help. I'm thinking of talking to him this weekend about our intimate issues.

 

[Ginger34]

I use to tell him all the time he never says "I love you" to me but it never helped, so I don't do anymore and I've told him why, because it hurts when I say and I don't get a response. He always said that's just how he is. He told me yesterday he loved me though.

 

[DZoolander]

Loving someone in a dating relationship and loving someone as a spouse are two completely different things. Just because you thought you loved your first husband "like crazy" - and he may have thought the same thing - doesn't mean that you were meant to be together as mates.

Clearly that's true - as evidenced by what happened between you guys.

Why'd he turn into such a jerk? Who knows. Did your finding Christ play into it? Maybe. For the bulk of my life I was an atheist - and I found most Christians that I came across to be obnoxious beyond bearable...especially the "noobs". Heck - I'm not an atheist anymore - and I still find a lot of Christians I come across to be obnoxious in their need to espouse their faith to others.

If he hadn't found Christ - that may have played into it. Who knows.

...and to an extent - it really doesn't matter.

Anyhow - to be blunt - here's what I think you ought to consider.

1: Just because you feel passionately about someone does not mean you love them.
2: Just because you think you love someone does not mean that they are a suitable spouse/mate for you.
3: Just because you feel passionately and/or love someone does not mean that they love you the same way back.
4: Your wish that this relationship would have worked out due to how strongly you felt for him means absolutely nothing in the whole scheme of things. Obviously it was not meant to work out, despite how much you wished it would have. Your wish is a fantasy. Him being someone that tells you that he could "kill you at any moment and get away with it" is the reality. Ever heard the expression of "Wishes in one hand, **** in the other?" That's what it boils down to.

You want to know why he did those things? Because he's a scumbag. You want an apology? You might, or might not, be able to get it. Either way - you lose. If you get the apology - then you're stuck thinking about how the "love of your life may have refound his path"...and the feelings that will accompany that. If you don't get the apology - you're still left wanting.

"He was a scumbag" seems true enough - and should be sufficient.

With respect to your other issues - I'm not sure how to best advise you. This is mostly because I'm not 100% sure that you're going to stick with your current husband. If you can't take birth control, and you don't want children, the obvious choice is a vasectomy. However - I would never recommend that type of permanent solution to a guy unless I firmly believed that he was going to remain in that relationship for the rest of his life.

You have too many issues for me to feel comfortable with that idea. You're still harboring feelings of wondering why the "true love of your life" went wrong - how it might have been different - why it happened - and how he may have changed. None of those are good things...and all are potentially very destructive to your relationship.

When I think of the first girl I ever had a crush on/thought I loved - did it seem like the most intense feeling imaginable? Oh yes. It did. Did that feeling become sort of the bar by which all other loves have been measured? Yes.

But you know - that was YEARS ago...and she occupies about as much of my time/thoughts as my pets from years ago. I don't wonder what she's doing. I don't wonder who she's with. I don't wonder how she turned out. She's unimportant. She's a non-factor in my life. That's what it means to be over someone...and that doesn't sound like where you're at.

My best suggestion would be - if you want closure - go find a therapist. A therapist will help you achieve that goal far more than contemplating reconnecting with that guy.

Just my .02.

 

[Ginger34]

Thanks to all who have game me advice and took the time to read my posts and reply... I appreciate it... After ALOT of soul-searching and everything I know what my problem is now... Thank you