Dealing with a spouse who won't listen?

eatenbylocusts · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
I don't understand. Forgiveness for what? I do twice (if not more) the amount of work she does. I'm the one cooking. I'm the one cleaning. I'm the one doing the laundry. I'm the one running to the grocery store. On top of grad school, working out, and maintaining my hobbies so I don't lose my sanity, how is it too much for me to ask her to go to the gym when the only three things she does are help out with her parents' store, watch TV, and wash dishes?!

I knew I would regret asking for help on the internet. The only results are the overly masculine answer of "leave her" (which I will not do), the overly feminist "accept her for who/what she is" which is unacceptable, and the classic attack the OP and blame everything on him/her. I thought it would be different on a Christian forum but apparently not.

Marriage is hard even between sexy-looking people because you are dealing with two sinful persons and satan is at work in this world and would love to have every Christian marriage end in divorce. When you are at war with your wife and not being intimate spiritually, physically, etc. you are not glorifying God.

It is very common for one person to underestimate what the other person does with their time, but you may be right. My dh had complained in the past along those lines, but he minimized how much time it took to organize the mess of his 20+ business during the time I wasn't working at my real job. He doesn't do that any more after seeing all of the mistakes I found that his CPA s made.

As far as thinking you made a mistake coming here for advice, can you consider that it may because you just don't like the answers? Did you want someone to tell you what you wanted to hear? To glorify God with our marriages we each need to humble ourselves and serve our spouses, not find the right words to change them or wound them with our words even if we are right. I don't know how many times I have heard that the first step is to pray that God would change me, not fix my spouse. You as a man are especially in need of that because you are the leader.

Pray for your wife! Pray for wisdom and patience and for her spiritual growth. In one way you are right; you need to have mentoring and accountability with another man or men that you can meet with in person, not just on the internet. And, of course not every piece of advice her will be correct.

eatenbylocusts · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
But what works? If giving a woman health advice makes them want to do the opposite, then what else can possibly work? I don't know how I can ever live with someone who won't take care of herself, and if I had known things would be this way I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Of course I won't tell her that, because it will make things worse.

Hey, (wife) I wanted to try out this biking trail, hiking trail, bowling alley, ski slope, dance class, etc. next week. Would you like to join me? Then go even if she doesn't so she knows you aren't doing it just to make her lose weight. Maybe not the dance class though. If she is nervous about having people look at her at the gym buy a DVD that looks interesting and you do it at home. Does your gym have classes? If she is an extrovert she might really thrive with that. Bring home a class schedule and leave it lying somewhere after you look at it.

People hear all kinds of things from their doctors about what they need to change and sometimes people listen the first time or the 10th time or never. But, coming from the Dr. it is different.

ProudMomxmany · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
Example 4: Hobbies. I am an extreme introvert. She's an extreme extrovert. Daily life really stresses me out and I need hours of alone time to recharge by losing myself in one of my hobbies, most of which are solitary in nature and deal with very narrow, focuses interests. She often complains that I never do anything with her, which is partially true because of the aforementioned issues with stress (I'm almost positive I have Executive Function Disorder). I do have two hobbies that can and do involve other people, and I have offered to get her involved in them but she has no interest. I have also encouraged her to find her own hobbies, and she agrees that she needs to, but she never actually DOES anything about it. She just sits on the couch and watches Korean TV shows.

There are many more instances where she doesn't listen/doesn't seem to have any regard for me, but this post is already much longer than I wanted it to be. But the main point is that she just does not listen. I have tried bringing it up with her, but she immediately retaliates with 'you don't listen to me either' with is an outright lie. I listen to her, consider what she has to say, and I make a decision. Many times that decision is to not take her advice because it a) is completely illogical and wouldn't work or b) it's completely wrong because she didn't listen to/understand what I said.

I have been dealing with this for so long I just don't know what to do anymore.

I've re-read the OP and this is what I see.

First...introvert vs. extrovert. Ne'er the twain shall meet. One is energized by being around people, the other is exhausted by being around people. It doesn't work.

Second...what makes you think that her advice is "illogical" or "completely wrong"? Are you afflicted with caveman disease where you have a need to be 100% right 100% of the time? There's a phrase for that..."I'd like to see things from your point of view but I have my head too far up my nether regions to see it".

You seem like you want everything your way. You then have railed against those of us who have tried to offer you advice and a godly way of handling things. I would submit you have a lot to learn about being the godly man and husband you should be.

As far as "letting herself go"...look, we ALL gain weight or sag or age. I'm AT LEAST 75lbs heavier than I was as a 17 year old bride. Parts of me that used to defy gravity no longer fight it and go with the flow. The tight, muscular swimmer's body I had then is long gone. BUT...my husband STILL thinks I am the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. 30+ years and 12 children later. As I tell my women friends..."if your man leaves the lights on, he's still thinking he's got someone hotter than any Victoria's Secret model".

Personally, if I were your wife, with your controlling attitude, I think you'd probably find your stuff on the front steps.

But...what do I know, I've only been married just this side of forever.

Godsgirl79 · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
Okay, here's two examples:

1: I would like to get some pilot certifications in the near future to help with my career and better our lives. My wife is very supportive of this. And I tell her that I'm thankful that she is being supportive of it, because no one else in my life is. However, she wants me to start working on it immediately, and we are not in a financial situation to do so. When I tell her this, she just says "well find a way." If she had listened she would have heard the part about us not having the money to start investing on this and said, "okay, let's wait until we're better off financially."

2: She wanted to try some Korean witch-doctor medicine that involved eating raw ginseng root. I told her over and over that I wasn't going to do it. I was going to stick with the medications that the doctors prescribed to me, which have been working fine. Despite this, she goes out and spends $400 on a load of wild ginseng for myself, her, and her parents to eat. So now I'm in a position where I pretty much have to, and I eat the stuff. Well, it works. It works by flushing the bloodstream. So my heartburn medication got flushed out of my bloodstream and I had terrible heartburn the next day. At first she said "okay, you don't have to eat it anymore," but then 5 hours later she was trying to get me to eat it again.

I'm sorry, but this is completely false. I have absolutely no control over my likes/dislikes, and no matter how hard I try to change them, they won't. They cannot be consciously changed. They grow through experience, and before I got married I had very little experience, so in many cases I didn't even know what I liked/disliked until I had been married for a period of time and had the experience. Now I'm sitting here with more dislikes than likes; about myself, about my wife, about our life, about everything.

The part of not listening seems pretty common and yes its frustrating. Unfirtunately we cannot make your wife understand because she's not here asking for advice. All we can do I'd try to help you to do what you can do to help the situation. You mentioned that you cannot help what you like, true to an extent. Feelings are fickle and are a response to what we think. Even though u are not finding her attractive right now believe it or not it has a lot to do with issues other than how she looks. It sounds like u don't like her as a person. . Dont respect her because she isn't motivated. For example.. lets just say that tomorrow she decides to start working out with u.. and contineus ... well within two weeks I bet your desire for her would improve and your intimacy. .. even though it takes more than a week or two to get all toned and fit. It would improve because your respect for her would improve.

Now back to reality. .. it is not likely that tomorrow shell suddenly have the motivation to do this. .. so what can you do? You know you have no control over what she choses and its apparent that she doesn't listen. All you can do is try to love her like god tells you to, in genuineness... this is hard when you don't feel it... however if you start to purposefully focus on what you do like about her and make an effort to deal with negative thoughts.. emotions.. then you will start to feel differently towards her. And when women are loved for who they are... they begin to trust that love and become more submissive because they know that your love for them I'd real. This takes time.. but more important is thay you are dealing with your attitude and discontent so that your focus isn't on changing her but rather cherishing your differences

LostInTheBass · Oct 1, 2013

What advice would you like us to give you on how to deal with that? Let's start there, because I think we've got a pretty clear picture on why you're unhappy (or why you think you are, which isn't the reason at all...)

I have been unhappy for the majority of my life. Maybe that's just spilling over into my marriage and making the whole mess worse.

To glorify God with our marriages we each need to humble ourselves and serve our spouses, not find the right words to change them or wound them with our words even if we are right.

Exactly. But what I see with the responses here is that no one seems to realize that service is a two way street. She would like me to look like Neal Caffrey. So I go to the gym and try to look like Neal bloody Caffrey. This is part of my service to her (along with cooking, cleaning, etc.), and she is not reciprocating this service. She humor me by asking me what I want her to do, and she says, "ok, got it" but then never acts upon it. It's all empty words. Getting fit is also tied into our sexual compatibility. Right now, we are not compatible there, and this is one of the flaws of the Christian belief of abstaining from sex before marriage. By the time you figure out you're sexually incompatible, you're screwed (pun not intended). I'm not satisfied, and I haven't told her that because I don't know how to tell her that.

Does your gym have classes? If she is an extrovert she might really thrive with that. Bring home a class schedule and leave it lying somewhere after you look at it.

Been there, done that. She claims she wants to do Zumba or other classes and whatnot, and then never does them. Again, empty words. Just like her dad. Just like her mom. Just like every other Korean at the church. Empty. Words.

Second...what makes you think that her advice is "illogical" or "completely wrong"? Are you afflicted with caveman disease where you have a need to be 100% right 100% of the time? There's a phrase for that..."I'd like to see things from your point of view but I have my head too far up my nether regions to see it".

Take your head out of your nether regions and read a few posts up where I addressed this issue.

You seem like you want everything your way. You then have railed against those of us who have tried to offer you advice and a godly way of handling things.

After being railed against for not accepting the double-standard of women wanting to have their cake and eat it too while denying the man the same thing. And Godly way of handling things? No one has yet pointed out a single scriptural reference in this topic.

RDKirk · Oct 1, 2013

ProudMomxmany said:
As I tell my women friends..."if your man leaves the lights on, he's still thinking he's got someone hotter than any Victoria's Secret model". .

I wish I could leave this somewhere that my wife would see it, but she'd know it was me and she'd know why I did it.

RDKirk · Oct 1, 2013

What a lot of people have been saying, really, is that your wife actually is listening to you.

But you're not aware of what you're really telling her.

LostInTheBass · Oct 1, 2013

I'm fully aware of what I'm telling her. I am a literal person. What I say is what I mean. It is never anything else. But no one else on the entire freaking planet seems to understand that.

ProudMomxmany · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
I have been unhappy for the majority of my life. Maybe that's just spilling over into my marriage and making the whole mess worse.

Yup...you're miserable so you think that by being in control you can make yourself less miserable. Leave your wife alone and work on YOU...

As far as scripture, I highly recommend a thorough study of Ephesians 5:25-33. Where in that passage that defines a husband's role in marriage does it tell you to control, to not listen to her, to dismiss whatever she says, and to demand things your way?

Step 1 - get your head screwed on straight. Realize that your internal unhappiness is going to color everything. There is nothing from the outside that will change your inside. Your wife won't, your education won't, your hobbies won't. Figure out WHY you are so unhappy with yourself and take positive, incremental steps to change it.

Step 2 - Study Ephesians as stated above. Find an older man in your church who can mentor you on how to be a godly husband and eventually a father.

Step 3 - realize that many people here have given you very good advice yet you disparage all of it. That is a sin...you are coming off as arrogant and superior to the rest of us. Re-read 1 Corinthians 13 and LEARN what love is. Your arrogance will be the end of you and your marriage.

Step 4 - there are treatments for GERD. See a good GI doctor and do what it takes.

hijklmnop · Oct 1, 2013

RDKirk said:
I wish I could leave this somewhere that my wife would see it, but she'd know it was me and she'd know why I did it.

That is very sweet.

LostInTheBass · Oct 1, 2013

Step 1 - get your head screwed on straight. Realize that your internal unhappiness is going to color everything. There is nothing from the outside that will change your inside. Your wife won't, your education won't, your hobbies won't. Figure out WHY you are so unhappy with yourself and take positive, incremental steps to change it.

I already know why I am unhappy. The problem is that there is absolutely nothing that can be done about these things unless, by some miracle, I was cured of them. Hint: it's more than GERD.

hijklmnop · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
I'm fully aware of what I'm telling her. I am a literal person. What I say is what I mean. It is never anything else. But no one else on the entire freaking planet seems to understand that.

So you are right and clear and everyone else in the world is wrong and confused? I highly doubt that.

hijklmnop · Oct 1, 2013

I strongly suggest that you seek out counseling before your marriage succumbs to your negative attitudes.

Godsgirl79 · Oct 1, 2013

I am listening. .. I think it's pretty evident that your wife doesn't listen. It is also common to be put down and not understood in this forum. That being said I really think everyone here just has the intention to help you even though they don't understand that putting people down just makes them defensive

LostInTheBass · Oct 1, 2013

Especially when they've been put down since the time they were 5 effing years old and have lived an entire existence being defensive.

RDKirk · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
I'm fully aware of what I'm telling her. I am a literal person. What I say is what I mean. It is never anything else. But no one else on the entire freaking planet seems to understand that.

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Linguists say that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and 7% is the actual words spoken.

I'm not sure those percentages hold true so much in male-to-male communication, but I have no doubts about those numbers in husband-to-wife communication.

Women navigate through their relationships in a cockpit filled with hundreds of guages. They carefully monitor the relationship in a hundred different ways, noting and judging each change of status and estimating its significance.

Men navigate through our relationships in a cockpit with a single idiot light, and when it blinks red we tap it to make sure it's not just faulty. If the light doesn't go out, we begin to wonder if it means something.

Hetta · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
Especially when they've been put down since the time they were 5 effing years old and have lived an entire existence being defensive.

That's hardly your wife's fault - unless she was with you when you were 5 years old. Also, please lose the language. It's rude and offensive.

hijklmnop · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
Especially when they've been put down since the time they were 5 effing years old and have lived an entire existence being defensive.

Have you ever considered counseling? I seriously think you could benefit from it.

Hetta · Oct 1, 2013

hijklmnop said:
Have you ever considered counseling? I seriously think you could benefit from it.

I agree.

ProudMomxmany · Oct 1, 2013

LostInTheBass said:
Especially when they've been put down since the time they were 5 effing years old and have lived an entire existence being defensive.

You're not the only one who's been put down, mistreated and abused. The difference between me and you is that I decided that I would get help and CHANGE MY THINKING and you are choosing to wallow in your misery.

You want to be miserable, go for it. Stay miserable. It's your right. However, you do not have the right to make anyone else miserable, especially your wife.

Again...I think a good therapist and maybe even meds would be the best way to go.

Dealing with a spouse who won't listen?

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