Divorce

[CaseyB]

Ok, so I'll try to keep this short without leaving pertinent information out. Basically I got married in a rush and I think it was a mistake. There was just so many warning signs that it was not a good idea, but I made the decision anyways mostly for fear of losing them. I don't think that we have a healthy relationship, and I am the only one that has any desire for counselling or to try to fix the relationship.

The only way I saw of continuing our relationship is by me forcing myself to not be myself, but to instead be the person they want me to be. Of course I tried but it only ended with depression and resentment from my end and of course if I'm not happy, how can I truly make someone else happy.

Anyways, that's the why. I want to do the right thing and stay married and honor the vows I made in front of God and other witnesses, but I just don't think that that is really a life I can live with AND be able to serve God. To me they are mutually exclusive. I find it hard to even focus on what God wants from me because of all the noise this relationship causes inside my head. This is why I am coming here, I don't feel like I can trust in the power of prayer with so many distractions.

I am 99% certain that it will end in divorce with my agreement or not, so I guess my question is, should I be fighting the pending divorce to the last second for that 1% chance that things will work out or should I just give in to it so that I can move on more quickly to a life focused more on building my relationship with God and not make the same mistake again?

 

[parsley]

Do you have kids?

We don't know the whole situation, so it's hard to say what is best for you. But once you have kids, it puts a completely different weight of responsibility on a marriage partnership, and "make someone else happy" ends up sounding very lame.

Everyone goes into marriage with some blind impetuousness.

Are you hurting each other, the more you try to fix it?

Is there a reason for you to stay together?

Do you have debts, legal issues, property, in-law needs, responsibilities that will complicate the division?

Everything needs to be weighed, so get it down on paper so it looks clear to you.

Stay in prayer. Ask trusted friends for prayer. It can turn into quite a consuming battle, or can end peaceably.

You might also look into mediators and self-managed filing, where documents are submitted to the town court.

 

[Quasicentennial]

I can imagine seeing both of you sitting side by side with your laptops or netbooks, or maybe tablets, on the dinner table as you both write out your calendar-like tasks and priorities as you both compare, analyze, "toss a coin to choose heads or tails" if a task seems unfair such as washing the dishes so that whoever loses should suffer the consequences - and yet rewarded with a television program of his/her choice if unfair task is completed properly?
That's the fun part about "tossing the coin" or playing a challenging video-game with a 2-player control pad via video-game console so that you can feel the satisfaction of watching, smiling and laughing as much as you desire as you witness the loser take on the dull drudgery of home life ;'*';.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Ok, so I'll try to keep this short without leaving pertinent information out. Basically I got married in a rush and I think it was a mistake. There was just so many warning signs that it was not a good idea, but I made the decision anyways mostly for fear of losing them. I don't think that we have a healthy relationship, and I am the only one that has any desire for counselling or to try to fix the relationship.

The only way I saw of continuing our relationship is by me forcing myself to not be myself, but to instead be the person they want me to be. Of course I tried but it only ended with depression and resentment from my end and of course if I'm not happy, how can I truly make someone else happy.

Anyways, that's the why. I want to do the right thing and stay married and honor the vows I made in front of God and other witnesses, but I just don't think that that is really a life I can live with AND be able to serve God. To me they are mutually exclusive. I find it hard to even focus on what God wants from me because of all the noise this relationship causes inside my head. This is why I am coming here, I don't feel like I can trust in the power of prayer with so many distractions.

I am 99% certain that it will end in divorce with my agreement or not, so I guess my question is, should I be fighting the pending divorce to the last second for that 1% chance that things will work out or should I just give in to it so that I can move on more quickly to a life focused more on building my relationship with God and not make the same mistake again?

We dont have ALL the details, but, if your Spouse isnt willing to go for Counselling to save the marriage , then you go regardless. THAT may be enough for your Spouse to see you are very serious about saving it and working on it. Most marriages go thru the stage of 'Oh man...what on earth have i done by marrying this person' -- it can occur as early as ON the Honeymoon to a few years down the road.

As a general reality, MOST marriages should never have occured in the first place and the two should have remained very close Friends in a relationship instead of it going to the alter. Frankly, marriage can and has ruined many a good Relationships that would otherwise be great and beneficial. Heres my take on the current marriage situation in the USA :

Divorce rate is approx. 55% .
Out of the remaining 45%, the majority (sayyyy 30%) stay together because they are afraid of being on their own again/cant make it on their own financially/are staying together for the kids sake/ are just putting up with their Spouse/ or take on an extra-martial long lasting affair indefinetly where one or both Spouses settle into the notion .
So..only some 15% (probably less in reality) are marriages that are truly working well, are mutually satisfying , and where they would marry the same person all over again .

Lastly, Young People today are oblivious as to choosing a suitable Marriage Mate ; theyve allowed Hollywood to influence their thinking and/or theyve acquired a totally miscontrued idea of what marriage truly entails., including great surrender of independence, total commitment to the other persons needs, strong win/win negotiation skills , ability to overcome adversities , and a strong ethic of working together on everything . Marriage is not something for the feeble or ill-prepared. Precious few people going into marriage today arent well equipped for lies ahead . It should be absolutely mandatory that an intense PreMarital Counselling Class be taken before any marriage license is issued ; the various issues should also be taught in Senior Year of High School .

Finally, I believe precious few marriages occur where the people have deeply and truly sought Gods Will in the situation , for an extended amount of time. In short, people get married for wrong reasons which arent enough for the marriage to endure .

I dont know how your marriage is going to turn out, but, if it ends in divorce...please learn all you can from your mistakes / serve the Lord zealously , and make sure that you never rely on another person to fulfill you or complete you -- that is something only God is meant for. That is what i learned personally from my marriage ending after 6 years....and that was 21 years ago. Ive learned to be content in all things and in all situations and whatever my status is in life . Regards.

 

[paul1149]

I am 99% certain that it will end in divorce with my agreement or not, so I guess my question is, should I be fighting the pending divorce to the last second for that 1% chance that things will work out or should I just give in to it so that I can move on more quickly to a life focused more on building my relationship with God and not make the same mistake again?

With God anything is possible. But it takes willingness on our part, and in marriage, the willingness of both parties. If you see that the foundations really aren't there, and the marriage isn't in the Lord, I'm not sure why you would fight for the marriage. I think the right attitude to have is, I would like this to work out; I am open to putting in the work for it to do so. But if you're really intent on leaving I'm not going to try to hold you back, and I don't think God wants me falling to pieces over it either.

 

[QueSeraSera]

Lastly, Young People today are oblivious as to choosing a suitable Marriage Mate ; theyve allowed Hollywood to influence their thinking and/or theyve acquired a totally miscontrued idea of what marriage truly entails.,

Its not just young people these days.Discontent has been going on for thousands of years in marriage.

 

[David Sylvian]

Ok, so I'll try to keep this short without leaving pertinent information out. Basically I got married in a rush and I think it was a mistake. There was just so many warning signs that it was not a good idea, but I made the decision anyways mostly for fear of losing them. I don't think that we have a healthy relationship, and I am the only one that has any desire for counselling or to try to fix the relationship.

The only way I saw of continuing our relationship is by me forcing myself to not be myself, but to instead be the person they want me to be. Of course I tried but it only ended with depression and resentment from my end and of course if I'm not happy, how can I truly make someone else happy.

Anyways, that's the why. I want to do the right thing and stay married and honor the vows I made in front of God and other witnesses, but I just don't think that that is really a life I can live with AND be able to serve God. To me they are mutually exclusive. I find it hard to even focus on what God wants from me because of all the noise this relationship causes inside my head. This is why I am coming here, I don't feel like I can trust in the power of prayer with so many distractions.

I am 99% certain that it will end in divorce with my agreement or not, so I guess my question is, should I be fighting the pending divorce to the last second for that 1% chance that things will work out or should I just give in to it so that I can move on more quickly to a life focused more on building my relationship with God and not make the same mistake again?

The real point of God hating divorce is God saying he will not divorce those he loves. It is not the other way around.

There are reasons to get divorces nowadays, as people should be subjected first to God.

 

[football5680]

Trying to work it out would be the best thing but if that doesn't work then you can just separate and go on living. The state may recognize divorce but God won't. So on paper you could be divorced but in God's eyes the vow is still binding.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Yeah without more info like what the problem is, its hard to post any advice.

 

[sdowney717]

10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

You see Paul is saying as the commandment of the Lord Jesus says, you are not to separate. This first admonition is written where both partners are under authority of the Lord, married, and believers in Christ, they are not to separate. BUT if they do, then they are NOT to get married again to someone else. Jesus also says if you remarry your an adulterer in the eye of God. And this is to what Paul is referring. Paul may also have had a talk with the Lord about this as Paul is saying, not I but the Lord.

Further, it says you can separate from unbelieving spouses but then you are still to remain single, also shown in v39.

v15 says let them depart, they are not christians and you are not as a christian under bondage to leave with them or stay with them if they choose to depart and not serve God and be saved. So let them depart because God has called us to peace. This is not authorization to remarry while still exists a living spouse. This is like an unbelieving spouse demanding you depart the faith and go off to live with them separating yourself from the church and God. v16 points this out by saying that the believing spouse might save their unbelieving partner.

12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

39 A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 40 But she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment—and I think I also have the Spirit of God.

 

[CaseyB]

Yeah without more info like what the problem is, its hard to post any advice.

Pretty sure I did say what the problem is. Maybe you want to read again. If you want clarification on something, feel free to ask.