Dealing with Infidelity

[BigSkyGuy]

This is my first time to ever post on any site, I am searching on how to deal with My Wife who I just found out in December that she has been in an intimate relation ship with my best friend, her best friends husband and Christian couple. Ouch, we have been married for 15 years and have five children. I thought that our life was truely blessed and we were happy. I love her and want to find a way to Heal. She was going to leave me, but he went back to his Wife, what a mess. Now she has finally said she is sorry and that I have changed so much to the better lately that she wants to try and work it out . I don't know if I can learn to trust her again?

 

[Irascible]

Hey Big. I'm so sorry to hear that. You willingness to work it out is admirable. And if you can your children (when they're older and understand better) will one day all give you a big teary hug and thank you for keeping their home intact. It is possible.

I sent you a PM. Take care buddy.

 

[bliz]

Forgiving is one step. Learning to retrust is another, usually harder and longer step in the process of reconciling your relationship. Have the two of you been getting some counseling?

Part of my concern is that it appears to some degree that she wants to be back in the marriage because the other guy is no longer available and because you have made changes. Neither of which has anything to do with her honoring her marriage commitment. If the guy was still interested, would she still want to be with you?

I know I'm asking really hard questions, but they go to the heart of the matter. There cannnot be reconciliation without examining the motives.

 

[heartnsoul]

There's a great book out there called Healing Is A Choice by Steve Auterburn. You can buy that book online at: www.newlife.com

As Bliz mentioned, it would be a good idea for both of you to seek marital counseling to work on both of your communication skills. Obviously there are many issues in your marriage that were unresolved that need to be resolved. That was the root of the problem to begin with. Your wife obviously thought that an affair would solve the problems, but hopefully she realized it hasn't. So, it's time to take a hard look at the issues and see if things can be worked out.

Definitely read that book because it will help you go through the necessary grieving process in order to completely heal from your experience. Meanwhile, this is a great opportunity for both of you to renew your commitment to God and begin taking steps to strengthen your relationship with Him.

Praying for your healing and for God to bring conviction to your wife so the marriage can also begin to heal. May God give you wisdom and comfort as you go through this very tough time in your life.

 

[Leanna]

This site has a lot about infidelity: www.marriagebuilders.com and there are also some forums dealing with the issues involved.

I think the first step is for you guys to sign up for regular couples counseling.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

This is my first time to ever post on any site, I am searching on how to deal with My Wife who I just found out in December that she has been in an intimate relation ship with my best friend, her best friends husband and Christian couple. Ouch, we have been married for 15 years and have five children. I thought that our life was truely blessed and we were happy. I love her and want to find a way to Heal. She was going to leave me, but he went back to his Wife, what a mess. Now she has finally said she is sorry and that I have changed so much to the better lately that she wants to try and work it out . I don't know if I can learn to trust her again?

Man, that is horrible! She betrayed you, and your best freind betrayed you, and she betrayed her best freind!
I do not know if I could ever trust her again, but if you think it is worth a try, and she is repentant, than I am sure Jesus would be pleased if you could find it in your heatr to do that.
5 kids in the pick too. They really need 2 parents.
Man, this is a very bad situation. I will pray for you. I do not know what else I can do.

 

[Autumnleaf]

She was going to leave me, but he went back to his Wife, what a mess. Now she has finally said she is sorry and that I have changed so much to the better lately that she wants to try and work it out . I don't know if I can learn to trust her again?

It sounds to me like the only reason she stayed is because he left her. "Hats off to Larry. It may sound cruel..."

Under these circumstances I think you'd have to be a fool to trust her again.

 

[Leanna]

It sounds to me like the only reason she stayed is because he left her. "Hats off to Larry. It may sound cruel..."

Under these circumstances I think you'd have to be a fool to trust her again.

Maybe so, I noticed that too, but he would also have to be a fool to let his pride keep him in the way of repairing his marriage for the sake of their 5 children. *5* children would be hurt if they broke up no matter the reason.

 

[BigSkyGuy]

Thank you all so much for your support, I have thouth about all of the things each of you has said. I am committed to marriage and my kid's, I know God can heal me to forgive, I am trying and have given it to him, to make matters worse the other guy works with me in the office next to mine and his wife also reports to me. I know about 9 months ago that things were going south because she wanted to do more things with them as couples together, but was giving him a lot of attention, he encouraged her to read all of the C.S. Lewis books that he was reading and then they would always talk about them, I started to not like all of the attention they were robbing from our marriage, They all thought that I was just being Jealous even his wife was in denial and naiev, now she feels terrible that I caught them and confronted them and brought it to the service. He has begged for repentance and I believe him, but my wife has just said she is Sorry. This whole thing played out over the last nine months but the affair didnt actually happen until november (they both claim it was on a hug and an intimate kiss, but they "talked " about everything ) it happened right after we got back from a focus on the family irresistable differences weekend. We started counciling about 8 months ago, and the christian clinical councelor met with her one on one for about eight sessions, and she convinced him they were only friends. Wife just Walked in the door got to go

 

[Southern Cross]

I've been where you are. And then some. We stayed together for the sake of our kids. Things got better for a while, now we're completely stagnant again. Staying together out of duty and never learning to forgive each other and love each other is almost as bad as just throwing in the towel. It's bad for you, and it's bad for your children. This is a process, and it's taking longer for me than I thought it would. Baby steps. I am starting to feel again, and I have yet to get rid of some to the anger. Same for her, I think.

First, you've got to make the decison. Do you want to stay together or not? Then, you've got to go to an excellent counselor (note - some pastors do NOT have any business calling themselves marriage counselors - be careful). Finally, you've got to decide to stick with being an active an willing participant in this marriage, and not just dead wood, hanging out because it's the right thing to do. All of these things can take time.

Know the truth of what really happened. Did they have sex? Or was it just a kiss and an emotional affair? Was it infatuation? Or something deeper? Were you providing what she needs for emotional and physical fulfillment, or is she out of line with what she expects from you and she was living a fantasy life? All of these things will come out if you get a decent counselor.

If I were in your shoes, three things would need to happen asap. First, the other guy leaves the company, or you do. Second, I would not want my wife working there at all if he's still around. Third, out of respect for you, she should cut off contact with the other guy.

This is bad no matter which way you look at it, but if it was only a kiss and emotional involvement, sometimes that has less of an impact than if it were full blown sexual involvement. You need some time to weigh all the thoughts racing through your head. Don't do anything silly out of your anger or hurt (like see another woman). It sounds like you want the marriage to continue, so don't wait. Move forward now, get some help, and be prepared for the long process of rebuilding trust.

And may I add - look in the mirror. Sometimes the guy staring back at you is somewhat responsible for setting up the emotional framework that allowed the affair to happen in the first place. Not always, just sometimes. That's another area where a counselor can really help.

I'll be praying for you. If you need direct help, please PM me. I know I couldn't even think straight when all this stuff went down in my life, and how utterly stupid I acted through some of it. I won't commiserate with you, but I'll give you whatever practical advice I can.

 

[Leanna]

I agree. The number one thing that must happen is for there to be no further contact with the other guy.

I think this guy wrote some really great stuff on affairs, how they happen and how they should end, here is a quote,

"The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity? "

That is from the site I gave you a link to.

 

[revrobor]

Been there, done that. Twenty years into our marriage I came home from work one day and found a note my wife had left on the kitchen table. She had left and taken our five children with her. I did not see it coming and did not know there was a problem in the marriage. She was gone for 15 months and had affairs with five different men. During her absence I sought counseling in an effort to be the best me I could be. I did not pursue her. When she came back she asked my forgiveness and I granted it. To this day I have no problem with the fact that she was having sex with other men. What bothered me the most was the affect it had on our children as she was not parenting during that time even buying booze and cigarettes for our kids. Today she is my best friend and Sunday we will celebrate 36 years of marriage.

If your wife is repentant, as your post seems to indicate, then grant her your forgiveness (as Jesus would) and continue to work on your marriage and being the best you you can be. Don't play the "victim" and demand that your wife continue to pay for her mistake by putting a leash on her and requiring she report her every little move to you. And don't use the rediculous excuse that she "gave away" to someone else something that belongs to you to lay a guilt trip on her. Unless she brought back an STD (which mine did) nothing that belongs to you has been damaged, including her heart which she is apparently returning to you. The affair may not have even been a matter of the heart in the first place. My wife's was not.

Forgiveness is a choice. You will never forget what happened. But letting it interefere with your marriage is also a choice.

 

[Godisgr8r]

revrobor,You are a wonderful man, God bless you! That is true love. There should be more forgiveness in this world. You truly showed a Christlike example to your wife and children.

 

[wannaberichr]

It's funny how autumnleaf is all for leaving one minute then gets on his preacher's soap box the next. Judge not lest ye be judged by the same judgement. You need to leave people that have real problems alone.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It's funny how autumnleaf is all for leaving one minute then gets on his preacher's soap box the next. Judge not lest ye be judged by the same judgement. You need to leave people that have real problems alone.

The Bible says there is a time for everything in Ecclesiastes.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

That would be your ex best friend right?

 

[BigSkyGuy]

Yea, it would be my ex-best friend but I have chosen to forgive him, we have been very close christian brothers for over 10 years, It really hurts, but I dont feel that two wrongs would make things any better. My wife say's that her and I Just blow out eachothers candels? and that with him things were just different, and that he just gets her? She says that he took her heart and wont give it back? I tell her that her falling in lust with this guy is a circumstance of approximity, "the grass is greener thing" and that it can wear off now that they have no contact, she is really hurt though that he has cut off total contact with her to make it right with his wife, I know I am in a really fragile spot, but I am trying to keep my sights on the big picture and allow God to heal her, and bring her back to her commitment to me, we are very pationate together, and I am a very good husband and father. Our councelor says that I hit on all five love languages. We both came from poor families and today I have been able to provide for her not to have to work or not to have any financial worries. Most of our friends and family think that she should have it made almost to perfect?, She says that she Loves me, but I think she feels she is in love with him, and since things came to an abrupt end with them, "with only a hug and Kiss" and lots of deep tallks, I just cant help but wonder if she will be able to let him completely go someday and realize that what we have together is very special. And for God to fully heal her and let her feel she is "in live with me again" Marriage is sure tough some times, They say that falling in love usually only last for about two years and then comes commitment, I believe that but I am a very romantic and impulsive fun person, basically she is usually spoiled by me. well please keep praying, Thanks you all

 

[Leanna]

Ugh.... that's the toughest spot. I can remember that spot. Ugh.

You should forgive your best friend, but you shouldn't hang around them in couples. I hope also that she is willing to allow you into her time so that you can keep her accountable. What do you think?

 

[GutterRat]

BigSkyGuy - all I gots to say is that you are either a great man - or a stupid man. I choose the first - at this time. I could NEVER do what you are doing. I couldn't forgive the best friend, well - maybe after I knocked his teeth out a few times. And the wifey - wow - that would be VERY HARD.
God bless you bro!!

 

[BigSkyGuy]

She has been very respectful to not put herself in another uncomfortable position for me, and is spending time with me. I know it is a strugle for her because she usually just wants to run from the problem , but that would end the marriage.