Does anyone else struggle with trusting and depending on God totally? I've been really having problems with this lately...okay, for a good while.
The reader's digest version, because if I told the whole story, or even a good chunk of it, you people would be reading until 2009.
I have some health problems that doctors haven't been able to figure out. I had major back surgery, ironically, 2 years ago today (spinal fusion of 3 levels with instrumentation - which is a fancy way of saying that they fused my vertebrea, then put a bunch of screws in there to keep it in place). Two weeks after my surgery, I started fainting. At the time, we attributed it to weakness, blood loss from surgery (I was anemic as well), etc. They further out of surgery I got, it seemed the worse the fainting was getting. The spells happened for no reason, out of the blue, with little warning. Two years later, the fainting has not gotten better, in fact, it has gotten worse. I have been to every kind of doctor imaginable and they have diagnosed me with everything under the sun, from severe hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), vasovagal syncope (blood pressure drops dangerously low), basilar artery migraines, to just flat out crazy, with everything happening "in my head". My symptoms do not follow any text book case - one of the strangest symptoms being that I lose complete use of my right arm and hand for several hours, to a complete day. I can feel it (sort of - it's hard to explain, but it isn't the pins and needles numb), but if I go to pick something up, a cup for instance, I can put my hand around that cup as if grasping it, but if I go to lift it, I will drop it. Strange. Anyway, this past week has been a really rough week. Had more spells than usual, and I just have gotten really frustrated with it. When it gets to this point, I find myself questioning God's purpose in all of this. What's the point? What's He trying to teach me? And in a way, I almost get angry with Him, not so much for giving me this difficulty, but for not showing me the answers as to what exactly it is and how to cope with it. Here's the part that I struggle with the most though. I KNOW God's plan is perfect. I KNOW there is a reason for this, and to be quite honest, I am content with it...but sometimes I feel like I am just rejecting Him for no reason. It's not that I don't believe He is in control, because I do, but in a way, I choose not to accept it. Is this making any sense at all? It is like with one hand, I am reaching towards heaven, trying to grasp ahold of God's hand, and just as I get close, my other hand reaches up and pushes it away. Or when I finally grasp God's little finger, my other hand takes and prys my hand away. I'm in a constant battle, fighting myself.
I'm probably not making a bit of sense here, and part of it is because I don't know how to explain it, the other part is because I am really not feeling well and my brain just doesn't want to cooperate.
I know God is all powerful and has His arms around me all the time. I know that, and I can feel him there. But often, I "duck" out of His arms. It's like part of me doesn't want to be there, to feel His Love. Why? I wish I could figure this out. I know it is satan fighting with me, but why does he seem to win this battle every time?
Ugh. I'm just really frustrated today. I'm praying about this constantly. God just keeps telling me "I'm here...come to me"...and I do...but only for a short time.
Sorry for rambling and going on about nothing...I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
The reader's digest version, because if I told the whole story, or even a good chunk of it, you people would be reading until 2009.
I have some health problems that doctors haven't been able to figure out. I had major back surgery, ironically, 2 years ago today (spinal fusion of 3 levels with instrumentation - which is a fancy way of saying that they fused my vertebrea, then put a bunch of screws in there to keep it in place). Two weeks after my surgery, I started fainting. At the time, we attributed it to weakness, blood loss from surgery (I was anemic as well), etc. They further out of surgery I got, it seemed the worse the fainting was getting. The spells happened for no reason, out of the blue, with little warning. Two years later, the fainting has not gotten better, in fact, it has gotten worse. I have been to every kind of doctor imaginable and they have diagnosed me with everything under the sun, from severe hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), vasovagal syncope (blood pressure drops dangerously low), basilar artery migraines, to just flat out crazy, with everything happening "in my head". My symptoms do not follow any text book case - one of the strangest symptoms being that I lose complete use of my right arm and hand for several hours, to a complete day. I can feel it (sort of - it's hard to explain, but it isn't the pins and needles numb), but if I go to pick something up, a cup for instance, I can put my hand around that cup as if grasping it, but if I go to lift it, I will drop it. Strange. Anyway, this past week has been a really rough week. Had more spells than usual, and I just have gotten really frustrated with it. When it gets to this point, I find myself questioning God's purpose in all of this. What's the point? What's He trying to teach me? And in a way, I almost get angry with Him, not so much for giving me this difficulty, but for not showing me the answers as to what exactly it is and how to cope with it. Here's the part that I struggle with the most though. I KNOW God's plan is perfect. I KNOW there is a reason for this, and to be quite honest, I am content with it...but sometimes I feel like I am just rejecting Him for no reason. It's not that I don't believe He is in control, because I do, but in a way, I choose not to accept it. Is this making any sense at all? It is like with one hand, I am reaching towards heaven, trying to grasp ahold of God's hand, and just as I get close, my other hand reaches up and pushes it away. Or when I finally grasp God's little finger, my other hand takes and prys my hand away. I'm in a constant battle, fighting myself.
I'm probably not making a bit of sense here, and part of it is because I don't know how to explain it, the other part is because I am really not feeling well and my brain just doesn't want to cooperate.
I know God is all powerful and has His arms around me all the time. I know that, and I can feel him there. But often, I "duck" out of His arms. It's like part of me doesn't want to be there, to feel His Love. Why? I wish I could figure this out. I know it is satan fighting with me, but why does he seem to win this battle every time?
Ugh. I'm just really frustrated today. I'm praying about this constantly. God just keeps telling me "I'm here...come to me"...and I do...but only for a short time.
Sorry for rambling and going on about nothing...I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
Secondly, I had a prayer to be completely submissive to God and His will for me. Now He answered it, but He answered it the hard way. I wanted Him to just plop it in my lap, but instead, He put me in so many situations to where I had no control over what I was going to do and it felt as if I was going to lose my mind at any second because I'd been trying to do things myself and I was only digging myself into a deeper hole. This went on a good two months at least. A lot of times, I questioned my faith, and it felt as if God were eons of miles away. Finally, I reached a point of physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion to where I basically didn't care anymore because of the stress that I'd put on myself. Being so desparate for any answer, whether it was what I was looking for or not, I let God have it, and that's when things started to get better. It turned out all (so far I think it is all!) of the things I was struggling to keep He gave me back two, three, or four fold when I finally let Him have His way. I don't know if this offers much consolation to your situation. Just know that there is a purpose, and I'll be praying for you because I know exactly how you feel in one way or another. 
