Difficulties With Long Distance Relationship

[ToHoldNothing]

This is something of a layered question, but first, some background is pertinent.

I'm 24, I still live with my parents, I'm basically unemployed and I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl a few states over.To be specific, I am in Tennessee and she is in Texas. She's the same age, lives with her mother and grandmother and is trying to start up a small business. It’s not a huge business, it’s more like selling tea to people in packs and the like.

I didn’t want to mention this part of her situation at first, but I think letting you know she was recently diagnosed last year with bipolar disorder is part of how this relationship has become more difficult as well. Her grandmother also has dementia and is making things more stressful on her end. A friend of mine speculates that her grandmother having dementia may be a trigger to her bipolar episodes, which the lithium is not helping with, last she told me about a week ago or less.

We're still in the same time zone, so any difficulty of scheduling phone calls doesn't exist. But there is a difficulty that I still notice of communication. I've sent letters, but she hasn't responded to them. She has told me in phone calls that she has gotten them, in which case the problem there is postage cost, though I've heard this is not likely, since the cost isn't that big to respond to the 4 or 5 letters I've sent at the moment.

Another thing with calling on even the land line is that she said she’d call me back, but didn't, which bothers me slightly. There is always the possibility she is more interested in her friends as opposed to her “boyfriend”. She might’ve wanted to call me back, but she still hasn’t because she forgot, which is different than just being more focused on her friends.

On my end, it's not that I have financial obligations draining my money, it's that I don't have a steady source of income to get any money beyond the 5000 or so I've managed to keep in my bank account. My gf's problem, from what I understand, is that she has so many financial obligations she's sharing with her family, such as utilities and such, not to mention some payments for counseling, and she is basically unable to contact me through any means beyond phone conversations through a land line phone.She was in and out of jobs for a while, though now it could be another source (I don’t want to say welfare, though it could be conceivably part of it). She's had to change her cellphone multiple times because of this and now she's not even using a cellphone, from what I understand due to financial limits. I can call more than once a week, and I can send letters more often if necessary. She had a cellphone, but admittedly she might as well just not have one anymore at present. On the cellphone thing, even if she had a super cheap cellphone, the reception at my place is beyond crappy, I have to walk out to the driveway to even get a single bar or two, it’s finicky as a squirrel. There are difficulties on my end as well, though they would probably seem miniscule compared to the problems you see on her end. She has her own email address, by the way. It’s more a matter of her not always having the time to check it.

I wonder if travelling to spend some time with her is a good idea, which I've considered many times, though I neglected to mention I still don't have my license because I'm unmotivated. Though now should be a strong motivator to practice.

A lot of this relationship can probably be summed up with how we met, through an online site that's basically for teens now, called Tagged. We didn’t start off cyber-sexing, but it went to that and eventually she revealed that she was in another relationship with a guy that was away in Europe, though she was divided between us on her feelings. She has since dropped him, since he wasn’t willing to commit, so I wonder if she’s still having trouble with the background of that relationship, since it was long distance as well to a great extent. Again, this is tricky, since I don’t necessarily have a a friend on her side to check up on her, since that’s an important thing.

I don’t deny that I could find someone, but that last person before her is my best friend now and it will be difficult to move on from what has felt like a sure thing. My best friend is honestly the best girl I had met, but after eventually confirming from her that she’s not only a lesbian, but even if she was bisexual, she really only saw me as a brother. A lot of it is on my end, since I’m socially inept, like really socially inept. I have Asperger’s, which basically implies that my social skills don’t develop the same way as others and I can’t read social language the same way as others because of how my brain is wired.


My first question would be: What do you think about long distance relationships? I've heard the main two sides of it: one being that they are doomed to failure of one sort or another and the other being possibly what your perspective is: that the people in the relationship are what makes it work, even if it's long distance. Maybe you have a middle ground position between those two?

My second question is: Should I change anything about my methods of communication? Is sending letters on a monthly basis a good practice, perhaps bi monthly? Should I try calling her at least once a week, or should I expand that to short calls once a day to keep in touch? Email is tricky, since she has limitation on the time she can use email since it's shared as well, so that is almost out of the question, and as I said before, text messages can't really be done, since she doesn't have a cellphone.

A third question is a bit more personal, but I thought it would be relevant. My girlfriend has had boyfriends before and has had sex before, from what I have talked with her about it. I imagine many of you would see an automatic problem here, but do you think there is any way a virgin like myself can still remain in a committed relationship with someone who has had sex already? She is pretty much sexually inactive at the moment, from what I understand, but even assuming this, is there still a problem as long as she remains committed to me?


Final question would be, how do I go about breaking up with her, if worse comes to worse? I would feel awful to just leave her, especially with her situation in terms of relationships before me. Not to mention I broke up with my first real girlfriend of sorts in high school and it tore me apart inside. She's married and has improved greatly, but I just don't want to hurt someone like that again. What would be the best way to break up and still stay friends, for example?

P.S. I've gotten very strong advice to break up with her from another source, so that's why the final question changes gears so quickly.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Wow, this relationship you're in has so many red flags... where to start? I'll answer questions first, I guess.

My first question would be: What do you think about long distance relationships?

Myself and many others here have had successful LDRs which have worked out. They are much more difficult to maintain and require much more effort by both parties than a local one, which is why the majority of them simply don't last long, but there can be success with them if both parties are willing to work out issues and have the desire to make it work.

My second question is: Should I change anything about my methods of communication?

Yes, you should stop communicating. It sounds like you're the one doing all the effort in this relationship and that's not healthy. She can blame Bi-polar all she wants, but the reality is that if she had the interest, she would make it work. I've known many people who deal with this and it sounds like what she's doing, if she indeed blamed her lack of communication on it, is an excuse.

do you think there is any way a virgin like myself can still remain in a committed relationship with someone who has had sex already? She is pretty much sexually inactive at the moment, from what I understand, but even assuming this, is there still a problem as long as she remains committed to me?

She already admitted to being in a relationship some other guy while in a relationship with you. That would have been my first queue to high-tail it out because obviously she lacks that commitment you're looking for. Plus, by the sounds of it, it wouldn't surprise me much if she's sleeping with other guys where she lives. But to answer the actual question, virgins and non-virgins have successful relationships all the time. If you base the status of your relationship on the sexual history of the person you're with, then you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons and you need to figure out how to work past that.

Final question would be, how do I go about breaking up with her, if worse comes to worse?

Yes, this is something you need to do. In fact, of what you said, I've seen -0- reasons why you should actually stay in the relationship and put effort into working on it. Sure, it will sting a little, but by the sounds of it, she will be over it pretty quickly. The simple lack of effort and interest should be your first red flag.

Furthermore, you both need to work on yourselves before you consider getting in a relationship with another person. You simply have nothing to offer anyone. You're unemployed and unmotivated to change your situation, so how can you offer anything to anyone. You need to get your own life figured out before you walk into someone else's life to try and build something. She seems to have her own mess to deal with as it is and it's not really a healthy option to choose to stay involved with this situation.

 

[ToHoldNothing]

Wow, this relationship you're in has so many red flags... where to start?

You wouldn't be the first, though my best friend may also see these red flags. I'll PM you the link to the Youtube vid from the people who first gave me the advice you're giving me now.

Myself and many others here have had successful LDRs which have worked out. They are much more difficult to maintain and require much more effort by both parties than a local one, which is why the majority of them simply don't last long, but there can be success with them if both parties are willing to work out issues and have the desire to make it work.

This is what I've understood, and that is what makes the difficult, though not impossible.

Yes, you should stop communicating. It sounds like you're the one doing all the effort in this relationship and that's not healthy. She can blame Bi-polar all she wants, but the reality is that if she had the interest, she would make it work. I've known many people who deal with this and it sounds like what she's doing, if she indeed blamed her lack of communication on it, is an excuse.

I don't think she's ever blamed her bipolar disorder explicitly on her not communicating, though one could see her implicitly using it. She doesn't talk about it much with me though, so it's ambivalent to socially inept me. I have a friend who is dealing with it well, so I agree that she shouldn't use this as an excuse.

Problem is, stopping communication entirely seems discourteous to her feelings in at least some sense. I wouldn't want to stop being friends with her, since that doesn't imply the same kind of commitment as a romantic relationship would, and I still would want to be a support for her in some way, even if it wouldn't be in a romantic sense.

She already admitted to being in a relationship some other guy while in a relationship with you. That would have been my first queue to high-tail it out because obviously she lacks that commitment you're looking for. Plus, by the sounds of it, it wouldn't surprise me much if she's sleeping with other guys where she lives. But to answer the actual question, virgins and non-virgins have successful relationships all the time. If you base the status of your relationship on the sexual history of the person you're with, then you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons and you need to figure out how to work past that.

Don't you mean cue, lol? And that indeed is something others have advised me about in the past, from what I recall. Why would you think she's sleeping with other guys where she lives from the information I've given you? I don't see the hints you see, so perhaps you could spell it out for me, since, as I've mentioned, I'm slow on the uptake with these clues.

I don't base the status of my relationship on this, it's merely something that concerns me in part, similar to what one would be concerned about with religious beliefs, which, ironically, we click with pretty well from what I understand. But, of course, that shouldn't be the end all of determining whether a relationship will work or not.

Yes, this is something you need to do. In fact, of what you said, I've seen -0- reasons why you should actually stay in the relationship and put effort into working on it. Sure, it will sting a little, but by the sounds of it, she will be over it pretty quickly. The simple lack of effort and interest should be your first red flag.

You haven't exactly suggested a way to do it, though. I can agree with you that this could be the best course of action, but I'd want to spare her feelings in some way and,as mentioned above, stay friends with her as a support, since she needs someone, though she has other friends locally.

Furthermore, you both need to work on yourselves before you consider getting in a relationship with another person. You simply have nothing to offer anyone. You're unemployed and unmotivated to change your situation, so how can you offer anything to anyone. You need to get your own life figured out before you walk into someone else's life to try and build something. She seems to have her own mess to deal with as it is and it's not really a healthy option to choose to stay involved with this situation.

Unemployed, yes, unmotivated, I don't think so. I realize I need to work on things, it's more a time management thing, which is an entirely new thread on its own.

Again, you suggest the course of action, but not how to proceed with it in a tactful manner, which is the more important half of the answer to the question, seems to me. Thank you for the advice, though.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

You wouldn't be the first, though my best friend may also see these red flags. I'll PM you the link to the Youtube vid from the people who first gave me the advice you're giving me now.

Had to turn the video off about 5 minutes in. They were giving me a headache.

Problem is, stopping communication entirely seems discourteous to her feelings in at least some sense. I wouldn't want to stop being friends with her, since that doesn't imply the same kind of commitment as a romantic relationship would, and I still would want to be a support for her in some way, even if it wouldn't be in a romantic sense.

Except that it's more difficult to be in that situation than you think. It's easy to slip up and back into it after being in that type of relationship if you remain friends and continue conversation, though by the sounds of it, the conversation seems to be fairly non-existent to begin with, so you're not really losing much in the way of that. However, you need to do what is best for both of you, and if that means ending communication in all forms for a while, then so be it.

Don't you mean cue, lol? And that indeed is something others have advised me about in the past, from what I recall. Why would you think she's sleeping with other guys where she lives from the information I've given you? I don't see the hints you see, so perhaps you could spell it out for me, since, as I've mentioned, I'm slow on the uptake with these clues.

I don't base the status of my relationship on this, it's merely something that concerns me in part, similar to what one would be concerned about with religious beliefs, which, ironically, we click with pretty well from what I understand. But, of course, that shouldn't be the end all of determining whether a relationship will work or not.

No, I meant queue.
And I would think that because, based on what is going on with you talking to her very little and with her having already admitting to being in another relationship that is very similar to the one you're in now, in which she was probably doing a lot of the same things with him that she has done with you, it's a high probability. The reality is you don't know what's going on in her week, only what she chooses to tell you.

There lies the other danger of internet and long distant relationships... we are who we want to be and what we want others to see. For all you know, she could be a completely different person in reality. She shows you what she wants you to see and nothing more.

You haven't exactly suggested a way to do it, though. I can agree with you that this could be the best course of action, but I'd want to spare her feelings in some way and,as mentioned above, stay friends with her as a support, since she needs someone, though she has other friends locally.

There is no guide to everything. Some things you need to figure out on your own as well. However, if I were in your position, I would set my feelings aside because they often get in the way of what needs to be done for the greater good of myself and the other person, and just lay it on the line. I'd tell her exactly how I feel about the situation and that it can't continue and I need to break all communication because the relationship is unhealthy and that I wouldn't want to put myself in a position where I might find it harder over time to release myself from it.

But that's just what I'd do simply because I don't believe in beating around the bush for the sake of someone's feelings, especially when continuing it means it will only be more painful later on.

Unemployed, yes, unmotivated, I don't think so. I realize I need to work on things, it's more a time management thing, which is an entirely new thread on its own.

Again, you suggest the course of action, but not how to proceed with it in a tactful manner, which is the more important half of the answer to the question, seems to me. Thank you for the advice, though.

I'm just going by what you said which was that you were too unmotivated to get your license, so it's easy for one to assume that lack of motivation extends beyond that. None-the-less, the point is the same: you need to get yourself situated around in your own life before you can attempt to spend energy trying to work on a relationship involving someone else. If you're on a road to nowhere, you don't want to drag someone on that road with you.

As for the answer, I posted how I would do it, but you're not me. It's really something you need to figure out for yourself because no one can make this decision for you nor hold your hand through the process. You're old enough to make these decisions on your own like an adult, so have at it. Good luck, mate.

 

[ToHoldNothing]

Had to turn the video off about 5 minutes in. They were giving me a headache.

Are you sure it was both of them or just the girl? Because I could understand if the girl was giving you a headache, though I didn't get a headache. I don't get them much in general. Maybe you could elaborate on that, since I apparently have more patience than I give myself credit for with things that would make other people scream, lol.

Except that it's more difficult to be in that situation than you think. It's easy to slip up and back into it after being in that type of relationship if you remain friends and continue conversation, though by the sounds of it, the conversation seems to be fairly non-existent to begin with, so you're not really losing much in the way of that. However, you need to do what is best for both of you, and if that means ending communication in all forms for a while, then so be it.

Did I mention my lesbian friend who I had a strong crush on and have already long established mere friendship and platonic relationships with her? How do you know this is different fundamentally except in the fact that we haven't met face to face? I can see that as a problem, but at the same time, it's not as if we don't have a connection as friends first and foremost. Ceasing communication in all forms for a time, like a trial separation of people to have them work on themselves is not a bad thing and in fact that was advised to me by the people in the video, particularly the girl. She said I should concentrate on myself first before trying to look for a girl.

And I would think that because, based on what is going on with you talking to her very little and with her having already admitting to being in another relationship that is very similar to the one you're in now, in which she was probably doing a lot of the same things with him that she has done with you, it's a high probability. The reality is you don't know what's going on in her week, only what she chooses to tell you.

That's true, but if there is the change of opening up, I don't see why the relationship can't be salvaged, either in romantic terms or if not possible there, at least salvaged as a friendship of support; because she needs it and heck, she has a connection to me anyway in that I have Aspergers and her youngest brother has also been diagnosed, so there's a relation of my manifestation as an Aspie and her brother's, though I could be speculating.

There lies the other danger of internet and long distant relationships... we are who we want to be and what we want others to see. For all you know, she could be a completely different person in reality. She shows you what she wants you to see and nothing more.

If it was just an internet relationship, I could see your problem pretty clearly, but with cellphone conversations, there's at least part of the mystery lost. But people can still be willfully deceptive there, I don't deny that. But regardless, I don't think she would be manipulating me necessarily. However, with what she's told me, you would be right to be partly suspicious. She was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but it wasn't something that was there from the beginning. Her grandmother has dementia, but again, this is not something she established from the beginning. Some of this really seems like she's opening up to someone she trusts, but it COULD be manipulation, I don't deny that possibility.

There is no guide to everything. Some things you need to figure out on your own as well. However, if I were in your position, I would set my feelings aside because they often get in the way of what needs to be done for the greater good of myself and the other person, and just lay it on the line. I'd tell her exactly how I feel about the situation and that it can't continue and I need to break all communication because the relationship is unhealthy and that I wouldn't want to put myself in a position where I might find it harder over time to release myself from it.

I've been in hard relationships like this before, as with my friend, especially before I explicitly heard from her lips that she was a lesbian, not bisexual. There were other things as well. And with my first girlfriend, it was similar in that we remained friends, but there wasn't the tension that you seem to imply would be there. Of course, you would point out the obvious difference with both of these in that there is explicit face to face interaction, so that is indeed an important consideration.

But that's just what I'd do simply because I don't believe in beating around the bush for the sake of someone's feelings, especially when continuing it means it will only be more painful later on.

Pain is a part of life. If we suffer now or suffer later, it doesn't mean one suffering was unexpected and the other was. With relationships, there shouldn't be expectations that are unrealistic in terms of one separation being any easier than another.

I'm just going by what you said which was that you were too unmotivated to get your license, so it's easy for one to assume that lack of motivation extends beyond that. None-the-less, the point is the same: you need to get yourself situated around in your own life before you can attempt to spend energy trying to work on a relationship involving someone else. If you're on a road to nowhere, you don't want to drag someone on that road with you.

I agree wholeheartedly. I'm ironically thinking that it might come to my parents eventually setting me up with someone, which is a BIG gamble anyway, but again, that's another topic entirely: arranged marriages/blind dates.

As for the answer, I posted how I would do it, but you're not me. It's really something you need to figure out for yourself because no one can make this decision for you nor hold your hand through the process. You're old enough to make these decisions on your own like an adult, so have at it. Good luck, mate.

Like I said, this isn't something that should be handled lightly, but it shouldn't be done alone. I don't see how me seeking advise is equated with me wanting someone to coddle me or "hold my hand" through it. If I feel uncertain or inept at something, is it bad to seek advise from someone more experienced and that I trust?

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Except that you're not looking for advice in this. It seems more like you're simply looking for an excuse to continue and not feel shame about doing so with your constant argumentative rebuttaling every comment made on the situation by someone who has been in similar situations before and already knows the outcome of how toxic relationships like this can be.

In the end, you will do what you want to do, but I've said my piece on it, so there is nothing more to really say. Good luck.

 

[Luther073082]

A lot of issues here. . . but starting with questions.

My first question would be: What do you think about long distance relationships? I've heard the main two sides of it: one being that they are doomed to failure of one sort or another and the other being possibly what your perspective is: that the people in the relationship are what makes it work, even if it's long distance. Maybe you have a middle ground position between those two?

Have you two met? Look I have nothing against long distance relationships at all. My wife and I where LDR up til we got married. I was in Northern Indiana and she was in Northern Florida.

But the thing is that we met in person and visited eachother about once every 2 months.

I don't consider a relationship to be "for real" if you will if you havn't at least met the person in person.

My second question is: Should I change anything about my methods of communication? Is sending letters on a monthly basis a good practice, perhaps bi monthly? Should I try calling her at least once a week, or should I expand that to short calls once a day to keep in touch? Email is tricky, since she has limitation on the time she can use email since it's shared as well, so that is almost out of the question, and as I said before, text messages can't really be done, since she doesn't have a cellphone.

I don't understand why you can't call and talk daily. The letters are a bit old fashioned. . . I never sent my wife a single letter in our entire relationship. I sent her E-mails, and I sent gifts to her via UPS. . . but I never just wrote her a letter and mailed it.

I have no problem with you doing this, it just seems old fashioned.

A third question is a bit more personal, but I thought it would be relevant. My girlfriend has had boyfriends before and has had sex before, from what I have talked with her about it. I imagine many of you would see an automatic problem here, but do you think there is any way a virgin like myself can still remain in a committed relationship with someone who has had sex already? She is pretty much sexually inactive at the moment, from what I understand, but even assuming this, is there still a problem as long as she remains committed to me?

Not as long as she is committed to now not having sex. As long as you are ok with it, then you should be fine.

Final question would be, how do I go about breaking up with her, if worse comes to worse? I would feel awful to just leave her, especially with her situation in terms of relationships before me. Not to mention I broke up with my first real girlfriend of sorts in high school and it tore me apart inside. She's married and has improved greatly, but I just don't want to hurt someone like that again. What would be the best way to break up and still stay friends, for example?

No staying friends hurts things worse, do a clean break and avoid contact.

Now for the rest of it. . .

I'm 24, I still live with my parents, I'm basically unemployed and I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl a few states over.To be specific, I am in Tennessee and she is in Texas. She's the same age, lives with her mother and grandmother and is trying to start up a small business. It’s not a huge business, it’s more like selling tea to people in packs and the like.

I don't like this. . . sometimes small businesses are real things but a lot of times people use them as excuses for not working. . . Let me guess. . . this is an internet company right?

As for you. . . get out and get a job. I have nothing against you living with your parents at 24. . . I did. But I had a job and was working full time too. You really need to get a job.

I didn’t want to mention this part of her situation at first, but I think letting you know she was recently diagnosed last year with bipolar disorder is part of how this relationship has become more difficult as well. Her grandmother also has dementia and is making things more stressful on her end. A friend of mine speculates that her grandmother having dementia may be a trigger to her bipolar episodes, which the lithium is not helping with, last she told me about a week ago or less.

If you love her thats great, but bipolar can be rough, so you better understand what it is you are going to dealing with.

We're still in the same time zone, so any difficulty of scheduling phone calls doesn't exist. But there is a difficulty that I still notice of communication. I've sent letters, but she hasn't responded to them. She has told me in phone calls that she has gotten them, in which case the problem there is postage cost, though I've heard this is not likely, since the cost isn't that big to respond to the 4 or 5 letters I've sent at the moment.

Personally I think the letters are a bit on the old fashioned side. . . I mean I don't have a problem with you sending them, but I can sort of understand why she might not take the time to write back. If postage cost is really the issue then there is a major problem. Its 44 cents for a stamp.

Another thing with calling on even the land line is that she said she’d call me back, but didn't, which bothers me slightly. There is always the possibility she is more interested in her friends as opposed to her “boyfriend”. She might’ve wanted to call me back, but she still hasn’t because she forgot, which is different than just being more focused on her friends.

This is a major red flag. . . Look forgetting to call you back once or being side tracked once or a few times is one thing. But when it happens a lot then it shows a complete lack of dedication to the relationship.

On my end, it's not that I have financial obligations draining my money, it's that I don't have a steady source of income to get any money beyond the 5000 or so I've managed to keep in my bank account. My gf's problem, from what I understand, is that she has so many financial obligations she's sharing with her family, such as utilities and such, not to mention some payments for counseling, and she is basically unable to contact me through any means beyond phone conversations through a land line phone. She was in and out of jobs for a while, though now it could be another source (I don’t want to say welfare, though it could be conceivably part of it). She's had to change her cellphone multiple times because of this and now she's not even using a cellphone, from what I understand due to financial limits. I can call more than once a week, and I can send letters more often if necessary. She had a cellphone, but admittedly she might as well just not have one anymore at present. On the cellphone thing, even if she had a super cheap cellphone, the reception at my place is beyond crappy, I have to walk out to the driveway to even get a single bar or two, it’s finicky as a squirrel. There are difficulties on my end as well, though they would probably seem miniscule compared to the problems you see on her end. She has her own email address, by the way. It’s more a matter of her not always having the time to check it.

A lot of red flags about her life. . . being in and out of jobs is a major one. This may be caused by her bipolar, but she has to learn to deal with it.

I wonder if travelling to spend some time with her is a good idea, which I've considered many times, though I neglected to mention I still don't have my license because I'm unmotivated. Though now should be a strong motivator to practice.

Like this is a problem. . . A MAJOR problem, you shouldn't need a girlfriend to motivate you to get off your rear and learn to drive. In this country its almost a requirement for an adult life that you be able to drive a car. The fact that you are 24 years old and havn't gone about getting your driver's license because you are unmotivated sounds like a major personal issue. I'm guessing part of the reason you don't have a job is because you are unmotivated.

This is going to sound mean but I only mean it in love because you need to hear it. . . Get off your rear. . . YESTERDAY. I've never met in person anyone who was 24 years old and didn't have a license. And thats not because its like "driving is the cool thing to do." Driving is something you need to do in order to function as an adult in this country.

Also take it from me having been driving for 13 years in October. . . As a new driver you don't want to or need to be taking a trip from Texas to Tennesseee with your license just hot off the presses. People who just got their license taking long distance car trips to places they have never been before is a receipe for disaster. Get some experience behind the wheel first.

A lot of this relationship can probably be summed up with how we met, through an online site that's basically for teens now, called Tagged. We didn’t start off cyber-sexing, but it went to that and eventually she revealed that she was in another relationship with a guy that was away in Europe, though she was divided between us on her feelings. She has since dropped him, since he wasn’t willing to commit, so I wonder if she’s still having trouble with the background of that relationship, since it was long distance as well to a great extent. Again, this is tricky, since I don’t necessarily have a a friend on her side to check up on her, since that’s an important thing.

I don't like the sounds of this at all. And most of all it sounds like you havn't even met.

I don’t deny that I could find someone, but that last person before her is my best friend now and it will be difficult to move on from what has felt like a sure thing. My best friend is honestly the best girl I had met, but after eventually confirming from her that she’s not only a lesbian, but even if she was bisexual, she really only saw me as a brother. A lot of it is on my end, since I’m socially inept, like really socially inept.

I very well could have guessed that.

I have Asperger’s, which basically implies that my social skills don’t develop the same way as others and I can’t read social language the same way as others because of how my brain is wired.

I could have guessed that too. But listen, you can't use that as an excuse to hide yourself away. We don't get to choose the cards we're delt, and in your case you may have been delt a tough hand. But a tough hand doesn't give excuse to not doing anything with it. And I just don't sense that you are trying to live a normal life.

 

[ToHoldNothing]

Except that you're not looking for advice in this. It seems more like you're simply looking for an excuse to continue and not feel shame about doing so with your constant argumentative rebuttaling every comment made on the situation by someone who has been in similar situations before and already knows the outcome of how toxic relationships like this can be.

In the end, you will do what you want to do, but I've said my piece on it, so there is nothing more to really say. Good luck.

I didn't deny there were problems here, but I was commenting that you were being too simplistic in the solution to the problem. Your advice is nonetheless appreciated, but it seems far too focused on expediency and not possessing of any empathy towards the human aspect of this situation on both sides.

 

[ToHoldNothing]

Have you two met? Look I have nothing against long distance relationships at all. My wife and I where LDR up til we got married. I was in Northern Indiana and she was in Northern Florida.

But the thing is that we met in person and visited eachother about once every 2 months.

I don't consider a relationship to be "for real" if you will if you havn't at least met the person in person.

We've wanted to, but financial limitations are what's preventing us, as you can imagine. I agree and that's always been a lingering sentiment in my mind.

I don't understand why you can't call and talk daily. The letters are a bit old fashioned. . . I never sent my wife a single letter in our entire relationship. I sent her E-mails, and I sent gifts to her via UPS. . . but I never just wrote her a letter and mailed it.

I have no problem with you doing this, it just seems old fashioned.

When you have little other recourse, considering email response is difficult for her with shared computer and being very busy. Of course, a lot of this becomes little more than an excuse on her part, which, again, concerns me.

Not as long as she is committed to now not having sex. As long as you are ok with it, then you should be fine.

From what I understand, being socially inept still, that is her committment.

No staying friends hurts things worse, do a clean break and avoid contact.

I've said it before, but again, you can comment that we had been friends before in the last two instances of staying friends, so it wasn't as much of a problem. We weren't explicitly involved romantically all the time before we became a couple, so I don't see how this isn't similar to the previous two relationships in some sense.

I don't like this. . . sometimes small businesses are real things but a lot of times people use them as excuses for not working. . . Let me guess. . . this is an internet company right?

As for you. . . get out and get a job. I have nothing against you living with your parents at 24. . . I did. But I had a job and was working full time too. You really need to get a job.

It's online, but it's not as if she hasn't had jobs before. She was let go from previous jobs for various reasons, so it's more like the opportunities aren't there for her now.

And as for me, it's not as if I'm not trying, but again, the opportunities just seem to not be there. Part of the problem is not having a license, so there isn't the option of going beyond my hometown, but again, this is just me being inept in general. But I'm descending into self-loathing, so I'll stop there.

If you love her thats great, but bipolar can be rough, so you better understand what it is you are going to dealing with.

True. I've had at least one friend with it,but admittedly there are variants of it, and I'd need to confirm what form she has.

Personally I think the letters are a bit on the old fashioned side. . . I mean I don't have a problem with you sending them, but I can sort of understand why she might not take the time to write back. If postage cost is really the issue then there is a major problem. Its 44 cents for a stamp.

So you argue she merely finds it awkward to reply back to them, more than not having the time to write back?

This is a major red flag. . . Look forgetting to call you back once or being side tracked once or a few times is one thing. But when it happens a lot then it shows a complete lack of dedication to the relationship.

She hasn't said she'll call me back much. Usually we finish the conversation.

A lot of red flags about her life. . . being in and out of jobs is a major one. This may be caused by her bipolar, but she has to learn to deal with it.

It's a catch 22, almost. Her grandmother having dementia might be part of the trigger to it, since she's so unpredictable now and yet she isn't able to be independent from her mother and grandmother's house, so she's stuck in a loop, it seems.

Like this is a problem. . . A MAJOR problem, you shouldn't need a girlfriend to motivate you to get off your rear and learn to drive. In this country its almost a requirement for an adult life that you be able to drive a car. The fact that you are 24 years old and havn't gone about getting your driver's license because you are unmotivated sounds like a major personal issue. I'm guessing part of the reason you don't have a job is because you are unmotivated.

You wouldn't be the first to say it, about the license, minus the unmotivated part.

This is going to sound mean but I only mean it in love because you need to hear it. . . Get off your rear. . . YESTERDAY. I've never met in person anyone who was 24 years old and didn't have a license. And thats not because its like "driving is the cool thing to do." Driving is something you need to do in order to function as an adult in this country.

I wouldn't want to use my Aspergers' as an excuse, but it could be contributing in a mild sense, if nothing else. Also, there is the obvious route of blaming my parents, right, lol?

Also take it from me having been driving for 13 years in October. . . As a new driver you don't want to or need to be taking a trip from Texas to Tennesseee with your license just hot off the presses. People who just got their license taking long distance car trips to places they have never been before is a receipe for disaster. Get some experience behind the wheel first.

That wouldn't be my first instinct. Not to mention I don't have my own car, as would be implied. The fact that the cars are shared makes the whole thing more problematic on my part, as I feel like I shouldn't impose. It's more catch 22; if I had the money for my own car, this wouldn't be a problem, but you need a job to get that kind of money saved up.

I don't like the sounds of this at all. And most of all it sounds like you havn't even met.

I thought I had already implied that part. We've spoken online and through cellphone/phone conversations, but I answered an earlier question in the affirmative that we hadn't met face to face yet.

I very well could have guessed that.

I dunno whether to take that as a back handed compliment or just take it as it is. Ambivalent to me, lol.

I could have guessed that too. But listen, you can't use that as an excuse to hide yourself away. We don't get to choose the cards we're delt, and in your case you may have been delt a tough hand. But a tough hand doesn't give excuse to not doing anything with it. And I just don't sense that you are trying to live a normal life.

Normal is practically relative to the individual when you think about it. Not everyone is able to get opportunities, not everyone is so strong willed to go out there and do anything. I'm not completely inactive, but I can't even seem to get my foot in the door, so to speak, since I don't even completely have the qualities for a job you'd expect from my major (religion). It's not as if I don't understand that I have a "rough" hand dealt me, I just don't know what to do with it, even if I am motivated to action in some way.

 

[Dyingdaily0023]

Aside from any excuse or beating around the bush... Don't let her situation or conditions guilt you into being with her, that's not right and not fare to you.... this doesn't sound good for you or anyone for that matter.... do you really think God would ask you to go through this much to get with the person you are meant to be with?

You being 24 and unemployed don't sound like you have your life in order to handle any relationship right now either, you need to get your own life straight before you can ever give yourself to someone else and that is the straight truth man.




Just buckle down and do it. Pray for Gods strength... as I've read on here it seems like it isn't a healthy relationship in the first place and will only hinder you from achieving God's calling in your life. Even worse, the longer you wait the worse the situation will turn out... trust me it will always hurt and never be fun but the more time that goes by the longer you're raising your chances of her dumping you first which, even if you wanted to split up, will hurt a lot more.

Be honest, tell her, on the phone, that the distance won't work... that's that.

There is never an easy way to go about breaking up with someone.

Ways NOT to do it: Text, email, voice mail message, etc.

Actually, you should be glad its long distance... even though I'm sure you have feelings for this person, if God doesn't think you are good for each other... you're in for a lot of long drawn out pain and emotional suffering that will come to the point where you will want to die than be with this person any longer. The distance at least makes it so you don't have to muster the strength to do face to face. Which is extremely hard and hurts and can end violently or horribly. So seriously pray ask God what he thinks and he will show you. And truly be honest and ask yourself.... "Is this relationship good for me or this person?"


God bless and good luck.

 

[ToHoldNothing]

Aside from any excuse or beating around the bush... this doesn't sound good for you.... do you really think God would ask you to go through this much to get with the person you are meant to be with?

I don't think much of God in my life in any real sense, so to answer your question frankly and honestly, I don't care. Even if God was involved and was real in some sense, I don't think I'd need to complicate this already multifaceted human relationship and situation with contemplating what God thinks. Just to be honest, not to be obnoxious. I thought the Buddhist icon gave the indication that I didn't believe in God, lol.

Be honest, tell her, on the phone, that the distance won't work... that's that.

To be fair, it's not the distance that's killing the relationship, even the other people in this topic aren't saying that is the primary problem. What's breaking the relationship apart is the lack of responsiveness and communication from one side of the partnership. I could live with the distance and work hard to get to a point where I could meet with her, as long as we kept in touch and were honest with each other. But if she can't, I can agree that it would make the relationship not work

There is never an easy way to go about breaking up with someone.

Ways NOT to do it: Text, email, voice mail message, etc.

I agree. I've had to break up with someone before and it was good that we were close enough in high school that it wasn't a problem and we communicated through the phone and then broke it off that way and the subsequently in school when she was trying to rekindle it.

Just buckle down and do it. Pray for Gods strength... as I've read on here it seems like it isn't a healthy relationship in the first place and will only hinder you from achieving God's calling in your life. Even worse, the longer you wait the worse the situation will turn out... trust me it will always hurt and never be fun but the more time that goes by the longer you're raising your chances of her dumping you first which, even if you wanted to split up, will hurt a lot more.

Two things: I don't technically pray and I don't believe in God strengthening me anyway. Any strength I get is from supportive humans, like yourself, even if you're also trying to involve God.

Actually, you should be glad its long distance... even though I'm sure you have feelings for this person, if God doesn't think you are good for each other... you're in for a lot of long drawn out pain and emotional suffering that will come to the point where you will want to die than be with this person any longer. The distance at least makes it so you don't have to muster the strength to do face to face. Which is extremely hard and hurts and can end violently or horribly. So seriously pray ask God what he thinks and he will show you. And truly be honest and ask yourself.... "Is this relationship good for me or this person?"

I can accept that this relationship might not be all I made it out to be in my hopes of sorts. Part of that involves my Buddhism, but also probably just my nature of accepting things as emotionally destructive and such without the need for huge amounts of time to recover.

I've lost both my grandfathers within a year of each other, I've lost a beloved family cat and all these times, I accepted it somberly and with little real sorrow that was manifest to others. Maybe I'm just resigned and aloof in that sense. Again, I won't ask God, but I will ask that question on human based terms. "Will the relationship be beneficial for both of us as a partnership, as a couple?"

 

[Dyingdaily0023]

Are you here for advice? OR just to strengthen your position of doing nothing about your problems...

because it all sounds like an emotional self pity fest to me, not to be obnoxious.... whether you believe in God or not doesn't really hold any baring on how completely and utterly unhealthy this sounds for any person.... you can be an atheist for all I care but this just sounds silly....

You shouldn't be in any relationship that sounds like this....

God aside than.... What would you tell someone else if they came up to you and said this is what they were dealing with.... ?

realistically... if you want to go ahead with it... go ahead with it... if you want to stay with her stay with her... don't waste people's time and asking them questions that go no where and end in endless nonsense conversations that don't add or subtract from your situation.

You sound like you already have made your decision. So unless you really want help... like I said above... don't waste peoples time.

 

[ToHoldNothing]

Are you here for advice? OR just to strengthen your position of doing nothing about your problems...

I'm not trying to defend inaction on this issue, I'm just saying that sometimes the advice includes things that are unnecessary for the advice itself. And I doubt you could be certain I'm doing nothing about this situation, since there's plenty of time in between me typing responses to do various things about this problem.

because it all sounds like an emotional self pity fest to me, not to be obnoxious.... whether you believe in God or not doesn't really hold any baring on how completely and utterly unhealthy this sounds for any person.... you can be an atheist for all I care but this just sounds silly....

I don't deny that the relationship has problems, but I wonder why you even bothered to bring God into this if you yourself admit it doesn't matter to the question of whether the relationship has problems or can work.

You shouldn't be in any relationship that sounds like this....

This isn't like a regular relationship. If we were close enough and had a face to face relationship, the signs would already be there, but we didn't always have problems communicating on a relatively common basis. She lost her job and is having difficulties getting one again, which I think is part of it, but being diagnosed with bipolar disorder may very well have exacerbated the stress in some sense. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, I'm just observing what I'm relatively certain of.

God aside than.... What would you tell someone else if they came up to you and said this is what they were dealing with.... ?

That seems like a pointless reversal of the question. I came for advice, so why would you expect I would even trust myself to give relationship advice to others?

realistically... if you want to go ahead with it... go ahead with it... if you want to stay with her stay with her... don't waste people's time and asking them questions that go no where and end in endless nonsense conversations that don't add or subtract from your situation.

The questions aren't going nowhere if we're still talking, though you seem to be the one that wants to end the conversation, so I wonder why you even bothered to respond if you didn't want to try to get the last word in on some level.

You sound like you already have made your decision. So unless you really want help... like I said above... don't waste peoples time.

What I sound like to you doesn't necessarily reflect reality. I'm thinking long and hard about this before I jump to any decision. I'm not so impulsive that I'd go with a gut instinct without consulting both myself and others in considering what is both practical and reasonable to the situation.