Do I have grounds for Divorce.

[jacquidube]

I dont want to be with my husband anymore. We have been married for 6 years. We have one 5 year old child.

We sleep in separate rooms and have done for a long time (I dont like him touching me)

He never takes me out (3 times in 7 years).

Over 2 years ago he had affairs (Im not sure how many women) while I was pregnant. This started at the beginning of our relationship and lasted 4 years.

He has beat me for 4 years (that stopped over 2 years ago)

He doesnt take any notice of me and never invites me out or asks me to go to any rugby games.

He works full-time but I dont know how much he makes and I never see his wage slips, ever.

His visa runs out in September this year and then he will be entitled to a British citizenship.

I dont like him much but I hang on to the marriage even though we live separate lives.

I dont want to feel like a failure because my marriage failed and its all his fault.

Any advice please. I want to leave but I dont know how to.

 

[bill'swife]

yes

 

[ShainaBrina]

I'd say yes

 

[HuntingMan]

Adultery and abuse are absolutely grounds to leave the marriage.

 

[Adamantium]

Good heavens! Yes, you do have grounds. Please divorce him sooner rather than later. Please! No one should live like that.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Sis, talk to someone from Women's Aid. It's a British based charitable organisation for women in your situation. They can provide a safe house for you and your child once you make the decision to leave him. They have a free phone number and offer confidential advice.

From his first unrepentant act of adultery, you have grounds for divorce.

Do it before September and together with the abuse he may not be allowed to stay here too which may be peace of mind for you with such a hard decision.

Praying for you.....

 

[eatenbylocusts]

ave grounds for divorce.

Do it before September and together with the abuse he may not be allowed to stay here too which may be peace of mind for you with such a hard decision.

What about the relationship with his child? Is he a bad father too? This should be a major determinant with the timing of divorce. If there's any possibility that he could have a positive effect on your child, then don't divorce if it means he won't be able to stay. That doesn't mean you have to continue living with him.
I am curious; why are you ready to think of divorce now when he isn't beating you or cheating (as far as you know). Why did those things stop?

 

[deliciousBass]

Yes. 100% justified. I've seen your posts in the past as well. I think you will be surprised how much happier you will be after it's over. It's better to be happy and single than married and miserable.

 

[jacquidube]

What about the relationship with his child? Is he a bad father too? This should be a major determinant with the timing of divorce. If there's any possibility that he could have a positive effect on your child, then don't divorce if it means he won't be able to stay. That doesn't mean you have to continue living with him.
I am curious; why are you ready to think of divorce now when he isn't beating you or cheating (as far as you know). Why did those things stop?

He has a loving relationship with his daughter and it would break his heart to be a weekend dad. She adores him too and they are very close. I have thoughtabout her and wonder if she could be the reason to stop me divorcing him.

I am ready to think of divorce because he wont behave. He may not beat me anymore but he still flirts a hell of a lot even when I am with him. He stopped beating me when the social services got involved and he was afraid he would lose his right to stay in this country. So ideally he has to behave especially now its nearing the time for his visa to be renewed.

My husband ignores me and its not a fruitful relationship. He is a christian but he said that church is boring and only attends once a month if that.

A very close friend of mine (well she used to be my close friend) told me that she had seen my husband on many occassions with a particular woman at work. She didnt tell me for a while because she didnt want me upset but she knows his background. She describe the woman and she does work with my husband. She had seen them in an embrace many times outside. I confronted my husband and he denied it but he looked really guilty. He used to allow me to pick him up from work before that, now he wont. My close friend wont speak to me anymore as she was very upset with me because I didnt believe her. She said how come you have let him off again. Maybe I have, maybe I havent, thats why I am confused. He has told lies a few times these last few months. I dont know who to believe anymore. Im not here to keep an eye on my husband. He makes me unhappy but there is the issue of his relationship with his daughter.
My husbands father had an affair for 10 years and my husband saw him with her even in bed. So maybe this has affected him and thinks what he does is normal. There I go again making excuses for him.

 

[deliciousBass]

So you are staying together for the kid? That's a really bad reason IMO. I think once she gets older, she will see how he treats you and she's going to model what type of man she will want to be with in the future after him. Which is terrible since he sounds like an abusive womanizer. Personally, I think if you really want to do your daughter a favor, you should leave him. You both deserve better than this.

 

[snoochface]

Yeah, don't stay for the child. All that teaches her is that THIS is the way men are supposed to treat women, so when she goes off to look for her own man, she will choose a man who treats her just like daddy treated mom. That's no lesson for a child.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

He has a loving relationship with his daughter and it would break his heart to be a weekend dad. She adores him too and they are very close. I have thoughtabout her and wonder if she could be the reason to stop me divorcing him.

I am ready to think of divorce because he wont behave. He may not beat me anymore but he still flirts a hell of a lot even when I am with him. He stopped beating me when the social services got involved and he was afraid he would lose his right to stay in this country. So ideally he has to behave especially now its nearing the time for his visa to be renewed.

My husband ignores me and its not a fruitful relationship. He is a christian but he said that church is boring and only attends once a month if that.

A very close friend of mine (well she used to be my close friend) told me that she had seen my husband on many occassions with a particular woman at work. She didnt tell me for a while because she didnt want me upset but she knows his background. She describe the woman and she does work with my husband. She had seen them in an embrace many times outside. I confronted my husband and he denied it but he looked really guilty. He used to allow me to pick him up from work before that, now he wont. My close friend wont speak to me anymore as she was very upset with me because I didnt believe her. She said how come you have let him off again. Maybe I have, maybe I havent, thats why I am confused. He has told lies a few times these last few months. I dont know who to believe anymore. Im not here to keep an eye on my husband. He makes me unhappy but there is the issue of his relationship with his daughter.
My husbands father had an affair for 10 years and my husband saw him with her even in bed. So maybe this has affected him and thinks what he does is normal. There I go again making excuses for him.

Have you gone to counseling for yourself? You need to stop making excuses for him. Lots of people go through horrible things. There are still choices to be made every day and a past is no excuse to be bad.

What is to keep him from starting beating you once his visa is renewed? The fact that he was able to control himself actually sounds even worse since it seems like he has control of his actions and choose to be violent with you in the past. That's good that he has a good relationship with his dd, but it isn't a reason to stay living with someone who treats you like dirt. That's bad for your child to see. A good father would treat the mother of his child with respect. That is the best thing a father can do.

If you really want to try everything for the sake of your dd, find a licensed Christian counselor and ask your h to go with you. If he won't, then go by yourself. If you still have sex with your h you are potentially putting your life at risk if he's been unfaithful. FYI, if you're not a paranoid person in other areas of your life, he's most likely cheating. Listen to your gut. God can work miracles, but if your h doesn't repent you shouldn't stay in that unhealthy environment.

 

[yam]

I think u should get counsoeling in ur church. Is he a christian? I cannot tell u wheather or not to leave ur marriage. The decision is in ur hand. I feel bad for the child. why did u get marry to such a guy and have a child by him if he was so wicked.

 

[ShainaBrina]

You are confused because you've been going around and around in the cycle of abuse. Sounds like there's been some brain washing and crazy making going on too.

What do you think the chances are that he's just waiting until he gets his citizenship to divorce you?

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

He has a loving relationship with his daughter and it would break his heart to be a weekend dad. She adores him too and they are very close. I have thoughtabout her and wonder if she could be the reason to stop me divorcing him.

You have such a beautiful heart sis.

I noticed that you had written, "it would break his heart to be a weekend dad".

But here lies the decision he (as head of the household) needs to make.

For the welfare of your child (because she essentially will be learning from the way you both are coping with the situation - especially his behaviour towards you), he needs to begin to treat you as Christ treats his bride. He needs to treat you better than his own body given that he says he is a Christian.

The very real consequence of his inappropriate behaviour will be that he will lose his child and perhaps his right of stay. He needs to see this.

But....

I don't believe it is up to you to try to convince him. You and your child need to be protected. And if he is unrepentant in his abuse and adultery then you do have the right to divorce him (adultery is one of the few allowances in the Bible for divorce).

Seek advice with Women's Aid and keep Social Services in the picture. Although he may be okay to your daughter, it's what she witnesses him doing to you that creates a time bomb in her little development, especially if she is in her formative years of development (between 0-5 years). Childline still considers a child witnessing a mother being abused as mental abuse, so although he may not physically be harming her he is still impacting on her development on the way he treats you. Be it the silent treatment, yelling, putting you down...etc.

 

[katautumn]

I can't tell you whether to stay or go, but I can definitely tell you that you would be well within your rights to divorce him, just judging by some of your posts I've read regarding his behavior.

And I agree with the others who have said that your child would be better off having parents who live separate lives and are functional, happy adults than two parents together where the father is abusive toward the mother. There are lots of men out there who abuse their wives, but are good fathers to their children - but the child still grows up with skewed perceptions as to how adults are supposed to express their love for one another, because of the example that has been set since childhood.

 

[catlover]

He has beat me for 4 years (that stopped over 2 years ago)


Any advice please. I want to leave but I dont know how to.

The beating will happen again, make no mistake about it, and it will get worse and worse. I would contact your local domestic violence agency and leave...

 

[catlover]

I think u should get counsoeling in ur church. Is he a christian? I cannot tell u wheather or not to leave ur marriage. The decision is in ur hand. I feel bad for the child. why did u get marry to such a guy and have a child by him if he was so wicked.

These wicked men can be very, very, charming. That's the problem they can be very, very, bad one minute and the next minute, very, very, loving. It's a sick game abusers play-

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I've seen your posts on this guy for quite awhile, Jacqui. BLOW OUT. Don't go back to him. Get out of there. This guy was sketchy, is sketchy, and will always be sketchy.