dealing with the parentals

[Rockinpaintballa]

Well as I have started aging into my teenage years me and my mother seem to be constantly bickering at one another and usually ends with me grounded. She is always yelling and being mean or as she says "im just talking loud" Is it not safe to say that if your talking above your normal tone of voice and your irritated/angry/etc that you are indeed yelling? If I deserved to be treated that way fine but she just randomly does it. Ex. yesterday my little sister was on the phone outside and was sweating and I used it after she was done and told her I could smell her stink from the phone and it was gross. I proceeded to wipe off the phone on her pillow case my mother looks over at me and starts yelling about how I do some of the stupidest things ever and that I talk about things they do and I go do that. Yelling to the top of her lungs being really mean about it. Before I ever was able to say anything etc. Would a good decent parent not talk in a normal tone of voice and in a nice manner asking why I did such a thing? I then proceeded to ask her the above question and tell her I'm sick of her treating that way all ways yelling and being mean and hate the fact she cant be nice about a situation. So this escalates into I backtalk and all this other ****. Why? I guess because I said something about I dont like her yelling at me all the time? What are your thoughts on the situation? What do you suggest I do? What would be the proper way for her to handle such a situation? Thoughts...comments...all appreciated.

 

[Kerouac71]

Well as I have started aging into my teenage years me and my mother seem to be constantly bickering at one another and usually ends with me grounded. She is always yelling and being mean or as she says "im just talking loud" Is it not safe to say that if your talking above your normal tone of voice and your irritated/angry/etc that you are indeed yelling? If I deserved to be treated that way fine but she just randomly does it. Ex. yesterday my little sister was on the phone outside and was sweating and I used it after she was done and told her I could smell her stink from the phone and it was gross. I proceeded to wipe off the phone on her pillow case my mother looks over at me and starts yelling about how I do some of the stupidest things ever and that I talk about things they do and I go do that. Yelling to the top of her lungs being really mean about it. Before I ever was able to say anything etc. Would a good decent parent not talk in a normal tone of voice and in a nice manner asking why I did such a thing? I then proceeded to ask her the above question and tell her I'm sick of her treating that way all ways yelling and being mean and hate the fact she cant be nice about a situation. So this escalates into I backtalk and all this other ****. Why? I guess because I said something about I dont like her yelling at me all the time? What are your thoughts on the situation? What do you suggest I do? What would be the proper way for her to handle such a situation? Thoughts...comments...all appreciated.

Well for starters I would step back and really take a look at what the parent is going through. I try really hard to explain to my son that when I am upset with something he did it's not him that I am upset at it is the actions he chose. Also your very own wording may have something to with the situation. "I'm sick of..." Whoa take it easy are you sure is upset at you and no redirecting something else that bothers her? This is a really hard situation to deal with which I have had in my own childhood. It's really hard sometimes to not react the same way to my son. It is a lot of work for parents believe it or nto but you already have a head start on it so keep posting and I will do what I can for prayer, advice, etc.

 

[Rockinpaintballa]

mmm crapola is censored? wierd

anyway yea I do realize I may have been a little mmm overstepping the boundries? with my wording but it really has gotten to the point where it does just totally P me off. This is just one situation out of many. A few times a year of her flying off the way she does yea understandable I do that. But 1 time or more per week? Honestly I try to be the best christian kid I can be but still get **** like this. She doesnt realize the **** a 16 year old guy goes thru becuz he waits for sex and everyone at school knows it or the fact I've never touched an alocholic drink,drug,cigarette,etc. I try to stay on a really right path with God but stuff such as this still happens. So obviosly I'm a pretty good kid. She attends church herself a different church than I attend but still shes a proclaimed christian. I just wish she would learn to handle things differently and take a more caring softer toned approach at things.

 

[Kerouac71]

Ah, the life of a teen. Have you tried to sit down with her at all. I mean open the door and say "Mom, I want to TALK to you." This is what's going on with me what's going on with you? Just really open up and let it all out. I am not saying this will work in any way but I think it would be worth it.

 

[Rockinpaintballa]

yep I try that quite often. She wont talk. Shes just like im right your wrong and I dont wanna hear it kind of attitude.

 

[Kerouac71]

yep I try that quite often. She wont talk. Shes just like im right your wrong and I dont wanna hear it kind of attitude.

Wow, now you got me stumped. There has to be a reason why she is reacting like this to you. How is she with your sister? Is your father around? How old is your sister? I am only asking becasue I really want to help you figure this out. If you don't feel comfortable posting the answers I understand. Does mom work or is she a Stay at home mom? All of these things are huge factors in personality.

 

[Rockinpaintballa]

mmm sister can basically say can I goto mall and its how fast should i drive 35 mph or 40 I ask and its no i dont fee like it.

mother/father divorced but I have a stepfather at the house.

sister=13

mom works often 12+ hours a day

 

[Kerouac71]

So how do you and stepdad get along? What does mom do for work? It could very well be that she is angry at work and thinks you won't understand what she is going through but instead of explaining such she lashes out with anger. Do mom & stepdad argue a lot?

 

[Rockinpaintballa]

we were getting along great but here lately he has attitudes also. They dont tend to argue a lot. Mom works at a mill and cleans apartments on the side.

 

[Linnis]

If your mother works 12 hours a day, a lot of her attitude could be stress.

Write your mother a letter. Maybe when you talk to her, she reacts before she actually listens because she may be stressed. Don't put all the blame on her. Maybe after telling her you don't like ening yelled at all the time, maybe you could offer to help out more around the house. Don't forget to say you love her and really want to be able to get along with her better.

 

[AimN]

I agree with Linnis, a letter would probably be a good tool to use. There is no tone of voice in a letter. Also, make sure that you don't accuse her, just let her know that you are looking to better your relationship with her. How do you think she would respond if instead of telling her not to yell at you, you look her right in the eye and with sincerity say "Yes, Mom"?
I also have to add that it might not be what you say, but how you say it. If you come off as being cocky or mouthy it may be putting her on the defensive right away.
Aimee

 

[Linnis]

Giving your Mother random hugs and I love yous goes a long way. I'm serious.

 

[christalee4]

Hi there Rockin: what you are going through with your mother at your age and at her age is a fairly common occurence between mothers and daughters during this stage of life. Many mothers and daughters start clashing anytime between 13 and 18, after having had a loving, close relationship for many years. I think there are several reasons for these personality wars. One is possibly hormonal, both on your mother's and your side. And the other is a developmental issue that your mother may be having problems dealing with.

I remember from the ages of 15-18, my mother and I were at odds over many things. I did well in school, and was considered to be a high achiever, but I wanted to be independent of that. I used to argue with my mother over small things - I felt my mother was too controlling with me when I wanted to go out with my friends and boys. My mother couldn't handle the fact that I was no longer the passive, automatically obedient daughter I had been previously, and that I was questioning certain rules that were keeping me in the house more than I wanted. My goodness, there were many incidences of yelling, emotional drama, and crying. My mother would yell at me, and it seemed that her words, even spoken with quiet anger, did more to hurt me and distance her from me. At the time, my mother was also going through menopause, and she herself was going through mood swings, depression and irritability. It didn't register with me at the time, because being a teen, I was thinking about myself, my feelings and "why is mother like this to me?".

I think mothers also mourn the loss of closeness with their teenage daughters, as their daughters become independent-thinking. You go from cherishing your little girl, to battling someone who now yells back, or questions your decisions and rules.

This will pass. Perhaps you need to step back and try to understand what your mother is going through, and your mother also needs to give you a little space so that you can start taking some responsibilities and become more independent and confident in your journey to young adulthood. Eventually when you are out of the house and on your own, you won't be her little girl anymore, and that transition will come up faster than you think.

My mother and I are now very close, but your post reminded me of those times!

 

[feline]

Let me say that I want to validate your feelings because I too had a painful relationship with my mom when I was in my teens. My mother worked hard outside of the home and had two children to raise while dealing with depression. Looking back, I want to kick my teen self for the ways I reacted to her stress and frustration. I don't think it's right for a parent to yell at their child or disregard their feelings. But I really think if you make an attempt to reach her by doing caring things (cleaning the house, making her a cup of tea, bringing flowers, etc) it will do wonders for your relationship. If she doesn't respond, she will be the loser. It might also help to talk to somone about your feelings, like a counselor or mentor. Sometimes it helps to vent so those feelings won't explode during an intense conversation or situation with your mom. Good luck.

 

[Rockinpaintballa]

Hi there Rockin: what you are going through with your mother at your age and at her age is a fairly common occurence between mothers and daughters during this stage of life. Many mothers and daughters start clashing anytime between 13 and 18, after having had a loving, close relationship for many years. I think there are several reasons for these personality wars. One is possibly hormonal, both on your mother's and your side. And the other is a developmental issue that your mother may be having problems dealing with.

I remember from the ages of 15-18, my mother and I were at odds over many things. I did well in school, and was considered to be a high achiever, but I wanted to be independent of that. I used to argue with my mother over small things - I felt my mother was too controlling with me when I wanted to go out with my friends and boys. My mother couldn't handle the fact that I was no longer the passive, automatically obedient daughter I had been previously, and that I was questioning certain rules that were keeping me in the house more than I wanted. My goodness, there were many incidences of yelling, emotional drama, and crying. My mother would yell at me, and it seemed that her words, even spoken with quiet anger, did more to hurt me and distance her from me. At the time, my mother was also going through menopause, and she herself was going through mood swings, depression and irritability. It didn't register with me at the time, because being a teen, I was thinking about myself, my feelings and "why is mother like this to me?".

I think mothers also mourn the loss of closeness with their teenage daughters, as their daughters become independent-thinking. You go from cherishing your little girl, to battling someone who now yells back, or questions your decisions and rules.

This will pass. Perhaps you need to step back and try to understand what your mother is going through, and your mother also needs to give you a little space so that you can start taking some responsibilities and become more independent and confident in your journey to young adulthood. Eventually when you are out of the house and on your own, you won't be her little girl anymore, and that transition will come up faster than you think.

My mother and I are now very close, but your post reminded me of those times!

mmm I'm a male

 

[AimN]

Rocken, forgot to ask--but how old is your mom? Could she be going through menopause? Hormones can alter the way a woman might handle a situation. Not making any excuses for her, but just curious.
Aimee

 

[christalee4]

mmm I'm a male

Same deal, but boys tend to clamp down more on their emotions than girls.

I have a fifteen year old son, and I have learned to give him space when he needs it.

I think sons need to separate from moms somewhat during their teen years, in order to feel less like young children. I am there for my son, but I try not to coddle him, or fuss over him. At the same time, the son needs to learn to be independent and responsible; he should be asking mom what can I do to help? He should be doing his own laundry, learning how to make dinner by himself, helping his mom shop and doing odd jobs around the house. At the same time, mom needs to give him his space and let him make some of his own decisions.

 

[Rockinpaintballa]

dont think its menopause quite yet thats like 40 and after I think?
shes like umm 35 maybe lol idk actually i know its somewhere around mid 30.

 

[AimN]

Rockin,
How have things been going? Have you considered writing a letter? You know that even if you don't give it to her, it's also good to just write everything your feeling down and get it out. That way you won't have to worry about holding back anything.(it would be for your eyes only) Then if you feel the need (to be sure no one else reads it) destroy it. It can be a good release.
I am sure you already know but just let me remind you that ultimately confiding in the Lord is the best answer.
Aimee

 

[3girls2dogs]

Write your mother a letter........ Don't forget to say you love her and really want to be able to get along with her better.

This is a really good idea. My 15 year old and I were having some major trouble communicating and my husband (her stepdad) thought letters may be a solution because she and I both keep journals. It really worked. We only needed a few to start the wheels moving and now we talk a lot more.

I work 2 jobs myself and I can tell you, sometimes I am just plain exhausted. Now, I am not claiming this is an excuse, but I work them both because she is 4 years away from college and I am panicking for her and for the cost of it. I also have 2 much younger children from my husband and I know there is some resentment there too, but in a mother's defense, I am trying to do the best I can too. I am sure she is feeling the stress too.

Try to remember that your mother has her own feelings going through her head and is probably trying very hard to deal with them herself. I know parents are supposed to "perfect" but we sometimes are at a loss also. Try the letter, it is a way to step back and let several emotions pass before formulating a response. Good luck and God Bless.