Divorce....very scarey!

[Messenger]

I am sad, I am hurt, I am mad, I am humbled, I am searching, I am in need, I am sorry, I am basically an emotional wreak. I got married at 18 years old. I always from the time I can remember as a little girl wanted to be married and be a mommy. I got pregnant prior to marriage...and got married right after graduation to a 28 year old man. It didn't happen like I dreamed but non the less I was a married mommy the same year I graduated. Soon problems began with his anger and lack of morals. He became my god. I tried pleasing him I tried being a good wife I didn't let God lead me I let my husband but as I went against my morals I began losing myself. I had 3 more children. I went from fighting back, to not fighting and just taking it...I tried making him be "good" I tried being like him. He'd be wonderful...then he'd be horrible. In 2001 my uncle died and somehow God came rushing back in my life...I guess he was always there but for some reason I wasn't listening but in 2001 I couldn't help but hear...It was as if the Holy Spirit was screaming in my ear. I began reading my bible and seeking God after I was inspired with Simplicity of Life. Anyway Jesus is a part of my everyday life now...Jesus is my best friend....I don't pray because I should...I pray because I desire to. I understand love, joy peace now. Unfortunately my husband will seem to try and change but then the abuse begins when he doesn't control his anger...and often I believe he resents my wanting him to be good...He doesn't have my same goals or desires. Anyway after another blow out fight I have decided to file for a divorce...my 3 older children know that it is for the best and have even asked me to...my 3 year old doesn't have a clue and I am just feeling so lost and confussed...I mean 16 years I have been married...I got married at 18 years old...nearly 1/2 my life I have been with him how do I do this even though I know it is for the best??? This is rambled but that is how my mind is working right now...God would give me peace but I can't be still long enought to listen....Please I guess pray for me...How long does a divorce take???? As many divorces in the nation and nobody I know besides my husband have ever been divorced.

Any help advice prayer is appreciated.

Love and God Bless,
Messenger

 

[chriso]

Do you think he will try counciling with you? Have you told him before now how his anger bothers you? Maybe he doesn't know he even has a problem with abuse. If you still love him I would try and work things out. Talk to your pastor. Does he go to church with you? You are not alone in this our Lord is there with you. Put your trust in him. And he will bring you throught it. I would recommend a good book "The Five Love Languages" By: Gary Chappman it is some really good reading. God Bless You. And I will be praying for you.

 

[Messenger]

Do you think he will try counciling with you? Have you told him before now how his anger bothers you? Maybe he doesn't know he even has a problem with abuse. If you still love him I would try and work things out. Talk to your pastor. Does he go to church with you? You are not alone in this our Lord is there with you. Put your trust in him. And he will bring you throught it. I would recommend a good book "The Five Love Languages" By: Gary Chappman it is some really good reading. God Bless You. And I will be praying for you.

The story is too long to tell all of but he has bipolar...he is on probation for domestic violence so he knows he has a problem. I love him...but I also hate him...I have tried working on this marriage for 16 years...the littlest of things or nothing at all can send him into a rage. He goes to church with me sometimes. He knows right from wrong but craves or desires what is wrong. I will be happy someday without him...I will never be happy with him because all trust is gone and even after 37 days in jail he came home and started being abusive again. Thank you for responding.

Love and God Bless you,
Messenger I just keep smiling but I am crying inside...just want a simple easy way of saying good bye and starting life a new...I don't want anymore sadness...but that is impossible....Why must so much pain and sorrow take place before I see happiness....When my children begin to cry and want us together...when they miss their daddy and their family...how do I do this???? I know divorce is the answer...I have known for some time...but why is it so hard and why do I feel such the failure...I tried everything I know I did! I haven't even went to the lawyer yet and I am already feeling the pain

 

[chriso]

Bipolar is a sickness just as cancer is a sickness. I have a friend who is bipolar and as long as she is on her medication she is ok. Is your husband taking treatment for his illness? Just be careful because he may not be thinking rationally. God Bless You in this heavy burden you are carrying. I will be praying for you.

 

[JillLars]

I also would like to know if he has been treated for manic-depression, my sister has the disorder and also goes into rages or terrible depressions, and does things that she knows are wrong and irresponsible when she is not on her meds. It can be treated if he is willing to get help. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Messenger]

He takes Lithuim and it keeps him from not being extremely abusive and distructive but he still just isn't very nice most of the time. With God in my life now I have learned to love and tolerate even more so now to divorce and say enough is enough just turns me in circles. I am not sure divorce is the answer but staying married and waiting isn't doing anything good. With 4 kids this is very emotionally hard...I am not worried financially...money isn't what life is about. I wish I where strong enough or good enough to change him...but I guess God gives us all the right to choose our paths. I only wanted him to live right...but he says I want control. I guess I can't control who he is but I don't have to accept it. Divorce is just such a rotten word and process....I wish he would just see the Light...but he knows right from wrong he just chooses to live wrong.

Anyway I am reading my Bible and praying and trying to take it One Day at a Time.

Love and God Bless and thank you for your prayers,
Messenger

 

[mollyj]

Messenger,
This website has changed my attitude about my marriage. They don't claim to know the answers. Rather they point you to the words of the One who knows all. I've never seen anything like this before. Check it out.

http://www.restorem.org

 

[Messenger]

Thanks all....I will check out the site.

Love and God Bless,
Messenger

 

[salsa]

I understand your indecision, confusion and pain...

 

[desi]

Messenger you have no biblical reason to divorce him, remeber "in sickness and in health, til death do us part". If lithium is not working you should look at drug/food interactions with sodium or adding carbamazepine or maybe buspirone along with prayer. Quitting is not the answer.

 

[SelfProtect]

Messenger, only you know what God is telling you to do. If he is abusive you need to remove yourself from the situation. Maybe divorce is not the answer BUT a LONGTERM separation until he gets a handle on HIS issues might be. Tolerating abuse is not an answer to your problem. You have to allow him to reap the natural consequences of his actions. You tolerating it may be you getting in God's way of helping him. Read the Boundary books by Henry Cloude and John Townsend.

Here is a snip of what these Christian counselors believe:

Limiting Evil

One of the other aspects of boundaries that is important is the limiting effect upon evil. Remember, because God does not control people, they are, in a certain way, free to be evil. He does not make them be good. He limits His sovereignty and control in some ways that we do not totally understand. But, even though He allows them to be evil, He limits the effects of their choices. He exercises limits on the effect that their choices will have on Him, His church, the world, etc.

He has also given us this duty, to limit the effect that evil choices that people make can have on life. One of the best examples of that is in Matthew 18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and “bind” evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for a great description of how David thought about the things that must be bound so that the evil of others would not “cling” to him.

In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to restore those who get “caught up,” by evil. We are to put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)

God is about Life. He is about restoring good things. And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed. He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:

Truth and Commands

Confrontation

Rebuke

Exhortation

Forgiveness

Group Intervention

Consequences

Discipline

Restoration

Limit Setting

Separation

These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit and restore evil. And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large. As has been the story since the garden of Eden, the mess is largely of our own making. If we would use our self-control to do these things, then we would not have the messes in various aspects of life in which we find ourselves. We have misused our freedom. But, the good news of boundaries is that you can take control back in your own areas of influence, and begin to limit evil and restore life.

Here is more on this issue:
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/simple_scoop.htm

 

[Messenger]

Thanks for all who responded. My appointment with the attorney got changed for Monday November 3. I haven't cancelled it yet but may. My husband really wants another chance....I have told him if we stay together it is understood that I will call the police if he breaks things or hits me and let them handle the situation. I will no longer protect him from the consequences of his actions. I am standing undecided right now...it's hard to work on a marriage that has so many problems and issues of trust for 16 years and believe somehow it will be okay. At times I can't bare thinking of trying again but others I can't amagine living a divorced life and not seeing my children every other weekend. Keep me in your prayers please. I am keeping my relationship with God and waiting the storm out.....until God tells me to leave or divorce I'll give life my best right here.

Love and God Bless,
Messenger

 

[E-beth]

God bless you Messenger, and remember that God will be with you, no matter what.

I have been divorced, I am remarried, and my husband now is bipolar. I know alot of what you aer going through. Just keep your communication with God open and He will make it abundantly clear what you should do.

PM me if you ever need to talk, or vent, or cry.

 

[SnowOwlMoon]

The story is too long to tell all of but he has bipolar...he is on probation for domestic violence so he knows he has a problem. I love him...but I also hate him...I have tried working on this marriage for 16 years...the littlest of things or nothing at all can send him into a rage. He goes to church with me sometimes. He knows right from wrong but craves or desires what is wrong. I will be happy someday without him...I will never be happy with him because all trust is gone and even after 37 days in jail he came home and started being abusive again. Thank you for responding.

Love and God Bless you,
Messenger I just keep smiling but I am crying inside...just want a simple easy way of saying good bye and starting life a new...I don't want anymore sadness...but that is impossible....Why must so much pain and sorrow take place before I see happiness....When my children begin to cry and want us together...when they miss their daddy and their family...how do I do this???? I know divorce is the answer...I have known for some time...but why is it so hard and why do I feel such the failure...I tried everything I know I did! I haven't even went to the lawyer yet and I am already feeling the pain

Bi-Polar illness is devastating to families. I had it in my family, and it's in my husband's family. If it's any help, your husband can't help being the way he is--he is sick, it is a true medical illness, needing medication. Has he been evaluated by a pschiatrist? (NOT a psychologist--he needs an MD, which would be a psychiatrist.) Has any medication been prescribed? Does he take it?

That said, you do need to protect yourself, and your children. When I was in my teens, my stepfather was bi-polar, and my mother and I lived in fear for our lives. I know what it is like to live with someone who is psychotic, who is set off by anything--including things he THINKS you did. You need to get out of there before he kills you. You are not a failure for seeking to protect yourself from a dangerous situation.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[desper84unity]

You asked about divorce, how long it will take etc.

That depends on the State, and on whether he wants to contest it, if so it will go to court which takes more money and time. My divorce took 6 months.

Realize that if you do agree to sign to proceed with divorce, it will very likely happen. The legal system and even your attorney is a DIVORCE MACHINE. If you agree to start it, the system will end it for sure. Also realize that if you legally seperate he probably (check your State) has that right to counter with divorce himself, and then full divorce will happen.

But if you feel you need to divorce to stay alive and unhurt, it is your husband that is making the decision to divorce, you are primarily going ahead with something his bad actions demand.

However, I would believe that if you do divorce that it would be best for you as a Christian to decide not to remarry to satisfy Christ's words in Luke 16:18. It is a matter of maintaining the most blessed connection with your Lord Jesus. I remain single after my divorce, and after all the initial suffering my relationship with Christ is better than ever.

If he says he wants you to give him a second chance, make sure it is conditional on him going to and staying in Psychological treatment for his battering problem, be firm on that. Often your medical insurance will pay for at least half of his treatment. There may also be free clinics for him to go to.

God Bless you and protect you and your kids.

 

[molly]

I know I'm probably going to be going against the grain here, but I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years,I stayed because of all the reasons some of you have suggested, and because I thought God wanted me to, however I almost lost my life, and that is not what God wanted, so after 23 years all my life, like you I was married at 17, and I had the kids, I left; The damage that was done to my kids has almost been unreparible, their lives changed forever. I believe God knows what is happening, and although it sounds right to tell someone to stay, sometimes God does not want you to. my ex husband who I've known all my life hated me so much when I got saved that he ripped the clothes off of me, destroyed all my tapes bibles and tried to strangle me with a phone cord all in front of my children.... That was not what Jesus wanted for me.I struggled for a long time but the Lord sent someone else into my life, and even though he's not perfect, he is a good man, and he has never abused me. Ever! You just lay it at the cross, and God will deal with your husband. Bi Polar is a very hard thig to live with, and it can be a real killer. I know been there done that. I will keep you in my prayers, for I know how hard this is for you. Love in Jesus Name...................Molly

 

[Messenger]

Thanks again for the prayers and advice. I went to the attorney $1500 ...Wow...guess divorce may not be the answer right now. I am reading my Bible and the 40 days of purpose book and trying to live and learn. I have survived 16 years so I don't fear for my life...if he was going to kill me I believe he would have already. I read that learning to find peace and dealing with difficult people helps us to become more like Christ...I have not accomplished staying calm and not losing it but I am getting better....but I don't want to cause my children to suffer just so I can learn or so my husband has it cozy. He takes 1 of the 2 medicines perscribed...he sees a doctor. He claims to have been saved and knows he doesn't live right but doesn't care to. He admits failure and says he's sorry but he doesn't change nor do I see much trying to change. I really don't like to judge. I may file for a divorce to get him out so I can continue to do my job here or I may leave and find another job. God will let me know what to do when I am ready to listen....For now I will try and be peaceful and lean on God/Jesus.

Thanks again everyone and continue to keep me in your prayers.

Love and God Bless you,

Messenger

 

[Gabriela Barriga]

God Bless you becuase I know you are going to a hard time because not only did you love him dearly all still do but he is the father of your children.


Just give your heart to God and talk to him tell him to care of it and to take all this negative feelings from you and to make you strong for this process.

Just remember you can never change a man but you can still change a child.

I left my husband when my Son was 1 month old because he used to hit me but I said to him you are already lost but my Son he will be a better person.
I was a single mother that found a better husband that respects me and loves me. My Son is three and he knows how to pray and comes with me to church... therefore God is wonderfull just hang on to him!!!

 

[ceres]

thank you for the update, i am surprised it costs 1500...

 

[Messenger]

I may be able to find a cheaper lawyer??? But I don't know that a piece of paper stating we are divorced will solve all the problems. With 4 children I will always have to have him in my life....I'm just taking it day by day and God is gonna have to really open my eyes at what to do. I am trying to listen and lean on God but I am still stubborn....I try and not be but there is a lot of resentment I got to get rid of...not resentment towards God...resentment towards my husband. Last 2 years I have spent getting closer to God and He helps me to deal and survive. I want to hate my husband so much that no love will remain but that isn't the "christian" thing to do...I want an easy fix but am realizing that it won't be. Anyway my husband is just one part of my life. I have 4 wonderful children and a wonderful family and a lot of wonderful children I care for. I am gonna dwell on the glory of God and all that He has given me and change will come in God's time or when I really learn to listen again. Thanks everyone....I'm gonna go focus on others and forget this thread which is all about ME...Keep me in your prayers and with God/Jesus I'll be doing well.

Love and God Bless,
Messenger