disrespectful husband- Help!

[mkay]

I am desperate for some advice or something on my marriage situation. My husband and I have been married for almost 8yrs and recently back together after a 6 month seperation. He is a drug addict, but has been sober since March of this year. Before our seperation he had begun to get extremely emotionally abusive (calling names, saying he hated me, threatening to kill me, no concern for putting me down in front of kids) and it also got physical. Granted he never caused me to "bleed" but I had lasting bruises and soreness several times. Since this had NEVER happend and his temper was NEVER violent in the first 5-6 yrs of our marriage I assumed it was the drugs. I finally had enough and left, he went to rehab, took an anger management class and has apologized so many times I can not even count. During our seperation he was so sweet to me, he was so loving and was constantly saying he was sorry for what he had done and so horrified that he had ever put his hands on me. I forgave, we have been to marriage counseling and things have been pretty good.

The drugs and alcohol are gone and he has made MAJOR changes in his behavior and attitude. But, recently the anger has started to creep back in. He has a horrible temper and lots of anger that he seemed to be controlling very well up until these last 4-5wks. I know for a fact (just believe me, I know) that he is not using again so I dont know where it is coming from except he blames it on what I do to him.

A few wks ago we had a horrible argument where very hurtful things were said for the first time since our seperation. I was told "I hate you, I dont want to be with you", "Until you see it my way, you will never change" Ect. We already deal with the fact that he thinks he has to have things his way, he is VERY anal and very controling. This has been dealt with in counseling and prayer and I have changed SO much of my attitude and the way I respond, knowing God will deal with him and I will continue to be a loving wife and do what I need to do to make things peaceful.

OK, so we got past the one argument. Then another came, things were thrown out again....I am beginning to feel like a child again. So invaluable to him and not cherished. I constantly feel that I have to "win" his approval (I mean 100% of the time). I always feel that I am not good enough or smart enough for him. Yes, this has been told to him NUMEROUS times and he denies that is how he feels, he says I am valuable to him and I do matter but after the moment has passed I dont feel that on a day to day basis.

So, 2 nights ago we got into it again. Now, I will admit it was something I was being very stubborn on and I should have responded differently but this time he got physical for the first time since Jan. We were in bed arguing (what a horrible place to argue) and he raised up and put his hand with all of his weight over my mouth and throat while telling me to shut up. Then when I said "get your hands off of me and began to cry" he said "stop the whining, God you sound so much like your mother" I began to fight back (our human instinct I think) and screamed at him to get out and get away from me, he then told ME to get away from him and pushed me off the bed onto the floor. I got up while he was still screaming at me, telling me I would never change and how tired he was of me and how sick I made him and left the room closing the door behind me. I went to sit on the couch in the dark sobbing and feeling so powerless. He followed me (after telling me to get out) and said "dont close MY bedroom door then called me a "B"!! This was one of the words we made a deal (written and signed by a witness) he would not ever call me again. Then he proceeded to tell me he was going to throw me outside naked (didnt have on pants...sorry if that is too much info) if I didnt shut up. I opened my mouth wanting to say "that is why I left the room, to get out of your face" but before I got to the second word he picked me up by my T-shirt after grabbing my neck also and pushed me into the kitchen saying "get the H out of my face". I go into the bedroom just literally feeling like I am about to and want to DIE...my heart is aching and I am crying uncontrollably. I wanted so bad to fight back, I wanted to stand up for myself...I wanted to say "you can not treat me this way" but I knew I couldnt, he had won again which is all he ever wants. I closed the bedroom door behind me to try and block out what he was still screaming at me, but the one word that I heard louder than ever what when he said I was so STUPID. This is the word that finishes me for good, this is the word that causes the most pain for me and also promissed he would never use again. This is the word that he used constantly with me before our seperation and the word he knows completely takes me back to being a child and my dad calling me stupid all of the time. He went there, he had done it all that night....the "B" word, the physical abuse and calling me stupid. I just prayed and prayed and prayed until I fell asleep. The next morning he asked me while I was ironing my clothes if I was leaving and I replyed "I am not going anywhere" meaning nobody is going to FORCE me from my home, but I guess he took it to mean "I forgive you and I would never leave you" He then said "Then come over here" I went to the bed and sat down and he said to me "Oh, I didnt break anything" then put his arms around me and said I am sorry. That was his apology...THAT was sincere? I just sat there for a moment frozen and got up to continue getting ready for work. We spoke, but nothing meaningful...him thinking everything was fine I guess and me WANTING to let him have it....but I didnt, God said stay quiet!

Yesterday after PLEADING with God to tell me what was going on, He revealed to me that it is because he has no RESPECT for me. He has no respect for my feelings or my thoughts. He does not cherish me or think I am valuable to him. He may SAY he does these things, but he does not show it.

Thur. nights are our counseling sessions with our Pastor at 6pm. I get home with the kids at 5:30 and he is not home from work yet. I call our Pastor to tell him I dont know when he will be home, we should reschedule and my husband gets home about 6:30. All day I was feeling very ill, my heart was racing and I had a horrible pain in my side. I actually thought I may have apendicitis or gall stones that is how bad it was hurting. So, he gets home sees me walking slowly and not jumping up and down that he is home I guess and the first thing out of his mouth is "Whats wrong now?" and says my name. I calmly tell him I am not going to participate tonight and he says he is not either.

After a long night of being uncomfortable but me not wanting to start an argument we go to bed. This morning, he wants to get frisky and I go with it. He notices after I am up and getting ready for work that I am not happy. I am trying so very hard to just go with this, not causing strife but I am DYING inside. I am literally shattered at what my husband has done and the fact that he thinks because he didnt "BREAK" something that it is ok. I am praying silently asking God what to say and do and I am feeling like I need to say this "I need you to ask God to help you respect me again, I just need you to love me" But, I am scared of his reaction so I wait. We get the kids to school and someting is said about $$ and he goes off and I say it then (why did I chose then to say it?) but I DO say it very calmly and even add, I am sorry for anything I have done to cause you to lose respect for me, if I can do anything to help you get it back please tell me. He flys off the handle while we are driving and begins cussing and telling me that he is not going to change ANY more. He thinks because the drugs are gone (which dont get me wrong, I thank God for that literally 10 times a day) that everything else is MY issue. He thinks that because he helps me around the house, (which he does) and because he has changed other things, that this could NEVER be the truth.

I really cant believe I wrote all of this, I felt like I was dying inside and needed to get it out. I feel that our marriage is in such jeopardy, even though we have been doing so much work and so so so many things have improved. I LOVE my husband dearly and believe God put us back together to stay together. I tell him very often how proud I am of him for his changes, I wrote him a letter just last Wed. telling him how much I love him, how I am falling in love with him again and how I trust him again. I feel like as soon as I let my guard down and said those words "I trust you" all hell broke loose in the spiritual world and the devil is having a great big old party at our expense.

Any advice on what I can do to make things better?? I am staying prayerful constantly, getting counseling, trying so very hard to do what God requires and wants of me, but I need to know what I am not seeing here. I need to hear from others that are or have been in this situation. I need to feel VALID....I never feel like my thoughts and feelings are validated. I KNOW in my heart that only God can validate me and that I am worthy because God loves me, but he also made marriage a VERY important part of our relationships here on earth. He has to give some regard to the fact that we SHOULD feel validated, loved and cherished by our spouses. I can not allow myself to be lost in emotional torment that makes me feel so insignificant, which made me leave in the first place. I was numb and I had lost my sense of self, I didnt know who I was..I WILL not go there again. If I am wrong, please tell me!! If it werent for my children, Lord knows I dont know if I would still be here!

Thanks for any advice and prayers you may offer up. Forgive me for being SO lengthy, I didnt realize how much I needed to say!!

mkay

 

[gracefaith]

I hate to ask, but how do you know that the drugs are gone? If his behavior is going back to his old ways, it only makes sense that he has too.

 

[LynnMcG]

He doesn't have to be high for the behavior to return. If he's not working a program he may as well be high.

It's your call, but you need boundaries. I would suggest you read "Boundaries in Marriage" for some ideas. My husband kicked his drug addiction 11 years ago. He was never violent with me, but he was a jerk when he wasn't working a program. It's like they try to white knuckle it. And he doesn't have to. If he's working a program, with a good sponsor, he should be HAPPY! Deliverence from addiction is possible.

Pray for his deliverence. Pray for guidance (DO NOT PRAY FOR PATIENCE!!). Be safe. If you're in a dangerous situation, get help. God bless you guys!

 

[HumbleBee]

mkay!

First of all, you been sincerely loving and unconditionally forgiving, so you haven't done aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanything at all that been wrong. Your husband is a wolf and he probably came home late to miss your marriage counselling appointment...as he knows the evil he done to you and he can see how he has affected you...hence your pastor would immediately pick up on that somtin grievous has happened!

Your husband doesn't feel good about himself reflects directly on you...he tries to make you feel not good enough. He doesn't respect you because he doesn't respect himself. Certainly tiz no excuse, though maybe he was not respected in his past? Did he endure a tough childhood?...perfectionistic, dysfunctional parents? He obviously needs more help with his repressed anger issues...the enemy has a stronghold on him. So one might say that he is possessed by the devil, hence when you are genuinely loving towards him, even despite all his abuse, he be spiritually repelled as he gets deeply convicted...feels totally like a lowlife...making his pride rise up...turning him into a wolf...he then lashes out at your sore spots...to make you feel as low as he does...his abusing you gives him a false sense of authority and power, as does his trying to make you bend over backwards to win his elusive approval. Should be the other way around, him making every effort to be pleasing to you!

Your heartbreaking account is yet another I have read about...major abuse and then the next day the unremorseful wolf thinks all is well, so 'let's get frisky'...that is so maddening to me! Tiz not love, tiz for their own self-gratification!

Keep fighting the good fight of faith! Don't listen to the negative and lying barbs! The truth is you are a lovely, worthy person, full of Jesus! Your husband knows not how blessed he is to have been given such a precious gift as you! Encouraging you to stand up for God's righteousness and for your own self-respect!

Leaving, even just temporarily, right after he abused you would have been well-justified! For your own safety and that of your kids, please get professional advice to confirm what you should do.

Note: The Bible exhorts for a wife to submit to a LOVING hubby...thus making submission a delight! So when a husband is the exact opposite then the wife is certainly free to resist! An abusive husband soon be contending with God Most High!

God multiply His love, mercy, and peace to you mkay!

 

[Leanna]

Whew.... tough one.... I agree with the others, he MAY be back on drugs.... he also probably always needs to be on an anger management program. Its not something that just goes away never to return. You also should work on yourself where you can, I'm not saying you should stop being yourself or having rights, but soemtimes as spouses we have an extraorderinary ability to tick the other spouse off. I know I have this ability with my husband and sometimes I have caught myself doing it.... when I am maybe frustrated about something totally unrelated, I go about aggravating my husband... so make sure you aren't doing that.

 

[alwaysyoung]

MKay, My heart feels your despair. Anger is so deadly and destructive to all involved. I'm going to pray for you after I'm done writing this and send you a PM.
Lots of hugs,
Lisa

 

[gypsy-rose]

Well i may not be married but my mom goes though this same thing everynight so here's my thoughts from wacthing this stuff for years.

If you want him to respect you, you have to demand it, otherwise you'll never recieve it. My mother for years tried to "just go with it" and pray, everynight. She grew up with this mentality that your not suppose to stir the water and if your quiet it will change. It took about 4 years of me talking to my mother for her to see the stupidity in that thinking. (no offense). First you got to to relieze that demanding that he not get physical with you, is not causing trouble. Complaining that he left the toilet seat up is, but looking out for your saftety is not. If you yell at him angrily to not touch you, you would have done nothing wrong, but something right. Because in that moment you've set a boundary. And when he crosses that boundary do something or say something to make itclear to him that its unacceptable. For my mother it was moving out of the master into the one of the guestroom and keeping her door locked. She said what she wanted and had actions to back it up, and in the process i believe gained some respect. You have to tell him what you want and be fully prepared to back up whatever you say with your actions, otherwiset there is no point in saying it. I guess it works in the same way, where if my mother theartens to gound me than doesnt when i break a rule and so i just keep breaking them.

 

[firestar]

mkay I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever. My heart broke as I read your post. My sister is in an abusive relationship right now so I *see* the effects that this has in person. It's not always physical, it's sometimes ever more subtle and in my opinion more dangerous because the woman rationalizes it away saying "no one understands him but me" "I know the *real* him, the him that I know he has the potential to be", "he needs me", "it's my fault, I provoked him", "he's under a lot of stress" "no one else sees his good side" etc.. etc.. .

Hon, all the rationalizations in the world are NOT going to change his behaviour. Prayer is good, but your husband still has to acknowledge the problems that are his and work towards fixing them, he has a huge part to play in his own healing. I agree with another poster who said that the anger management should be ON GOING, as well as finding a support group for addictions. My bro-in law is also an addictive personality and I know he hides his usage very well. He'll seem to stop for long periods of time, and then it's right back to the verbal garbage and the physical stuff. My final piece of advice is to think about separation again. I'm not saying divorce, but for your safety you might want to have some space so that he can have time to think and truly heal.

 

[llghoney]

mkay,

As to I was reading your posts my heart was going out to you!!! I have to agree with the other posts in that you have to look after yourself & your child. But do not feel like you are alone in this. Feel free to PM if you need to talk. That is what christains are for to help one another. Especially in times of need. I will diffentely be praying for you & your family!!!

 

[SweetBella]

i just want you to know that you're in my prayers... i hate to mention this but the first thing i thought of after i read this was... could ge be back on the drugs, his behavior seem to be acting that way?

 

[Antoinette.Marie]

mkay:

My heart goes out to you!! I was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend a few years back. And while it is easy for people outside the situation to say "just leave him", it is very hard to do so. It took me THREE YEARS to finally get the courage to tell him to leave me alone.

My advice to you is something I wish I would have done: If you love this man and really, honestly and truly want it to work out with him, DRAG him to counseling! One session will NOT help him. And if he doesn't want to go, have the Pastor come to your house to do the session there. ANYTHING to get him to realize what he is doing. Right now, he seems to think that his behavior is OK, because you are letting him think that. DON'T KEEP QUIET!!! Voice your feelings!! It is not wrong to tell the man you love whom is supposed to love you that you are not happy and that he is hurting you. GET ANGRY!!! You have that right! You are not doing anything wrong by telling him that you do not feel "in the mood" because of his actions.

I hope some of this helps. Please PM me if you need advice from someone who has been down that road, and tried to make it work for three miserable years.

 

[stelow]

Delete

 

[Athene]

I was in an abusive relationship in my dark and distant past, my ex used to grab my arms and twist them round my back, he even did this when I was holding my daughter who was a few months old at the time, I dropped her on the floor and he didn't care, it was all 'my' fault of course.
He tried to strangle me, used to leave bruises on my arms and torsoe, never where they were visible, he used to call me a b***h and many other pleasant names, he used to say I was nothing.

My advice would be, do not stay in that abusive relationship. Put your safety and your childs safety first. If he loved you as much as you love him he would not treat you in that way.