make moral navigating such an impossible task!!
Thank you SweetCaroline for sharing your situation. It is very helpful that you come from a Catholic tradition--so do I. In fact, I have recently come back to embrace the tradition more fully. I drifted from the Church early on as I couldn't find the answers I needed for my life through pre-Vatican 2 church practices. And I was much too young to understand what Vat 2 changes meant (still not sure
) So my thoughts on your situation might be a bit like the blind leading the blind on this!
Here's my situation. I've never married because I've been terrified of making a terrible mistake--I saw what my dad did to my mother even though they were both catholics. I didn't want that for myself. In my 20s my spiritual search led me to pentacostalism and evangelicalism and knew in my heart that the Holy Spirit was bringing me into an intimacy with Christ that was not accessible in the RC tradition (at least not in my life experience). It transformed my life. I became very committed to serving God alone, though my peers and family didn't quite get it. It was a solo journey, and though I felt the pressure that you did from ticking clocks and a worrying mother, I stubbornly chose to serve God as a single in missionary work. Experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything...but yet from this side of the fence, I feel I might have missed out on marriage and family, and the love of a good man.
Fast forward to today. I have opened myself up to the possibility of marriage. My clock has all but stopped ticking, and at my age, the pool of "good men" is, well.... so I find myself dating divorced (annulled) men, strong Catholics at that. They proclaim a love for Jesus, which is number one on my list of requirements. They are very obedient to church teaching at this point (strong moral values) though these men seem to have "pasts" that concern me. They proceeded with annullment, one based on a previous "civil ceremony" marriage, and the other 2 where their wives had left them for another man, thus committing adultery.
Something I learned from these men: If you married a non-Catholic in a civil (non-sacramental) ceremony, it is automatically considered to be illicit, and, I'm told, an anullment can be granted in 6 weeks by the Vatican. If you did have a sacramental union with a Catholic man in the RC church or other sacramental denomination, the annullment process is more difficult. But because of adultery of the other spouse, I think you could still petition, but it can take 2-3 years. An annullment is the Vatican declaring that you were never married in the eyes of the church, and is the only way to then have a sacramental union with another should you want to marry a CAtholic. (Of course if your ex dies, then no problem!) Apparently all this is laid out in Canon Law--where all the fine print of the Church laws are found
. I'm not sure about other sacramental denominations like Lutheran and Anglican, however. In the Orthodox tradition, you wouldn't be able to re-marry, even if your ex had died. Maybe others reading this might have some input here.
The things we do to try and "un-do" the past... It is probably a blessing from God that you didn't re-marry as planned...you now have the time to reflect and find some answers before making another life-uprooting decision. (But I'm sure you had to nurse a broken heart just the same...me too)
I'll pray with you that God leads you to a faith community where you can truly meet with God and receive His wisdom for your life plans. (I'm going to look for a Charismatic Catholic congregation where I know they understand the importance of intimacy and personal relationship with God.)
I'd also appreciate your prayers. The idea of marriage still scares the heck out of me, especially if I'd end up with one who was a "marriage drifter" rather than one who was committed to working at marriage, as you wrote.
Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom. It has helped me.
sweetcaroline said:
Hi, I'm new here but I'll take a stab at this since it basically is the core of my problems:
I was born and raised Catholic and am raising my two daugthers Catholic, though I am currently confused and looking for a different church. The reason is due to many issues but the biggest being the whole concept of "annulment". My husband left me for another woman and has been married to her since a week after our divorce was official. That was about 6 years ago. I feel that I should be able to remarry without having to ask a priest, who has no experience whatsoever in marriage, his permission. I was recently engaged until my fiance begged out a week before the wedding this past October. In a way I was relieved because I was so conflicted knowing that I was getting married against the Catholic church's teachings.
Oh my gosh well in my area everything is missing! I sooooo should not have married the man that I did and only know this now......a little too late. I really think that I rushed myself because my "clock" was ticking and I didn't heed the warnings that God was basically shouting out to me! My family was rushing me as well, since I was 29 when I did get married, and had they been more supportive in my being single and shown me that I am single in order to do this or that for God then I really would have waited, though I can't blame them for the whole thing.
I think it depends on the two people. I wouldn't generalize and say sure it would work. They both would have to be in the same mindset.
I would definitely have dated a divorced person but I would first have to know why the divorce occured, as I do now. If the two just "drifted"...that doesn't work for me. Married people drift all the time..that is natural but it's both of their jobs to try to build a bridge so that they don't drift too far. If the guy didn't bother working at it who's to say he would work at the new marriage. Kids are different. Now that I have my own it doesn't matter if anyone else has them but at the time when I was single with no kids I would have really had to consider it hard. I see friends of mine who married men with children and their expectations of life were very different from what it really is.
