Did I do something wrong? A what to say when question

Glas Ridire · Mar 22, 2012

A couple nights ago my daugther came out of her room in a panic, headed for our bedroom where she was intending on crawling into our bed. We think she was surprised to see me still up. I stopped her and tried to calm her and talk it out so she could go to her own bed.

Important background: I work 4 day shifts and am home for two days, so five out of seven nights I am not home. I suspect my wife is loney and has been tolerant of my daughter's patern. My daughter has always struggled with nightmares, but this crawling into bed thing is recent.

So when I was talking to her, and my 4 year old was calm enough to talk it out, I said among other things, "It is not okay to panic, panic can et you killed. It is okay to feel your feelings, but do not panic. Take deep breaths . .. " and proceeded to explain how it was that I talked her down from her panicked state and how she could un-panic herself in the future. I used it as a teaching moment.

Our bed is not big enough to sleep three comfortably and I only get to sleep in my own bed 2 out of seven nights. I injured my foot at work and have been home longer than typical and that seems to be bringing this issue to a head.

Problem is, my wife thinks I may have scarred our little girl for life by saying "panic can get you killed" I say it is never to early to learn not to panic in situations.

Am I completely wrong?

Darkhorse · Mar 22, 2012

While your lesson is true, it might be a little heavy for a 4-year-old; they are just becoming aware of the dangers in the world, and 4 (as well as 6) is a fearful age. Maybe when she's 8 or so you can give examples of how clear, unpaniced thinking can save lives.

It's a shame your bed is so small. Sleeping with parents is one of the most comforting, reassuring experiences kids can have. I'm sure you will teach her how to deal with the world's dangers and difficulties. In the meantime, sleeping with parents can give her an island of security to look back on through adulthood.

CrystalBrooke · Mar 22, 2012

She's only 4...of course you were wrong in saying that. You need to work on your word choice because that's a terrible thing to say to a small child.

cutie76 · Mar 22, 2012

I think in extreme cases, panic can kill a person. However, introducing that to a 4 year old in the middle of the night was not an age-appropriate introduction to the topic.

It seems like she is scared enough with nightmares to add one more fear to her plate. Do you (or your wife) pray with her before bed? Do you (or your wife) pray over her when she is asleep at night?

If she has chronic nightmares, it could be night terrors and your pediatrician should be consulted to determine how you should help her with this. There could be some simple remedies he could suggest that would help the situation.

lucypevensie · Mar 22, 2012

I think it was good to help her breathe, calm down, and think, in fact I would have done some of the same thing. You are right, it is important to know how to handle frightening situations, and even little kids can learn some good strategies for helping themselves through scary things. But throwing in the "acting like this could kill you" thing was not helpful. While it is true that panic can have tragic results, it's not a truth that such a young child needs to know, especially in the middle of the night when she's already terrified about something else. Not everything that's honest is helpful.

It's good that let her talk it out and let her have her feelings. How you feel is how you feel.

Funny, just this morning I was having my own terrible dream. The news was on (in real life) and I was dreaming that I was in one of the stories they were talking about in the news. I woke up very disturbed and afraid. Not panicky, but distraught. My DH was right there and instead of poo-pooing my fears and trying to talk sense to me he took my hand and prayed for me. Looking back, I see that it's kind of funny how I woke up so freaked out about a ridiculous dream, but when a person first wakes from a bad dream it sometimes takes a while for reality to sink in. Keep that in mind should there be a next time.

Sorry your bed is crowded. I can really sympathise with that. I have a hard enough time sleeping with ONE other person next to me, let alone TWO.

OnlyBelieve · Mar 22, 2012

When my daughters wake in the middle of the night, I settle them by praying with them for the angels to protect them and Jesus to watch over them. This calms them straight away, I then tuck them in and lay with them in their own bed for a little while, maybe 5 minutes, then I say Mummy loves you, kiss them on the head and tell them I will be in my room if they need me.
Do your children pray before bed, that the angels watch over them and they have pleasant dreams? I know this helps our three
God Bless,

MessianicMommy · Mar 23, 2012

That is a bit heavy for the age of four...

I do find it a pity the bed is so small, as cosleeping IS very comforting. We have a king bed with 2 single mattresses in it (only way we could afford it and both be happy with mattress choice), and many, many nights we cosleep with both our children (almost 4 and 2 1/2) - we sometimes try and move them to their beds, but sometimes with fear being a factor, it's not worth the effort of rinsing and repeating multiple (more than 3-4x) a night.

It's actually a rather abnormal occurrance for children to sleep alone as they have been doing for the last 100 or so years in Middle-Upper class western society.

I certainly won't ream you for what happened, because every parenting experience is a learning experience and also something that will help all of us grow and gain more parenting tools.

If it is night terrors, not much will help. If it is nightmares, calming techniques, holding and cosleeping are great options.

Glas Ridire · Mar 23, 2012

it is nightmares rather than night terrors, she has had two night terrors. . . . but the nightmares are common. We went through something horrible when she was younger and believe the nightmares are related to that trauma.

She is prayed with and sung to every night.

I understand that it was a heavy message, I want the end result to be that she can handle scary situations without panic . .. but I do need advice on how best to get to that end result.

OnlyBelieve · Mar 23, 2012

Glas Ridire said:
it is nightmares rather than night terrors, she has had two night terrors. . . . but the nightmares are common. We went through something horrible when she was younger and believe the nightmares are related to that trauma.

She is prayed with and sung to every night.

I understand that it was a heavy message, I want the end result to be that she can handle scary situations without panic . .. but I do need advice on how best to get to that end result.

That's beautiful that she sung to and prayed with. Keep her in your prayers during the day too.
Does she display any fears during the day?
Could you perhaps tell her some bible stories about great women and men in the bible,
like David and Goliath (God is always with us, even when we are young so we do not FEAR people)
Esther (same sort of thing)
Noah's Ark (noah never feared)
Joshua (God's protection, strength)

I would have to say the panic is caused by the fear, so *I* would work on that fear, and then the panic should subside. Just a suggestion.

God Bless

Glas Ridire · Mar 23, 2012

During the day she displays very little fear of anything. Today she was helping to use a random orbit sander, she climbs, goes in dark places, approaches large animals (horses are our next door neighbors) all without a hint of fear. Things she should be cautious of, she seems to have a wary respect for (strange dogs, bladed things, guns) without crossing over into fear. She is very advanced in some ways, for a girl her age.

When asked about what she is afraid of, she talks about monsters with claws so sharp they could cut God. I pressed further on that, because that she would even think that was pretty distrubing to me & she couldn't explain what she meant.

Godsgirl79 · Mar 24, 2012

I have a four year old, at that age they have very concrete thinking and take things literally. She won't understand how it can kill her, or even what panic means. I think your wife is right in that it probably scared her more. However as a parent you were doing your best to try to help your daughter.

CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN · Mar 24, 2012

I'm not seeing,whats wrong with panicking a little.I sure most people panic,before they accest the situation.I wouldn't worry her with the thought of panicking.Since she's having nightmares,because of her past,she should see a therapist.I think u should comfort her,when she has a nightmare.

MessianicMommy · Mar 25, 2012

Godsgirl79 said:
I have a four year old, at that age they have very concrete thinking and take things literally. She won't understand how it can kill her, or even what panic means. I think your wife is right in that it probably scared her more. However as a parent you were doing your best to try to help your daughter.

This.

Maybe some talk/singing of "G-d is bigger than the boogey man"?

I have panic attacks when I get very scared. There are good reasons for some of our fears. If handled well, we'll eventually grow out of those panics and fears. If handled poorly, we will become more afraid and have worse fear of those situations.

Examples would be fear that transforms into agoraphobia (inability to leave your home) or extreme hydrophobia that won't allow a person to go near water.

I do have acrophobia, but not to the extreme that I won't go in high places - unless they are extremely high. Mine is more bathophobia - fear of falling from a high place. I actually know WHERE it started. . . but it doesn't make the fear any less.

When waking from a very scary dream, I just want someone to hold my hand and make ME feel better so I can calm down. I know the dream was irrational, and am already talking myself down from that.

I've found that when the children are ready to talk about their fear and how it is rational or irrational, they will bring it up to discuss. Daytime usually is a better time to talk about "you know, when you were scared last night...?" -- something about nighttime is intrinsically scary to humans, because there is real danger in night time. It's a good instinct G-d gave us. It's just all in how we apply it.

Please don't think or feel I am attacking you, I'm just kind of talking things out as my thought flows.

JRSut1000 · Mar 27, 2012

That is very wrong to say to a child! Speak LIFE over your child, not fear and death! I know its hard to know what to say when it comes to night wakings, I deal with my 17 mo old waking just about every night, sometimes couple times a night. It's difficult and exhausting, but its those times more than ever children need encouragement and reassurance.

BlissMommy · Apr 30, 2012

I don't think you scared her, they may have been heavy words for a 4 year old. I think she will be okay.

Krystina661 · May 11, 2012

I don't think you should tell anyone who is panicking, child or not, that it can kill you. Panic or being frightened in inself won't hurt you, just make you feel awful. It was wonderful you tried to calm her down, but I think it was a mistake, to say that her own feelings and panic could harm her, let alone kill her.

CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN · May 13, 2012

BlissMommy said:
I think she will be okay.

I agree.

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