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4jacks said:Tough Spot Bro. . .
I'm all for recommending staying together when the spouse is sorry... but it really doesn't seem like your wife is.
It sounds to me like you are scared to leave her. You are scared that your kids will be damaged, that your life will be ruined or something of the like. Dude, you are biblically justified to leave her, and god will honor that and take care of you and your children.
I'm going to take the unpopular road and say to try leaving her and see if she wants you back for the RIGHT reasons. You want to be her husband not her safety net.
*granted* this recommendation is on the grounds that she did have intercourse with this dude. I personaly believe that if was only a hug and a kiss, that even though it is wrong it is not biblical grounds for divorce.
I'd ask the guy what went on if your wife isn't talking.
BigSkyGuy said:I think she is really struggling with her feeling for him, and wishes it hadnt ended so abruptly so she had options
GutterRat said:It doesn't sound like she is sorry for what happened - she's disappointed that it ended!
BigSkyGuy said:I have been thinking about maybe going and staying at our cabin for a while, I think she would be terribly hurt if I had a girl friend or something, she is usually a very jealous person, but I have always been faithful to her, to the extreme that I wont even flirt with other gals at work out of respect not to make her feel insecure. It is so hard when she is at home now trying to go through the motions to work it out but I dont think she can control her feelings, will they go away on their own? Do you guys think that there is a different way that her relationship should have ended with the other guy? I could arrange a meeting with the four of us for him to tell her it is over in front of his wife and myself? that sounds kind of controlling though. I just want some more closure to this is all.
revrobor said:Been there, done that. Twenty years into our marriage I came home from work one day and found a note my wife had left on the kitchen table. She had left and taken our five children with her. I did not see it coming and did not know there was a problem in the marriage. She was gone for 15 months and had affairs with five different men. During her absence I sought counseling in an effort to be the best me I could be. I did not pursue her. When she came back she asked my forgiveness and I granted it. To this day I have no problem with the fact that she was having sex with other men. What bothered me the most was the affect it had on our children as she was not parenting during that time even buying booze and cigarettes for our kids. Today she is my best friend and Sunday we will celebrate 36 years of marriage.
If your wife is repentant, as your post seems to indicate, then grant her your forgiveness (as Jesus would) and continue to work on your marriage and being the best you you can be. Don't play the "victim" and demand that your wife continue to pay for her mistake by putting a leash on her and requiring she report her every little move to you. And don't use the rediculous excuse that she "gave away" to someone else something that belongs to you to lay a guilt trip on her. Unless she brought back an STD (which mine did) nothing that belongs to you has been damaged, including her heart which she is apparently returning to you. The affair may not have even been a matter of the heart in the first place. My wife's was not.
Forgiveness is a choice. You will never forget what happened. But letting it interefere with your marriage is also a choice.
BigSkyGuy said:I have seen a marriage councelor we first started going together in June, she quit after 8 visits on her own and one as a couple, the Christian councelor told her over and over that her friendship she was developing with the other guy needed to end, and that it was robbing from our marriage eventhought she was just "friends" with him at the time. I continued to go off and on until the 1st of the year, he said she had a lot of stuff she wasnt willing to deal with and he didnt think she had much character and was going to continue to hurt me. SHE JUST CONFESSED TODAY THAT IT WAS MULTIPLE SESSIONS WITH HIM INTIMATELY, BUT NO SEX, EXCEPT SHE GAVE HIM ORAL TWICE, I FEEL DEVESTATED. Our intimacy had always been the best part of our relationship. She wasnt really ready to tell me all about it but I drug it out of her, she said she needed a few more weeks with her new councellor "phsychologist" that she has only seen once before she would be ready to tell me everything, I couldnt help but think the worst so I had to know and told her I couldnt take not knowing the truth. She said that once she told me it would probably end our marriage because she has tried to burry it to work on us. And that it would bring up to many hurtfull feeling that she hasnt delt with yet. She says she hates him now for decieving her. I am so hurt but I want to forgive her and learn to heal, I think it will really hurt our sex life which has been great for the past two months, even though it was partly a distraction from the truth but it had been bringing us closer together. I dont know what to do now, do I stand by her side and support her? Or do I start to distance myself. Today is one of four of my daughters birthdays, it will be hard at the party tonight to show joy for her. Please continue praying for us.
Tuffguy said:I don't know how you do that. I really don't. I would have put out a hit on her once i found out she was messing around.
I can't even imagine taking anyone back after they do anything w/another person, much less sleep w/5 guys. wow.
Each man is his own man with different criteria for what they want out of life. I question your judgement letting her back into the house, but that isn't for me to make the call on.
Tuffguy said:Forgiveness from Christ is different then forgiving a cheating spouse. For 1, we are not God. We can't forgive perfectly. We certainly can not forget. I probally could forgive a spouse but there would still be huge resentments that would eat at the foundation of a marriage.
What i meant by questioning judgement is this. Why would i want this woman that did these things and is clearly unstable to mother my children? Personally, i would have remove that negative influence and instablity (possible instibility) from my household.
Clearly, i was joking about the hit. Righteous indignation is really what i would be feeling.
Tuffguy said:Forgiveness from Christ is different then forgiving a cheating spouse. For 1, we are not God. We can't forgive perfectly. We certainly can not forget. I probally could forgive a spouse but there would still be huge resentments that would eat at the foundation of a marriage.
What i meant by questioning judgement is this. Why would i want this woman that did these things and is clearly unstable to mother my children? Personally, i would have remove that negative influence and instablity (possible instibility) from my household.
Clearly, i was joking about the hit. Righteous indignation is really what i would be feeling.
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