I was married for the second time around in 1999. My first husband wasn't faithful and didn't love me so he left me for a friend (some friend) and I met my second husband a year later. I had doubts back then, but didn't listen to them. I wasn't financially able to make it on my own with two little girls and the area I lived in was large and scary. I had two choices: get married again or move back in with my brother and live an existence that was depressing at best. My brother and I have never really gotten along but he liked it when I came to live with his family because I had food stamps and bought all the food; plus I did all the cooking and cleaning. Worked GREAT for him...not so good for me, crammed in one bedroom with two growing daughters. Fun. So the marriage thing was looking better than that and I jumped in with both feet. I discarded the warning signs like: (new husband to be)
1. he had several sexual partners before me, 15 women and 2 men. (said he wasn't gay, just going through a rough time.)
2. liked to drink even though he was in church every time the doors opened.
3. had a VERY controlling mother. (to put it mildly)
4. only had one job skill; working with his Dad who was going to retire soon. (logging)
5. had NO motivation
6. he was a hoarder. (I'm a neat freak)
7. all he wanted was sex, three times a day.
8. he expected me to be his second mother and do EVERYTHING for him.
9. had herpes
10. was very overweight. (5' 11" and 260 lbs. Then gained up to 350 lbs.)
Okay...being submissive is one thing. But being a Mother to your husband rather than a soul mate and life partner is quite another. I wanted a partner, a husband, a responsible adult. I got a toddler in disguise. But I made my bed so I was prepared to lie in it as long as I was alive. After 5 years of marriage, he lost his job with his Dad and didn't have job skills to find another one in time so we lost our house. I was already working and trying to help as much as possible. Thanks to his lack of motivation (he was unemployed for 6 months and barely even looked for a job.) we had to move in with his parents until we could get back on our feet. That lasted for FIVE years! He did find a low paying job, but it wasn't enough for us to move out. I worked for a family member in respite care and made enough money to buy a 5th wheel so at least we weren't under the same roof. We parked it in the inlaws back yard but had no running water which meant no indoor plumbing. We spent 4 years like that, with him totally content to live in a camper the rest of his days. The roof leaked, it was freezing in the winter and we showered in their house. I packed water for dishes every day. I was depressed. VERY depressed. I lost my job in respite care because the lady passed away. Then I sprained my ankle (3rd degree) and couldn't walk for 3 months, couldn't get a job for over a year because I managed to fracture the ankle I sprained a few months later. This lead to more depression because I wanted to work so we could afford to move. Meanwhile, he was happy as a clam. I tried to talk to him about how I felt but he was as deep as a wading pool and it just went past him.
Luckily, we had an opportunity to house sit for a rich relative and were able to move from our camper (with my two daughters who lived IN the inlaws house) into a huge house. We lived there for 9 months. The rich relative was paying us money each month for expenses too, until my husband could get a job. He never looked. He liked sitting on his butt all day, watching movies, while someone else provided for us financially. I already had a job, taking care of the huge estate. It was 6700 sq. feet with an in ground pool I had to maintenance. I hired repair people and kept up with all the work around the house which was substantial what with it being so huge. It had 5 bathrooms, two laundry rooms and a mother-in-law apartment downstairs.
I realized that he was a noose around my neck. He didn't want to get a job, didn't want to work around the house and didn't want to talk about it either.
I felt very trapped.
Circumstances arose and we had to move again. With no job and no prospects, I was forced to move in with my parents in another state. I took my daughters with me and said he could come join us when things were tied up. He had things to deal with where we were and it would take a couple of months for us to get a place to live. I got a job within 3 days of moving and had sold our car, bought a cheaper one, took the cash and put a deposit on a rental house. I was motivated. I set it all up. He did nothing.
Two months later, he moved back in with us, the girls and I. No job, no prospects and no motivation. He drew unemployment and did the bare minimum of job searching so he could get paid every week. I wasn't in love. I wasn't happy. I was miserable. He was perfectly happy living off me and unemployment while never bothering himself with household chores or anything but watching movies.
I made a HUGE mistake marrying him. I tried to make it work. He didn't. I wanted my life back. So I told him, after another year of him doing nothing, I wanted a divorce. (12 years married)
Of course, he didn't because I took care of his every need. He couldn't even be bothered to take out the garbage. I worked full time while he sat on his butt and then I came home and cooked for him, did his laundry, and on top of all that, he wanted a weekly allowance!
Okay, so divorce isn't right. I KNOW that. But I also know that God didn't design us to be martyrs. If it's not working at ALL and you've tried for a LONG time, maybe it's time to end it. Move on. Start over. Ask God to forgive your stupid mistakes and forgive yourself.
After he moved out (2 1/2 months ago), I felt a sense of freedom I have NEVER felt before. I am not interested in EVER getting married again and I absolutely LOVE my life now. My daughters are 23 and 25 and still live with me thanks to the economy. But we are a team and happy to be together. They work and help with expenses so it's awesome.
Sometimes divorce CAN be a good thing. I have been quite beaten up on this forum for my choices but at the end of the day, I can still look at myself in the mirror and KNOW I made the right choice for ME. My soon to be ex is living with his parents, gaining MORE weight, still living off unemployment (despite the fact there's a LOT of jobs in his area) and doing his best to be completely useless.
I have never been happier. God forgave me and still blesses me. No...not for getting a divorce but because I love him and serve him. There's a reason why he's called our "Father". Because even though we make mistakes, he is willing to forgive us and still bless our lives. My own Dad understands my choices and even though he's not thrilled that I had to go through all this, he is supportive and prays for me every day. He forgives me when I make mistakes and doesn't keep reminding me of those mistakes.
IF you have tried, and I mean REALLY tried to make your marriage work; and IF you are certain that your life would be much better if you were to divorce; and IF you're not just wanting a divorce so you can marry someone else, then maybe you should consider getting one and starting your life over. It's really refreshing! Don't kick yourself to death because of some constricting rules that were put in place as guidelines. Don't put God in a box. He's more than what is written on pages in a book. It's an awesome book, but it's not the end all to the meaning of who God really is. He WILL forgive you and bless you again. NOT for divorcing, that's a SIN. But he will put it in the past and still be the same loving father you've always known.
I hope this at least reaches one person who feels guilty for making the same choices and wants some sort of reassurance that God will make a way for you to be happy again. Repent and move on. This life is too short to be miserable for all of it.
1. he had several sexual partners before me, 15 women and 2 men. (said he wasn't gay, just going through a rough time.)
2. liked to drink even though he was in church every time the doors opened.
3. had a VERY controlling mother. (to put it mildly)
4. only had one job skill; working with his Dad who was going to retire soon. (logging)
5. had NO motivation
6. he was a hoarder. (I'm a neat freak)
7. all he wanted was sex, three times a day.
8. he expected me to be his second mother and do EVERYTHING for him.
9. had herpes
10. was very overweight. (5' 11" and 260 lbs. Then gained up to 350 lbs.)
Okay...being submissive is one thing. But being a Mother to your husband rather than a soul mate and life partner is quite another. I wanted a partner, a husband, a responsible adult. I got a toddler in disguise. But I made my bed so I was prepared to lie in it as long as I was alive. After 5 years of marriage, he lost his job with his Dad and didn't have job skills to find another one in time so we lost our house. I was already working and trying to help as much as possible. Thanks to his lack of motivation (he was unemployed for 6 months and barely even looked for a job.) we had to move in with his parents until we could get back on our feet. That lasted for FIVE years! He did find a low paying job, but it wasn't enough for us to move out. I worked for a family member in respite care and made enough money to buy a 5th wheel so at least we weren't under the same roof. We parked it in the inlaws back yard but had no running water which meant no indoor plumbing. We spent 4 years like that, with him totally content to live in a camper the rest of his days. The roof leaked, it was freezing in the winter and we showered in their house. I packed water for dishes every day. I was depressed. VERY depressed. I lost my job in respite care because the lady passed away. Then I sprained my ankle (3rd degree) and couldn't walk for 3 months, couldn't get a job for over a year because I managed to fracture the ankle I sprained a few months later. This lead to more depression because I wanted to work so we could afford to move. Meanwhile, he was happy as a clam. I tried to talk to him about how I felt but he was as deep as a wading pool and it just went past him.
Luckily, we had an opportunity to house sit for a rich relative and were able to move from our camper (with my two daughters who lived IN the inlaws house) into a huge house. We lived there for 9 months. The rich relative was paying us money each month for expenses too, until my husband could get a job. He never looked. He liked sitting on his butt all day, watching movies, while someone else provided for us financially. I already had a job, taking care of the huge estate. It was 6700 sq. feet with an in ground pool I had to maintenance. I hired repair people and kept up with all the work around the house which was substantial what with it being so huge. It had 5 bathrooms, two laundry rooms and a mother-in-law apartment downstairs.
I realized that he was a noose around my neck. He didn't want to get a job, didn't want to work around the house and didn't want to talk about it either.
I felt very trapped.
Circumstances arose and we had to move again. With no job and no prospects, I was forced to move in with my parents in another state. I took my daughters with me and said he could come join us when things were tied up. He had things to deal with where we were and it would take a couple of months for us to get a place to live. I got a job within 3 days of moving and had sold our car, bought a cheaper one, took the cash and put a deposit on a rental house. I was motivated. I set it all up. He did nothing.
Two months later, he moved back in with us, the girls and I. No job, no prospects and no motivation. He drew unemployment and did the bare minimum of job searching so he could get paid every week. I wasn't in love. I wasn't happy. I was miserable. He was perfectly happy living off me and unemployment while never bothering himself with household chores or anything but watching movies.
I made a HUGE mistake marrying him. I tried to make it work. He didn't. I wanted my life back. So I told him, after another year of him doing nothing, I wanted a divorce. (12 years married)
Of course, he didn't because I took care of his every need. He couldn't even be bothered to take out the garbage. I worked full time while he sat on his butt and then I came home and cooked for him, did his laundry, and on top of all that, he wanted a weekly allowance!
Okay, so divorce isn't right. I KNOW that. But I also know that God didn't design us to be martyrs. If it's not working at ALL and you've tried for a LONG time, maybe it's time to end it. Move on. Start over. Ask God to forgive your stupid mistakes and forgive yourself.
After he moved out (2 1/2 months ago), I felt a sense of freedom I have NEVER felt before. I am not interested in EVER getting married again and I absolutely LOVE my life now. My daughters are 23 and 25 and still live with me thanks to the economy. But we are a team and happy to be together. They work and help with expenses so it's awesome.
Sometimes divorce CAN be a good thing. I have been quite beaten up on this forum for my choices but at the end of the day, I can still look at myself in the mirror and KNOW I made the right choice for ME. My soon to be ex is living with his parents, gaining MORE weight, still living off unemployment (despite the fact there's a LOT of jobs in his area) and doing his best to be completely useless.
I have never been happier. God forgave me and still blesses me. No...not for getting a divorce but because I love him and serve him. There's a reason why he's called our "Father". Because even though we make mistakes, he is willing to forgive us and still bless our lives. My own Dad understands my choices and even though he's not thrilled that I had to go through all this, he is supportive and prays for me every day. He forgives me when I make mistakes and doesn't keep reminding me of those mistakes.
IF you have tried, and I mean REALLY tried to make your marriage work; and IF you are certain that your life would be much better if you were to divorce; and IF you're not just wanting a divorce so you can marry someone else, then maybe you should consider getting one and starting your life over. It's really refreshing! Don't kick yourself to death because of some constricting rules that were put in place as guidelines. Don't put God in a box. He's more than what is written on pages in a book. It's an awesome book, but it's not the end all to the meaning of who God really is. He WILL forgive you and bless you again. NOT for divorcing, that's a SIN. But he will put it in the past and still be the same loving father you've always known.
I hope this at least reaches one person who feels guilty for making the same choices and wants some sort of reassurance that God will make a way for you to be happy again. Repent and move on. This life is too short to be miserable for all of it.
