Dealing with very strict parents.

[OneYoungMan]

So, I'm writing this primarily to work though my thoughts but I'm also interested in what people think about this subject.

I just started dating a girl last night. We've known each other for six years through a summer camp we both work at pretty much every year. Recently we started talking every night and we were basically in a relationship but in order to be official it was made clear to me I had to obtain her father's permission. I was fine with that to be honest. I'm a traditional guy and I can appreciate those values but here's the thing. During the conversation her father told me he expected us to have a chaperone at all times and it had to be either them (her parents) my parents or one of her siblings. To be clear, I'm 22 and she's 20. If we were 16 I could understand but at our age I don't know how to process that level of restriction. I'm not even sure what exactly I asked permission for because I currently have less access to her than I did when I was just a friend.
I would never expect to be allowed totally unsupervised access but I mean, it's reasonable to be able to take a girl out to dinner in a public place and have her back by 8 right? How am I supposed to get to know a girl when apparently 1 on 1 time is to be saved for marriage.

The kicker is that she (the daughter) is more frustrated and surprised by the situation then I am and wasn't aware how strict her parents intended to be. I'm pretty sure she's scared that I'm going to be run off by these rules and regulations, which makes me upset.

To top it off we live 7 hours apart so the time we get to see each other is extremely limited.

So to summarize. I'm frustrated by the suffocating restrictions placed by her parents because I feel like they are in part unnecessary and harmful to the potential development of a long term relationship. I'm also worried about how this makes the daughter feel. However, I will not go behind her parents back in any way. I will not yield my honor simply because the rules are tough and I will not demonstrate to the woman who I may or may not marry that I only do what's right when it's convenient for me.

and this girl is worth whatever I have to do. If I had a list of things I wanted in a woman she checks them all off and adds a few more I didn't know about.

If you have thoughts or advice please share but I don't see any option other than just dealing with it. I hold out some hope that they're just freaking out because it's her first official relationship and they will loosen up a tad bit but I do believe it to be unlikely.

-OneYoungMan

 

[soulwanderer13]

I would agree with you that those rules are too strict. You both are adults, and I personally think that you should start being treated as such (even a little) so that once you guys are thrown out into the real world on your own you won't be shocked. I have sort of similar problems as you. I'm 21, and my parents are strict, but not that strict. But they don't like the idea of my fiance and I being alone together in a room even if there are other people right in the next room. We're not even boyfriend and girlfriend, we are fiance's. The only reason I'm still living with my parents and he living with his because we are saving up money while we go to college so that we can move out somewhere else (hopefully some time next year). I know that my parents have no ill intent, and that they are protective, but I guess I don't see how you can get close to anyone without having some one on one time. Close enough that you find out you want to marry each other.
I'm sure there are many who disagree with me though. I am religious but maybe a little more lenient on some religious rules than others. For your case, is this girl their oldest daughter? I am the oldest in my family, and I think that parents tend to be the strictest with their oldest because they are going through these things for the first time and they don't really know how to handle it. That would be my guess, but I could be wrong.
As for some advice, I'm really not sure. You could try expressing your concerns to her parents, if you feel up to it. You are an adult and so are they, and so one would hope that they would be able to discuss that sort of thing with you in a mature way. You could try waiting it out to see what happens. Indeed it is a sticky situation. I hope that you can get it worked out though.

 

[salt-n-light]

So, I'm writing this primarily to work though my thoughts but I'm also interested in what people think about this subject.

I just started dating a girl last night. We've known each other for six years through a summer camp we both work at pretty much every year. Recently we started talking every night and we were basically in a relationship but in order to be official it was made clear to me I had to obtain her father's permission. I was fine with that to be honest. I'm a traditional guy and I can appreciate those values but here's the thing. During the conversation her father told me he expected us to have a chaperone at all times and it had to be either them (her parents) my parents or one of her siblings. To be clear, I'm 22 and she's 20. If we were 16 I could understand but at our age I don't know how to process that level of restriction. I'm not even sure what exactly I asked permission for because I currently have less access to her than I did when I was just a friend.
I would never expect to be allowed totally unsupervised access but I mean, it's reasonable to be able to take a girl out to dinner in a public place and have her back by 8 right? How am I supposed to get to know a girl when apparently 1 on 1 time is to be saved for marriage.

The kicker is that she (the daughter) is more frustrated and surprised by the situation then I am and wasn't aware how strict her parents intended to be. I'm pretty sure she's scared that I'm going to be run off by these rules and regulations, which makes me upset.

To top it off we live 7 hours apart so the time we get to see each other is extremely limited.

So to summarize. I'm frustrated by the suffocating restrictions placed by her parents because I feel like they are in part unnecessary and harmful to the potential development of a long term relationship. I'm also worried about how this makes the daughter feel. However, I will not go behind her parents back in any way. I will not yield my honor simply because the rules are tough and I will not demonstrate to the woman who I may or may not marry that I only do what's right when it's convenient for me.

and this girl is worth whatever I have to do. If I had a list of things I wanted in a woman she checks them all off and adds a few more I didn't know about.

If you have thoughts or advice please share but I don't see any option other than just dealing with it. I hold out some hope that they're just freaking out because it's her first official relationship and they will loosen up a tad bit but I do believe it to be unlikely.

-OneYoungMan

Oh the struggles of courting lol!

Did this conversation happen between just you and the father? Or was the girl present? Is her mom around? Maybe schedule a 2nd meeting with the father and the girl (and the mom if she's around?) present, and come up with a game plan together.Maybe his worry is that he is anxious, or maybe doesn't know you well enough yet, and probably calling to check in instead of him being physical there will suffice.Maybe all it takes is to come to a family gathering of some sorts to gain more trust. Come up with ideas and present them and find middle ground that is workable for everyone. If you want long term, you have to come up with arrangements that can work long term.

But if this will be a hinderance on the growth of the relationship, I would stay friends as to respect the father.It's better to leave on their good side, then stay on their bad side. Time will only tell if the opportunity arises where you two can be more comfortable having a relationship, or if a better opportunity arises with another girl.

I know, sounds harsh, but I trust you'll approach it with a good heart. Pray about it and communicate with others. Be encouraged.

 

[Humble me Lord]

I think you answered your own question when you said, " this girl is worth whatever I have to do".
Pray about it and let Him be your guide
God bless you

 

[Jane_Doe]

So, I'm writing this primarily to work though my thoughts but I'm also interested in what people think about this subject.

I just started dating a girl last night. We've known each other for six years through a summer camp we both work at pretty much every year. Recently we started talking every night and we were basically in a relationship but in order to be official it was made clear to me I had to obtain her father's permission. I was fine with that to be honest. I'm a traditional guy and I can appreciate those values but here's the thing. During the conversation her father told me he expected us to have a chaperone at all times and it had to be either them (her parents) my parents or one of her siblings. To be clear, I'm 22 and she's 20. If we were 16 I could understand but at our age I don't know how to process that level of restriction. I'm not even sure what exactly I asked permission for because I currently have less access to her than I did when I was just a friend.
I would never expect to be allowed totally unsupervised access but I mean, it's reasonable to be able to take a girl out to dinner in a public place and have her back by 8 right? How am I supposed to get to know a girl when apparently 1 on 1 time is to be saved for marriage.

The kicker is that she (the daughter) is more frustrated and surprised by the situation then I am and wasn't aware how strict her parents intended to be. I'm pretty sure she's scared that I'm going to be run off by these rules and regulations, which makes me upset.

To top it off we live 7 hours apart so the time we get to see each other is extremely limited.

So to summarize. I'm frustrated by the suffocating restrictions placed by her parents because I feel like they are in part unnecessary and harmful to the potential development of a long term relationship. I'm also worried about how this makes the daughter feel. However, I will not go behind her parents back in any way. I will not yield my honor simply because the rules are tough and I will not demonstrate to the woman who I may or may not marry that I only do what's right when it's convenient for me.

and this girl is worth whatever I have to do. If I had a list of things I wanted in a woman she checks them all off and adds a few more I didn't know about.

If you have thoughts or advice please share but I don't see any option other than just dealing with it. I hold out some hope that they're just freaking out because it's her first official relationship and they will loosen up a tad bit but I do believe it to be unlikely.

-OneYoungMan

Are their rules unreasonable? A person could quite easily argue yes.

However: it's not you place to argue with them. If your girlfriend wants to discuss it with them, then she can. She and they need to be on the same page.

If they talk and decide on something else, then go with it. If they stay where they are, then you got to go with that too. If you want to date this girl, that's what's involved.

 

[Fivesenses]

A pastor use to say that Christians (with good intentions) sometime make courtship/romance/dating way more complicated than it needs to be. Chaperones can be a good idea depending on the age, season of your relationship and the individual involved, just like how one set of rules can work well with one couple but can be disastrous for another. This is why you still get the dating vs courtship debate because people come out with different experiences.

Be careful to not lean too much onto the liberal side (pride in your own self-control can lead to destruction) but also stay away from legalism (adding fence rules to God's call for no fornication) - either one can be detrimental to the long-term development of your relationship. They key is to love and honour each other in addition to placing each other's needs and wellbeing above self, which means to consider what is best for her:
- Waiting until marriage to have sex (work on any unhealthy expectations,
sexual addictions, warped view of sex in the mean time)
- Affirm her that she is very beautiful & desirable
- Don't make her more upset at her father about the rules but empathise
with her situation. Many women would just want their man to understand
their emotions even if the situation cannot be fixed)
- Communicate with each other about the boundaries of your relationship
and as time goes by, these boundaries might need to adapt/shift
depending on both of you, the context and situation.

I experienced a similar situation (mid/late twenties) but fortunately, it wasn't our parents who wanted to impose courtship rules onto us but rather, it was him who wanted to implement all these rules. These ranged from having parents' permission to date to chaperones to no physical touch. It was a pain and burden for me personally so we ended up adapting our rules because the whole thing felt artificial and we couldn't connect on a deeper romantic or emotional level. I'm glad we made those changes and had honest conversations about how to benefit the relationship.

The foundational rules that have not changed and will not change:
1. No fornicating of course - but also includes no clothes off, nudity or touching/caressing body parts that are considered sexual in nature.

2. Not being left alone in an enclosed space or room - parents must be in the house while we are over at each other's place to be respectful and avoid compromising situations

3. Returning home at a reasonable hour (nothing really past 9pm on usual dates) and letting family know the approximate time we will be back if we are running late.

The rules that have shifted over time:
1. Chaperones: we had my family as chaperones for the first few months of our relationship until I decided to do away with the whole concept because it was just too inconvenient and annoying for them and myself- we couldn't bond together over the activities with people around us, show any sort of affection, have serious conversations about life. Looking back, though, I'm glad we did get to share some time with our family over activities and see how each other behaved around people. I'm fine as long as chaperones are not for every single date. We still have group dates here and there but it isn't set in stone - just discernment and wisdom about when we should have group dates.

I can tell you that the most important, transparent, memorable, and deep conversations that helped us experience spiritual and emotional breakthroughs were the ones where we had by ourselves face to face (without the distractions of chaperones). We could express and show our disappointments, frustrations, grief but also abundantly express our affection, tears, love, honesty and prayers to each other. We could have never done that if my siblings were hanging around us.

2. No physical touch: this one annoyed both of us eventually because as we grew more in love and emotionally connected, it was just a natural desire to want to reach out and give a hug or hold hands, especially when I was upset (I just wanted a hug). We spent unnecessary time stressing over suppressing this manifestation of love which was not sexual in nature at all (at least for us). I'm more than glad that we enjoy some cuddling time while talking about life and I get to hold his hand whenever I want. Looking back though, I'm glad we developed communication skills and our emotional connection before any physical touch was involved as things can escalate quickly and you might become too obsessed with touch than genuine conversations. Be wise about what kind of physical affection you allow as you'd want more and more after time passes so be sparing and take things very slow.

There's a few other ones but I think the above two are the most prevalent among Christian courtships so I'll stop here. Hopefully you found it helpful but remember that every relationship can appear different and you guys need to work out what is best for you and stop worrying about models/formulas.