Differences in Need for Attention

[Living4Him03]

Well, I guess it's not really need for attention, but the space that each person needs. My ex and I are in the process of getting back together. I want to see him every weekend and talk on the phone a few times a week. He could go two weeks without talking to me and he would be fine. It's not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't have a need to be around people as much as I do. If another couple has had this problem, what did you do about it? How did you compromise?


Also, in relation to this topic, what about differences in the pace of the relationship? Have you found that you think things are progressing to slowly and your s/o felt they were going too fast or at just the right pace? I know it's not good to rush into a relationship, but my ex and I spent four months apart after a year of dating and we've known each other for almost 2 years. Neither of us wants to date anyone else, so I don't see why we can't just be a couple again. But, he is as slow as a turtle with the way he progresses with things. I'm afraid I'll be dating him for 10 years before he ever even mentions the "m" word lol. I'm interested in finding out how other couples have dealt with this issue as well.

Thanks ya'll!

 

[Living4Him03]

Thanks! Well, I don't know, I just want to know what he wants. He seems hurt by the fact that for the four months we were apart, I went on dates with other guys. I don't get it lol. I feel like sometimes that I'm the one who has to compromise and I'm the one that sacrifices, does special stuff for him, etc. He forgot Valentines Day. He's explained to me before that he forgets these type of holidays and that he will forget if I don't remind him. I thought surely he would remember because, after all, you would have to be pretty dense to not see that there are Valentines in the stores, people at work getting flowers, etc. Maybe I'm wrong. It's not that it's the most important thing to remember that, it's just that he seems to not care that my love languages are not the same as his and he will not attempt to find out what I would like. He, instead, assumes that what he thinks is romantic and special is what I think is romantic and special.

I also get phone calls from him when it is convenient for him or when night and weekend minutes kick in. He is so cheap! Grrrrr. Anyway, I really need to talk to him about all this, but I don't want to be angry with him, I just want to know what's going on inside that head of his and what he wants.

 

[Maeyken]

I also get phone calls from him when it is convenient for him or when night and weekend minutes kick in. He is so cheap! Grrrrr. Anyway, I really need to talk to him about all this, but I don't want to be angry with him, I just want to know what's going on inside that head of his and what he wants.

He calls you when it's convenient for him? Ok, that makes sense to me. Why would he pick up the phone and call at an inconvenient time?
Also, it sounds like you live a long distance phone call away (cuz you mentioned phone rates). If I were him, I too would wait for evenings and weekends to call and talk. Maybe you think it's cheap... I think it's silly to call in the middle of the day when it costs twice as much!

Maybe I'm missing something here, but to me, this phone issue seems like a non-issue. It's obviously a lot more important to you than it is to him.

 

[Nico]

i think blue impulse has given some really solid advice here. you do need to talk to him first to see if this is something that you can live with, what can be changed, what cannot, etc. communication--self expression and listening are so important. find out what he needs and wants. tell him yours. also, i'm wondering if you might think about keeping a journal. take note of your feelings, your joys, your tribulations in this relationship. this is not for the purpose of "keeping tabs" by any means, b/c i do not believe in that, but i'm wondering if it might be helpfull in being able to maintain a somewhat objective perspective in a subjective situation. when you like someone it can be so hard to realize that you're not getting what you really deserve out of the relationship. a way to keep you from being delusional, if you will. this could be a bad idea, i don't know, it's just that so many of my friends (and myself completely included) end up making excuses for a guy and putting up with stuff that we shouldn't....it was just something that crossed my mind, b/c if you start to see that there is an unequal balance on either side, then it might help you make some important evaluations. just a fleeting thought...

 

[Living4Him03]

He would so clean the garage. He does that a lot. He's usually doing some errand or something when we talk. Like the other morning, although this is okay with me, he was making muffins for breakfast. Then, sometimes he'll be doing laundry or something. He likes to watch tv or do some other activity when we talk. Maybe that's just a guy thing though. Maybe they like to multitask when talking to us.

Thanks for the advice Blue Impulse! You have really helped me to put things in perspective and I think I know what needs to be discussed with him now. You are right, I want to know if he wants someone for the time being to talk to when it's convenient (which is not really like him) or if he is really interested in a serious relationship with me.

 

[Jon_]

I'd kind of like to lend a male's perspective to this particular thread. Male-female dynamics are extremely complicated, of course. As has been pointed out, in general, guys don't "need" nearly as much attention as girls do. This isn't a fault of either sex, it's a wonderful distinction created by God; and when you consider that, you should realize that us guys should be quite obligated to shower you ladies with attention aplenty.

I'll probably get in trouble a bit from the guys' camp, but we have a duty to humor you gals. I really don't think you should put up with a boyfriend that doesn't call over a two week timeframe. On the surface, at least, it seems that his thoughts are elsewhere. You don't deserve to be the second (or third or fourth or . . .) most important thing in a guy's life (aside from God, of course). You deserve to be in the forefront of his mind, and if he's not willing to give you that honor, then maybe he's not willing to honor you as he ought to.

Perhaps I'm just a bit too romantic for my own good, but I see a lot of ladies that end up in unfulfilling relationships with guys that don't pay attention to them for the simple fact that they do pay some attention. That's not good enough! The Bible models the relationship of a man to his wife to that of Christ to the church. How Christ-like is it to ignore your significant other?

Now, please don't take this as carte blanche to nag us.

Nobody likes to be nagged. It's very hard for either sex to deal with someone who is high-maintenance. Both of these represent an unnatural need for attention, one that goes above and beyond what should be expected. The most important consideration to take into account is why you seek out your significant other. Are you doing it out of a selfish inclination? Sometimes this is a hard distinction to make because we could very well consider almost every need for affection as a "selfish" need. But they're not. Ultimately, this has to be a personal question, but I think that we, as Christians, should be able to ask ourselves the really tough, challenging questions, and answer them honestly.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Have you told him that it hurts you when he seems to be so distant?

If you have told him, and he still acts this way.... time to say goodbye, unfortunately.

If you haven't told him.... you definitely should. Guys are clueless sometimes

I would also agree w/Blue Impulse that different people need different amounts of quality time and/or space.... and if the two people's needs are at too much of a disparity.... then a relationship would likely be extremely difficult if not impossible. This is partly what happened with my ex fiance, and that did not work out, to say the least. I need a lot of one-on-one time and attention.... both due to innate temperament and circumstances in my life, past and present. I also know that both my boyfriend and I need time and space to ourselves, to get schoolwork done and such, and I make sure I do my part so we both get that. Thankfully, he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him so it works out well.

 

[Iggster]

I apologize in advance if I seem to come off as being crude, or unsympathetic. But I say he's your ex for a reason. There's no point in beating a dead horse.

I've tried working things out with my ex in the past, after being apart for a year, only to realize why we broke up in the first place. I kind of like the fact now that seasons change. Like the red sun setting in the west, it also rises in the east.To every ending, there's a new begining. Just like the caterpillar that once lived on eating leafs, crawling on its belly, and ends its cycle in a cocoon; only to become a beautiful butterfly.