Difficult parent of girlfriend

[sparkydave]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. Even before I met her folks she warned me her dad is an unusual character. For lack of a better description, just think "Archie Bunker" from "All In The Family". He has no filter on what comes out of his mouth, and by his own admission once told his own daughter she was too fat to try out for cheerleading. She's 40 now and still frets about that. He even admits some of the things he says would probably get him beat up if he opened his mouth around the wrong people.

I don't dislike him, he seems to think I'm an OK guy and that I treat his daughter well. We once chatted about old British sports cars since I have one and he used to have one. Her mother is the complete opposite to him, she's always happy to see me and thinks her daughter found a great guy. I've heard her nag him about some of the things he says too. This weekend was his birthday, and my girlfriend and her mom thought it was very thoughtful that I gifted him a bottle of his favorite scotch since they invited me to his party. To which he said thanks, and that it makes up for having to sit through the community theater play I was just in, which all of them came to see. His wife rolled her eyes and said that he had asked to come, so I can't tell if he was just teasing or not.

Only thing that really bugs me about him is he seems to think her 10 and 11 year old sons need to "man up" quickly. Her youngest has some panic attacks, which even my girlfriend agrees seem a little blown out of proportion. He's going through counseling and getting better about them, but grampa is very blunt about he should just get over it and "man up". Her oldest has a stuffed toy animal, which drives grampa up the wall because "real men don't have stuffed toy animals". Grandma, his mom, and I don't see a problem, and he's going through counseling as well.

Any tips? I'm still trying to get used to him.

 

[Cearbhall]

Any tips? I'm still trying to get used to him.

It seems like one of those tricky situations where you have to respect the person to his face without actually heeding his advice behind his back. It sounds like you see the situation for what it is and are dealing with it well.

 

[redblue22]

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[TheOliveSeed]

I think you've been dealing with him well. He does seem like a tease, so I wouldn't take his comments to heart. Not keen on his comments to his 10 and 11-yr old grandkids to man up and that real men don't behave a certain way, though. But if they're aware of his personality and know grandpa's just being grandpa, maybe it won't affect them negatively.

 

[blackribbon]

You aren't going to change him. Nothing you say is going to change him. You don't have that kind of control. So the best you can do is be supportive of the boys...maybe share a story from your childhood that shows that you relate and have turned out to be be a decent adult person anyway. Your girlfriends kids have already survived either a divorce or a life with no father...they have been through things that grandpa can't even understand. Maybe the thing is to remind him (or them) that they aren't "men" yet...and there is time enough to be a grown man when they get a few years older.

As a dating visitor to this family, you really aren't in a place to say too much. Personally, I'd probably bring a pair of the boys underwear to the grand father and ask him to put these on....which I imagine are microscopic compared to his and say "when the boys are big enough that you can wear their underwear, I will expect them to "man up"..as long as they are wearing "boys" sized underwear, they will be allowed to "be boys". "