Do I have Rape me on my forehead? (trigger warning)

[Goobersmooch]

I was raped in Februrary last year and I suffered a long time afterwards. Well now My husbands nephew who is 3 years older than i am is frightening me. I feel so sure that one of these days he will force himself on me. My husband thinks im sensitive and it wont happen so i just know he will not make sure Scott is not alone in the house with me when im taking a nap. It started in April. Allen and i were saying that it would be impossible for me to get pregnant now because i would have to be off my bi-polar meds all together. the meds i have to take are so strong it would kill a fetus and it would be dangerous for me to be off the meds. PLUS, my diabetes is off the charts bad because i have not been on medicine for a year and a half. I do not control my diabetes by diet i just didnt have insurance. Anyways, after saying all of this and telling him we are okay about the idea we will never have our own baby but have decided to adopt a special needs child he out of the blue offered to get me pregnant?? (RED FLAGS!!!) Exscuse me Scott did you not just hear what we said? Plus oh my gosh his next sentence was it would have to be through sex. (memory came back to a long time ago when his wife told me they couldn't have kids because he had a low sperm count. she has a child from a previous marriage. keep that in mind.) his next line was i have super sperm(i hadnt even said anything about what she had said yet) I then immediatly said oh no you dont. Thats not what your ex-wife said. "Well she was the reason we couldnt have kids. She was just to embarrased to say so." (Uhmmm...yeah and Madi came from where?) Anyways, i told him no. The very next day Allen and I went to move his mom into a nursing home. When the ambulence took her away we were changing the locks and putting dead bolts in just in case the caregivers made duplicates of the keys. mom has a lot of valuables in there. anyways, allen asked me to call Scott to come over and help him. so i did. then i went to take a nap in my mothernlaws bedroom because i work 3rd shift. Scott comes in the bedroom while im sleeping and wakes me up. he says i was thinking maybe we should practice having sex so that i wont have a problem performing. uhmmm what part of no did he not understand? i immediatly popped up grabbed my glasses and because he was blocking the door told him i would think about it. i was so scared i did not know what to say to get out of there. i said i have to talk to Allen. i finally got out of there. he kept on and on about how he has fantasys at home and all this. at this point i wanted to leave. i asked him where allen was he said outside mowing the lawn. i went out there and told Allen I needed to go eat something so i wanted to leave. Later that afternoon since allen would not call Scott and tell him to leave me alone i decided to call him myself. i said "Scott we are not interested in the idea of getting me pregnant. i do not want to have sex with you please stop." He hung up and i avoided him for 2 monthes somehow. well he came over to put freon in my car and allen left to go to the store. Scott said can i come in and clean my hands. i need to clean out my van. i said okay. i was sitting at my computer when he sat at allens and played on it for a minute. then i could se eout of the corner of my eye he was staring at me. i think he was trying to get up the nerve to ask me to do something. i ignored him and he finally got up and went to clean his van out. i decided i was not going to bed or take a shower until he left. it was 1.5 hours later and i was so tired i went to be and he was still out there. ugh. nothing happened but he has acted so weird around me everytime. it scares me. he hangs up on me all the time. so i dont answer anymore when he calls and allen is not home. i juat pray nothing ever happens. im so paranoid now all the time and believe it or not there are only a few men in my life i trusted. (because of all the abuse i fear men.) Scott was one of them and so was my husband before he raped me. there is only one man left that i trust and that's my grandfather. he never has and never will hurt me. Oh well i also trust my pastor. he is the earth father i never had. other than that i dont trust anyone. I was in the er this week for heart problems. at one point it got so busy in there i was put in the middle of the hallway near the door where the ambulences come in. (Not by a wall in the middle of the room) i started having chest pains again and they came over to do an ekg. well there was a room across the hall where this old man was sitting on his bed staring at me while they were giving me an ekg. they did not cover me up and this man was staring at me like this was some peep show. i had to look away so as not to be more upset. i dont know if im just venting or need advice or what. im just tired of this happening. im not even good looking!!! Scotts now girlfriend is beautiful. she's older than he is by about 5 years and has grown children but she is pretty just the same. and thin! im not thin...so whats the big deal???

 

[vic74]

first of all, you should tell your husband what has been going on . you need to emphasize to him that you are scared of this man. he is harrassing you. making unwanted gestures to you.

don't ever be alone with this man.

and if your husband is too afraid to confront his cousin, then speak your mind while your husband and scott is in the same room together. that way the both of them know exactly how you feel about scott's unwanted behavior. it would bring on an awkard and yet necesary wedge between you and scott.

please be blessed and be careful.

 

[Goobersmooch]

Well i've told Allen about all of this. He knows all that has happened. He knows my fear and does not believe i have anything to be afraid of. now i was able to confront Scott on the phone and that one time with Allen present i was able to make it known both times no but to do this again i dont know if i have the courage. i am non confrontational but if the advances happen with Allen there i may nudge allen. they just dont seem to happen when he is around. I don't plan to purposely be alone with him-my fear is Allen has left him alone in the house before while i was asleep and i am afraid it will happen again. you see Scott will claim to be working on one of our computers while Allen will run up to the store or something alone. What if this happens when i am vulnerable?? ugh...you can tell Allen til he is blue in the face and he will never believe it. Men are all the same. Thank you for listening.

 

[Ramona]

Well i've told Allen about all of this. He knows all that has happened. He knows my fear and does not believe i have anything to be afraid of. now i was able to confront Scott on the phone and that one time with Allen present i was able to make it known both times no but to do this again i dont know if i have the courage. i am non confrontational but if the advances happen with Allen there i may nudge allen. they just dont seem to happen when he is around. I don't plan to purposely be alone with him-my fear is Allen has left him alone in the house before while i was asleep and i am afraid it will happen again. you see Scott will claim to be working on one of our computers while Allen will run up to the store or something alone. What if this happens when i am vulnerable?? ugh...you can tell Allen til he is blue in the face and he will never believe it. Men are all the same. Thank you for listening.

Ohh sweetie...my heart aches for you, truly. I'm not a professional, but in my experience the best thing to do if your family isn't being supportive enough is to get a trained therapist (preferably with a Master's degree) or psychiatrist (with an MD) and work with them. They can give you good advice on how to be assertive, how to communicate with your husband, and how to cope with the pain of your traumatic experience. I've found that when my therapist sat with my family during a joint session, things worked out better for all of us, and it helped us to understand each-other better. Perhaps you should invite your husband to sit with you during a therapy session. It could be very good for both of you.

Please remember this: freedom from intimidation, neglect, and abuse is NOT a privilege. It is a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. These terrible things haven't happened for any fault of your own. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. The first rule of recovery from rape and sexual abuse is that what happened is never the victim's fault.

I know the affects of abuse. I know how it robs you of everything you are and everything it means to be human. Please remember that you are a good person, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cared for, and you deserve to feel safe. No one has a right to take that away from you.

Don't be afraid to notify the deputies, sheriffs, or police force in your area if you are ever in immediate danger. It's not a sign of weakness to do this; it is a true display of inner strength.

I admire that you've reached out for help in this way. I think you're a hero for doing so.

May the peace of Jesus surround you,
Hallie

 

[Goobersmooch]

Thank you so much for that wonderful post. With all the stuff that was happening before my husband raped me it can not be completly his fault. I caused him so much pain and he was acting out. it was wrong but i will not let him take all that blame on his shoulders. I believe with my full heart he didnt know i was even saying no. im not saying this is the way it is with ANYONE else so please do not take this as such. i do believe the sexual abuse when i was growing up was all my dad's fault and that terrible babysitter. I know this will be upset people to hear me say this. I feel at peace with these thoughts. Allen had fault in it and i forgave him and he asked for forgiveness so i have let it go. i do have trust issues there still but I am building them back. no if Scott comes at me awake and alert i will kick him where it matters. I will make it clear he is not to touch me. My fear is when im asleep and not prepared to fight.

 

[Ramona]

Hello dear, would mind if I sent you a PM a little later tonight?

Hallie

 

[Goobersmooch]

I don't mind. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

[VioletLady]

Thank you so much for that wonderful post. With all the stuff that was happening before my husband raped me it can not be completly his fault. I caused him so much pain and he was acting out. it was wrong but i will not let him take all that blame on his shoulders. I believe with my full heart he didnt know i was even saying no. im not saying this is the way it is with ANYONE else so please do not take this as such. i do believe the sexual abuse when i was growing up was all my dad's fault and that terrible babysitter. I know this will be upset people to hear me say this. I feel at peace with these thoughts. Allen had fault in it and i forgave him and he asked for forgiveness so i have let it go. i do have trust issues there still but I am building them back. no if Scott comes at me awake and alert i will kick him where it matters. I will make it clear he is not to touch me. My fear is when im asleep and not prepared to fight.

How are you today? Thinking of you.

Big big hugs,

Violet xxxxxxx