I have a friend who, a about a month and a half ago called me late one night while she was having an emotional breakdown. She is involved in Campus Ministry, and prior to that had told me that she was having issues for the past year due to burnout, and after I had offered her advice on how to keep herself from getting burned out, she said everything was better. Well, as it turned out, burn out wasn't the problem at all. She didn't know what it was, until I went over there and we talked about it for two hours and came to the realization that her issues involved serious problems with trusting both God and other people, with giving up control of every part of her life to God, with accepting love, and with even knowing what love is supposed to be. The next day she had talked with a pastor and the campus minister, and told me that she had come to the conclusion that the problem was only with trust, and not really with love at all. I disagreed, and said that really you can't fully love or accept love until you trust anyway, and she half-heartedly agreed, and I never really brought it up again.
After that we started to hang out a lot more for several weeks, and I kept asking her how she was doing, and after about a week and a half she said she was fine and everything was ok. Then one evening while we where having a group session in the campus ministry, she told people that she had issues, but she changed her story pretty drastically. She said she had gotten rid of a lot of the stuff in her life before becoming a Christian, but had never invited God to come in and fill the holes. She didn't mention that she struggled with trusting God to fill the holes, and that she had trouble giving up control of her own life because of that, and that is why she was having those issues. So later that week, I wrote her a message and asked her if everything was really all right, or if she had gone back to hiding from the issue, because that is what she had always done before.
At that point she got frustrated with me for questioning her sincerity and told me that when I did, and when I talked about the stuff she had gone through before, it kept her from being able to move past it. After that we still hung out but we didn't talk about any of the stuff she had gone through.
Well, one weekend during an event she ended up deciding to distance herself from me. At first I couldn't tell what was going on, so I kept trying to talk to her. Sometimes she'd talk to me, sometimes she would avoid me. Eventually I managed to flag her down alone and tried to talk to her but she blew up at me. After we all got home she wrote me and apologized, and told me she had been avoiding me because she always does that when she confides something deeply emotional with someone because she is reminded of what she shared and feels like she can't move past it if she is reminded of it. She told me that she's the kind of person who, once she settles an idea moves past it in a couple of days; and to be reminded of it keeps her from being able to move past it, and being around that person, and being questioned holds her back.
She then said that I had spent way too much time with her over the weekend event, and that someone had even referred to me as her shadow. When I ended up writing her back I responded by saying that I was pretty sure that wasn't the case, and even pointed out quite clearly that spent more time with over half of the people in the group that weekend than with her, and when I had even asked other people on the trip who I spent the most time with that weekend everyone I asked all said the same person, and it wasn't her.
She also said that she felt like I was starting to fall in love with her and that she was going to have to set up boundaries to guard my heart, because while she is an emotionally closed off person and her heart will be ok, mine won't be. She knows that I had given my heart to someone once who didn't deserve it, and she didn't want me to make that mistake again. I responded to that by saying that she was wrong, and that what I had been through before was unique because I was manipulated into thinking the girl was the perfect person, and I told her that I know her better than that; and even if we ever did, by some odd chance of fate, end up dating a long time down the road I wouldn't just give her my heart, she'd have to earn it and it would be a lot harder than she would think.
I told her I wouldn't question her anymore, but only because I was afraid she'd completely cut me off if I did. I was pretty sure she was in denial, and when I talked to a co-worker at the school I work at who is a profesional councelor I was told that human beings, when they suffer from issues that are this kind of severity, can't just bounce back. I was told that she's actually in denial, and at some point she's won't be able to hold it all together. As I go back over what she's said and written it becomes more and more clear to me that she's in denial. And I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel like I can confront her about it, because she'll shut me out more than she has. But I don't want to let her keep destroying herself either.
After that we started to hang out a lot more for several weeks, and I kept asking her how she was doing, and after about a week and a half she said she was fine and everything was ok. Then one evening while we where having a group session in the campus ministry, she told people that she had issues, but she changed her story pretty drastically. She said she had gotten rid of a lot of the stuff in her life before becoming a Christian, but had never invited God to come in and fill the holes. She didn't mention that she struggled with trusting God to fill the holes, and that she had trouble giving up control of her own life because of that, and that is why she was having those issues. So later that week, I wrote her a message and asked her if everything was really all right, or if she had gone back to hiding from the issue, because that is what she had always done before.
At that point she got frustrated with me for questioning her sincerity and told me that when I did, and when I talked about the stuff she had gone through before, it kept her from being able to move past it. After that we still hung out but we didn't talk about any of the stuff she had gone through.
Well, one weekend during an event she ended up deciding to distance herself from me. At first I couldn't tell what was going on, so I kept trying to talk to her. Sometimes she'd talk to me, sometimes she would avoid me. Eventually I managed to flag her down alone and tried to talk to her but she blew up at me. After we all got home she wrote me and apologized, and told me she had been avoiding me because she always does that when she confides something deeply emotional with someone because she is reminded of what she shared and feels like she can't move past it if she is reminded of it. She told me that she's the kind of person who, once she settles an idea moves past it in a couple of days; and to be reminded of it keeps her from being able to move past it, and being around that person, and being questioned holds her back.
She then said that I had spent way too much time with her over the weekend event, and that someone had even referred to me as her shadow. When I ended up writing her back I responded by saying that I was pretty sure that wasn't the case, and even pointed out quite clearly that spent more time with over half of the people in the group that weekend than with her, and when I had even asked other people on the trip who I spent the most time with that weekend everyone I asked all said the same person, and it wasn't her.
She also said that she felt like I was starting to fall in love with her and that she was going to have to set up boundaries to guard my heart, because while she is an emotionally closed off person and her heart will be ok, mine won't be. She knows that I had given my heart to someone once who didn't deserve it, and she didn't want me to make that mistake again. I responded to that by saying that she was wrong, and that what I had been through before was unique because I was manipulated into thinking the girl was the perfect person, and I told her that I know her better than that; and even if we ever did, by some odd chance of fate, end up dating a long time down the road I wouldn't just give her my heart, she'd have to earn it and it would be a lot harder than she would think.
I told her I wouldn't question her anymore, but only because I was afraid she'd completely cut me off if I did. I was pretty sure she was in denial, and when I talked to a co-worker at the school I work at who is a profesional councelor I was told that human beings, when they suffer from issues that are this kind of severity, can't just bounce back. I was told that she's actually in denial, and at some point she's won't be able to hold it all together. As I go back over what she's said and written it becomes more and more clear to me that she's in denial. And I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel like I can confront her about it, because she'll shut me out more than she has. But I don't want to let her keep destroying herself either.
