Hi all
My story is I got teased a lot when I was younger for being gay<edit>.
I actually was asked by my older brothers friend to perform oral sex on his younger brother, and when word got out my older brother told a lot of my friends. I also acted effeminate and animated, and starting in late elementary through high school I got teased a lot<edit>.
At some point I just turned off the effeminate mannerisms, and started becoming tough because I wanted to fit in so bad and stopped being teased. But still got a hard time through high school. I never consciously felt attracted to men until about 21 years old, I was looking at pornography and found myself looking at the man while I was masturbating. It scared me so much. For years, I was convinced I was gay and just hiding it. I saw myself looking at men but acting so tough and living in denial. I have had a hard time being with women, and it is hard for me to be in a relationship because I am so scared she is going to think I am gay or try and dominate me at some point. It has ruined all of my female relationships. I am also attracted to woman, and struggle with looking at them much more than men, but maybe it is just because I am in major denial and cannot handle the reprecussions and consequences of admitting I am gay. I have built a whole identity that denies any gayness, and maybe the wall I have built has so much effort into it, that I actually believe I am not gay.
I am so ashamed of the fact that I might be gay. I have a lot of male pride, but effiminate qualities come through. I don't want to be gay. I think I came to Christianity as another way to hide from being gay. It is so shameful, the feelings of it kill me. Even if I had to admit that I was gay in order to have God help me, it is just too much for me to bear. I have survived on my own merits for years, and I cannot put my guard down. I wish it would just go away, there is a lot of paranoia and I think it has much more to do with the fear of man than the fear of God. If everyone knew I was struggling with this, it would be the end for me. I have wanted to kill myself because of this before, because of the shame. I have actually (mildly) tried and was hospitalized another time. I believe that the fear that I am gay has been the under lying issue of every other problem and stuggle I have had in my life.
Please let me know if you have any advise for help.
My story is I got teased a lot when I was younger for being gay<edit>.
I actually was asked by my older brothers friend to perform oral sex on his younger brother, and when word got out my older brother told a lot of my friends. I also acted effeminate and animated, and starting in late elementary through high school I got teased a lot<edit>.
At some point I just turned off the effeminate mannerisms, and started becoming tough because I wanted to fit in so bad and stopped being teased. But still got a hard time through high school. I never consciously felt attracted to men until about 21 years old, I was looking at pornography and found myself looking at the man while I was masturbating. It scared me so much. For years, I was convinced I was gay and just hiding it. I saw myself looking at men but acting so tough and living in denial. I have had a hard time being with women, and it is hard for me to be in a relationship because I am so scared she is going to think I am gay or try and dominate me at some point. It has ruined all of my female relationships. I am also attracted to woman, and struggle with looking at them much more than men, but maybe it is just because I am in major denial and cannot handle the reprecussions and consequences of admitting I am gay. I have built a whole identity that denies any gayness, and maybe the wall I have built has so much effort into it, that I actually believe I am not gay.
I am so ashamed of the fact that I might be gay. I have a lot of male pride, but effiminate qualities come through. I don't want to be gay. I think I came to Christianity as another way to hide from being gay. It is so shameful, the feelings of it kill me. Even if I had to admit that I was gay in order to have God help me, it is just too much for me to bear. I have survived on my own merits for years, and I cannot put my guard down. I wish it would just go away, there is a lot of paranoia and I think it has much more to do with the fear of man than the fear of God. If everyone knew I was struggling with this, it would be the end for me. I have wanted to kill myself because of this before, because of the shame. I have actually (mildly) tried and was hospitalized another time. I believe that the fear that I am gay has been the under lying issue of every other problem and stuggle I have had in my life.
Please let me know if you have any advise for help.
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I'm very glad you came to Christianity though; let the Lord into your life and embrace the love of Jesus! Have a long conversation with God, that's what I normally do when I'm feeling troubled 
