Disaster marriage

[FrankS]

Hi, I'm new here and need advice. First my story. I'm male, 41 and live in Melbourne Australia. I was in church from 8 to 27 years of age but abandoned it 14 years ago (though not my core beliefs). I was away from God and living in pride, trying to succeed my way. Yet God never let me go.

In 2009 I found a wife in China from a dating site and went through the whole Visa and marriage thing with her. We were ok together, had many happy times and affection but God was not there. I love her with all my heart but last week she left me and its turning out that she was one of those women who use guys like us just get their Permanent Resident Visa (she got this in September last year).

I supported her in every way and financially for the first 15 months of our marriage but lost my job and started a new business that has struggled. The last 22 months has been largely her income supporting us both.

She left in a very cold way, and is quite hostile to me and my heart is broken. God has used this to turn me back to him anyway.

I don't want to divorce and I'm willing to work through the issues but she won't do this. She just says "Leave me alone so I can start MY new life". All our friends and family are shocked by what she has done(Helen is her name).

I want her back but I know that unless God transforms her heart and she repents, this can't happen. I pray every day and hope God saves her, but what do I do? If I let her go is this ok biblically? If she goes, can I remarry?

I'm devastated anyway, in every way. Please pray for us.

 

[If Not For Grace]

If she wants you to leave her alone-there's not alot you can do. The God of my understanding is a gentleman and gives us all free will. He will not force her to do anything anymore than He will you. I'm not sure if she married you under false pretenses or not but it is never adviseable to take a spouse and expect a marriage to work out "if God is not there". God does not bless a mess of our own making, but He will help you through it.

Pray for God's Will in your life and the power to carry that out.

 

[dayhiker]

Frank, welcome to CF. Especially welcome back to Jesus.

I agree with If Not For Grace in that she can do what she wants, she is free like you are free. 1 Cor.7 says if a unbelieving spouse departs that the believing spouse is free as well. But I would give her some time to turn back to you before you seek a new relationship.

Did you show respect for her Chinese culture?
Did you work to learn her language?
Did you get to know the woman inside her body?

 

[FrankS]

I respected her culture, holidays ans so forth but yes, I could have done better. One counsellor told me she has a sociopathic personality so it's a difficult situation yes. I tried to learn the language but could have done better, and I did try to see the woman inside, but so far all I can see is a very callous and evil person who will stop at nothing to get her way.

I know we have free will, but I also know God is powerful and he can convict her as he has done to me.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I wouldn't wait an awful long time. There are a number of people-- your wife appears to be one-- who will marry ANY American just to get into this country. One reason I won't even consider those foreign dating sites is just that. You read the nonsense about how the Filipino beauty is so unlike American women, she's sweet and docile and-- so on and so on-- until she gets here and gets her papers in order. Then-- we read a post like yours.

So, wait a little if you want but don't be surprised if things don't get better. I really think this is one of those situations where you're freed because the unbeliever left and refuses to stay with you.

 

[DZoolander]

Unless you live in a town with virtually nobody in it, I don't see how it's ever in any way a good idea to find a spouse like that.

 

[FrankS]

Can you explain more about the unbeliever leaving bit?

 

[ShainaBrina]

Under Roman law all that was necessary for people to become divorced was for them to live separately (or separate). So in 1 Cor.7 when Paul says let the unbeliever depart you are not bound to them... he is saying... the people under the Roman law are not operating by the law of God... just let them go and you are divorced. Under the law of Moses however a certificate of divorce had to be handed to the woman before she was put away.

Many churches look at this verse and say that if the other person left you then you are free to remarry. 'because you are not bound'

It's up to you to search the scriptures asking for revelation. Don't forget to check things against the Hebrew and Greek lexicons as many modern translations confuse putting away with divorce - there is a long history of cultural bias which has leaked into our interpretation. for example God allowed women to inherit and own property where as the western world did not.

 

[Messy]

If I let her go is this ok biblically? If she goes, can I remarry?

Yes, if the unbeliever wants to go, let her go. How can you know if you will save your spouse
My exhusband left because he hated my christianity and it was a clash between light and darkness. You can still pray for her. You can remarry, you're called to freedom, but if I were you, I'd wait until you're stable and healed up and not go rebounding and end up with a disaster.