Depression rant.

[Alternate Carpark]

So hello everyone here in the depression section.

Just thought I might spend a bit of time to rant about my battles with depression and suicide.
It's a long read but I hope you might something of use in it all.
I would also like to point out that these thoughts are not established facts, just my observations over the years.

I've had this dysfunction since I was like 8 but I have only begun to address it in the last 10 years.
You know what's it's like, you just assume this is how you are and you accept it, well that's how I percieved it for all those years.

I suffer attacks once every 12-24 months. Over the years the duration is less but they are more intense.
I've just come out of one that lasted 2 months.
One minute life is fine and the next I'm suicidal, no hope whatsoever.
My doctor classifies mine as chemical imbalance, where thoughts or events don't trigger it,
it's all about lack of some type of chemical in the brain that causes it to manifest.

I only learnt about this 2 years ago and it seemed like it fit but after spending huge amounts of time processing the data I have come to the conclusion that depression is triggered by thoughts buried deep within.
Thoughts that we supress because we either can't figure it out or there's way too much pain involved
in addressing the painful experiences of the past that cause them.

One thing I have noticed is the overwhelming sense of hopelessness one feels and thinks whilst depressed.
You could say that the constant thoughts of hopelessness are what depression is.

For example, life is full of problems and the solution is to fix the problem, happy tawts and relief ensue when a problem is solved.
But if a problem cannot be resolved, it gives way to an overload of dispair, worry and a sense of being powerless.
But it's the depression that seems to have no present time problem associated with it that creates
the worst kind because it just doesn't make sense. Why am I depressed we ask ourselves.

For me, when I first find myself depressed I have no idea what I am depressed about.
I suppose that's why they think it's all just a chemical thing.
But I look for a cause and I'm convinced, in my experiences,
that there is unresolved issues and pain from the past that trigger the depression in me.

When I become depressed I go through a checklist to find the root cause of the depression.
Sometimes I find it and sometimes I don't then all I can do is weather the storm till it passes.

I've uncovered a bunch of past issues over the years that cause me to become depressed and suicidal.
Low self esteem.
I am unlovable.
Inadequacy compared to others.

All of these internal views were created as I was growing up in a very dysfunctional family environment.
Add to this, with a mindset like this I was attracting other people who were also unloving toward me.
So left to itself, the cycle would continue.

All of these issues have been resolved and I love who I am as a person.
I can joyfully acknowledge my positive abilities and character traits and my self worth is very strong now.
I am also aware that I am not perfect and there are many areas that need improving.
Not by anyone else's standard but my own.

I am not ashamed of my weakness' or feel worthless because of them.
They are simply areas that need work and I do so with much enthusiasm.
Then why did I find myself suicidal and depressed once again?

Let's say two people are wanting to go to a party. Upon being informed that they are not invited one person thinks nothing of it
and the other is devastated and depression rears it's ugly head once more.

Why such a big difference in reaction from the two people?
The event has triggered unresolved pain, past experiences of rejection thus blowing the party incident all out of proportion.
Most times the person is not even aware of the connection because the painful experiences of the past are locked away in the "too hard" basket or over time we just have tried and tried to fix them with no success.

Over the last couple of years I have concluded that if I cause my depression then I am capable of fixing it regardless of circumstances.
Lack of knowledge is a key factor in being able to resolve problems.
Yeah of course that's logical but when it comes to inner problems we feel utterly helpless,
don't even know where to start looking, that sort of thing.

But it's all about believing that every problem has a solution and that may require a change of thinking.
A change of thinking is a difficult process. In a sense you are rebuilding established thought patterns and concepts
that have developed over many years.

For me, it seems like I'm not making any progress whatsoever. But when I honestly review my life I can see I am making inroads to being free from the illness or having some type of control over it.
When we become physically ill we just pop down to the local doctor, he/she gives us pills and whammo, no more pain.
Emotional pain cannot be resolved that easily. It takes a lot of effort and perseverance to overcome this type of problem.

And it all starts with knowing you have a problem and it's internal and that it can be fixed.
When I was exploring the last bout of depression, shocked at first because I thought I had it finally licked,
I had discovered another factor of what triggers it.

Mistrust.
Because I grew up in a dysfunctional atmosphere I had learnt to mistrust everyone's motives as to why they were interacting with me.
Someone shows some form of friendliness toward me and the next minute they are psychologically abusing me.
This is why I grew up confused as I couldn't understand why people behave like this.
What I didn't see was that the years of experiencing all this created a wall of mistrust in me.
It was hidden so far down that it just never occured to me that I had this built in defence mechanism.

I was pretty excited to finally see this so now I am working out how to remove this wall of mistrust from my life.
I have a friend who used to tell me when I describe how someone has hurt me, "Just get over it man and get on with it !"
Me being extremely sensitive, I am unable to just get over it.
At first I thought being sensitive is a weakness, a negative trait.
Not so now. Sensitivity is neutral. It reacts to situations just like any other attribute.
If someone says something nasty, being sensitive, it hurts.(a negative reaction)
But if someone is hurting, being sensitive causes me to empathise and help if I can.(a positive reaction)

Painful feelings and thoughts are our inner warning system.
If I cut my finger, my body feels pain telling me something is wrong with my body.
Logically we respond to this warning signal and fix the problem.

The same is applied to inner pain signals.
Sadness informs me that there's a problem that needs addressing.
Covering over this sadness with doing things that make me happy doesn't remove the problem, it just covers over it.
Repeat this denial process enough and it appears there are no problems but the fact is they're still there
festering away to be triggered by some future event.
Inner problems just don't disappear, they need to be acknowledged and dealt with.
All problems have a source and all inner problems have a source.
Find the source and deal with it no matter how long it takes to find.

It may take longer to remove than just ignoring it or covering over it but the problem is removed and that's a good thing right?

I have noticed a lack of energy and will to live that is associated with the onset of depression.
Just before I became severely depressed I was physically and emotionally exhausted.
I call this internal energy reserve our love tank.
If the tank is empty, we feel exhausted.
The tank is replenished by recieving love.
My wall of mistrust stops me from recieving love.
If I don't give out love, my tank remains at a constant level.
Logically I assume that if I love myself my tank is replenished but either my self love is not enough to replenish it or it doesn't work that way.
Still looking into that aspect of it all.

AC.

 

[ravenscape]

(((AC)))

It seems like you really try hard to minimize the impact your depression has on other people, and you treasure the relationships you have with others. It's like a good feedback look that's going on against the current, no matter how bad you feel.

 

[Amin]

(((AC)))

It seems like you really try hard to minimize the impact your depression has on other people, and you treasure the relationships you have with others. It's like a good feedback look that's going on against the current, no matter how bad you feel.

I guess i would ask, has the doctor ever thought of keeping you on a low dose of meds. to keep thisfrom happening?
It sounds like you're a bit like me.
I like to anylize everything to the point that it's really overanylizing.
When that happens my mind just goes off in every conceivable place, making things worse.
Just an observation.
Chuck.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

I guess i would ask, has the doctor ever thought of keeping you on a low dose of meds. to keep thisfrom happening?
It sounds like you're a bit like me.
I like to anylize everything to the point that it's really overanylizing.
When that happens my mind just goes off in every conceivable place, making things worse.
Just an observation.
Chuck.

Yes, I too have been told I overanalyse things and although I hate it when the depression hits,
I find that I come out of it quicker by searching deep within to find the source of the problem.

Not a big fan of meds and I've only used them for a total of 5 days.
I would rather experience the pain and work through it than supress it.
This is not to say that others should not use meds as going by other's experiences that I know of
I would regard the severity of my illness as mild compared to others.

And yes I understand the danger of going off all over the place and making things worse for yourself.
The more I practice self evaluation the better I get at keeping all the data sorted and not losing myself in it.

For sure, take meds if needed but if the meds stop you from searching then meds just become a dependancy.

If my conclusions are correct and depression is self inflicted, it's just a matter of confronting myself
to counter the thought patterns that got me there in the first place.

I learn something new about myself each time I take that slow painful road out of depression and I emerge with a strengthening of my character.

Thoughts of suicide are the final outcome of hopelessness.
There's nothing to ponder when one reaches that.
But I have noticed in myself when I have these thoughts that this is when the rubber meets the road and I have a decision to make.
I have two options, either I do away with myself or I look for an alternative.
Thoughts of suicide do invoke a sense of relief as the pain one is enduring will stop
as apposed to continue on living which means the pain will continue.

It's hard to think at that time of thoughts that life will get better. But when you make that clear decision to remain alive
you are forcing yourself to find ways to overcome.

This in itself creates a resolve to fight back and win.
To get back up, wipe the dust off and give it another go.
If what you have been doing hasn't worked then it's time to think of other paths to take, other strategies.

When depression leads to thoughts of suicide it's like you have painted yourself into a corner with no way out.
But if you take an honest and hard look at yourself and retrace your steps you can see how you ended up in that corner in the first place.

When you begin to see patterns of behaviour and thoughts this then becomes vital information you can use
to counter the next slippery slide of depression.

If you continue in a repetative cycle it's clear that your strategies are not working so you then have to try other things.
Trial and error, learning from past mistakes is a valuable tool to finding solutions.
I've spent way too many years just wishing it would all go away.
Confronting myself and seeking out answers has been most beneficial to me.
Worst case scenario is my illness is genetic and I'll always have it but that shouldn't stop me from fighting it and keeping it under control as I do not know what the future holds but I will fight it every time it manifests with the hope that I will finally be free from it.

It's a pretty good goal to strive for.

 

[Cat59]

I love what you say here, AC. I've struggled with depression since my teens- it's something my father and all his brothers and sisters, and his father struggled with too. So much of what you say rings bells in my heads. In the past I would try to cope by not listening to my feelings, by telling myself that feelings were not reflecting reality, but lately I have found myself recognising the need to allow them to speak and follow their guidance, looking for the source of the pain, as you say. Which sometimes means spending time with them, however difficult and painful that seems at the time.
You have such great insight into this, I hope it will help diminish the effects of the depression on your life...
(((AC)))

 

[Alternate Carpark]

(((AC)))

It seems like you really try hard to minimize the impact your depression has on other people, and you treasure the relationships you have with others. It's like a good feedback look that's going on against the current, no matter how bad you feel.

Yeah, I never saw it like that. Are you saying that even though all I see is hopelessness, my concern for others is a safety line against going all the way down ?
It's a thread of hope, that not all is lost ?

 

[Cat59]

I reach the thoughts of suicide point rarely now, it was much more frequent in the past and it seems that as my children have grown and become more dependent on me as a person, a character, the awareness of their need for me to continue breaks through even the deepest spots. For me it is a real vital safety line, a thread that holds me to life when the only option I can see and feel is ending.

If you continue in a repetative cycle it's clear that your strategies are not working so you then have to try other things.
Trial and error, learning from past mistakes is a valuable tool to finding solutions.
I've spent way too many years just wishing it would all go away.

Ditto!
Which is why for the first time I've agreed to try meds as well, as I'm pretty non functional at the moment. If it'll just give me the boost to get going again, that's all I ask for. I've no idea whether it'll work, all it is doing at the moment is making me feel sick and woozy, but something has to change.

Thanks for sharing your great insights, AC.
*hugs*

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Thanks Cat, They do say that depression is hereditary.
My mum has it and so too does my dawta, but it could also be that as children we mimic our parents behaviour.

In regards to feelings, we are always told to not listen to our feelings. But this is only when the feelings are negative.
People avoid negative feelings like the plague. Seems logical, why would anyone want to be sad when you can be happy.

But why classify feelings into these categories in the first place.
If we feel physical pain we don't classify them as negative.
We don't even classify them.

I think there's this misconception that if we consider the "negative" feelings we are brooding, sulking etc.
This then creates guilt and shame and we are told to grow up and just get over it.

What do we do when a child is sulking? We go buy them an ice cream, and hey presto, the child is happy once again.
So even without realising it we are conditioned to repeat this process into adulthood.

I'm quite happy to admit that a percentage of my depression is just grown up sulking.
And wouldn't it be nice if ice cream solved my adult problems, but alas it doesn't, yummy that it is during depression. LOL


Now I know that a child cannot think and reason like an adult but somewhere along the growth line there should be some kind of dialog and addressing of thoughts etc.
I never recieved this kind of counselling from my parents whilst growing up.
I don't blame them for this it's just a fact.
I mean it's a package deal in a dysfunctional family isn't it?

 

[Alternate Carpark]

My dawta has been on meds for a while now, she suffers far more than me and she just coudn't cope without them.

But she is intelligent and insightful and she continues to search for answers.
For years we have discussed her pain and it's only just recently that she has finally seen what is triggering her depression.

I've always known what it is but she couldn't see it for two reasons I can think of;
1: She couldn't see the connection.
2: The pain was too great to confront till now.
Now that she knows she can work on it to resolve it.
It's always empowering to find the culprit, to know what the enemy is instead of stumbling around in the dark in total hopelessness.

And yes Cat, being responsible for our kids is a very strong safety line, it's the main one that jerks me back to reality time and time again.
These lines are built of love.

 

[Pats]

Hugs and prayers for AC and Cat.

I need to finish reading and post to this thread again when my head is clearer. I'm about ready to pass out and fall asleep, so I'll finish reading laters. Take care of yourselves.

 

[Pats]

AC

Being bipolar myself, I go from manic to depressed awfully easy some times. I have had long bouts of depression in my youth, though. So, I do understand.

Thank you for taking the time to write all of this out. I do hope you find some answers.

One thing I identify with is the desire to not be medicated. I often feel that I should be able to control my own mind well enough to not need the medications, but right now am on them again as I was utterly disfunctional recently without them.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

A few years ago I read a book, Where Is God When It Hurts by Philip Yancey.
In it he writes about the research done by Dr.Paul Brand who uncovered the source of the affliction of Leprosy.

Leprosy attacks the nervous system thus rendering the body to not feel pain, mainly in the extremeties, hands and feet.

One might think woohoo, it would be good to not feel pain.
But it's quite the opposite when you read about the Leprosy sufferers.
Dr. Brand discovered that the mutilation of extremeties of the body was not caused by some bacteria that was eating away at the flesh,
but the sufferers were having accidents or rats were eating toes off during the night and the sufferers
weren't even aware these things were happening because they did not feel it.

A Leprosy sufferer could literally boil the flesh off their hand and feel no pain at all.

So the sensors that alert the brain that damage has been caused to the body is a crucial benefit for self preservation.
Pain hurts for a reason, so we will do something about it.
Pain is not an enemy but a device to warn us, pain is our friend.
So too with inner pain. When you think about it, what are inner feelings?
Are they the same as physical feelings?
When someone asks "How are you feeling?" we may say that we are feeling sad but then we are asked,
well I hope we are asked,"Why are you feeling sad?"
Then we speak of our thoughts that cause us to be sad.
So it could be said that our inner feelings are created by our thoughts.

This doesn't make sense when we awake feeling sad for no apparent reason.
But it makes perfect sense when you contemplate that all inner feelings come from thoughts,
it's that we can't see the connection or see the thoughts that create the sadness.

Our inner feelings are self created regardless of whether we are aware of it or not and regardless of our circumstances.

I for one shudder at the idea of taking drugs that affect my brain's built in warning system.
And I am not trying to make others who need drugs to feel ashamed or weak, this is a personal decision for myself.

I go a different way. I give pain total freedom to express itself and in that pain I explore it.
Yeah it freakin' hurts to the point of suicide, but the more it hurts the more I am energised to find the source.

My inner pain is not my enemy, it is me telling me I have a problem, why should I ignore myself or try to subdue myself.
Yeah, it would be nice to not have this pain but it's there for a reason and I want to find out why.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

If my conclusions are correct and depression is self inflicted, it's just a matter of confronting myself
to counter the thought patterns that got me there in the first place.

Thoughts of suicide are the final outcome of hopelessness.
There's nothing to ponder when one reaches that.

Thoughts of suicide do invoke a sense of relief as the pain one is enduring will stop as apposed to continue on living which means the pain will continue.

It's hard to think at that time of thoughts that life will get better. But when you make that clear decision to remain alive
you are forcing yourself to find ways to overcome.

When depression leads to thoughts of suicide it's like you have painted yourself into a corner with no way out.

I agree and unfortunately I find myself in that corner all too
regularly lately. I continue to seek the Lord and alternate ways to think and react but often find myself overwhelmed by the pain and desire to cease hurting. I find myself in a position now that I see no way out of and I ask the Lord to intervene in my life.... The only reason I have not "finalized" things are the thoughts of the legacy I'd leave my children. Not good or admirable I'm afraid.

 

[Cat59]

AC, I take on board all you say, but...
I have a job that I have to do and I'm the bread winner for my family.
I have a son with a disability I have to be alert to look after.
I have parents who are aging and need help.
I have to try and get better quickly. The tablets can't do the whole thing, I know that, but there are too many people who depend on me being well. I still am exploring the whys and wherefores and feelings and thoughts as I go, but I need a crutch to do it...

But thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your pain, it helps others probably more than you can know.
Cath

 

[Alternate Carpark]

I agree and unfortunately I find myself in that corner all too
regularly lately. I continue to seek the Lord and alternate ways to think and react but often find myself overwhelmed by the pain and desire to cease hurting. I find myself in a position now that I see no way out of and I ask the Lord to intervene in my life.... The only reason I have not "finalized" things are the thoughts of the legacy I'd leave my children. Not good or admirable I'm afraid.

I've noticed in the last few bouts of depression that I've had that as the depression was taking hold and I didn't want to go down there again,
I decided to see where the path would lead to and consider the conclusion I would reach.

Each time it always concluded with suicide as the only answer.
No matter how many different ways I would look at my life and how it could pan out, suicide was always the end result.
I thought this was a bit odd.

But each time I came to this conclusion and thinking about the reality of doing so and the effect it would have on those that loved me,
I realised that deep down this is not the way I want to go.

So I figured there must be something that is influencing my thoughts to make me come to the conclusion of suicide each time, or clouding the real intent of my heart to remain alive to such a degree that all I could see was a hopeless situation that could not be resolved.

And it's as you have said Brother, it was the immense pain and wanting it to end.
Suicide will stop the pain I was feeling.
And the only counter to that is how much pain I would inflict on those that love me if I do end my life.
But I would reason, "Hey, I'll be dead and I won't have any thoughts of how much pain I have caused to others"

But this thought doesn't hold up in court for one reason.
Love. If I truely love someone then I would not act in a way to hurt them.
The very thought of my kids suffering for years because I killed myself and left them alone
was even more painful that the pain of my own inner turmoil that's for sure.

It is said, love sacrifices itself for the good of others.
Another way I look at it is this.
There is a sum total of pain in the world and I can live a life where I add to this pain or reduce it.
I choose to reduce the amount of pain contained within the world.
If I kill myself I may have reduced the total of pain but in fact I will have added to it far more than if I remained alive.

So in a sense I sacrifice my life so others will not suffer.
I do not fullfill my depressed influenced desire for a quick end to my suffering for the benefit of others.

Once I make that clear decision there's no more arguing for suicide.
The debate is over and then I can get on with dealing with my own my pain.
Being in a depressed state causes all manner of swirling thoughts and it's hard to concentrate and think clearly.
But when I took those couple of conclusion journeys it taught me that I can think clearly and walk a straight path through the cyclonic thoughts that run rampant during depression.

I was beginning to have control and I have built on those experiences each time.
Now, when my pain overwhelms me I know I have the inner ability to stand and rationally seek out the sources of the pain,
which are all thought induced.

And now that it's only been the last 2 years that I have realised that my pain is just me trying to get my attention to something that is troubling me I don't avoid or wish this pain would just go away.

I explore what this pain is associated with and once the source is revealed the pain subsides knowing it's job is done.
A lot of times, once the cuprit is revealed it loses all of it's power over me and it never shows it's face ever again.
And other times it's a slow process of seeing early signs of negative thoughts and cutting them off at the pass before they overwhelm me.

Pain used to be huge stumbling blocks for me, now I use them as steps.
They're definately not fun to walk on but now that I know they are there for my benefit I accept the challenge they present.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

AC, I take on board all you say, but...
I have a job that I have to do and I'm the bread winner for my family.
I have a son with a disability I have to be alert to look after.
I have parents who are aging and need help.
I have to try and get better quickly. The tablets can't do the whole thing, I know that, but there are too many people who depend on me being well. I still am exploring the whys and wherefores and feelings and thoughts as I go, but I need a crutch to do it...

But thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your pain, it helps others probably more than you can know.
Cath

Cat, sorry if my posts seem that I am being critical of people who use medication.
I am not, I don't think less of peole who do so.
I do not harrass my dawta who uses them nor do I to others.
It's a personal decision of mine after being on medication for 5 or so days that I noticed my thinking processes were being affected so I decided to stop using them.

What works for me doesn't mean it will work for others and it would be wrong of me to think I know what others specifically go through.
I just wanted to emphasise what I have experienced in my own journey through the dark world of depression.

And I completely understand your thoughts about the responsibilities we all have to take care of and how it's important to remain at some level of functionality during times of depression.

Comparing my attitude and commitment to my responsibilities these last two years from ten years ago during depression has greatly improved.
Knowing that me being in a year long depressed state, my lack of enthusiasm, withdrawing from communicating with others and how much it negatively affects those around me is of great concern now than all those years ago.

My greatest concern when Griddle moved in with me was how will a bout of depression affect her.
I am forced to up the level of effort to keep depression at bay.
My son returns to live with me today and my x wife is none too happy about that because "What if you flip out again?"
All I could tell her was we will live, learn and grow through the experience.
Love will be given an opportunity to show it's metal.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Hello again everyone.
I have a rant, will post soon.

 

[GryffinSong]

I appreciate your sharing all of your experiences. I find that right now I do need medication. And I'm able to also delve deep into the whys and pursue them. In fact, without the medication I could not delve into the whys, because with me, depression manifests as a flatness. I don't feel pain, I'm in a non-feeling place. I call it my dark place, and when I'm there I am not creative or interested in exploring. I just sit. Your depression sounds very different. For instance, I never am suicidal.

Hugs and best of luck to you.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Yeah, It's similar for me, when the depression is full on I am numb, too tired to think or try to climb out of figure a way out, I too call my depression my darkness.

And my rant will have to wait till next time as my time at the Net cafe is almost up.
And woo that you delve deep to understand. ~thumbsup~

 

[Mask]

What really bugs me is when you search yourself and find roots for your current state of depression but you still don't know what to do about it!!! Then the ugly thing is in your face glaring at you and you don't know what to do with it....how do you fight that? How do you get that thing out?