Deviant behaviour *Trigger Warning*

Hello.

When I was a child, I was about to be raped by a worker. After some years, I was about to be raped again by a professor.

All my childhood I had really awful thoughts in the nighttime. In that period of time when you are not 100% asleep, but still, not awake, I would have these images of me being raped and enjoying it every night. In the morning, I was disgusted. Also, sometimes I had the actual feeling of being raped and actually enjoying it. I knew God and for some years I was free of this. Now, I am struggling with immoral thoughts which sometimes lead to masturbation (only exciting the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I am still virgin). I know that this is wrong, but what comes next is even more deviant...when I am the most excited, I have again rape thoughts . I feel so ashamed and disgusted! How can I think this way?? If I don't do this for a long period of time, I would have much worst dreams which give me immoral thoughts all day. I honestly am very, very scared of being raped, sometimes I am paranoid of this, but as I see I get to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] when thinking of being raped!!!!! I know it is terrible and shameful...I am thinking what in the world will I do when I will get married? won't I be able to enjoy sex?

Of course I don't even have courage to look unto God. I fasted, prayed, confessed and had small victories, but again, I have dreams and they bring me again there. I feel ashamed, condemned and I know I deserve to feel this way. I don't know what to do anymore...why do I have this dreams and thoughts?

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this issue. Have you prayed to Jesus for guidance? That helps me a lot. I also see a counselor for help with my issues. I am praying for your wellness. Sorry I don't know what else to say. God bless you.