Dealing with cheating

Sweetgrass09 · Mar 1, 2013

I am a new young(20yrs) Christian and have been with my boyfriend for five years. I moved away for a year when I was 16, and came back and things have been challenging ever since. We both saw other people in that time, I came back and we both have been unfaithful to one another in this time. I am committed to making our relationship work but i still find myself having thoughts about other men. My bf is a generous, loving, hilarious person and he is my absolute best friend and an amazing partner so I don't know why I am not 100% satisfied!? He was my first love and we plan on getting married but I am just looking for some help from the Christian community to give me strength and remain faithful to this amazing person who I care so much about.

Spunkn · Mar 1, 2013

You've been with this guy for 5 years at the age of 20. That's a pretty young age, and also a pretty big chunk of time for that age in regards to how long most relationships last. Perhaps you felt as if you haven't give yourself a chance to really get to know yourself and experience more of the world. Perhaps you are asking the question "What else is out there? Who else is out there?" and maybe you're not 100% sure that he is the one you should be with.

Perhaps you both need to seperate for a time, and to make sure that it's really what you want.

First loves are extremely powerful and are filled with strong emotions. Sometimes that's a great thing, other times it blinds us to reality and how we ought to see things.

If you both are serious about this relationship, perhaps you should sit down and discuss where you see things heading. Is this a relationship because it makes you both feel good, or is this a relationship that you feel strongly is heading in a serious direction , possibly towards marriage.

Don't know if that helps you, hopefully it does in some way.

Sweetgrass09 · Mar 1, 2013

I think that was always my doubt was that I needed to get out there and see more people before I settled down (he was always very serious about our relationship and wanted to marry since we were younger but I think that freaked me out a lot).

We have talked about this and both think that this is a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage but he is such a great person and I don't know why I feel such hesitation.

I think everyone is looking for love, support, generosity and compatibility and I have all of these things so why do I feel like I am always straying? I feel like I might be just lacking some commitment and temptation issues because of the newness and excitement of another person, which might be pretty superficial to throw a relationship away for.

Wondering if there are any older folks who might let me know if this is the reason or something more?

Mrs. Luther073082 · Mar 1, 2013

I really do not see a relationship like this working out.

ChristineM130 · Mar 1, 2013

Having feelings for the other man such as desiring to have sex with him?

Forgive me for being to personal, but are you both chaste now? You both should be abstaining from sex with each other and anyone else.

Certainly, God still loves you if you have premarital sex, but like all sin, it opens the door for many other problems. If you make and keep a commitment to abstain from sex, ALL sex, until marriage, you may see this problem solve itself.

We are all sinners and in no way am I passing judgement on you or your love of God. Just a friendly reminder that when you are committing a sin, know that it's sinning, and continue to do it, you will pay consequences. If this is a sexual problem, you have opened a door that can be shut by removing the sin.

That's not to say "abstain and hurry up and get married to have sex," as many young people do.

I actually just shared my own testimony about infidelity and romantic relationships as a new believer on page 5 of the thread, "My Wife is Pregnant With Somebody Else's Child." If you are interested in viewing it there, I would like to share it with you, too.

Sweetgrass09 · Mar 1, 2013

Ya I think a large part of it is lust.

My partner and I are not chaste and I personally believe that sex is a gift and the whole marital part of it is even more sacred but ultimately became part of the bible because of cultural norms that were around at the time of the bibles origin. I think many parts of the bible come from cultural norms, not god. I think god wouldn't promote sexism and stoning and haha I think god is more about love, kindness, generosity, compassion and forgiveness. I am quite liberal in my thoughts so you are welcome to disagree of course!

But I think temptation and lust may be what it is. And if that's the case I have to stop being so shallow and focus on the great non physical connection I have with this person

Albion · Mar 1, 2013

Sweetgrass09 said:
Ya I think a large part of it is lust.

My partner and I are not chaste and I personally believe that sex is a gift and the whole marital part of it is even more sacred but ultimately became part of the bible because of cultural norms that were around at the time of the bibles origin. I think many parts of the bible come from cultural norms, not god. I think god wouldn't promote sexism and stoning and haha I think god is more about love, kindness, generosity, compassion and forgiveness. I am quite liberal in my thoughts so you are welcome to disagree of course!

But I think temptation and lust may be what it is. And if that's the case I have to stop being so shallow and focus on the great non physical connection I have with this person

It sounds to me like a relationship that is destined not to work out. If you feel as you say you do, you are not likely to overcome it by self-control, reason, or hoping it will get better with time.

Spunkn · Mar 1, 2013

Sweetgrass09 said:
Ya I think a large part of it is lust.

My partner and I are not chaste and I personally believe that sex is a gift and the whole marital part of it is even more sacred but ultimately became part of the bible because of cultural norms that were around at the time of the bibles origin. I think many parts of the bible come from cultural norms, not god. I think god wouldn't promote sexism and stoning and haha I think god is more about love, kindness, generosity, compassion and forgiveness. I am quite liberal in my thoughts so you are welcome to disagree of course!

But I think temptation and lust may be what it is. And if that's the case I have to stop being so shallow and focus on the great non physical connection I have with this person

Some things in the bible God speaks about in a way that relates to the culture, however sex within marriage is not a culture norm. Yes sex is a gift from God, but He restricts it to within the boundaries of a marriage for His glory, and also for our protection.

The bible is from God. Not from culture.

The stoning part was part of God's law. To show that mankind could not live up to the law perfectly, and they needed a savior. We are no longer under the law because of Jesus Christ. He fulfilled the law.

God talks about a special kind of bonding that takes place in sex between a man and a women. What happens if you break up with this guy? That bond is still there, but you are seperated. The heartache and pain will be that much greater because of the bond you have chosen to form, but then break.

Sweetgrass09 · Mar 1, 2013

Spunkn said:
Some things in the bible God speaks about in a way that relates to the culture, however sex within marriage is not a culture norm. Yes sex is a gift from God, but He restricts it to within the boundaries of a marriage for His glory, and also for our protection.

The bible is from God. Not from culture.

The stoning part was part of God's law. To show that mankind could not live up to the law perfectly, and they needed a savior. We are no longer under the law because of Jesus Christ. He fulfilled the law.

God talks about a special kind of bonding that takes place in sex between a man and a women. What happens if you break up with this guy? That bond is still there, but you are seperated. The heartache and pain will be that much greater because of the bond you have chosen to form, but then break.

The bible unfortunately was not written by god, it was written by people, and men specifically. I don't want to turn this into a debate because that belongs on another thread but, the only reason why marriage and specifically womens virginity was so significant culturally wa s because it ensured the paternity of a child. This of course has many connections with a man owning his wife and child like one would own property. These men interpreted the word of Jesus hundreds of years after his death from oral tradition and because none of us can escape socialization, bits and pieces of sexism became included. This if course is my personal opinion. By I do see what your are saying about the potential of a bond being created between two people and when the bond is broken the hurt is much worse. Hmm something to chew on however, thank you!

ChristineM130 · Mar 1, 2013

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. (Galatians 5:16-24)

Also:

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28)

This is Bible. It's even New Testament. Matthew 5:28 was spoken by Jesus Himself.

Now, if you struggle with these things, it's no need to run away from God; He wants to heal them in you. He's not finished with us yet. We all have struggles and we all have things we need to give up.

That said, when a sin causes you grief (and sin NEVER comes without consequence), the Christian advice will always be first to remove the sin. You will not be able to clean up the mess until you remove the sin!

Two of Paul's fruits of the Spirits, self-control and patience, need to come into play for chastity to work. I find that these are the most lacking fruits in western culture. Patience and self-control are not compatable with what our culture tells us to do. We want things, and we want them now. We are led by feelings and emotions. If it feels good, it must be right. This is the opposite of what we're supposed to do: waiting on God to lead us and trusting Him to do what is right for us, when it's the right time.

Albion · Mar 1, 2013

Sweetgrass09 said:
The bible unfortunately was not written by god, it was written by people, and men specifically.

But it says it was written by men AS THEY WERE INSPIRED BY GOD to write. If you don't believe in the Bible, you should be asking the opinion of people in another forum.

TheyCallMeDave · Mar 1, 2013

Sweetgrass09 said:
I am a new young(20yrs) Christian and have been with my boyfriend for five years. I moved away for a year when I was 16, and came back and things have been challenging ever since. We both saw other people in that time, I came back and we both have been unfaithful to one another in this time. I am committed to making our relationship work but i still find myself having thoughts about other men. My bf is a generous, loving, hilarious person and he is my absolute best friend and an amazing partner so I don't know why I am not 100% satisfied!? He was my first love and we plan on getting married but I am just looking for some help from the Christian community to give me strength and remain faithful to this amazing person who I care so much about.

Few thoughts...

1. If you are truly a genuine Christian, then im afraid that Gods loving moral mandate for your life is not to live together and have premarital sex anymore. You and your B/F need to discuss how you are going to seperate yet remain the best of friends. Please read 1 Cor. 6:9-11 for the seriousness of this : 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NIV - Or do you not know that wrongdoers will - Bible Gateway . NOW is your chance to forsake what all must do who say they love the Lord Jesus. Its all a part of carrying your cross. God will help you do it.

2. Please dont get married till you are at least 28-30 years old. There is light years difference in maturity between age 20 and 30 . Your chances of divorce are way over 75% if you marry at your age. The challenges and stress will eat you both alive. You need to experience much more of life before taking this very drastic step in your life.

3. If you have cheated on him, or vice versa, then this is a sure sign you are not ready for marriage right now. The reason youre having thoughts of other men , solidifies that you havent had enough life experience yet. Dont rush into getting married just because hes the only guy youve been (living) with and dont marry because youve known him for 5+ years. Dont even marry because of your love alone for him...having love isnt enough to make a marriage work -- it takes objective skills and much maturity in addition to finances , secure jobs, money management , and unparalleled faithfulness .

4. Please...make absolutely sure you dont get pregnant if youre going to choose to disobey God by having sex as the worldly person does. And if you get pregnant, dont get married for that sake alone. Totally rule out murdering your preborn baby most of all.

5. Your not satisfied because you havent walked long enough or close enough to Christ yet. Make him your Idol, not another Man.

6. Opt for counselling from a church member or Pastor asap . Regards.

NewUser777 · Mar 1, 2013

Sweetgrass09 said:
I am committed to making our relationship work but i still find myself having thoughts about other men. My bf is a generous, loving, hilarious person and he is my absolute best friend and an amazing partner so I don't know why I am not 100% satisfied!?

You don't know why? It's because you've already bitten into the forbidden fruit. You've had other men in the past, and now you wonder why you desire other men? There is no going back now. You have made a mistake. Now you have to live with it.

Now, you want to get married? And you think everything is going to be ok? Attaching yourself to other people sexually and then getting married is a recipe for disaster. Society proves my point on a daily basis ... bad marriages and messed up kids.

I'm not saying there's no hope. Have you fallen on your face and asked forgiveness for your sin? Or have you swept it under the carpet as if it was nothing? Most people choose the latter.

"Be sure, your sin will find you out."

FidelisEnAbsentis · Mar 1, 2013

Do not walk away....RUN. RUN as hard and as far away as you can. TRUST ME...I could have written your post 10 years ago when I was your age.

Now I am married to a man who I think loves me but is not committed to our marriage (at least in the same way I am) and is certainly not committed to his faith. I have sentenced myself to always question if he's with me because he wants to be or because we were young when we made a commitment to one another and he now feels like he doesn't have a choice.

Run away kiddo...put some distance between the two of you. It'll hurt like hell but it'll be worth it in the end. If he loves you, he'll fight for you. If he doesn't. He won't. Simple as that. My husband has never fought for us a day in his life...which begs alot of questions that are too scary for me to answer. Don't end up like me.

paul1149 · Mar 1, 2013

Sweetgrass09 said:
Ya I think a large part of it is lust.

My partner and I are not chaste and I personally believe that sex is a gift and the whole marital part of it is even more sacred but ultimately became part of the bible because of cultural norms that were around at the time of the bibles origin. I think many parts of the bible come from cultural norms, not god. I think god wouldn't promote sexism and stoning and haha I think god is more about love, kindness, generosity, compassion and forgiveness. I am quite liberal in my thoughts so you are welcome to disagree of course!

But I think temptation and lust may be what it is. And if that's the case I have to stop being so shallow and focus on the great non physical connection I have with this person

This is the root of your problem. You have no objective moral ground to judge things by. If you held a high view of sex only being legitimate in a blood-covenant relationship (aka marriage) things would clear up quickly. The lusts, the fleeting attractions, would fall by the wayside as you considered the lasting consequences of joining in a one-flesh relationship with someone else, which is what sex is.

God is loving and kind and all of those things, but He also is true and just, and He has set up life according to principles that fit in with and reflect His character and faithfulness. That is why we must strive to conform ourselves to His way of doing things, which He has given us in His Word, the Bible. When we do not, we find ourselves living by feelings, and that is a recipe for confusion and failure.

Whether your urge for wandering has selfishness or an intuitive wisdom at its root I don't know. And I don't think you will either until you get the motivations of your heart clear by acknowledging the rightful rule of holy God in your life.

manitouscott · Mar 1, 2013

These men interpreted the word of Jesus hundreds of years after his death from oral tradition

Please, don't take offense, but you really need to either do a little research about how the New Testament was written or altogether stop making false and ignorant statements that could lead others away from the truth.

Read "Evidence That Demands a Verdict" and learn the actual dates when New Testament manuscripts were written and all of the overwhelming archeological and written proof of the accuracy of the the Bible. Please.

Thanks and I sure hope you allow Christ's teachings to lead you in this matter.

tbogunro · Mar 2, 2013

If you're having these thoughts then stay away from marriage! You'll get married someday, but currently you're not ready. Don't be hard on yourself! Either way your loved by God no matter your actions. You can't force yourself to be satisfied or love someone the way you want to love them. So be real with yourself and have a HONEST sit down with your boyfriend and tell him exactly what's going on in your head. Let the truth out without fear of the consequences. It might nee difficult but you're doing more harm ESPECIALLY to yourself by being quiet. Let the truth out about your feelings and let God handle you and the relationship from there. Remember your will be married someday, but it's now time to start preparing to become a great wife and the first lesson is COMPLETELY honest and communication . I don't know why you feel this way but it doesn't matter because it's something God can change about your but your job is to start walking towards being a great future wife and God is teaching you that now with the circumstance you find yourself in

katyn · Mar 2, 2013

well, for me i met my soulmate and i could NEVER cheat on him...it's just nowhere in me...however, i did cheat on all my other boyfriends before him...point is, God brought me my soulmate and because he is 'the one' i don't feel at all like i want to cheat...he completes me. oh, and sex before marriage IS a sin...i didn't think so either when my now husband (soulmate) first met and so we did not wait until marriage...but there ended up being a HUGE difference in how sex felt once we were married...sorry to be so graphic but just thought saying that might make you realize there IS a difference...anyway, if you feel even 1% out of 100% that you're not sure if you want to marry him...then do yourself a big favor and don't. but if you feel 100% sure you want to marry him, then that should be the only time you go through with it!! good luck to you!!!

TheyCallMeDave · Mar 2, 2013

Originally Posted by Sweetgrass09

Ya I think a large part of it is lust.

My partner and I are not chaste and I personally believe that sex is a gift and the whole marital part of it is even more sacred but ultimately became part of the bible because of cultural norms that were around at the time of the bibles origin. I think many parts of the bible come from cultural norms, not god....quote

REPLY: What about the Apostle Paul firmly stating that no (lifestyle)sexual Immoralist can enter Heaven , in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 ? Do you believe this was just for his culture at the time too ? Or, it would disqualify ANY professed Christ Follower from getting to heaven if they dont turn from it ?

TheyCallMeDave · Mar 2, 2013

summerslam said:
Dont listen to most of these fundamentalists, sweetgrass. Next thing you know, they will be telling you to marry someone you find repulsive to serve God better.

If you follow the prevailing Culture of today, that is what God considers the WIDE road which Jesus said leads to destruction ; the earthly destruction we see in making a lifestyle out of sexual immorality is at the bare minimum deep emotional pain after the breakup and all the consequences of making another Human Being your Idol instead of God...to acquiring 1 of 39 circulating STD's currently shared among 65,000,000 adult Americans with 15,000,000 more cases added each year some of which are permanent for life / are the precursor to cervical cancer / or an early death sentence (HIV) ... to getting pregnant out of wedlock which typically results in the murder of a totally innocent developing Human Being (YOUR baby) ... to Triangle love affairs with people getting hurt or worse ... to the cheapening of how each Gender views the other (just for copulation) and the list goes on and on.

The eternal destruction of lifestyle casual sex is exactly as the inerrant Word of God reports : Disqualification from Heaven forever (1 Cor. 6:9-11) because Christians are supposed to be beyond the moral degradation of our Culture.

So no..dont listen to anyone who represents the lies of our Culture and instead put your total trust and dependence on Christ who will never fail you and who loves you enough to give you firm loving boundaries for your own wellbeing and for the wellbeing of others.

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