I've had flashbacks off and on through my whole adult life. Nearly always, they were related to being abused by my step-dad as a teen. It was like the past reality would overlay the present reality, and I would have to deal with both realities at the same time (usually happens during intimate times with my DH, so both layers are intense but polar opposites).
Through some counseling and prayer with a couple of my pastors, I started getting some relief from those flashbacks this past spring. DH and I had taken a little time off of "intimacy" so that I could go through some healing, and we were gradually getting back into it.
Then one night, I had a completely different experience. This time it wasn't really two "realities" so much as it was two "me's" in the same reality. Instead of the past overlaying the present, it was like I became a younger version of me but I was still experiencing the present fully.
So before, there would be times where DH and I were together, and I would "see" my step-dad in the same place and doing the same things to me that DH was doing. But it was the "now-me" experiencing this dual reality (which is bad enough, but at least I was an adult-self with some emotional maturity and perspective to work with).
This time, my step-dad was not there. It was just DH. But I felt like I suddenly became a 6 or 7 year old little girl in that place with DH. Even though what we were doing was nothing extreme, to a 6-year-old, it's devastating. The grown-up me was also there on the outside, covering for the trauma being inflicted inside. But my primary consciousness was as a little girl, and the destruction, fear, and trauma of those few moments have sent me in a tailspin for several weeks now. I spent several days just in shock, it took weeks before I finally emailed my pastors to tell them that anything at all had happened, and another couple of weeks before I found any words to begin to describe the event.
Have you read the book Cross Roads? Imagine being a 6-year-old transported into an adult's body while doing adult-type things. There's no turning away from the "windows", and there's no maturity or perspective with which to understand what is happening. You don't know how you're seeing an adult's leg on your body. You don't know why this man is doing this to you. You don't have any choice, you just feel extremely violated and terrified and panicked, and you can't even yell out--you're just frozen into that place.
So I've been searching online trying to find descriptions of this kind of flashback and can't find anything. Like I said, my "normal" flashbacks have been like dual realities being experienced by the one me. But this time it was more like two me's in the same body with the "kid-me" being severely traumatized by the experience. I wish I had a term for it, sorry.
That evening as things were building, I had initiated the time with DH since he's given me the freedom to be the only one to initiate. I knew almost right away that I wasn't as ready for it as I thought I was. But I figured it would be just the "normal" flashback, and I had some tools for how to deal with it, so I kept going. Then this hit me out of the blue, completely unexpected, and so incredibly different than anything I've experienced before. The fear and pain of that night still has a grip on me--it's been about 5 weeks now. Last week and this week, I've been so incredibly tired that I've hardly been able to work at all. My pastors are at a loss. I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions on how to process this thing?
Through some counseling and prayer with a couple of my pastors, I started getting some relief from those flashbacks this past spring. DH and I had taken a little time off of "intimacy" so that I could go through some healing, and we were gradually getting back into it.
Then one night, I had a completely different experience. This time it wasn't really two "realities" so much as it was two "me's" in the same reality. Instead of the past overlaying the present, it was like I became a younger version of me but I was still experiencing the present fully.
So before, there would be times where DH and I were together, and I would "see" my step-dad in the same place and doing the same things to me that DH was doing. But it was the "now-me" experiencing this dual reality (which is bad enough, but at least I was an adult-self with some emotional maturity and perspective to work with).
This time, my step-dad was not there. It was just DH. But I felt like I suddenly became a 6 or 7 year old little girl in that place with DH. Even though what we were doing was nothing extreme, to a 6-year-old, it's devastating. The grown-up me was also there on the outside, covering for the trauma being inflicted inside. But my primary consciousness was as a little girl, and the destruction, fear, and trauma of those few moments have sent me in a tailspin for several weeks now. I spent several days just in shock, it took weeks before I finally emailed my pastors to tell them that anything at all had happened, and another couple of weeks before I found any words to begin to describe the event.
Have you read the book Cross Roads? Imagine being a 6-year-old transported into an adult's body while doing adult-type things. There's no turning away from the "windows", and there's no maturity or perspective with which to understand what is happening. You don't know how you're seeing an adult's leg on your body. You don't know why this man is doing this to you. You don't have any choice, you just feel extremely violated and terrified and panicked, and you can't even yell out--you're just frozen into that place.
So I've been searching online trying to find descriptions of this kind of flashback and can't find anything. Like I said, my "normal" flashbacks have been like dual realities being experienced by the one me. But this time it was more like two me's in the same body with the "kid-me" being severely traumatized by the experience. I wish I had a term for it, sorry.
That evening as things were building, I had initiated the time with DH since he's given me the freedom to be the only one to initiate. I knew almost right away that I wasn't as ready for it as I thought I was. But I figured it would be just the "normal" flashback, and I had some tools for how to deal with it, so I kept going. Then this hit me out of the blue, completely unexpected, and so incredibly different than anything I've experienced before. The fear and pain of that night still has a grip on me--it's been about 5 weeks now. Last week and this week, I've been so incredibly tired that I've hardly been able to work at all. My pastors are at a loss. I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions on how to process this thing?
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