Dealing With Memories

[abi19]

I was abused when I was younger and also when I was a teenager. I'm older now and for awhile the memories weren't that bad but all of a sudden I started having really, really, bad flashbacks. Everything seems to remind me of it in some way. I can't get it out of my head and nothing will dull it enough. I don't know why this started now, I saw my parents recently and that might be what triggered it...but it's just getting worse and worse. I feel really depressed and worthless, and I feel like everyone who looks at me can see and know I'm worthless or something...
Any advice on how any of you deal with this?
thanks,
abi

 

[GiLphish7284]

abi,I'm all ears...IT's tough...I'll pm u.

 

[Newchristian001]

I know the feeling and the struggle oh too well. the reason I turned to christianity was probably the fact that I was Abused at the age of 12 and then again late last year and early this year...and I struggle every day with the effect that it has on my life, and even the slightest mention of anything to remotely do with the topic of sexual abuse kills me to hear it...its a struggle only God will fully understand...thats what I have come to conclude....but it doesn't make it any easier. God makes us stronger through our weaknesses..its all I can say...know how you feel though. I have intense struggles too.

 

[GuineaP]

Hi, Abi
I'm new here, too.

I felt compelled to reply to your post, because I have been through the flashbacks, and I know it's like living it all over again.
I sometimes wonder how I ever survived, but perhaps this very thing that you are dealing with is like a built in survival technique. As a kid, I guess we put things away and when we're older as life challenges us, we go into that old trunk in the attic and pull out these things unconsciously, as we become more able to cope.
Often I would be driving somewhere or cleaning house when I would be floored with the reality of some of the situations I had erased. All of the events surrounding them had always remained up front, but I had never allowed myself to fully comprehend just what had happened. I remembered the trip to the hospital (and knew all my life I had kidney problems), my father not being there when I came home and that he had been gone for six months following. What came back years later was the beating in all it's horror, the events leading up to it and the realization that my father had beaten me so badly that I nearly died.
One day my husband came home from work and standing there in the living room he emptied his pockets but rather than pulling his belt off in the bedroom he did it there in the livingroom. The sound of the belt whipping through the loops sent me into an hysterical frenzy. I couldn't explain for sometime what was wrong. He felt so horrible, but it wasn't him. It was a sound that had made me numb as a child, but as an adult I was finally able to cry out and run and hide like I had wanted to so badly as a child but dared not. I think that was the day I finally faced my fear (not fears) and allowed myself to be afraid.
Over a ten year period, all of these disturbing and confusing events culminated to one moment, when I was watching a movie. It sounds so corny, but in Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams tells Will "It's not your fault"- I absolutely fell apart. I cried so hard. I finally was able to allow myself to grieve.

As horrible as this all seems, I think it is part of the healing process. I think it's important to face our demons, and hopefully when we do we are able to allow the power of God to cast them out, to heal our wounds, comfort and love us. In order to truly and wholly heal, we must also forgive, and how is it possible without the love of God.

As hard as it is to go through, I hope you can find comfort in knowing that God is there for you. You will grow from this, into the person you should be, not the one who is afraid or distant, angry or quiet. You will begin to live life as you choose, not as you must.


You will be in my prayers.

Guinea

 

[abi19]

Thanks for replying everybody! I can't believe you mentioned that movie! I watched it a couple years ago and watching that part was so awful! It made me cry all night. It's like what I always wanted to believe but couldn't convince myself of...
My flashbacks are often triggered by things as small as certain kinds of lighting and objects though. Basements that look a certain way, or even just older men.

I don't know if it's normal though. Because for awhile I was bothered by it, but not in the same way I am now. Now it's much worse. Is this a normal reaction?

 

[GuineaP]

I can't say if it's normal or not. For me, it came at a time when I needed to deal with it because it was affecting my life and relationships. I survived and got out of there and I became strong and I rose so high to overcome that no one could ever lift their foot high enough to step on me. But from way up there no one could ever get close, either. This made feel so alone in a world full of people. I wasn't happy even though I was reaching my goals and beyond. Paul was right - what are we without love?

Guinea

 

[Ann Doupont]

Hi Abi,

Yes, I have advice on this subject. I, too, used to have flashbacks (many of them) before the Lord healed me from them.

I have read some books on inner healing (also known as "healing of the memories") as well as having gone to a seminar on the subject. I have implemented a lot of what they suggested and also come up some of my own ideas.

First of all, instead of trying to forget that memory, face it. Look it square in the face, so to speak, and say, "Jesus, come into this memory with me." The very first time I did this, after about 2 seconds, there was peace between me and the thought, and I've never seen it again (and it has been many year since).

Another thing that helps is to quote Philippians 3:13-14 over & over. This one thing I do (It doesn't say that God does it. It said that "I" do it.) Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth toward the things that are before me, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. God will help us forget the things behind. He did this for the apostle Paul, and He is no respecter of persons. What He has done for one, He'll do for another.

You could also simply pray, "Father, help me to forget these memories. I know that I can't change them. These things really happened. But, I want to be able to change my attitude toward them, and I ask You to help me do this, In Jesus' Name, I pray. Amen."

Usually, flashbacks occur when something reminds us of the original event that traumatized us. I've had many, and taking them one by one, the Lord has healed me from them.

God bless you. He will heal you, too, if you are willing to go through the process.

Ann

 

[Ann Doupont]

I wanted to add something to what I already wrote here. On the "Devotions" forum, I posted a message entitled, "Inner Healing." It might be beneficial to those who are suffering from flashbacks. The date that it now shows as someone last posting there is August 5, 2005. As of right now, it's on about page 6 of the Devotions forum.

Ann

 

[leigh01]

i think all you can do is think ov all the lovely memories and the gr8 thing that will happen to you in the future
love ya
love leigh
xxx

 

[alleycat]

I am new to this forum. I am a child abuse and rape survivor. I came to this forum seeking something, but I am still not sure what that is. Some recent events in my life have brought back things from my past that were buried deep and never spoken of. I may as well start at the beginning and maybe someone can tell me what I am looking for.

My uncle sexually assalted me, my brother and my sister when I was five years old. I remember this. I have never had any trouble remembering it. I also remember telling my mom and dad. I thought it was a funny game and my sister and I told them over supper, giggling. I remember that I could not understnad the angry looks that spread across their faces as we told them. However, this was the first and only time the incident was ever spoken of with my parents. I never knew what happened as a result of telling them, all I knew was that I was never supposed to see my uncle again. And I didn't. I grew up with this strange void in my life, never knowing my cousins, just seeing the occasional picture of them at my grandparents house.

As I said, the incident was never spoken of with my parents. Once in a while my sister would talk to me about it. She was only 4 at the time and couldn't remember things as clearly. She sometimes felt that she had made it up in her head, but knew it had to be real since we never saw my uncle or his family.

A couple months ago my grandfather died we were forced to see my uncle and his family at the funeral. I was silently dreading this unfortunate family reunion, but also somewhat anxious to see my cousins. My whole life I wondered about them, because I never knew them, but also because I wondered if he would hurt them too, the way he hurt me and my siblings. For most of my life I consoled myself with the (unproven) idea that he was not the type of monster that could hurt his own children, just some elses. So I met my cousins at the funeral and was relieved to see that they seemed entirely normal. Could these 3 girls really have ever been hurt? It did not seem to be the case so I let myself believe it.

Sunday night my mom called me. She said she had some bad news that she had to tell me. She said that one of my cousins (who is 21 and the oldest of the 3) went to the police and told them that my uncle had been having sex with her her entire life. She had told her boyfriend what was going on and he convinced her to come forward. She said that she had told her mom several times and that she didn't do anything about it. She said that my uncle had also hurt the other two girls in the same way, especially the youngest (aged 10).

My mom said she was telling me this because my cousin told the police that he had previously been convicted of molesting me and my siblings. She said that the police might want to talk to me. This was all complete news to me. I had no idea that my cousin knew the reason why I had not been in her life since she was about a year old. I also had no idea that my uncle had been charged and convicted for what he did to me and my siblings. As I said above, this was never talked about, and sunday was the first time my mom ever said anything to me about what happened.

I got off the phone with my mom as quickly as I could. I could not bear for her to know how upset I was. I felt sick. I nearly vomitted. I was shaking and crying and I did not know what to do with myself. It was like everything that I thought that I had dealt with in my past came flooding back to me in that moment. It was remembering every detail of what happened to me and realizing that my cousins had it a million times worse. It was like I have been able to deal with the fact that he hurt me, but this was unbearable. I think a lot of it was guilt. Guilt that I knew that he was a monster and that I was unable to protect my cousins from him. My mom told me that my uncle only went to jail for 18 months for what he did to me and my siblings and some other kids (my mom did not say how many other kids). I was also angry at my parents for not protecting my cousins. It did not seem fair that they were able to protect me and my siblings but not those other three defenseless girls. And I feel guilty for feeling angry with them because it is obviously not there fault and I should be thankful that they were at least able to protect me. And I felt angry at the justice system because it failed them. Sure they might do something now, but the damage is already done. The only consolation that I get from it is that maybe now that my cousin spoke out, my uncle won't be able to hurt her or her sisters again.

And I feel like I should talk to her, but I don't know how and I don't know what to say. I have no problem talking to the police about what happened to me and I hope I can help her in any way, but I don't even know her. And it is all his fault. It is his fault that I am hurting and that my cousins are hurting and that I don't know my cousins, but I feel like it I get angry and upset and cry then my uncle has won. But I can't help but feel this way. It is all I can do now to go to work and try to keep my mind off it. It is impossible not to think about him hurting my cousins and it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to deal with this. That is why I came here, I guess. Because you guys know what it is like and maybe you know how to deal with this.

 

[4childofgod]

I was abused when I was younger and also when I was a teenager. I'm older now and for awhile the memories weren't that bad but all of a sudden I started having really, really, bad flashbacks. Everything seems to remind me of it in some way. I can't get it out of my head and nothing will dull it enough. I don't know why this started now, I saw my parents recently and that might be what triggered it...but it's just getting worse and worse. I feel really depressed and worthless, and I feel like everyone who looks at me can see and know I'm worthless or something...
Any advice on how any of you deal with this?
thanks,
abi

Yep I agree it is so hard seems like the memories and flashbacks get worse as you get older. I'm trying to work through these kinds of things at counseling but sometimes when I start to open up about the past I start to get physically sick. I feel your pain I'll be prayin