Dealing with finances and resentment.

[Ellorienne]

First things first, hi I am Jenny and I am a Christian, married to a non Christian, and we have been together for 11 years.

I am having difficulty with resenting my husband for financial irresponsibility. I stay at home with the children, and am happy with my role. He would prefer I work later down the track, but my health may not allow that. At the moment I receive a yearly family supplement payment, and he has a good wage. Yet he fails often to cover fortnightly expenses, while spending on things he should not, and expects the supplement to cover it. Usually it covers things like school expenses, kids clothes, and Christmas gifts. Yes, even my own.

Once again today he has asked me to cover a bill he could have paid. It makes me feel used, and financially insecure. It makes me feel unworthy when I have to buy my own gifts and own needs.

I know I need to deal with my side of things here. I need some advice on how I should do that. And, should I transfer the money, yet again, for the bill, or insist he be more responsible? I'm a bit stuck on how far forgiveness and grace should extend, in balance with doing what us right and loving, which can be uncomfortable at times if you have to address sins.

We do of course have other issues adding fuel to the fire here, but this is the one I know I have sin that I need to get help fixing.

 

[EmmaCat]

You are doing what you can. I know someone whose husband's idea of paying bills is yelling at her (she is disabled and gets a small monthly check) when the cut-off notice arrives and making her pay.

I think you folks need some counselling, both maritally and financially. Please get some help. It seems there are other issues here as well and a good counselor can help you both.

I'll be praying for you, Jenny, and you came to the right place. Welcome!

All good things
Emmy

 

[Jane_Doe]

Hi Jenny, and welcome to CF!

I have a question: do you have "her" money and "his" money, or is it "our" money?

 

[Ellorienne]

Thanks Emmy. We have some family counselling with Anglicare lined up for January to help the other problems. The finance ones are more tricky. I want to do the right thing without being selfish. I want to rely on God but still be responsible with what he provides in my life.

Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

 

[Ellorienne]

Hi Jane,
We are kind of in the middle on his hers and ours. I guess there is a bit of his and mine. Because I have no allowance from his pay for things I want or need, then I suppose that is why. Whatever is left after paying bills is his. I use a very small amount from the family supplement for my things. He normally would have to push me to buy things for myself. I turned a blind eye to the finances a while back, because I'm a micro manager and the discrepancies caused arguments. I need to let him be the head of the house. I don't get unhappy unless we go into debt and we don't talk about it first, or bills don't get paid. When we met he was in debt. I've been bailing us out ever since.

 

[EmmaCat]

I guess I'm old-fashioned, but when you get into debt and bills aren't paid, I'd go nuts. Luckily I don't have that issue but mercy, this must be tough.

I'm praying for you!

 

[Jane_Doe]

Hi Jane,
We are kind of in the middle on his hers and ours. I guess there is a bit of his and mine. Because I have no allowance from his pay for things I want or need, then I suppose that is why. Whatever is left after paying bills is his. I use a very small amount from the family supplement for my things. He normally would have to push me to buy things for myself. I turned a blind eye to the finances a while back, because I'm a micro manager and the discrepancies caused arguments. I need to let him be the head of the house. I don't get unhappy unless we go into debt and we don't talk about it first, or bills don't get paid. When we met he was in debt. I've been bailing us out ever since.

In my experience the halfway system is a really bad system-- too much in a grey area. Perhaps having a system where X is for the bills and then both of you individually have Y allocated to spend?

You mentioned you were in marriage counseling. While marriage counselors aren't finance counselors, the establishment of communication/agreement in how finances are spent is a very common marriage issue and your counselors probably have experience in that regard.

 

[Paidiske]

Anglicare ought to be able to provide you with some basic financial counselling also; I'd definitely ask about that. (If they can't do it in your area they should be able to refer you to someone who can).

In the meantime I'd suggest drawing up a budget together; looking at your expenses and your (pooled) income and how those two things relate. It sounds as if you haven't done that, and spending is a bit more ad hoc, which is a recipe for this kind of conflict.

It's always extra stressful this time of year when things are tight and there is underlying conflict; please look after yourself over the next few days.